6/24

1. Next year, the Academy Awards are going to double the nominees for Best Picture, because Hollywood is just producing too many deep and original stories these days. Finally, there will be room for films like “Land of the Lost” and “Transformers II”, which have been so tragically snubbed in the past.

2. The White House now wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.

3. A new study says that people are more likely to listen if you speak in their right ear. During the study, researchers went to dance clubs and asked people for cigarettes. Can I do this research? You get to go dancing and bum cigarettes off people? For the next stage of the study, scientists will be asking women to have sex with them.

4. The governor of South Carolina, who disappeared to Argentina for six days without telling anyone, has now admitted, shockingly, that he’s been having an affair. In retrospect, it’s so obvious, and yet no one was questioning it. We were all like oblivious girlfriends. “Where have you been? We’ve been trying to call you for days!” “Uhhh, I was hiking the Appalachian Trail.” “What? You don’t even own hiking boots.” “Uhhh, I was in Argentina.” “Oh, okay. Let‘s snuggle!”

5. The prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, insists that he’s never paid for sex. Actually, I honestly believe that he doesn‘t pay women to have sex with him. They simply do it because he’s one of the wealthiest men in the world. That’s very different.