5/31

1. Yesterday, the great speed-eating champions Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut tried to eat the most pizzas in six minutes. The recession is taking a toll on them, though, because their next competition will be over ketchup packets.

2. The last survivor of the Titanic passed away yesterday. We are now preparing for the next major Titanic event in 2093, when the last survivor of the movie “Titanic” is expected to pass away.

3. General Motors will announce its bankruptcy tomorrow. There was a last minute push to allow the carmaker to use some credit cards, but because of the new credit card laws, GM is now too risky.

4. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is visiting the Chinese to reassure them that we are going to control our deficits. How nice to see us go the Chinese like a guy behind in his rent. Hey, we’ll be good, really. Trust us.

5. Scientists have now recreated a musical instrument that was used for nearly two thousand years, then abandoned about three centuries ago. Yeah, I wonder why people stopped playing that? That would be so easy to bring to school.