5/16

1. As a protest against his record label, the musician Danger Mouse is going to release a blank CD. Yeah, Jessica Simpson tried that too, but it backfired, because critics called it her best ever. But you know, Danger Mouse got the idea from my old band. You may have heard of us. We were called “Sony”. The album was called “CD-ROM five-pack”. I have to admit, I didn’t think it was a good idea to release a quintuple album, but it’s become the biggest selling album of all time.

2. China is opening up its first sex theme park, because it certainly isn’t happening in their bedrooms. The authorities thought, “Hey, maybe if we made sex into a roller coaster!”

3. Two people who work at Yellowstone National Park were fired after someone filmed them peeing into Old Faithful. Maybe they were jealous. Aren’t geysers just Mother Nature’s way to urinate?

4. Did you hear about this pitcher for the Los Angeles Angels who was thrown out of a game after only two pitches? Can we see the two pitches? [Show clip from game, but have ball go into stands and knock out a child wearing a shirt of the opposing team.] Now that might have been coincidence, but check out the second pitch. [Clip of second pitch, but this time it hits the paramedic carrying the boy out.] Nasty. I think he deserved it.

5. The filly Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness Stakes horse race today. Yes, it was a great day for feminism -- an end to the macho reputation of horse racing [see picture below]! Hmm. Personally, thinking of naked women and sweaty horses just gives me bad memories.