BEST OF THE WEEK

The prime minister of Italy insists that he has NOT had an affair with an underage girl and will resign if he turns out to be lying. I like that he feels he should be thrown out for lying, but not necessarily for the statutory rape.

Journalist Roxana Saberi has returned to Fargo, North Dakota after being released from prison in Iran. On a sad note, however, she now has to live in North Dakota.

President Obama has formed a cyberteam to protect the country against groups who disable our computers and make normal life impossible. The team’s first action is going to be to shut down Microsoft.

Did you hear about this baby in Illinois who was given a gun permit? The baby was apparently trying to defend himself from relentless stalkers who kept hiding and then emerging from behind their hands all day.

A new report says reducing healthcare spending from 6% per year to 4.5% would have enormous benefits to the economy, mainly by getting rid of a lot of deadbeat seniors.

Two years ago, a man in Britain was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so like most people, he went to a bookie. Every year he survives, he gets a payout. Maybe this is the answer to the health insurance crisis -- let Vegas run it. This reminds me of when I was 18 and bet on whether I would lose my virginity that year. And it’s been paying off ever since! Suckers!

Time Warner and AOL are now finally going to split. The head of Time Warner said that AOL can now fulfill its potential to be “a leading independent internet company”. Yeah, my girlfriend told me something like that just before she dumped me too. “I don’t think you can fulfill your potential in this relationship.”

Phil Spector will have to serve 19 years in prison before coming up for parole. However, his hair got life.