BEST OF THE WEEK

As a protest against his record label, the musician Danger Mouse is going to release a blank CD. Yeah, Jessica Simpson tried that too, but it backfired, because critics called it her best ever. But you know, Danger Mouse got the idea from my old band. You may have heard of us. We were called “Sony”. The album was called “CD-ROM five-pack”. I have to admit, I didn’t want to release a quintuple album, but it’s become the biggest selling album of all time.

President Obama has chosen the governor of Utah to be ambassador to China, because the governor has the best understanding of what it’s like to run a repressive cultish government.

A Catholic priest in Poland has just published a sex guide for couples. Isn’t that like Nancy Pelosi putting out a guide for improving your memory? The book’s first chapter is: “Bring the excitement back to driving your lover to grade school.”

A new study says that not retiring can keep people from developing dementia. Of course, at my job, not retiring would be seen AS a sign of dementia.

An American couple in Egypt has been arrested for attempting to adopt twins there. Man, don’t go all the way to Egypt. Just do what I do -- go to the local playground and grab one. It’s not hard if you have a car. And twins? How many spare kidneys do you need?

A new study shows that only 38% of northwest Pakistan is under government control. 38%! We’ve reached a point where the Taliban is more successful than General Motors.

Today, the classified ad website Craig’s List decided to stop its “erotic services” section. I know, I’m disappointed too. Instead, this is true, they’re going to change it to “adult services”. Wow, that’ll show ‘em! They’re also going to manually review each ad to see if it’s for prostitution, even if it means going and meeting these people face-to-face, at their apartments, for up to an hour. They are willing to do what it takes!

Did you hear about these prison guards in Florida who shocked kids with stun guns on Take Your Kid to Work Day? Yeah, this is going to make kids want to join the work force. Still, it’s better than temping.

Nancy Pelosi says the CIA did not tell her that it was using waterboarding. It only told her that waterboarding had been approved. That’s like going to your wife and saying: “Hey honey, I‘ve picked out my next mistress and got a hotel room, but trust me, we're not going to actually do anything.”