1. A Chinese businessman will pay over $2 million to have lunch with the great investor Warren Buffet. I assume Buffet’s first piece of financial advice will be: “Jesus, don’t ever pay $2 million for lunch.” And in honor of Buffet, the lunch will be all-you-can-eat.
2. Lots of trouble in the African nation of Zimbabwe. The Bush administration has repeatedly condemned President Robert Mugabe for his harsh authoritarian policies. The main reasons Bush has given are that Zimbabwe has no oil and no terrorists, so it’s okay to not support its government. Oh wait, no, actually they said it was to promote democracy in the region. However, Mugabe is getting lots of support from the president of the nearby nation of Gabon, whose name is, this is true, Omar Bongo. Some people think that Mugabe is just playing Bongo, though. And in addition to having one of the coolest names ever, Mr. Bongo has been president of Gabon for 31 years! That’s over four times as long as George W. Bush. Now, for the math people out there, you may argue that four times infinity is still infinity, but actually, Bush hasn’t been president forever - it just feels that way. In an interview, Zimbabwe’s Mugabe actually said that his country has one of the best economies in Africa, as long as you don’t count the fact that there IS NO FOOD IN THE STORES! Yeah, minor things like that. Everyone’s starving, but rich, if you measure money in volume, since inflation in Zimbabwe is running at, again this is true, nine million percent. Soon, they won’t have a housing crisis, because people will just build homes out of money.
3. Some video has come out of Amy Winehouse punching a fan at a concert, and I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I’m glad that she’s got some of her strength back. She was looking pretty weak there for awhile.
4. A woman in Florida is selling her house, and as part of the deal, is also offering her hand in marriage. The woman says that she “always dreamt about being a fairy tale princess.” So like most medieval princesses, she’s being offered as property.
5. In Australia, the Air Force wanted to retire one of its big passenger airliners, which look like regular commercial airliners. So how did they decide to do this? By having the plane fly all over downtown Sydney chased by a fighter jet! Yeah, that’s not going to give anyone ideas. Office workers all over Sydney evacuated their buildings. The incident was even worse considering the traditional Australian outfit for pilots on a plane’s last flight. [Show image of Australian air force pilot wearing black Shia mullah robes and turban, but with “Australia” written in big happy letters on it.] Did this idea occur to the Australian prime minister when he was getting thrown out of that strip club here in New York?
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
6/29
1. The main opposition candidate for prime minister of Malaysia is being charged with the crime of ‘sodomy’ again. Before you laugh at how backward Malaysia is, until a few years ago, he could also have been charged (true) in 13 U.S. states.
2. The town of Elizabeth in Illinois has tried to set the world record for the most Elizabeths to gather in one place. In a similar attempt, an Indiana singles club failed to get French women to gather in French Lick.
3. Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to focus more attention on his charity. He’s already worked out a deal with vaccine makers to only distribute vaccines through his charity.
4. Despite promises to the contrary, tobacco companies are still selling single cigarettes in many developing countries, because children can‘t afford an entire pack. I used to do that with M&Ms at my elementary school.
5. In Sweden, a school says that two children who weren’t invited to a birthday party had their civil rights violated. Man, if I had been raised in Sweden, I would have been a civil rights icon.
2. The town of Elizabeth in Illinois has tried to set the world record for the most Elizabeths to gather in one place. In a similar attempt, an Indiana singles club failed to get French women to gather in French Lick.
3. Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to focus more attention on his charity. He’s already worked out a deal with vaccine makers to only distribute vaccines through his charity.
4. Despite promises to the contrary, tobacco companies are still selling single cigarettes in many developing countries, because children can‘t afford an entire pack. I used to do that with M&Ms at my elementary school.
5. In Sweden, a school says that two children who weren’t invited to a birthday party had their civil rights violated. Man, if I had been raised in Sweden, I would have been a civil rights icon.
Friday, June 27, 2008
6/27
1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton joined Barack Obama for a rally in the town of Unity, New Hampshire. What a coincidence! For them to come together in a town called Unity! It’s as if someone planned it. This was like the first time McCain endorsed Bush in the town of Bitter Grudging, Utah. Though it might have made more sense for Clinton to rally for Obama in the Australian town of Broken Hill. That’s a real town, by the way. And not only is it known for its hard drinking [show picture of Clinton drinking shots] but for being very distant and having costly bills.
2. A NASA scientist says that Martian soil might be good for growing asparagus. What if you’ve always wanted to live on Mars, but you don’t like asparagus?
3. Bill Gates stepped down from being the head of Microsoft today, in order to focus on charity work. The first charity is for people who can’t afford mental health care after trying to run Microsoft’s new software.
4. Nelson Mandela is having his 90th birthday celebration in London… listening to music that he doesn’t like, played by people who have absolutely no idea what he went through. This is like a Holocaust survivor getting serenaded by a night of rap music from teenagers in Beverly Hills.
5. In more “Isn’t Australia Cool” news, the country’s head of the Treasury is going to take a five-week vacation to help raise wombats. I love him not just for his environmental activism, but for giving me the opportunity to say “wombat” on television.
2. A NASA scientist says that Martian soil might be good for growing asparagus. What if you’ve always wanted to live on Mars, but you don’t like asparagus?
3. Bill Gates stepped down from being the head of Microsoft today, in order to focus on charity work. The first charity is for people who can’t afford mental health care after trying to run Microsoft’s new software.
4. Nelson Mandela is having his 90th birthday celebration in London… listening to music that he doesn’t like, played by people who have absolutely no idea what he went through. This is like a Holocaust survivor getting serenaded by a night of rap music from teenagers in Beverly Hills.
5. In more “Isn’t Australia Cool” news, the country’s head of the Treasury is going to take a five-week vacation to help raise wombats. I love him not just for his environmental activism, but for giving me the opportunity to say “wombat” on television.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
The media is reporting that thousands of Chinese couples plan to get married on the first day of the Beijing Olympics this summer. But doesn’t China have 1.3 billion people? Aren’t thousands of couples planning to get married the day after too? And the day after that? And after that…
It appears that Amy Winehouse has emphysema, but could recover completely as long as she stops smoking. So start writing the obituaries now, folks. When her doctor told her to stop smoking, her first question was: “Does that include crack?”
Martha Stewart was denied a visa to travel to Great Britain, because of her insider-trading conviction a few years ago. And she’s already put together a show about how to embroider a visa-rejection letter into a lovely quilt. A British official said: “We continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence… is not conducive to the public good.” Apparently, Great Britain has already achieved nearly fatal levels of wicker.
The government of Saudi Arabia announced that it arrested 520 terrorism suspects. At the same time, it announced a job fair to fill the 520 sudden vacancies in its government offices.
Bill Clinton now says he will do whatever is necessary to get Barack Obama elected president. The Obama campaign thanked him for his support and sent him on a trip to Europe… until about December.
The International Cricket Association said that it might ban Zimbabwe from international cricket matches. Just as soon as the first match wraps up from when it started 59 years ago.
Scientists say the Phoenix lander on Mars has found evidence of ice, because it took pictures of “white stuff” under the soil. “White stuff”. Now, couldn’t they have put something on the lander to figure out if something was water? Like some sort of eight-grade chemistry set? Maybe a Britta filter?
Do you know how hot it was yesterday? It was so hot that just for the air conditioning, I actually sat through the new M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Today, I’m going to say the four words I hoped I couldn’t say on television: George Carlin died yesterday.
The national airline of Sudan has been banned from flying for one month due to safety violations. Negotiations are still under way to ban the entire nation of Sudan from Planet Earth for safety violations.
In Miami, police have arrested a bus that’s being called a ‘brothel-on-wheels’. They’ve also arrested what they’re calling an ‘ice-cream-shop-on-wheels’. And worse, it focused on luring in kids. With a hypnotic constant song that gets into your brain like an ice pick. One of the most disturbing items found on board was the blatantly anti-American piece of propaganda pictured below. Equating the United States with bombs. Why couldn’t they call it a ‘Freedom Pop’?
It appears that Amy Winehouse has emphysema, but could recover completely as long as she stops smoking. So start writing the obituaries now, folks. When her doctor told her to stop smoking, her first question was: “Does that include crack?”
Martha Stewart was denied a visa to travel to Great Britain, because of her insider-trading conviction a few years ago. And she’s already put together a show about how to embroider a visa-rejection letter into a lovely quilt. A British official said: “We continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence… is not conducive to the public good.” Apparently, Great Britain has already achieved nearly fatal levels of wicker.
The government of Saudi Arabia announced that it arrested 520 terrorism suspects. At the same time, it announced a job fair to fill the 520 sudden vacancies in its government offices.
Bill Clinton now says he will do whatever is necessary to get Barack Obama elected president. The Obama campaign thanked him for his support and sent him on a trip to Europe… until about December.
The International Cricket Association said that it might ban Zimbabwe from international cricket matches. Just as soon as the first match wraps up from when it started 59 years ago.
Scientists say the Phoenix lander on Mars has found evidence of ice, because it took pictures of “white stuff” under the soil. “White stuff”. Now, couldn’t they have put something on the lander to figure out if something was water? Like some sort of eight-grade chemistry set? Maybe a Britta filter?
Do you know how hot it was yesterday? It was so hot that just for the air conditioning, I actually sat through the new M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Today, I’m going to say the four words I hoped I couldn’t say on television: George Carlin died yesterday.
The national airline of Sudan has been banned from flying for one month due to safety violations. Negotiations are still under way to ban the entire nation of Sudan from Planet Earth for safety violations.
In Miami, police have arrested a bus that’s being called a ‘brothel-on-wheels’. They’ve also arrested what they’re calling an ‘ice-cream-shop-on-wheels’. And worse, it focused on luring in kids. With a hypnotic constant song that gets into your brain like an ice pick. One of the most disturbing items found on board was the blatantly anti-American piece of propaganda pictured below. Equating the United States with bombs. Why couldn’t they call it a ‘Freedom Pop’?
6/26
1. In Miami, police have arrested a bus that’s being called a ‘brothel-on-wheels’. They’ve also arrested what they’re calling an ‘ice-cream-shop-on-wheels’. And worse, it focused on luring in kids. With a hypnotic constant song that gets into your brain like an ice pick. One of the most disturbing items found on board was this blatantly anti-American piece of propaganda. [Hold up one of the classic red, white, and blue ice treats on a stick.] It’s called a ‘Bomb Pop’. Equating the United States with bombs. Why couldn’t they call it a ‘Freedom Pop’?
2. A new soap opera in the United States featuring wild and sexually aggressive women from India is being attacked by some groups for promoting stereotypes about Indian women. Yeah, because he all know how everyone thinks Indian women are slutty. What?
3. North Korea released a declaration of its nuclear activities today. If it’s anything like previous releases, experts say that it will probably attribute its nuclear arsenal to gumdrop fairies.
4. French president Nicolas Sarkozy has annoyed some female politicians by giving them ties as gifts. He didn’t help matters when he then suggested they use them in bed.
5. The airplane manufacturer Airbus introduced a plane with carbon-fiber wings today. The new plane has over 50% of the recommended daily allowance of fiber.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
6/25
1. In Dubai, plans are being made for the world’s first moving skyscraper, with 80 floors that rotate around for no apparent reason. This is where your gas money is going people! You know, it’s one thing to charge us over four bucks a gallon - it’s another to take that money and make giant rotating skyscrapers with it. This was the original design, I hear. [Show altered photo so that it looks like an extended middle finger.] And even worse - the building will be powered by wind turbines! They’re not even going to use oil! The Middle East is using wind power, and we’re still using oil. How messed up is that? It’s sort of like how America exported “Baywatch” to other countries where it became a #1 rated network show, while here it was on at like midnight. “Oil? We don’t use that crap! Don’t you know it causes pollution? We send it off to other countries!”
2. The government of Saudi Arabia announced that it arrested 520 terrorism suspects. At the same time, it announced a job fair to fill the 520 sudden vacancies in its government offices.
3. The Queen of England says that she is going to strip Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe of his honorary knighthood. It’s the first time this has been done since Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu, just one day before his execution. Does she know something about Mugabe that she’s not telling us? And you know, how many brutal dictators out there have honorary British knighthood? Not counting Bill Gates. What do you have to do to not be offered British knighthood? [Show picture of Charlie Chaplin.] Oh yeah, be a liberal.
4. Have you seen these new American game shows based on Japanese ones? You see, normally, their game shows are like our political shows and vice versa. Going on “The O’Reilly Factor” gets you a lot of money, because your book get massive publicity, but you also come away with only one functioning kidney.
5. The government of Burma isn’t letting a team of telecommunications aid workers go to areas hit by the recent cyclone, in order to block information from leaking out. It sounds like the Burmese government is in charge of my roommate’s office building.
2. The government of Saudi Arabia announced that it arrested 520 terrorism suspects. At the same time, it announced a job fair to fill the 520 sudden vacancies in its government offices.
3. The Queen of England says that she is going to strip Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe of his honorary knighthood. It’s the first time this has been done since Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu, just one day before his execution. Does she know something about Mugabe that she’s not telling us? And you know, how many brutal dictators out there have honorary British knighthood? Not counting Bill Gates. What do you have to do to not be offered British knighthood? [Show picture of Charlie Chaplin.] Oh yeah, be a liberal.
4. Have you seen these new American game shows based on Japanese ones? You see, normally, their game shows are like our political shows and vice versa. Going on “The O’Reilly Factor” gets you a lot of money, because your book get massive publicity, but you also come away with only one functioning kidney.
5. The government of Burma isn’t letting a team of telecommunications aid workers go to areas hit by the recent cyclone, in order to block information from leaking out. It sounds like the Burmese government is in charge of my roommate’s office building.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
6/24
1. Bill Clinton now says he will do whatever is necessary to get Barack Obama elected president. The Obama campaign thanked him for his support and sent him on a trip to Europe… until about December.
2. Yesterday, conservative Christian leader James Dobson accused Barack Obama of having a “fruitcake interpretation” of the Constitution. Actually, that happens to be correct, as can be seen from this photograph. [Show Obama on a podium holding a giant fruitcake with the Constitution in frosting on top.] Forget all this crazy conspiracy stuff about Obama being a secret Muslim or Black Power activist. He’s actually a secret Keebler Elf. [Add Keebler Elf hat to Obama in picture and put some other Keebler Elves around him.] He’s hoping the “E.L.” in “E.L. Fudge” stands for “Electoral Landslide”.
3. The International Cricket Association said that it might ban Zimbabwe from international cricket matches. Just as soon as that first match wraps up from when it started 59 years ago.
4. Scientists have found a species of frog with claws that come out by piercing through the skin in their fingers. That actually happened to me this weekend when I tasted one of those new Gatorade-flavored Doritos. [Act out stretching hands.]
5. Amy Winehouse has begun rehearsals for her upcoming concerts, even though she has been diagnosed with lung emphysema. Said Winehouse: “Emphysema? I have my liver replaced every week. A little emphysema isn’t going to stop me.”
2. Yesterday, conservative Christian leader James Dobson accused Barack Obama of having a “fruitcake interpretation” of the Constitution. Actually, that happens to be correct, as can be seen from this photograph. [Show Obama on a podium holding a giant fruitcake with the Constitution in frosting on top.] Forget all this crazy conspiracy stuff about Obama being a secret Muslim or Black Power activist. He’s actually a secret Keebler Elf. [Add Keebler Elf hat to Obama in picture and put some other Keebler Elves around him.] He’s hoping the “E.L.” in “E.L. Fudge” stands for “Electoral Landslide”.
3. The International Cricket Association said that it might ban Zimbabwe from international cricket matches. Just as soon as that first match wraps up from when it started 59 years ago.
4. Scientists have found a species of frog with claws that come out by piercing through the skin in their fingers. That actually happened to me this weekend when I tasted one of those new Gatorade-flavored Doritos. [Act out stretching hands.]
5. Amy Winehouse has begun rehearsals for her upcoming concerts, even though she has been diagnosed with lung emphysema. Said Winehouse: “Emphysema? I have my liver replaced every week. A little emphysema isn’t going to stop me.”
Monday, June 23, 2008
6/23
1. It appears that Amy Winehouse has emphysema, but could recover completely as long as she stops smoking. So start writing the obituaries now, folks. When her doctor told her to stop smoking, her first question was: “Does that include crack?”
2. Corn prices have risen 60% so far this year. In fact, it’s so bad, many TV shows now pay almost double for jokes. Some shows might have to switch to alternative sources of humor like wit and irony instead of corn, or as it’s called in its unrefined form: ‘cornball’.
3. It might soon become easier to create addresses for websites. However, there will still be an arbitration system that can reject domains on “morality or public order” grounds. So this might be the end of the “American Gladiators” website.
4. A restaurant in Beirut is apparently decorating itself like a military outpost, with weapons and camouflage hanging on the walls. The owner says that it’s all being done as a joke, to relieve some tension in the neighborhood. They’re very literal about those torpedo sandwiches. You don’t see other disaster areas doing this. There are no New Orleans restaurants in swimming pools. There are no commemorative restaurants in the hometown of Jessica Simpson.
5. Today, I’m going to say the four words I hoped I couldn’t say on television: George Carlin died yesterday.
2. Corn prices have risen 60% so far this year. In fact, it’s so bad, many TV shows now pay almost double for jokes. Some shows might have to switch to alternative sources of humor like wit and irony instead of corn, or as it’s called in its unrefined form: ‘cornball’.
3. It might soon become easier to create addresses for websites. However, there will still be an arbitration system that can reject domains on “morality or public order” grounds. So this might be the end of the “American Gladiators” website.
4. A restaurant in Beirut is apparently decorating itself like a military outpost, with weapons and camouflage hanging on the walls. The owner says that it’s all being done as a joke, to relieve some tension in the neighborhood. They’re very literal about those torpedo sandwiches. You don’t see other disaster areas doing this. There are no New Orleans restaurants in swimming pools. There are no commemorative restaurants in the hometown of Jessica Simpson.
5. Today, I’m going to say the four words I hoped I couldn’t say on television: George Carlin died yesterday.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
6/21
1. The media is reporting that thousands of Chinese couples plan to get married on the first day of the Beijing Olympics this summer. But doesn’t China have 1.3 billion people? Aren’t thousands of couples planning to get married the day after too? And the day after that? And after that…
2. Martha Stewart was denied a visa to travel to Great Britain, because of her conviction for lying about stocks a few years ago. And she’s already put together a show about how to embroider a visa-rejection letter into a lovely quilt. A British official said: “We continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence… is not conducive to the public good.” Apparently, Great Britain has already achieved nearly fatal levels of wicker, so the arrival of Stewart could tip them over the edge.
3. The World’s Ugliest Dog contest was held yesterday. Here’s a picture of the winner. [Show photo of the new official mascot of the Japanese city of Nara, which is a bizarre giant walking baby with antlers. Nara locals hate it.] That is honestly the new mascot of the Japanese city of Nara. Maybe they’re having overpopulation problems and want to frighten people away. Anyway, here’s the real photo of the new World’s Ugliest Dog. [Show real photo.] Aren’t dogs wonderful? He has no idea what he looks like. Just scratch his belly and in his mind he’s Brad Pitt-Bull. The other great thing about owning an ugly dog is that they attract women while also scaring off children.
4. The national airline of Sudan has been banned from flying for one month due to safety violations. Negotiations are still under way to ban the entire nation of Sudan from Planet Earth for safety violations.
5. Have you seen this photo of a super-patriotic baby in China? [Show Getty photo of a baby’s face with the slogan “I HEART China” on his forehead.] Now, why is “I HEART China” written in English? Seems to undercut the message somewhat, don’t you think?
2. Martha Stewart was denied a visa to travel to Great Britain, because of her conviction for lying about stocks a few years ago. And she’s already put together a show about how to embroider a visa-rejection letter into a lovely quilt. A British official said: “We continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence… is not conducive to the public good.” Apparently, Great Britain has already achieved nearly fatal levels of wicker, so the arrival of Stewart could tip them over the edge.
3. The World’s Ugliest Dog contest was held yesterday. Here’s a picture of the winner. [Show photo of the new official mascot of the Japanese city of Nara, which is a bizarre giant walking baby with antlers. Nara locals hate it.] That is honestly the new mascot of the Japanese city of Nara. Maybe they’re having overpopulation problems and want to frighten people away. Anyway, here’s the real photo of the new World’s Ugliest Dog. [Show real photo.] Aren’t dogs wonderful? He has no idea what he looks like. Just scratch his belly and in his mind he’s Brad Pitt-Bull. The other great thing about owning an ugly dog is that they attract women while also scaring off children.
4. The national airline of Sudan has been banned from flying for one month due to safety violations. Negotiations are still under way to ban the entire nation of Sudan from Planet Earth for safety violations.
5. Have you seen this photo of a super-patriotic baby in China? [Show Getty photo of a baby’s face with the slogan “I HEART China” on his forehead.] Now, why is “I HEART China” written in English? Seems to undercut the message somewhat, don’t you think?
Friday, June 20, 2008
6/20
1. In Massachusetts, a group of teenage girls apparently entered some sort of pact to have babies together. No, not that way. Fathers were involved. The girls all said: “We’ll just have staff on the set take care of our babies while we go to school, the way Jamie Lynn Spears does.”
2. Scientists now say that the Phoenix lander on Mars has definitely found evidence of ice. They say this, because they found pictures of white stuff under the soil. Pictures of white stuff. Now, couldn’t they have put something on the lander to figure out if something was water? Like some sort of eight-grade chemistry set? Maybe a Britta filter?
3. Do you know how hot it was yesterday? (“How hot was it?”) It was so hot that just for the air conditioning, I actually sat through the new M. Night Shyamalan movie.
4. Governor Schwarzenegger said that people in California have to try to help senior citizens stay cool in the heat. This let to a tragedy, though, when a 90-year-old man was stoned with Popsicles.
5. Congress passed a new law today legalizing the warrantless wiretapping that the Bush administration was doing illegally before. Now, was that so hard, Mr. President?
2. Scientists now say that the Phoenix lander on Mars has definitely found evidence of ice. They say this, because they found pictures of white stuff under the soil. Pictures of white stuff. Now, couldn’t they have put something on the lander to figure out if something was water? Like some sort of eight-grade chemistry set? Maybe a Britta filter?
3. Do you know how hot it was yesterday? (“How hot was it?”) It was so hot that just for the air conditioning, I actually sat through the new M. Night Shyamalan movie.
4. Governor Schwarzenegger said that people in California have to try to help senior citizens stay cool in the heat. This let to a tragedy, though, when a 90-year-old man was stoned with Popsicles.
5. Congress passed a new law today legalizing the warrantless wiretapping that the Bush administration was doing illegally before. Now, was that so hard, Mr. President?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Smugglers are now bringing Cuban refugees in speedboats. But some refugees died recently, so the Coast Guard asked Cubans to not use speedboats. Yes, please go back to using rafts made of cardboard. Because those are soooo much safer.
In Romania, a village has elected a dead man as mayor. Not metaphorically dead, like Hillary Clinton, but really actually dead. I guess he was just really stiff competition.
Gas in California is so expensive that some people are crossing the border into Mexico to fill up their tanks. When I was a kid, the only time people got Mexican gas was from eating burritos.
Yesterday, a girl in Michigan got hit by lightning but had no serious injuries. So the doctors told her she should buy a lottery ticket. She did and won $20! Which will pay for about, oh, five seconds of her trip to the hospital. What a lucky girl!
Some estimate that Barack Obama could raise as much as $200 to $300 million from private sources, especially since school is out for the summer. Get those lemonade stands running, kids!
Barack Obama says he’ll reject public campaign funding, despite an earlier pledge. When asked why he changed his mind, reporters couldn’t hear Obama’s answer, because his mouth was blocked by piles of privately donated money.
Summer scarves are becoming popular with women, because with more of them wearing flip-flops, they aren’t meeting their general quota of insanely uncomfortable clothing.
President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has pledged that “lackeys” will never run Zimbabwe. Then he arrested everyone who didn’t agree with him.
A Belgian beer company is trying to buy Budweiser, but Budweiser is resisting, because the Belgians might make them start selling actual beer.
A court in Chicago has acquitted R. Kelly of all child pornography charges. That damn legal system -- always getting in the way of hard-working comedians trying to make jokes!
Experts say that people who become addicted to cell phones turn irritable, withdrawn, and antisocial. Then what are they doing on their phones? Maybe that’s why they’re on the phone all the time -- they keep running out of people they haven’t ticked off. And if they’re not talking to anyone on the phones, I think that’s a different problem called ‘schizophrenia’.
The Egyptian government has banned a 92-year-old foreign man from marrying a 17-year-old girl, because it’s worried about the trafficking of women. However, the government will approve the marriage if the man deposits a very large sum of money. But isn’t paying a massive sum of money to take a young girl out of the country called… ‘trafficking’?
So this weekend, the UN handed control of Kosovo over to its citizens. They inaugurated their new flag too. Yeahhhh, no one is ever going to forget what Kosovo looks like. Man, couldn’t they have put some weird little antenna enclave sticking out somewhere? This is like Wyoming putting its outline on its flag. “We are proud to be a rectangle!” You know, Kosovo kind of looks like Texas. Except, of course, Texas has a lot more guns.
In Romania, a village has elected a dead man as mayor. Not metaphorically dead, like Hillary Clinton, but really actually dead. I guess he was just really stiff competition.
Gas in California is so expensive that some people are crossing the border into Mexico to fill up their tanks. When I was a kid, the only time people got Mexican gas was from eating burritos.
Yesterday, a girl in Michigan got hit by lightning but had no serious injuries. So the doctors told her she should buy a lottery ticket. She did and won $20! Which will pay for about, oh, five seconds of her trip to the hospital. What a lucky girl!
Some estimate that Barack Obama could raise as much as $200 to $300 million from private sources, especially since school is out for the summer. Get those lemonade stands running, kids!
Barack Obama says he’ll reject public campaign funding, despite an earlier pledge. When asked why he changed his mind, reporters couldn’t hear Obama’s answer, because his mouth was blocked by piles of privately donated money.
Summer scarves are becoming popular with women, because with more of them wearing flip-flops, they aren’t meeting their general quota of insanely uncomfortable clothing.
President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has pledged that “lackeys” will never run Zimbabwe. Then he arrested everyone who didn’t agree with him.
A Belgian beer company is trying to buy Budweiser, but Budweiser is resisting, because the Belgians might make them start selling actual beer.
A court in Chicago has acquitted R. Kelly of all child pornography charges. That damn legal system -- always getting in the way of hard-working comedians trying to make jokes!
Experts say that people who become addicted to cell phones turn irritable, withdrawn, and antisocial. Then what are they doing on their phones? Maybe that’s why they’re on the phone all the time -- they keep running out of people they haven’t ticked off. And if they’re not talking to anyone on the phones, I think that’s a different problem called ‘schizophrenia’.
The Egyptian government has banned a 92-year-old foreign man from marrying a 17-year-old girl, because it’s worried about the trafficking of women. However, the government will approve the marriage if the man deposits a very large sum of money. But isn’t paying a massive sum of money to take a young girl out of the country called… ‘trafficking’?
So this weekend, the UN handed control of Kosovo over to its citizens. They inaugurated their new flag too. Yeahhhh, no one is ever going to forget what Kosovo looks like. Man, couldn’t they have put some weird little antenna enclave sticking out somewhere? This is like Wyoming putting its outline on its flag. “We are proud to be a rectangle!” You know, Kosovo kind of looks like Texas. Except, of course, Texas has a lot more guns.
6/19
1. Smugglers are now bringing Cuban refugees in speedboats. But some refugees died recently, so the Coast Guard asked Cubans to not use speedboats. Yes, please go back to using rafts made of cardboard. Because those are soooo much safer.
2. A woman who gave birth to sextuplets last year recently ran a marathon. But the babies still caught up with her. She said that as soon as the babies fell asleep, she’d throw her running shoes on and head out the door. Is this the sort of quote you want to read about your mother? “Oh man, as soon as my kids were asleep, bam! I was gone!”
3. In Australia, some politicians are upset about a British chef who swears a lot during his TV show. He apparently used phrases with the f-word nearly 80 times in 40 minutes. You know, like “fresh vegetables” and “fresh fruit”. Politicians are horrified at the thought of millions of Australian children asking their mothers: “Why aren’t those vegetables coming out of a can?” Executives of the show said that the swear words were okay, because they were sometimes used in praise. Well that’s a fucking good idea! Did that still get bleeped? “Yeah, go ahead and use those words, son, but only if you use them positively.” However, they did admit that the use of an even more offensive word was unacceptable, and they wouldn’t broadcast it again. That word of course was “Emeril”.
4. Some estimate that Barack Obama could raise as much as $200 to $300 million from private sources, especially since school is out for the summer. Get those lemonade stands running, kids!
5. Barack Obama says he’ll reject public campaign funding, despite an earlier pledge. When asked why he changed his mind, reporters couldn’t hear Obama’s answer, because his mouth was blocked by piles of privately donated money.
2. A woman who gave birth to sextuplets last year recently ran a marathon. But the babies still caught up with her. She said that as soon as the babies fell asleep, she’d throw her running shoes on and head out the door. Is this the sort of quote you want to read about your mother? “Oh man, as soon as my kids were asleep, bam! I was gone!”
3. In Australia, some politicians are upset about a British chef who swears a lot during his TV show. He apparently used phrases with the f-word nearly 80 times in 40 minutes. You know, like “fresh vegetables” and “fresh fruit”. Politicians are horrified at the thought of millions of Australian children asking their mothers: “Why aren’t those vegetables coming out of a can?” Executives of the show said that the swear words were okay, because they were sometimes used in praise. Well that’s a fucking good idea! Did that still get bleeped? “Yeah, go ahead and use those words, son, but only if you use them positively.” However, they did admit that the use of an even more offensive word was unacceptable, and they wouldn’t broadcast it again. That word of course was “Emeril”.
4. Some estimate that Barack Obama could raise as much as $200 to $300 million from private sources, especially since school is out for the summer. Get those lemonade stands running, kids!
5. Barack Obama says he’ll reject public campaign funding, despite an earlier pledge. When asked why he changed his mind, reporters couldn’t hear Obama’s answer, because his mouth was blocked by piles of privately donated money.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
6/18
1. Summer scarves are becoming popular with women, because with more of them wearing flip-flops, they aren’t meeting their general quota of insanely uncomfortable clothing.
2. President Bush wants to end a ban on offshore oil-drilling. He has to think about where his retirement checks are going to come from, because I don’t think he’s going to be getting many speaking gigs.
3. In South Africa, local Chinese are trying to get the government to officially classify them as ‘black’, because under current laws, they’re considered ‘white’. I don’t know, how about classifying them as ‘Chinese’?
4. A man in Indiana robbed a kid’s lemonade stand, but one of the 12-year-old girls running the stand chased him to his home and called the police. The man couldn‘t move very fast, because 90% of the money was in quarters. The lemonade stand turned out to be the local Obama fund-raising headquarters. The robber was just a McCain fan trying to even the field.
5. A Swiss TV station is in hot water, because they played an old national anthem associated with the Nazis during a German soccer match. The mistake is understandable, though. Can we hear the old anthem? [Play the opening theme music to “Sex and the City”.] In his free time, Hitler was all about labels and love.
2. President Bush wants to end a ban on offshore oil-drilling. He has to think about where his retirement checks are going to come from, because I don’t think he’s going to be getting many speaking gigs.
3. In South Africa, local Chinese are trying to get the government to officially classify them as ‘black’, because under current laws, they’re considered ‘white’. I don’t know, how about classifying them as ‘Chinese’?
4. A man in Indiana robbed a kid’s lemonade stand, but one of the 12-year-old girls running the stand chased him to his home and called the police. The man couldn‘t move very fast, because 90% of the money was in quarters. The lemonade stand turned out to be the local Obama fund-raising headquarters. The robber was just a McCain fan trying to even the field.
5. A Swiss TV station is in hot water, because they played an old national anthem associated with the Nazis during a German soccer match. The mistake is understandable, though. Can we hear the old anthem? [Play the opening theme music to “Sex and the City”.] In his free time, Hitler was all about labels and love.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
6/17
1. In Romania, a village has elected a dead man as mayor. Not metaphorically dead, like Hillary Clinton, but really actually dead. I guess he was just really stiff competition.
2. Israel and Hamas have agreed to a truce. It’s supposed to start at 6AM on Thursday, so if you have to wake up at 5:45AM that day, don’t worry about setting the alarm. It’s going to be like an extremely literal blowout sale. Everything must be exploded now!
3. In other Middle East news, Israeli police surprisingly arrested some Israeli settlers who beat Palestinian shepherds with clubs. Israeli police enforcing the law against Israeli settlers in the West Bank? Is this a sign that the Palestinians are going to start being treated fairly? Oh, how naïve. No, the only reason is because this time the Palestinians filmed the beating. Funny how video footage changes things. Plus, this doesn’t say much for intelligence of the settlers. Why didn’t they break the camera? These are obviously not people thinking rationally.
4. The National Spelling Bee champion was crowned today. The winning word was ‘guerdon’, as in: “I’ve been guerdon this prisoner all day.”
5. So the internet browser Firefox is trying to set the world record for the most downloads in 24 hours. In the announcement, a spokesman for the company said: “There is actually no record for the greatest amount of software downloaded in one day.” Well, thanks for ruining the suspense. I think your chances for setting the record are pretty good then. Right now, I’m going to set the record for most times saying the word ‘bakaloo’ in a row. Bakaloo, bakaloo, bakaloo, bakaloo. Take that, Guinness people!
2. Israel and Hamas have agreed to a truce. It’s supposed to start at 6AM on Thursday, so if you have to wake up at 5:45AM that day, don’t worry about setting the alarm. It’s going to be like an extremely literal blowout sale. Everything must be exploded now!
3. In other Middle East news, Israeli police surprisingly arrested some Israeli settlers who beat Palestinian shepherds with clubs. Israeli police enforcing the law against Israeli settlers in the West Bank? Is this a sign that the Palestinians are going to start being treated fairly? Oh, how naïve. No, the only reason is because this time the Palestinians filmed the beating. Funny how video footage changes things. Plus, this doesn’t say much for intelligence of the settlers. Why didn’t they break the camera? These are obviously not people thinking rationally.
4. The National Spelling Bee champion was crowned today. The winning word was ‘guerdon’, as in: “I’ve been guerdon this prisoner all day.”
5. So the internet browser Firefox is trying to set the world record for the most downloads in 24 hours. In the announcement, a spokesman for the company said: “There is actually no record for the greatest amount of software downloaded in one day.” Well, thanks for ruining the suspense. I think your chances for setting the record are pretty good then. Right now, I’m going to set the record for most times saying the word ‘bakaloo’ in a row. Bakaloo, bakaloo, bakaloo, bakaloo. Take that, Guinness people!
Monday, June 16, 2008
6/16
1. So this weekend, the UN handed control of Kosovo over to its citizens. They inaugurated their new flag too. Yeahhhh, no one is ever going to forget what Kosovo looks like. Man, couldn’t they have put some weird little antenna enclave sticking out somewhere? This is like Wyoming putting its outline on its flag. “We are proud to be a rectangle!” You know, Kosovo kind of looks like Texas. Except, of course, Texas has a lot more guns.
2. So Leona Helmsley’s dog isn’t going to get $12 million like Helmsley wanted. A judge ruled that instead, the dog would only get… $2 million. Oh man, what a let down! I hear the dog was so upset, it licked it’s genitals five minutes more than usual.
3. In this week’s “Completely Unsurprising Event That Will Get Lots of Media Coverage”, Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. This should win Obama that crucial group of voters who are influenced by Al Gore, but were thinking of not voting for Obama. Basically, its the manatee vote, because although manatees are against global warming, they tend to be racists (show image of manatee with Nazi regalia).
4. A man in Italy might go to prison for interrupting 20,000 TV broadcasts to promote condom use. Italy, by the way, has one of the lowest birth rates in the Western world, so he’s obviously having an impact. The court found that anyone who deliberately gets on TV can commit an offence. Proceedings against most of the cast of “American Gladiators” have already started.
5. Gas in California is so expensive that some people are crossing the border into Mexico to fill up their tanks. When I was a kid, the only time people got Mexican gas was from eating burritos.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
6/14
1. A new study says that wearing flip-flops can be bad for your health. Especially if you’re walking through the South Bronx. “Get that guy! He can’t run!”
2. Yesterday, a girl in Michigan got hit by lightning but had no serious injuries. So the doctors told her she should buy a lottery ticket. She did and won $20! Which will pay for about, oh, five seconds of her trip to the hospital. What a lucky girl!
3. A 16-year-old in California named Zac Sunderland is going to try to be the youngest person to sail around the world - alone! You know, my mom wouldn’t even let me stay up past midnight when I was 16. His friends’ parents probably hate his parents. (whiny voice) “Why can’t I go to the party? Zac’s parents let him sail around the world alone!”
4. Scuba divers have just found the only fully-intact British warship in the Great Lakes. It is the first British warship found in American waters since a Florida vacation by Heather Mills.
5. President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has pledged that “lackeys” will never run Zimbabwe. Then he arrested everyone who didn’t agree with him.
2. Yesterday, a girl in Michigan got hit by lightning but had no serious injuries. So the doctors told her she should buy a lottery ticket. She did and won $20! Which will pay for about, oh, five seconds of her trip to the hospital. What a lucky girl!
3. A 16-year-old in California named Zac Sunderland is going to try to be the youngest person to sail around the world - alone! You know, my mom wouldn’t even let me stay up past midnight when I was 16. His friends’ parents probably hate his parents. (whiny voice) “Why can’t I go to the party? Zac’s parents let him sail around the world alone!”
4. Scuba divers have just found the only fully-intact British warship in the Great Lakes. It is the first British warship found in American waters since a Florida vacation by Heather Mills.
5. President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has pledged that “lackeys” will never run Zimbabwe. Then he arrested everyone who didn’t agree with him.
Friday, June 13, 2008
6/13
1. A Belgian beer company is trying to buy Budweiser, but Budweiser is resisting, because the Belgians might make them start selling actual beer.
2. A court in Chicago has acquitted R. Kelly of all child pornography charges. That damn legal system -- always getting in the way of hard-working comedians trying to make jokes!
3. Experts say that people who become addicted to cell phones turn irritable, withdrawn, and antisocial. Then what are they doing on their phones? Maybe that’s why they’re on the phone all the time -- they keep running out of people they haven’t ticked off. And if they’re not talking to anyone on the phones, I think that’s a different problem called ‘schizophrenia’.
4. The Egyptian government has banned a 92-year-old foreign man from marrying a 17-year-old girl, because it’s worried about the trafficking of women. However, the government will approve the marriage if the man deposits a very large sum of money. But isn’t paying a massive sum of money to take a young girl out of the country called… ‘trafficking’?
5. Scientists have developed a new material that can deflect sound waves, so that the person surrounded by it won’t hear things nearby. There’s already been a lot of interest from people who have to work during President Bush’s speeches.
2. A court in Chicago has acquitted R. Kelly of all child pornography charges. That damn legal system -- always getting in the way of hard-working comedians trying to make jokes!
3. Experts say that people who become addicted to cell phones turn irritable, withdrawn, and antisocial. Then what are they doing on their phones? Maybe that’s why they’re on the phone all the time -- they keep running out of people they haven’t ticked off. And if they’re not talking to anyone on the phones, I think that’s a different problem called ‘schizophrenia’.
4. The Egyptian government has banned a 92-year-old foreign man from marrying a 17-year-old girl, because it’s worried about the trafficking of women. However, the government will approve the marriage if the man deposits a very large sum of money. But isn’t paying a massive sum of money to take a young girl out of the country called… ‘trafficking’?
5. Scientists have developed a new material that can deflect sound waves, so that the person surrounded by it won’t hear things nearby. There’s already been a lot of interest from people who have to work during President Bush’s speeches.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Several American internet firms have now agreed to block websites with child porn. There was an immediate outcry, though, when no one could get to the website for “Vanity Fair”.
A team of scientists now says that a new universe could begin right inside this room, and we’d never know. Some people think that’s what happened inside Hillary Clinton’s head.
Scientists have now developed a patch for your arm that will keep you from getting diarrhea. They’re promoting them by including one with every meal from Taco Bell.
Hillary Clinton has now officially conceded the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama. In similar news, the New England Patriots have finally conceded the Super Bowl.
Barack Obama says that he will not be rushed into choosing a vice president. Well, you’ve only got until the convention in August. I think the primary season has warped his head a little. “We’ve got forever to do this!”
Many Congressmen are trying to pass a bill that would extend unemployment insurance, because if things keep going the way they are, a lot of Congressmen are going to need it.
Apparently, more than 4,000 babies in China have been given the name “Olympic Games”. Yeah, that seems cool now, but just ask all those middle-aged Chinese named “Death to Capitalism”.
Scientists now say that bright lights can help slow the progress of dementia. Is that why McCain says he’ll put more skylights in the White House?
A record number of Australian women are working on ranches. One manager said the women do better with cattle than men, because “the hormones aren’t playing up with them.” Hmm, I don’t think you’re doing much to dispel rumors about the sexual practices of Australian ranch hands.
In Colorado, police have caught some robbers who wore women’s thongs on their faces. And apparently, the thongs were originally stolen from Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi. Do robbers just wear whatever underwear is in style on their heads? Is this why they’re not using panty hose anymore? Did robbers from the 1500s use chastity belts? Those were probably great for sword fights. Maybe that’s how the helmet was invented.
Police in Pennsylvania had to cut open a port-a-potty to rescue a man who got trapped inside naked. The police said he was drunk. Really? That’s a surprise. I don’t even like going in those things with a haz-mat suit on, let alone naked. Maybe he thought it was like a little sauna. It’s hot, there’s water, you sit down.
Today, the king of Nepal left the palace that his family has lived in for more than a century. Wow, it’s really getting bad with these subprime loans, huh?
A team of scientists now says that a new universe could begin right inside this room, and we’d never know. Some people think that’s what happened inside Hillary Clinton’s head.
Scientists have now developed a patch for your arm that will keep you from getting diarrhea. They’re promoting them by including one with every meal from Taco Bell.
Hillary Clinton has now officially conceded the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama. In similar news, the New England Patriots have finally conceded the Super Bowl.
Barack Obama says that he will not be rushed into choosing a vice president. Well, you’ve only got until the convention in August. I think the primary season has warped his head a little. “We’ve got forever to do this!”
Many Congressmen are trying to pass a bill that would extend unemployment insurance, because if things keep going the way they are, a lot of Congressmen are going to need it.
Apparently, more than 4,000 babies in China have been given the name “Olympic Games”. Yeah, that seems cool now, but just ask all those middle-aged Chinese named “Death to Capitalism”.
Scientists now say that bright lights can help slow the progress of dementia. Is that why McCain says he’ll put more skylights in the White House?
A record number of Australian women are working on ranches. One manager said the women do better with cattle than men, because “the hormones aren’t playing up with them.” Hmm, I don’t think you’re doing much to dispel rumors about the sexual practices of Australian ranch hands.
In Colorado, police have caught some robbers who wore women’s thongs on their faces. And apparently, the thongs were originally stolen from Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi. Do robbers just wear whatever underwear is in style on their heads? Is this why they’re not using panty hose anymore? Did robbers from the 1500s use chastity belts? Those were probably great for sword fights. Maybe that’s how the helmet was invented.
Police in Pennsylvania had to cut open a port-a-potty to rescue a man who got trapped inside naked. The police said he was drunk. Really? That’s a surprise. I don’t even like going in those things with a haz-mat suit on, let alone naked. Maybe he thought it was like a little sauna. It’s hot, there’s water, you sit down.
Today, the king of Nepal left the palace that his family has lived in for more than a century. Wow, it’s really getting bad with these subprime loans, huh?
6/12
1. The Supreme Court just ruled that prisoners at Guantanamo Bay can challenge their detentions in civilian courts. President Bush has said that although he disagrees with the ruling, he will abide by it. Well, that’s nice. I think there’s a word for if he didn’t, what is that again, oh yeah, a ‘coup’. How are they going to find a jury of their peers? [TV commercial announcer voice] “Do you speak English? Do you hate America? We need you for jury duty!” I’m worried this is going to be Bush’s justification for invading Pakistan. “We need to find a jury of their peers! This is where their peers are!” Apparently one of the people who urged the Supreme Court not to do it - OJ Simpson. “Hey, I know how reliable the civilian courts are!” Also, all the defendants want to be sentenced to death, so they can become martyrs. This might be the first time Bush has tried to get someone not sentenced to death. “Let’s have the trial in one of those commie states, like Massachusetts.” And perhaps for the first time in history, people on trial for murder are thinking: “Oh please, let the trial be in Texas.”
2. The IAU, the International Astronomical Union, has given a new name to objects in space like Pluto instead of ‘planets’: ‘plutoids’. However, a former NASA space sciences chief said, and this is true: “Plutoids or hemorrhoids, whatever they call it. This is irrelevant.” Wow. Prompting the following reply from the IAU, and I quote: “Yeah, and your mother.”
3. Scientists have now developed a patch for your arm that will keep you from getting diarrhea. They’re promoting them by including one with every meal from Taco Bell.
4. Many Congressmen urged their fellow politicians to support a bill that would extend unemployment insurance, because if things keep going the way they are, a lot of Congressmen are going to need it.
5. The trial of a man accused of distributing obscene videos was put on pause, and possibly rewind, because the judge apparently has sexually explicit material on his own personal website. In his defense, the judge said that he didn’t know the material was open to the public, called it “funny”, and then blamed his son for putting a lot of it on there. The defense team for the accused was taking notes. “Yeah! That’s what our client was doing too!” He also said that the site was for private family use. You’re not helping your case here, man.
2. The IAU, the International Astronomical Union, has given a new name to objects in space like Pluto instead of ‘planets’: ‘plutoids’. However, a former NASA space sciences chief said, and this is true: “Plutoids or hemorrhoids, whatever they call it. This is irrelevant.” Wow. Prompting the following reply from the IAU, and I quote: “Yeah, and your mother.”
3. Scientists have now developed a patch for your arm that will keep you from getting diarrhea. They’re promoting them by including one with every meal from Taco Bell.
4. Many Congressmen urged their fellow politicians to support a bill that would extend unemployment insurance, because if things keep going the way they are, a lot of Congressmen are going to need it.
5. The trial of a man accused of distributing obscene videos was put on pause, and possibly rewind, because the judge apparently has sexually explicit material on his own personal website. In his defense, the judge said that he didn’t know the material was open to the public, called it “funny”, and then blamed his son for putting a lot of it on there. The defense team for the accused was taking notes. “Yeah! That’s what our client was doing too!” He also said that the site was for private family use. You’re not helping your case here, man.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
6/11
1. Today, the king of Nepal left the palace that his family has lived in for more than a century. Wow, it’s really getting bad with these subprime loans, huh?
2. Barack Obama says that he would be the best person to run the economy, because John McCain’s tax plan would add $4.5 trillion to the national debt, while Obama’s tax plan would only add $3.3 trillion. That’s like your Uncle Joey saying he should drive the kids home instead of Uncle Bob, because “Bob’s got 40 drunk driving arrests, but I’ve only got 30!”
3. Tiger Woods is expected to have a tough time at the U.S. Open this week, because he’s recovering from knee surgery. In fact, he’s only expected to win by ten strokes. He got the knee injury when he was tackled by an ad executive. “Please do a commercial for our grape juice!”
4. Apparently, more than 4,000 babies in China have been given the name “Olympic Games”. Yeah, that seems cool now, but just ask all those middle-aged Chinese named “Death to Capitalism”.
5. The old cartoon characters the Smurfs are going to be in a new movie. The little blue creatures who live in the woods were originally modeled after Best Buy employees who got lost during a morale-building exercise.
2. Barack Obama says that he would be the best person to run the economy, because John McCain’s tax plan would add $4.5 trillion to the national debt, while Obama’s tax plan would only add $3.3 trillion. That’s like your Uncle Joey saying he should drive the kids home instead of Uncle Bob, because “Bob’s got 40 drunk driving arrests, but I’ve only got 30!”
3. Tiger Woods is expected to have a tough time at the U.S. Open this week, because he’s recovering from knee surgery. In fact, he’s only expected to win by ten strokes. He got the knee injury when he was tackled by an ad executive. “Please do a commercial for our grape juice!”
4. Apparently, more than 4,000 babies in China have been given the name “Olympic Games”. Yeah, that seems cool now, but just ask all those middle-aged Chinese named “Death to Capitalism”.
5. The old cartoon characters the Smurfs are going to be in a new movie. The little blue creatures who live in the woods were originally modeled after Best Buy employees who got lost during a morale-building exercise.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
6/10
1. Several American internet firms have now agreed to block websites with child porn. There was an immediate outcry, though, when no one could get to the website for “Vanity Fair”.
2. Scientists now say that bright lights can help slow the progress of dementia. Is that why McCain says he’ll put more skylights in the White House?
3. In the Vietnam, there is a huge Boeing 727 jet sitting in an airport and no one knows who the owner is. The airline is supposedly called Air Dream. Appropriate, huh? Air Dream - that sounds like it might be the name of some airlines here in the U.S. soon. And this is true - airport officials think the owners just don’t want to pay the plane parking fees. Wow, people who own planes do that too? I thought it was just my Cousin Jimmy and his Chevy. That thing’s been at the impound yard for years.
4. The science station in Antarctica just received a shipment of 16,500 condoms. And man, are the penguins there relieved! They used to be the only way to have safe sex. Those little tuxedos were just too cute to resist.
5. Smoking has now been linked to loss of hearing, and another study says that smoking in middle age leads to worse memory. Or maybe they’re just not hearing what people are saying.
2. Scientists now say that bright lights can help slow the progress of dementia. Is that why McCain says he’ll put more skylights in the White House?
3. In the Vietnam, there is a huge Boeing 727 jet sitting in an airport and no one knows who the owner is. The airline is supposedly called Air Dream. Appropriate, huh? Air Dream - that sounds like it might be the name of some airlines here in the U.S. soon. And this is true - airport officials think the owners just don’t want to pay the plane parking fees. Wow, people who own planes do that too? I thought it was just my Cousin Jimmy and his Chevy. That thing’s been at the impound yard for years.
4. The science station in Antarctica just received a shipment of 16,500 condoms. And man, are the penguins there relieved! They used to be the only way to have safe sex. Those little tuxedos were just too cute to resist.
5. Smoking has now been linked to loss of hearing, and another study says that smoking in middle age leads to worse memory. Or maybe they’re just not hearing what people are saying.
Monday, June 9, 2008
6/9
1. There are signs that Apple will unveil its new iPhone at a conference today. Some of the signs include a lack of availability of current iPhone models, and yesterday, Steve Jobs sacrificed 30 virgins. That was actually a big hit to their workforce, killing all those programmers.
2. A record number of Australian women are working on ranches. One manager said the women do better with cattle than men, because “the hormones aren’t playing up with them.” Hmm, I don’t think you’re doing much to dispel rumors about the sexual practices of Australian ranch hands.
3. A new report says that the legal system in Great Britain is “demonizing children”. That may seem like overkill, until you get a look at what they’re talking about. [Show Photoshopped image of London full of little kids with horns and forked tails.] You know, I’ve worked at some birthday parties that looked like that.
4. A nature documentary team has put together the best footage yet of pandas mating in the wild. After their reputation at zoos, I would have thought they bred asexually. Just squeezed off a little panda out of their ribs or something.
5. President Bush is now on his final trip to Europe. And we don’t mean just as president. “Good-bye, you ingrates!” Finally, he never has to leave the country again! Whew! He’s probably been waiting for this so long.
2. A record number of Australian women are working on ranches. One manager said the women do better with cattle than men, because “the hormones aren’t playing up with them.” Hmm, I don’t think you’re doing much to dispel rumors about the sexual practices of Australian ranch hands.
3. A new report says that the legal system in Great Britain is “demonizing children”. That may seem like overkill, until you get a look at what they’re talking about. [Show Photoshopped image of London full of little kids with horns and forked tails.] You know, I’ve worked at some birthday parties that looked like that.
4. A nature documentary team has put together the best footage yet of pandas mating in the wild. After their reputation at zoos, I would have thought they bred asexually. Just squeezed off a little panda out of their ribs or something.
5. President Bush is now on his final trip to Europe. And we don’t mean just as president. “Good-bye, you ingrates!” Finally, he never has to leave the country again! Whew! He’s probably been waiting for this so long.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
6/7
1. In Colorado, police have caught some robbers who wore women’s thongs on their faces. And apparently, the thongs were originally stolen from Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi. Do robbers just wear whatever underwear is in style on their heads? Is this why they’re not using panty hose anymore? Did robbers from the 1500s use chastity belts? Those were probably great for sword fights. Maybe that’s how the helmet was invented.
2. Hillary Clinton has now officially conceded the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama. In similar news, the New England Patriots have finally conceded the Super Bowl.
3. Police in Pennsylvania had to cut open a port-a-potty to rescue a man who got trapped inside naked. The police said he was drunk. Really? That’s a surprise. I don’t even like going in those things with a haz-mat suit on, let alone naked. Maybe he thought it was like a little sauna. It’s hot, there’s water, you sit down.
4. Barack Obama says that he will not be rushed into choosing a vice president. Well, you’ve only got until the convention in August. I think the primary season has warped his head a little. “We’ve got forever to do this!”
5. So the Senate voted to not vote on a bill to deal with global warming. I love that the Senate can have a vote to not vote. They are so decisive about being indecisive. “We are not going to make a decision! And that is final! We have made our decision!”
2. Hillary Clinton has now officially conceded the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama. In similar news, the New England Patriots have finally conceded the Super Bowl.
3. Police in Pennsylvania had to cut open a port-a-potty to rescue a man who got trapped inside naked. The police said he was drunk. Really? That’s a surprise. I don’t even like going in those things with a haz-mat suit on, let alone naked. Maybe he thought it was like a little sauna. It’s hot, there’s water, you sit down.
4. Barack Obama says that he will not be rushed into choosing a vice president. Well, you’ve only got until the convention in August. I think the primary season has warped his head a little. “We’ve got forever to do this!”
5. So the Senate voted to not vote on a bill to deal with global warming. I love that the Senate can have a vote to not vote. They are so decisive about being indecisive. “We are not going to make a decision! And that is final! We have made our decision!”
Friday, June 6, 2008
6/6
1. A team of scientists now says that a new universe could begin right inside this room, and we’d never know. Some people think that’s what happened inside Hillary Clinton’s head.
2. The government now says that people who use too much of a certain brand of foot cream run a higher risk of cancer. [From backstage comes a yell of “Oh my god!” The camera moves there, where one of the crew is submerged up to his neck in cream. He‘s still holding a rope and clipboard to show that he‘s working.] Sorry, Jeff!
3. In India, a court ruled that the national airline was justified in firing flight attendants who got too overweight. The airline said it was a safety issue, because if there was a crash, the passengers might try to eat them.
4. The world’s oldest elementary school pupil has had to stop his studies. He was 84 years old in Kenya, and the Red Cross took him away because of violent ethnic battles. So if your kids complain about a spelling test, man, have you got something to tell them now.
5. The ancient Peruvian city of Machu Picchu is now believed to have been discovered 40 years earlier than previously thought, by a guy who then looted the place. That’s how I felt when people discovered my favorite diner.
2. The government now says that people who use too much of a certain brand of foot cream run a higher risk of cancer. [From backstage comes a yell of “Oh my god!” The camera moves there, where one of the crew is submerged up to his neck in cream. He‘s still holding a rope and clipboard to show that he‘s working.] Sorry, Jeff!
3. In India, a court ruled that the national airline was justified in firing flight attendants who got too overweight. The airline said it was a safety issue, because if there was a crash, the passengers might try to eat them.
4. The world’s oldest elementary school pupil has had to stop his studies. He was 84 years old in Kenya, and the Red Cross took him away because of violent ethnic battles. So if your kids complain about a spelling test, man, have you got something to tell them now.
5. The ancient Peruvian city of Machu Picchu is now believed to have been discovered 40 years earlier than previously thought, by a guy who then looted the place. That’s how I felt when people discovered my favorite diner.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
One of the world’s most isolated tribes was photographed for the first time on the border between Brazil and Peru. I’ll give you an idea of how isolated they are -- they still think Hillary has a shot at the nomination.
Yesterday, Condoleezza Rice was in Sweden and had a meeting with the heavy metal band Kiss (true). The band gave t-shirts to Rice’s staff, and following his usual tradition, Gene Simmons took Rice’s virginity.
French president Nicolas Sarkozy met his wife Carla Bruni on a blind date. But can celebrities really have blind dates? “So what does he do?” “He’s running for president.” “Okay…. but is he cute? Is he a people person?” “Well, he called rioters ‘animals’ once.”
Brazil recently hosted the world’s largest gay pride demonstration, with three million participants. Not surprising, actually. Do you really think a straight guy came up with Carnival?
Scientists have been tracking how thousands of people move through society by noting where they make cell phone calls. The results seem to show most people spend 90% of their time sitting next to me.
Governor Schwarzenegger has declared that the state of California is officially in a drought. So he’s asked all the pregnant women to leave, because they retain too much water.
So people are saying about Hillary Clinton, “What now?” Well, I don’t know, how about, oh, being SENATOR OF NEW YORK! New Yorkers might be happy with that.
Actress Tatum O’Neal says that the death of her dog led her to take drugs. Really? I don’t remember that when my dog died. “Well, son, this is part of life. Now let’s go smoke some crack. It’ll make you feel better. Then it will screw you up for the rest of your life. Which is how I ended up killing the dog. It‘s the great circle of life. Checkers will decompose, and the rich soil he makes will flow into the ocean. Some will drift down to Colombia, where it will fertilize coca fields that lead people to accidentally kill their pets. It‘s sort of like a druggier Lion King.”
The Nigerian government is bragging that it just seized 80 tons of drugs, but Great Britain is fighting hard to get them to release Amy Winehouse. And that’s just what they found in her body. They haven’t even searched her luggage yet.
A Japanese aid flight to Chinese earthquake victims was cancelled, because local Chinese are still angry about World War II. First, something needs to be done to make average Chinese more friendly towards the Japanese -- like maybe, I don’t know, BRINGING AID TO EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS?
Hillary Clinton says she might be open to being Barack Obama’s vice-presidential candidate. This reminds me of a movie scene…
Yesterday, Condoleezza Rice was in Sweden and had a meeting with the heavy metal band Kiss (true). The band gave t-shirts to Rice’s staff, and following his usual tradition, Gene Simmons took Rice’s virginity.
French president Nicolas Sarkozy met his wife Carla Bruni on a blind date. But can celebrities really have blind dates? “So what does he do?” “He’s running for president.” “Okay…. but is he cute? Is he a people person?” “Well, he called rioters ‘animals’ once.”
Brazil recently hosted the world’s largest gay pride demonstration, with three million participants. Not surprising, actually. Do you really think a straight guy came up with Carnival?
Scientists have been tracking how thousands of people move through society by noting where they make cell phone calls. The results seem to show most people spend 90% of their time sitting next to me.
Governor Schwarzenegger has declared that the state of California is officially in a drought. So he’s asked all the pregnant women to leave, because they retain too much water.
So people are saying about Hillary Clinton, “What now?” Well, I don’t know, how about, oh, being SENATOR OF NEW YORK! New Yorkers might be happy with that.
Actress Tatum O’Neal says that the death of her dog led her to take drugs. Really? I don’t remember that when my dog died. “Well, son, this is part of life. Now let’s go smoke some crack. It’ll make you feel better. Then it will screw you up for the rest of your life. Which is how I ended up killing the dog. It‘s the great circle of life. Checkers will decompose, and the rich soil he makes will flow into the ocean. Some will drift down to Colombia, where it will fertilize coca fields that lead people to accidentally kill their pets. It‘s sort of like a druggier Lion King.”
The Nigerian government is bragging that it just seized 80 tons of drugs, but Great Britain is fighting hard to get them to release Amy Winehouse. And that’s just what they found in her body. They haven’t even searched her luggage yet.
A Japanese aid flight to Chinese earthquake victims was cancelled, because local Chinese are still angry about World War II. First, something needs to be done to make average Chinese more friendly towards the Japanese -- like maybe, I don’t know, BRINGING AID TO EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS?
Hillary Clinton says she might be open to being Barack Obama’s vice-presidential candidate. This reminds me of a movie scene…
6/5
1. The Chinese government has introduced an official cheer. [Show actual version released by China with drawings and speak while it’s on the screen.] Two claps, two thumbs up, two claps, then two fists in the air. This is a little different from the original version that was proposed. Can we see that? [Show version with two claps, then the thumbs up modified to show index fingers extended too, two claps, then two open hands in the air.] You see, it was two claps, then two guns pointed out sort of John Woo style, then two claps, then hands in the air. “Don’t shoot!” The government is going to train 800,000 students to do the cheer. Man, in the United States, you can’t even get a single classroom of 30 to do something together. The president of the Beijing Etiquette Institute said that the cheer was in line with general international principles for cheering, while also having very Chinese characteristics. I didn’t know there were international principles for cheering. I thought it was just kind of grunt and fist-pump.
2. The Queen of England was recently greeted by a gurning champion. Gurning is a British tradition in which guys put their head through a horse bridle and... well, maybe you need to see it. [Show news clip, which is funny in and of itself.] So this is how the British spend their free time. No wonder they move to New York as soon as they have enough money. There was some confusion over whether he was imitating the Queen.
3. French president Nicolas Sarkozy met his wife Carla Bruni on a blind date. But can celebrities really have blind dates? “So what does he do?” “He’s running for president.” “Okay…. but is he cute? Is he a people person?” “Well, he called rioters ‘animals’ once.”
4. Brazil recently hosted the world’s largest gay pride demonstration, with three million participants. Not surprising, actually. Do you really think a straight guy [Show picture of elaborately-costumed Carnival dancers.] came up with Carnival?
5. Recently, a couple in India discovered that they’d been officially divorced for ten years without knowing it, because of some sneaky forgery by the husband’s brother. My brother asked me: “Now why can’t you be more like that?”
2. The Queen of England was recently greeted by a gurning champion. Gurning is a British tradition in which guys put their head through a horse bridle and... well, maybe you need to see it. [Show news clip, which is funny in and of itself.] So this is how the British spend their free time. No wonder they move to New York as soon as they have enough money. There was some confusion over whether he was imitating the Queen.
3. French president Nicolas Sarkozy met his wife Carla Bruni on a blind date. But can celebrities really have blind dates? “So what does he do?” “He’s running for president.” “Okay…. but is he cute? Is he a people person?” “Well, he called rioters ‘animals’ once.”
4. Brazil recently hosted the world’s largest gay pride demonstration, with three million participants. Not surprising, actually. Do you really think a straight guy [Show picture of elaborately-costumed Carnival dancers.] came up with Carnival?
5. Recently, a couple in India discovered that they’d been officially divorced for ten years without knowing it, because of some sneaky forgery by the husband’s brother. My brother asked me: “Now why can’t you be more like that?”
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
6/4
1. Scientists have been tracking how thousands of people move through society by noting where they make cell phone calls. The results seem to show most people spend 90% of their time sitting next to me.
2. Governor Schwarzenegger has declared that the state of California is officially in a drought. So he’s asked all the pregnant women to leave, because they retain too much water.
3. Ed McMahon is now facing foreclosure on his Beverly Hills home. It looks like he could do with a visit from Ed McMahon. They’re taking the “clearinghouse” part of Publisher’s Clearinghouse a little too seriously. [sing like the Publisher’s Clearinghouse jingle] “The house where nightmares come true.”
4. So people are saying about Hillary Clinton, “What now?” Well, I don’t know, how about, oh, being SENATOR OF NEW YORK! New Yorkers might be happy with that.
5. Starbucks is finally going to offer free internet, which is helpful, because most people who pay for coffee at Starbucks every day usually can’t afford internet at home.
2. Governor Schwarzenegger has declared that the state of California is officially in a drought. So he’s asked all the pregnant women to leave, because they retain too much water.
3. Ed McMahon is now facing foreclosure on his Beverly Hills home. It looks like he could do with a visit from Ed McMahon. They’re taking the “clearinghouse” part of Publisher’s Clearinghouse a little too seriously. [sing like the Publisher’s Clearinghouse jingle] “The house where nightmares come true.”
4. So people are saying about Hillary Clinton, “What now?” Well, I don’t know, how about, oh, being SENATOR OF NEW YORK! New Yorkers might be happy with that.
5. Starbucks is finally going to offer free internet, which is helpful, because most people who pay for coffee at Starbucks every day usually can’t afford internet at home.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
6/3
1. Actress Tatum O’Neal says that the death of her dog led her to take drugs. Really? I don’t remember that when my dog died. “Well, son, this is part of life. Now let’s go smoke some crack. It’ll make you feel better. Then it will screw you up for the rest of your life. Which is how I ended up killing the dog. It‘s the great circle of life. Checkers will decompose, and the rich soil he makes will flow into the ocean. Some will drift down to Colombia, where it will fertilize coca fields that lead people to accidentally kill their pets. It‘s sort of like a druggier Lion King.”
2. Hillary Clinton says she might be open to being Barack Obama’s vice-presidential candidate. This reminds me of a movie scene…
3. Brigitte Bardot was convicted of inciting racial hatred for writing a letter critical of the way Muslims treat animals during some of their ceremonies. This is also what prompted her letter to the mayor of New York for the treatment of tourists watching the ball drop in Times Square. Trapped in an enclosed space for 24 hours with no access to food? No wonder they’re so happy when the ball finally drops. “Yay! We can go home now!”
4. A British man won a lawsuit after his travel agent arranged a trip and the place ended up being full of Germans. The agent said that the man should have known that might happen with a trip to Berlin.
5. A local government in India plans to build a liberty statue to rival New York’s Statue of Liberty. Then they’re going to give it to Australia. Then, a hundred years from now, they’re going to be enemies with Australia and wonder why they ever gave the statue.
2. Hillary Clinton says she might be open to being Barack Obama’s vice-presidential candidate. This reminds me of a movie scene…
3. Brigitte Bardot was convicted of inciting racial hatred for writing a letter critical of the way Muslims treat animals during some of their ceremonies. This is also what prompted her letter to the mayor of New York for the treatment of tourists watching the ball drop in Times Square. Trapped in an enclosed space for 24 hours with no access to food? No wonder they’re so happy when the ball finally drops. “Yay! We can go home now!”
4. A British man won a lawsuit after his travel agent arranged a trip and the place ended up being full of Germans. The agent said that the man should have known that might happen with a trip to Berlin.
5. A local government in India plans to build a liberty statue to rival New York’s Statue of Liberty. Then they’re going to give it to Australia. Then, a hundred years from now, they’re going to be enemies with Australia and wonder why they ever gave the statue.
Monday, June 2, 2008
6/2
1. Friends and family gathered this week to let us all know that none of us ever really knew Diddley.
2. The Nigerian government is bragging that it just seized 80 tons of drugs, but Great Britain is fighting hard to get them to release Amy Winehouse. And that’s just what they found in her body. They haven’t even searched her luggage yet.
3. The UN has voted to allow any country’s navy to invade the waters of Somalia to find pirates if necessary. They also allowed them to find pirates, which is why all those boats were docked near Wall Street. Oh, was that Fleet Week?
4. There was a big story in Indiana about a plane full of skydivers that had to crash land. All the skydivers jumped to safety. Now, maybe I’m a little dense here, but why is this a story? That’s like “Boat Full of Olympic Swimmers Sinks” and everyone survives. “Clinton Campaign Bus Loses Engine” and Hillary gets out and pushes it, even though it’s completely dead.
5. Maybe the reason that Bush has a problem with global warming is that he is committed to leading the world in everything, and in global warming, we are far behind, so the only way we can lead is in the wrong direction.
2. The Nigerian government is bragging that it just seized 80 tons of drugs, but Great Britain is fighting hard to get them to release Amy Winehouse. And that’s just what they found in her body. They haven’t even searched her luggage yet.
3. The UN has voted to allow any country’s navy to invade the waters of Somalia to find pirates if necessary. They also allowed them to find pirates, which is why all those boats were docked near Wall Street. Oh, was that Fleet Week?
4. There was a big story in Indiana about a plane full of skydivers that had to crash land. All the skydivers jumped to safety. Now, maybe I’m a little dense here, but why is this a story? That’s like “Boat Full of Olympic Swimmers Sinks” and everyone survives. “Clinton Campaign Bus Loses Engine” and Hillary gets out and pushes it, even though it’s completely dead.
5. Maybe the reason that Bush has a problem with global warming is that he is committed to leading the world in everything, and in global warming, we are far behind, so the only way we can lead is in the wrong direction.
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