1. A new cancer drug can apparently make patients’ fingerprints disappear. Maybe that’s why we’ve seen so much more cancer in some parts of Italy. “Man, something really causes a lot of cancer in these Mafia guys.”
2. A new study says that smokers trying to quit will do better when they use internet quitting programs. Of course, then they have internet addiction. Which causes them to lose their jobs. Which causes them to start smoking again.
3. The Iraqi government has put out arrest warrants for nearly 1,000 officials that it says are corrupt. Which cancels out any return visits by some members of the Bush administration.
4. The National Spelling Bee is coming up, and last year’s winner, plus the two favorites to win this year, all want to be neurosurgeons. Maybe they’ll be able to figure out the brain deformity that’s erased the ability of the rest of their generation to spell.
5. You know the 2000 Supreme Court case between George Bush and Al Gore? The attorneys from both sides are now trying to overturn Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage. Finally, we’re seeing something that’s a uniter, not a divider.
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