5/21

1. The video-sharing website YouTube said that one day this week people put hundreds of pornographic videos on the site. That was good news, though, because it was the lowest number ever. Usually people put thousands.

2. After a long silence, the police finally released information on a group of American terrorists who wanted to bomb synagogues, saying that they are “extremely violent” and “eager to bring death to Jews”. Really? I never would have guessed that. I thought they had a thing against six-pointed stars. Maybe they were fundamentalist geometry teachers. “Stars should only have five points!”

3. The Somali pirate captured by the U.S. Navy last month says that he’s innocent. Yeah, he was just out for a swim. A hundred miles from shore. He’s tired of the Kenyans winning all those marathons, so he decided to become a triathlete.

4. A new study says that vitamin D is vital for a healthy brain. But the best way to get vitamin D is from sunlight. So that means you’ll be fully sharp and aware through all the chemotherapy for your skin cancer.

5. A t-shirt with three wolves baying at the moon has become one of the biggest-selling items on the website Amazon. The reason? The reviews. This is an actual review on Amazon: “After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.” Another review says: “I do have one complaint, and that's that I must stay indoors on windy days. Last fall we had a windy day and I received notice that hundreds of women were suddenly pregnant, carrying my offspring, up to 12 miles away.” We wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so we ordered one of the shirts. I’m going to try it on right now. [Put on shirt. Screen goes black. Return with shirt off again.] Sorry folks, we apparently had a pheromone blackout. The excessive manliness of the shirt blew the electricity. That’s also why I have to shave my chest before work.