5/11

1. A new study says snails that use less energy are more likely to live. The quote I liked best from the scientists was: “We could recover the dead because… they didn’t move more than a couple meters each year.” Wow, they could do a study of my uncle Jimmy too.

2. Did you hear about this high school in Ohio that suspended a student for going to prom at another school? It’s because his school forbids dancing, rock music, and holding hands. Wow, a school that makes sure guys don’t dance or hold hands? A lot of guys are trying to get into that school. Until they learn that you can’t have sex either. The couple is now thinking of taking a vacation in a far more hedonistic place, like Utah or Iran.

3. The new American commander in Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal, is part of Osama’s “push away from conventional military planning, and towards modern asymmetric fighting”. Hmm, haven’t we heard that from someone else? Last name of Bumsfeld, or Rumsgeld, or something like that?

4. Did you hear about this kid in England who painted a 60-foot penis on the roof of his parents’ house? And they didn’t realize it for a year! I didn’t realize about my 60-foot penis for a year too. Of course, mine was real.

5. Wanda Sykes gave the annual comic speech at the White House Correspondents dinner, and compared Rush Limbaugh to a terrorist. Osama bin Laden immediately released a statement: “Hey, we’re not as bad as Limbaugh! We’re very offended.”