1. Today, Dick Cheney admitted that Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Cheney is also still reeling from his recent discovery that Santa Claus isn‘t real. The former vice president first learned about Santa through nine-year-old Jonathan Green in Scottsdale, Arizona. At first, Cheney tried to correct the boy, but his wife put a hand on his shoulder and said: “Dick, we need to talk.” The Secret Service is still outraged that the Santa-spoiling kid wasn’t vetted for this sort of behavior earlier.
2. Did you hear about this bride who wrecked her wedding dress by rushing into a burning house to save a family? When Martha Stewart heard about it, she said: “That is no excuse. Discipline, discipline!”
3. Scientists say a pill made from tomatoes can prevent heart disease and strokes. Unfortunately, the pills might be contaminated with E.coli.
4. Dick Cheney said today that we need to keep Guantanamo Bay open, because if we didn’t keep suspected terrorists there, then we’d have to kill them. And he said: “We don’t operate that way.” Well, it’s good to know we have some sort of line! I didn’t think there was any line at all.
5. President Obama said today that the U.S. would not try to impose its values on other countries. Like they would take them these days.
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