5/14

1. A Catholic priest in Poland has just published a sex guide for couples. Isn’t that like Nancy Pelosi putting out a guide for improving your memory? The book’s first chapter is: “Bring the excitement back to driving your lover to grade school.”

2. A new study says that if the West Antarctic Ice Sheet collapses, the oceans won’t rise 18 feet, but only 10. Whew! So that means only one story of downtown New York will be flooded. Because I’m on the second floor. Everything is going to be okay.

3. An American couple in Egypt has been arrested for attempting to adopt twins there. Man, just do what I do -- go to the local playground and grab one. It’s not hard if you have a car. And twins? How many spare kidneys do you need?

4. A new study says that ginger relieves nausea during chemotherapy. However, unfortunately, nausea increased with MaryAnn or Gilligan.

5. Nancy Pelosi says the CIA did not tell her that it was using waterboarding. It only told her that waterboarding had been approved. That’s like going to your wife and saying: “Hey honey, I‘ve picked out my next mistress and got a hotel room, but trust me, we‘re not going to actually do anything.”