1. Starbucks has announced that it will grind coffee beans for every new pot, because if there’s anything that Starbucks needs, with all the kids, loud music, and shouting baristas -- it’s more noise. Representatives of the International Study Association said its members will now study in quieter places, like bus stations and rock quarries.
2. Did you hear about this girl in Belgium who wanted three stars tattooed on her face, fell asleep in the chair, and ended up with over fifty? But you know, I think the problem began with wanting tattoos on your face! That’s like: “Oh my god! I only wanted them to burn my garage for the insurance money, and they ended up burning the whole house!” I also think this might be a case of: “Wow, my dad is way more pissed off than I thought! ‘Uhh, I fell asleep!’”
3. A teenager from Kansas has won a national cell-phone texting championship. And she sends an average of 14,000 texts a month! She’s easy to spot in her town -- she’s the one with hoof-like calluses on her thumbs. The competition was sponsored by the Korean company LG Electronics. And the LG was, this is true, originally ‘Lucky Goldstar’. I hear they changed the name because it was, um, Lucky Goldstar! Jesus, it sounds like an old B-Western actor. “Howdy there! I’m Lucky Goldstar!”
4. A guy in New York apparently dressed up as his dead mother for the last six years to get her Social Security payments. His name? Norman Bates. “Mother! I want my Social Security!”
5. The Emmys had to be moved back to avoid clashing with the MTV Awards. But considering who’s on reality shows these days, a real conflict would be with the VH1 Awards.
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