1. The inventor of LSD died yesterday. It’s okay, though, because he’s expected to come back suddenly several years from now while I’m walking down the street. He was Swiss, which isn’t surprising. Any country that would invent the cuckoo clock must have had something going on.
2. The country of Belarus has expelled 10 U.S. diplomats because the U.S. has imposed sanctions on them. In the meantime, they’re desperately trying to find oil there so the U.S. won’t mind them so much. You see there’s an “oil threshold” for dictatorships at the White House. If your production dips below a certain level, and you’re still a dictatorship, then the sanctions start. Freedom or oil - you have to produce one of them.
3. A man in Ohio has regrown part of his finger, thanks to new medical technology. Apparently, you put this stuff from a pig bladder on the cut, and it regrows. Muslims are already talking about a conspiracy, because if it’s made from pigs, they can’t use it.
4. A giant inflatable pig used during a rock concert in California has been recovered. Man, I was worried about that. It was found in tatters in the driveways of two separate houses. Damaged parts of the driveways are already starting to regrow.
5. A research station in the Ivory Coast is trying to sell a three-headed palm tree to raise money. It was created by blending the genes of a normal tree with Ghidra the Three-Headed Monster. (Show footage from old Japanese Godzilla movie.)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
4/29
1. Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo has apparently picked up three prostitutes who turned out to be men. As usual, other nations just keep wanting to prove that our sex scandals are so boring. The transvestite prostitutes took Ronaldo’s identification and allegedly tried to extort money from him, because then they’d found out his last name and were going to tell the world!
2. In New Zealand, scientists are examining the body of a rare ‘colossal squid’. The ‘colossal squid’ is not the same as the ‘giant squid’, apparently. And neither of them is as big as the ‘really humongous squid’ or the ‘Charles Barkley squid’.
3. A new government report says that Iraq will have oil revenue of $70 billion this year, and only about half of it will go to people who want to kill Americans!
4. Turkey has reformed its laws that ban any insult against Turkishness. Now, instead, the law will just be against insulting the Turkish nation. Whew! And the penalty will be only two years instead of three. Double whew!
5. A mayor in Chile is going to hand out free Viagra to older residents of his town. He said it was about giving the elderly a better quality of life. But I think he just wants to kill them off from heart attacks.
2. In New Zealand, scientists are examining the body of a rare ‘colossal squid’. The ‘colossal squid’ is not the same as the ‘giant squid’, apparently. And neither of them is as big as the ‘really humongous squid’ or the ‘Charles Barkley squid’.
3. A new government report says that Iraq will have oil revenue of $70 billion this year, and only about half of it will go to people who want to kill Americans!
4. Turkey has reformed its laws that ban any insult against Turkishness. Now, instead, the law will just be against insulting the Turkish nation. Whew! And the penalty will be only two years instead of three. Double whew!
5. A mayor in Chile is going to hand out free Viagra to older residents of his town. He said it was about giving the elderly a better quality of life. But I think he just wants to kill them off from heart attacks.
Monday, April 28, 2008
4/28
1. The number of pregnant women reporting odd food cravings is on the rise. The really surprising one, though, is that a lot of women say they have cravings for coal. Except in California, where they have a craving for solar panels.
2. The Olympic torch went through North Korea yesterday. And Kim Jong Il wanted to show that North Korea is just as good as any other country, so forty people ran in front of the torch in perfect unison, yelled “Free Tibet!”, then goosestepped away. The North Koreans later continued their protest by stealing the torch, selling it for scrap, and eating the relay runner.
3. The candy maker Mars is going to buy chewing gum maker Wrigley. Are they also going to adopt Wrigley’s vaguely sexualized ad campaigns? “Could I have a bite of your knickers? Wait, I mean Snickers.” “Try a threesome -- a Three Musketeers. They‘re not just big on chocolate.”
4. A factory in China has apparently been making Free Tibet flags. So it’s official -- Chinese factories will make anything. And we’re surprised they’re letting lead get in our toys.
5. Officials in Iran want to ban Barbie dolls, because they destroy Islamic values. They don’t want their daughters to end up like Miley Cyrus. They tried a more modestly dressed version of Barbie, but it didn‘t work, because you can still take off all their clothes.
2. The Olympic torch went through North Korea yesterday. And Kim Jong Il wanted to show that North Korea is just as good as any other country, so forty people ran in front of the torch in perfect unison, yelled “Free Tibet!”, then goosestepped away. The North Koreans later continued their protest by stealing the torch, selling it for scrap, and eating the relay runner.
3. The candy maker Mars is going to buy chewing gum maker Wrigley. Are they also going to adopt Wrigley’s vaguely sexualized ad campaigns? “Could I have a bite of your knickers? Wait, I mean Snickers.” “Try a threesome -- a Three Musketeers. They‘re not just big on chocolate.”
4. A factory in China has apparently been making Free Tibet flags. So it’s official -- Chinese factories will make anything. And we’re surprised they’re letting lead get in our toys.
5. Officials in Iran want to ban Barbie dolls, because they destroy Islamic values. They don’t want their daughters to end up like Miley Cyrus. They tried a more modestly dressed version of Barbie, but it didn‘t work, because you can still take off all their clothes.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
4/26
1. The Grateful Dead have agreed to donate their memorabilia to the University of California at Santa Cruz. You see, they had a bet with the university, that if the total volume of pot smoked at the university ever exceeded the amount smoke by the band, they would give them the memorabilia. If the university wasn’t able to do it before all the band members died, then the university would officially classify the band as the “very grateful dead”.
2. A train just got robbed in France, and the only things the robbers took were a bunch of cushions with Playboy logos. However, it was later learned that the cushions were stuffed with a pubic hair from every woman Hugh Hefner has ever slept with.
3. The government of Germany has apparently been spying on officials from Afghanistan. The U.S. government advised them to explain the whole thing by attacking the press for reporting on the incident.
4. Indonesia is having a massive drill to prepare for an outbreak of bird flu. The drill begins with a foreign man being infected, then trying to keep other infected travelers from leaving the country. Man, sounds like a drill for Bangkok.
5. There have been fights between protesters and police in Japan on the Olympic torch route. One person threw eggs to try and put out the flame. Maybe he was just trying to cook breakfast. And do eggs put out fires? That’s why my girlfriend’s never in the mood during her period.
2. A train just got robbed in France, and the only things the robbers took were a bunch of cushions with Playboy logos. However, it was later learned that the cushions were stuffed with a pubic hair from every woman Hugh Hefner has ever slept with.
3. The government of Germany has apparently been spying on officials from Afghanistan. The U.S. government advised them to explain the whole thing by attacking the press for reporting on the incident.
4. Indonesia is having a massive drill to prepare for an outbreak of bird flu. The drill begins with a foreign man being infected, then trying to keep other infected travelers from leaving the country. Man, sounds like a drill for Bangkok.
5. There have been fights between protesters and police in Japan on the Olympic torch route. One person threw eggs to try and put out the flame. Maybe he was just trying to cook breakfast. And do eggs put out fires? That’s why my girlfriend’s never in the mood during her period.
Friday, April 25, 2008
4/25
1. The Olympic torch is in Japan today, and for the first time, both the right and left wings in Japan will protest together. The left wing wants China to leave Tibet, while the right wing wants Japan to take over instead.
2. The Senate has decided to award Aung San Suu Kyi, the pro-democracy leader in Burma, with its highest honor. However, the only reason is that her name sounds like the first line of “The Star Spangled Banner”.
3. Cricket teams in India could be fined if their cheerleaders are found to be dressed indecently. However, the cheerleaders themselves will not be arrested, which left police extremely disappointed. Senior officers would decide whether the cheerleaders crossed “lines of decency”. And they would be watching veeeeeery closely.
4. A company is now offering “odor free” pants for men. This way, when you fart, no one can smell it. But I’m wondering, what happens when you take off the pants? After a long day, that could be potentially life-threatening. There might have to be a warning label: “Do not remove near open flames.”
5. The government has now banned discriminating against people based on their genes. Others have protested that the government shouldn’t force people to wear slacks.
2. The Senate has decided to award Aung San Suu Kyi, the pro-democracy leader in Burma, with its highest honor. However, the only reason is that her name sounds like the first line of “The Star Spangled Banner”.
3. Cricket teams in India could be fined if their cheerleaders are found to be dressed indecently. However, the cheerleaders themselves will not be arrested, which left police extremely disappointed. Senior officers would decide whether the cheerleaders crossed “lines of decency”. And they would be watching veeeeeery closely.
4. A company is now offering “odor free” pants for men. This way, when you fart, no one can smell it. But I’m wondering, what happens when you take off the pants? After a long day, that could be potentially life-threatening. There might have to be a warning label: “Do not remove near open flames.”
5. The government has now banned discriminating against people based on their genes. Others have protested that the government shouldn’t force people to wear slacks.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Pope Benedict spoke at the United Nations today. And in honor of the traditions of diplomats at the UN, he double parked the Popemobile and threw the ticket in the trash.
Scientists say that people were doing oil painting in Afghanistan over six centuries before Europe. So if that time scale holds true, in about 2300 AD, Europeans will start blowing up Renoirs.
Hillary Clinton is having trouble raising money, because her biggest supporters are maxed out on their spending limits. Obama’s supporters, on the other hand, have been steadily rationing out their lunch money.
72% of the French are unhappy with their president’s performance, while 65% don’t think that he’s kept campaign promises. Sooo, there are 7% who think that he’s kept his promises, but really wish he hadn’t. Sort of like Hillary Clinton -- she promised to keep fighting, and so many of us wish that she wasn’t keeping that promise.
The website EBay has now sued the website Craig’s List for taking actions that unfairly jeopardize Ebay. Like offering all the things that EBay does, but for free.
A former Khmer Rouge leader wants to be released while he waits for trial. Oh, poor baby. You know, the Khmer Rouge had a system for releasing people before trial. I think it was called “shooting them”.
People in China are protesting outside French stores and calling for boycotts of French products. Boycotting France? When will they just stop copying Americans?
Below is footage of the capture of pirates in Somalia. Wow, they’re not messing around, that Recording Industry. Remember, kids, downloading copyrighted music is a crime.
Scientists say that people were doing oil painting in Afghanistan over six centuries before Europe. So if that time scale holds true, in about 2300 AD, Europeans will start blowing up Renoirs.
Hillary Clinton is having trouble raising money, because her biggest supporters are maxed out on their spending limits. Obama’s supporters, on the other hand, have been steadily rationing out their lunch money.
72% of the French are unhappy with their president’s performance, while 65% don’t think that he’s kept campaign promises. Sooo, there are 7% who think that he’s kept his promises, but really wish he hadn’t. Sort of like Hillary Clinton -- she promised to keep fighting, and so many of us wish that she wasn’t keeping that promise.
The website EBay has now sued the website Craig’s List for taking actions that unfairly jeopardize Ebay. Like offering all the things that EBay does, but for free.
A former Khmer Rouge leader wants to be released while he waits for trial. Oh, poor baby. You know, the Khmer Rouge had a system for releasing people before trial. I think it was called “shooting them”.
People in China are protesting outside French stores and calling for boycotts of French products. Boycotting France? When will they just stop copying Americans?
Below is footage of the capture of pirates in Somalia. Wow, they’re not messing around, that Recording Industry. Remember, kids, downloading copyrighted music is a crime.
4/24
1. In the country of Turkmenistan, the current president is switching the names of the months back from the names that the crazy former president made up. I hope the new president of our country has the guts to change that bizarre “May” back. Some of our older viewers will remember that the original name was “April”, which was somewhat confusing, so it was sometimes referred to as “April Part II”.
2. The fast food chain Arby’s is buying Wendy’s. They did it because they’re running out of apostrophes. This is actually the worst apostrophe shortage since the early 1990s, when Starbucks had to change its name from the original S’t’a’r’b’u’c’k’s. People have said that the founder, Dave Thomas, must be rolling in his grave, but considering his size when he died, that would have to be a pretty big coffin.
3. 72% of the French are unhappy with their president’s performance, while 65% don’t think that he’s kept campaign promises. Sooo, there are 7% who think that he’s kept his promises, but really wish he hadn’t. Sort of like Hillary Clinton -- she promised to keep fighting, and so many of us wish that she wasn’t keeping that promise.
4. Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years for tax evasion. The media showed this riveting footage of the event. (Show the one and a half minutes of Snipes simply walking up to the courthouse.) All right, yes, there! He almost got hit by the car. That would have been exciting. Now he’s patting his coat. Smiling. The entourage is walking. Smiling again. Ooo, nice teeth. Victory sign. Bad precedent there. Bowing like they do in Thailand. Not sure what that means. Now he’s going inside. Wait, he’s pausing! He might say something! No, he’s going inside. Then we get the option to play it again! Yes!
5. Teen singer Miley Cyrus is worth $1 billion. $1 billion! Yet, it would take 58 of her to equal one Bill Gates. Not in terms of money - Gates has just been eating a lot recently.
2. The fast food chain Arby’s is buying Wendy’s. They did it because they’re running out of apostrophes. This is actually the worst apostrophe shortage since the early 1990s, when Starbucks had to change its name from the original S’t’a’r’b’u’c’k’s. People have said that the founder, Dave Thomas, must be rolling in his grave, but considering his size when he died, that would have to be a pretty big coffin.
3. 72% of the French are unhappy with their president’s performance, while 65% don’t think that he’s kept campaign promises. Sooo, there are 7% who think that he’s kept his promises, but really wish he hadn’t. Sort of like Hillary Clinton -- she promised to keep fighting, and so many of us wish that she wasn’t keeping that promise.
4. Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years for tax evasion. The media showed this riveting footage of the event. (Show the one and a half minutes of Snipes simply walking up to the courthouse.) All right, yes, there! He almost got hit by the car. That would have been exciting. Now he’s patting his coat. Smiling. The entourage is walking. Smiling again. Ooo, nice teeth. Victory sign. Bad precedent there. Bowing like they do in Thailand. Not sure what that means. Now he’s going inside. Wait, he’s pausing! He might say something! No, he’s going inside. Then we get the option to play it again! Yes!
5. Teen singer Miley Cyrus is worth $1 billion. $1 billion! Yet, it would take 58 of her to equal one Bill Gates. Not in terms of money - Gates has just been eating a lot recently.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
4/23
1. Beyond the fact that the presidential candidates are appearing on World Wrestling Entertainment for god’s sake, I wonder if there’s any sort of even more extremely inappropriate thing John McCain could say about his female and African American opponents? (Show clip of McCain on World Wrestling Entertainment saying: “If you want to be the man, you have to beat the man.”)
2. Did you hear about this 18-year-old girl who just became the youngest college professor of all time? She beat a 300-year-old record. And back then, the life expectancy was like, 30 years old, so it wasn’t such a big deal. Compared to today, that was kind of like the steroid era of doing things when you were young. This would have just been like a mid-life crisis for her. Of course, back then, she would have been on her fourth baby by now.
3. The United Nations is warning that it will have to stop collecting garbage in Gaza if Israel doesn’t end its fuel embargo. The UN collects the garbage in Gaza? Can they send some people over to Italy too? I hear they need some help with that. My neighborhood could use a little too.
4. North Korea has supposedly been helping Syria build a nuclear reactor. Photographs have shown a Syrian facility with North Koreans inside. However, later they learned that the North Koreans were just trying to find something to eat. And get out of the cold.
5. The Olympic torch has arrived in Canberra, Australia. However, the Australian prime minister has said that if there are any violent protesters, the police will come down on them like “a ton of bricks”. And remember, this is, not making this up, a man who was recently thrown out of a New York strip club for bad behavior. If he can handle a New York strip club bouncer, why do you think he’ll stop with you, Tibetan protesters? China’s just glad he’s kind of on their side.
2. Did you hear about this 18-year-old girl who just became the youngest college professor of all time? She beat a 300-year-old record. And back then, the life expectancy was like, 30 years old, so it wasn’t such a big deal. Compared to today, that was kind of like the steroid era of doing things when you were young. This would have just been like a mid-life crisis for her. Of course, back then, she would have been on her fourth baby by now.
3. The United Nations is warning that it will have to stop collecting garbage in Gaza if Israel doesn’t end its fuel embargo. The UN collects the garbage in Gaza? Can they send some people over to Italy too? I hear they need some help with that. My neighborhood could use a little too.
4. North Korea has supposedly been helping Syria build a nuclear reactor. Photographs have shown a Syrian facility with North Koreans inside. However, later they learned that the North Koreans were just trying to find something to eat. And get out of the cold.
5. The Olympic torch has arrived in Canberra, Australia. However, the Australian prime minister has said that if there are any violent protesters, the police will come down on them like “a ton of bricks”. And remember, this is, not making this up, a man who was recently thrown out of a New York strip club for bad behavior. If he can handle a New York strip club bouncer, why do you think he’ll stop with you, Tibetan protesters? China’s just glad he’s kind of on their side.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
4/22
1. A U.S. citizen has been arrested on suspicion of giving military secrets to, wait for it (pause) Israel. Yeah, you thought I was going to say China, didn’t you? But no, for the second time in recent years, it’s our good friends in Israel spying on us, since apparently they’re not content with the $3 billion in annual military aid that we give them. I think Israel is getting its relationship strategies from my ex-girlfriend.
2. Hillary Clinton has won the Democratic primary in Pennsylvania, beating Barack Obama. Clinton had said that she thought “a win under any circumstances” would be “a terrific achievement”. Really? How about strapped to a chair, surrounded by angry weasels? I’m sure some Obama fans could arrange that.
3. The website EBay has now sued the website Craig’s List for taking actions that unfairly jeopardize Ebay. Like offering all the things that EBay does, but for free.
4. A former Khmer Rouge leader wants to be released while he waits for trial. Oh, poor baby. You know, the Khmer Rouge had a system for releasing people before trial. I think it was called “shooting them”.
5. Scientists say that people were doing oil painting in Afghanistan over six centuries before Europe. So if that time scale holds true, in about 2300 AD, Europeans will start blowing up Renoirs.
2. Hillary Clinton has won the Democratic primary in Pennsylvania, beating Barack Obama. Clinton had said that she thought “a win under any circumstances” would be “a terrific achievement”. Really? How about strapped to a chair, surrounded by angry weasels? I’m sure some Obama fans could arrange that.
3. The website EBay has now sued the website Craig’s List for taking actions that unfairly jeopardize Ebay. Like offering all the things that EBay does, but for free.
4. A former Khmer Rouge leader wants to be released while he waits for trial. Oh, poor baby. You know, the Khmer Rouge had a system for releasing people before trial. I think it was called “shooting them”.
5. Scientists say that people were doing oil painting in Afghanistan over six centuries before Europe. So if that time scale holds true, in about 2300 AD, Europeans will start blowing up Renoirs.
Monday, April 21, 2008
4/21
1. John McCain said yesterday that there should be no “forgotten places” in America. Which is why he announced a plan to outfit every car with GPS.
2. Barack Obama has accused Hillary Clinton of “say-anything-do-anything” politics. Clinton immediately attacked Obama for attacking her for attacking him. Man, this is all getting complicated.
3. Apparently, the time of the month may affect whether women quit smoking more easily. It’s got nothing to do with menstrual cycles, it’s just that by the end of the month, the money‘s gone and there‘s nothing else to do.
4. Scientists have now developed a bionic eye that puts cameras in the eyes of blind people. A version currently being worked on can also make color prints.
5. China has launched an “education” campaign in Tibet, to teach them that the Dalai Lama should not be supported and that Tibet shouldn’t be free. You know, “education campaigns” in China never include biology. It’s never, “Let’s teach people math!” It’s always, “Let’s teach people to obey!”
2. Barack Obama has accused Hillary Clinton of “say-anything-do-anything” politics. Clinton immediately attacked Obama for attacking her for attacking him. Man, this is all getting complicated.
3. Apparently, the time of the month may affect whether women quit smoking more easily. It’s got nothing to do with menstrual cycles, it’s just that by the end of the month, the money‘s gone and there‘s nothing else to do.
4. Scientists have now developed a bionic eye that puts cameras in the eyes of blind people. A version currently being worked on can also make color prints.
5. China has launched an “education” campaign in Tibet, to teach them that the Dalai Lama should not be supported and that Tibet shouldn’t be free. You know, “education campaigns” in China never include biology. It’s never, “Let’s teach people math!” It’s always, “Let’s teach people to obey!”
Saturday, April 19, 2008
4/19
1. Hillary Clinton is having trouble raising money, because her biggest supporters are maxed out on their spending limits. Obama’s supporters, on the other hand, have been steadily rationing out their lunch money.
2. People in China are protesting outside French stores and calling for boycotts of French products. Boycotting France? When will they just stop copying Americans?
3. New studies show that the elderly are more happy than people at any other stage of their lives, because they have learned to live with what they have. Or at least to forget that they had anything else.
4. Clinton’s attitude now about Obama seems to be like a Marine drill sergeant. “I will be horrible to you, because the enemy will be even worse! Now drop and give me fifty, maggot!”
5. The Olympic torch made it through Bangkok in Thailand yesterday with only a few protests. You see, protesters in Bangkok had a different interpretation of the phrase “blow the torch”.
2. People in China are protesting outside French stores and calling for boycotts of French products. Boycotting France? When will they just stop copying Americans?
3. New studies show that the elderly are more happy than people at any other stage of their lives, because they have learned to live with what they have. Or at least to forget that they had anything else.
4. Clinton’s attitude now about Obama seems to be like a Marine drill sergeant. “I will be horrible to you, because the enemy will be even worse! Now drop and give me fifty, maggot!”
5. The Olympic torch made it through Bangkok in Thailand yesterday with only a few protests. You see, protesters in Bangkok had a different interpretation of the phrase “blow the torch”.
Friday, April 18, 2008
4/18
1. Did you see the capture of those pirates in Somalia recently? Do we have footage of that? (Show footage.) Wow, they’re not messing around, that Recording Industry. Remember, kids, downloading copyrighted music is a crime.
2. Pope Benedict spoke at the United Nations today. And in honor of the traditions of diplomats at the UN, he double parked the Popemobile and threw the ticket in the trash.
3. A hypnotist in Britain chose to hypnotize himself before having surgery, and didn’t take any anesthesia. He also entertained the doctors with a little bump and grind, but he says that he just felt like it. Nothing to do with the hypnotism.
4. There have been reports that Vladimir Putin is going to divorce his wife and marry a younger woman. He’s been looking at French President Nicolas Sarkozy and thinking, “I want nude photos of MY wife to get sold at auction. Of course, I’d have the seller shot, but it’s just the principle.”
5. You know the Freedom Tower, the building they’re trying to put up at Ground Zero? Some homeless guy found secret blueprints for it in the trash. The guy gave the blueprints to the New York Post, in thanks for all the newspaper had done over the years to keep him warm. The Freedom Tower will be the tallest building in the United States, because by the time it’s finally finished, all the other buildings will have rotted away.
2. Pope Benedict spoke at the United Nations today. And in honor of the traditions of diplomats at the UN, he double parked the Popemobile and threw the ticket in the trash.
3. A hypnotist in Britain chose to hypnotize himself before having surgery, and didn’t take any anesthesia. He also entertained the doctors with a little bump and grind, but he says that he just felt like it. Nothing to do with the hypnotism.
4. There have been reports that Vladimir Putin is going to divorce his wife and marry a younger woman. He’s been looking at French President Nicolas Sarkozy and thinking, “I want nude photos of MY wife to get sold at auction. Of course, I’d have the seller shot, but it’s just the principle.”
5. You know the Freedom Tower, the building they’re trying to put up at Ground Zero? Some homeless guy found secret blueprints for it in the trash. The guy gave the blueprints to the New York Post, in thanks for all the newspaper had done over the years to keep him warm. The Freedom Tower will be the tallest building in the United States, because by the time it’s finally finished, all the other buildings will have rotted away.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
The Pope has arrived in the U.S. for a six-day visit. He plans to meet with President Bush, perform Mass at Yankee Stadium, and watch the Marilyn Monroe oral sex film. People always say this Pope likes to see things in black and white.
American Airlines says it’s back to normal after massive flight cancellations over the weekend. Yes, back to normal -- horrible food and bad service. Thank god. How about back to “better”?
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the link between his country and the United States is stronger than ever. Really? More than during World War II?
The Chinese Environmental Protection Agency says that China is now the world’s biggest polluter. The Chinese government immediately announced a plan to improve the data -- they would hold a conference of Environmental Protection Agency officials… and shoot them. They’re also thinking about reclassifying carbon dioxide as a Western conspiracy. And China has an Environmental Protection Agency? That must be the easiest job in the world. ‘You say your machine is actually fuelled by baby panda bears? Sounds okay to us!’ I think they just play softball everyday with the Chinese Committee on Human Rights.
Prosecutors of Wesley Snipes, who was found guilty of tax evasion, say that putting him in prison is a “singular opportunity” to “deter tax crime nationwide.” No, I think the best opportunity to deter tax crime nationwide is to stop using taxes to pay for crazy shit.
The Chinese government is taking extreme measures to keep pollution down. That’s why they’re sending the torch going all over the world. That thing pollutes like you wouldn’t believe.
The king of Norway has opened a new opera house there. He said he’s tired of all those fakers around the world wearing Viking helmets.
In Australia, two police officers handcuffed a man and put him in their car while they went to look for more evidence. While they were gone, the guy got into the front seat and drove off. Which was exactly the sort of evidence they were looking for.
In London, $91,000 was paid for a nude photo of the French First Lady. Which beats the previous record of $85,000 paid for a nude photo of Barbara Bush. (It was very helpful for getting pandas to mate.)
American Airlines says it’s back to normal after massive flight cancellations over the weekend. Yes, back to normal -- horrible food and bad service. Thank god. How about back to “better”?
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the link between his country and the United States is stronger than ever. Really? More than during World War II?
The Chinese Environmental Protection Agency says that China is now the world’s biggest polluter. The Chinese government immediately announced a plan to improve the data -- they would hold a conference of Environmental Protection Agency officials… and shoot them. They’re also thinking about reclassifying carbon dioxide as a Western conspiracy. And China has an Environmental Protection Agency? That must be the easiest job in the world. ‘You say your machine is actually fuelled by baby panda bears? Sounds okay to us!’ I think they just play softball everyday with the Chinese Committee on Human Rights.
Prosecutors of Wesley Snipes, who was found guilty of tax evasion, say that putting him in prison is a “singular opportunity” to “deter tax crime nationwide.” No, I think the best opportunity to deter tax crime nationwide is to stop using taxes to pay for crazy shit.
The Chinese government is taking extreme measures to keep pollution down. That’s why they’re sending the torch going all over the world. That thing pollutes like you wouldn’t believe.
The king of Norway has opened a new opera house there. He said he’s tired of all those fakers around the world wearing Viking helmets.
In Australia, two police officers handcuffed a man and put him in their car while they went to look for more evidence. While they were gone, the guy got into the front seat and drove off. Which was exactly the sort of evidence they were looking for.
In London, $91,000 was paid for a nude photo of the French First Lady. Which beats the previous record of $85,000 paid for a nude photo of Barbara Bush. (It was very helpful for getting pandas to mate.)
4/17
1. So a man in Russia recently woke up, and found that he had a six-inch knife in his back. Actually, HIS WIFE is the one who noticed the knife and called an ambulance. Media outlets said he “had been drinking vodka.” Oh really? Wouldn’t have guessed that one! And he got stabbed by a friend. When he woke up at the friend’s work, he got on a bus, went home, and had some sausage before falling asleep, all with the knife in his back. Doctor’s say he’s fine, but the friend is facing trial, EVEN THOUGH the guy who got stabbed isn’t upset. He said, and I quote, “We were drinking and what doesn’t happen when you’re drunk?” Well, I am not getting drunk in Russia, if that’s what happens when you’re drunk. If I wake up from a night of drinking and there’s a knife in my back, I want it to be from a naked woman. Plus, the guy who stabbed him is a security guard. A security guard getting drunk and stabbing people. I hope he gets a raise. No one’s going to dare break into his place.
2. Police in Spain have arrested 87 Nigerians for running an e-mail scam that fooled at least 1,500 people and got almost $40 million. Why does anyone still fall for those things? They always begin with lines like, “Dearest Sir That I Am Writing This Letter to Dear Sir or Madam”. Does that sound like a lottery official? No, wait, don’t answer that.
3. A new study says that being fat might make you fatter. No, wait, hear me out. It starts to make sense. You see, the fat makes a hormone that makes you hungry, so you eat more, and get more fat, which makes more of the hormone, so you’re even hungrier. Scientists said that the answer therefore lies in… (band member: “Eat less and exercise!”) That’s right - drugs!
4. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the link between his country and the United States is stronger than ever. Really? More than during World War II?
5. The prostate cancer rate has fallen dramatically since screening became more common, but a new study says that might not be the reason. Well, I can say that prostate massages have certainly been nice for me.
2. Police in Spain have arrested 87 Nigerians for running an e-mail scam that fooled at least 1,500 people and got almost $40 million. Why does anyone still fall for those things? They always begin with lines like, “Dearest Sir That I Am Writing This Letter to Dear Sir or Madam”. Does that sound like a lottery official? No, wait, don’t answer that.
3. A new study says that being fat might make you fatter. No, wait, hear me out. It starts to make sense. You see, the fat makes a hormone that makes you hungry, so you eat more, and get more fat, which makes more of the hormone, so you’re even hungrier. Scientists said that the answer therefore lies in… (band member: “Eat less and exercise!”) That’s right - drugs!
4. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the link between his country and the United States is stronger than ever. Really? More than during World War II?
5. The prostate cancer rate has fallen dramatically since screening became more common, but a new study says that might not be the reason. Well, I can say that prostate massages have certainly been nice for me.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
4/16
1. President Bush’s daughter Jenna says that no pictures of her wedding dress will be released beforehand. There will be no leaks. This isn’t some flimsy deal like the Bush White House - this is a mother-in-law and her daughter’s wedding! That is serious business. She said that she wanted something organic and low-key. Not the food, mind you. The Bushes aren’t really into organic food. An MSNBC article wrote about the resume of the groom, then wrote, and I quote: “Jenna Bush, 26, is a 2004 graduate of the University of Texas, where she was twice charged with misdemeanors for alcohol-related offenses.” Wonderful.
2. President Bush welcomed the Pope at the White House today. Bush said: “Holy Father, you find in America people whose hearts are open to your message of hope.” Yes, hopeful because the election is less than seven months away!
3. President Bush keeps putting out plans to stop global warming now that his presidency is winding down. Pretty soon, we’re going to see him up in Alaska, going around saving individual baby fur seals. (act out) “See this one! I saved it! That’s one success for my presidency!”
4. Did you see this woman who spilled all these secrets about the husband she’s divorcing on YouTube? I hear her advisor was Heather Mills. Can we see a picture of her? Is this really the image you want?
5. A new study shows that people who take extra vitamin A, E, and beta-carotene might have a higher risk of dying. Surprisingly, this view was contradicted by vitamin pill makers.
2. President Bush welcomed the Pope at the White House today. Bush said: “Holy Father, you find in America people whose hearts are open to your message of hope.” Yes, hopeful because the election is less than seven months away!
3. President Bush keeps putting out plans to stop global warming now that his presidency is winding down. Pretty soon, we’re going to see him up in Alaska, going around saving individual baby fur seals. (act out) “See this one! I saved it! That’s one success for my presidency!”
4. Did you see this woman who spilled all these secrets about the husband she’s divorcing on YouTube? I hear her advisor was Heather Mills. Can we see a picture of her? Is this really the image you want?
5. A new study shows that people who take extra vitamin A, E, and beta-carotene might have a higher risk of dying. Surprisingly, this view was contradicted by vitamin pill makers.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
4/15
1. In Australia, two police officers handcuffed a man and put him in their car while they went to look for more evidence. While they were gone, the guy got into the front seat and drove off. Which was exactly the sort of evidence they were looking for.
2. The Chinese Environmental Protection Agency says that China is now the world’s biggest polluter. The Chinese government immediately announced a plan to improve the data -- they would hold a conference of Environmental Protection Agency officials… and shoot them. They’re also thinking about reclassifying carbon dioxide as a Western conspiracy. And China has an Environmental Protection Agency? That must be the easiest job in the world. ‘You say your machine is actually fuelled by baby panda bears? Sounds okay to us!’ I think they just play softball everyday with the Chinese Committee on Human Rights.
3. Prosecutors of Wesley Snipes, who was found guilty of tax evasion, say that putting him in prison is a “singular opportunity” to “deter tax crime nationwide.” No, I think the best opportunity to deter tax crime nationwide is to stop using taxes to pay for crazy shit.
4. A woman is going to stand trial for stalking John Cusack. She was apparently throwing letters over his fence with rocks and screwdrivers inside. Screwdrivers? Maybe she was just trying to get him to notice one of his doors was crooked. Or just implying that she wanted to have a drink.
5. Delta Airlines and Northwest Airlines have announced plans to merge. The new airline will become the largest in the world, demonstrating once again that bad service is no barrier to growth.
2. The Chinese Environmental Protection Agency says that China is now the world’s biggest polluter. The Chinese government immediately announced a plan to improve the data -- they would hold a conference of Environmental Protection Agency officials… and shoot them. They’re also thinking about reclassifying carbon dioxide as a Western conspiracy. And China has an Environmental Protection Agency? That must be the easiest job in the world. ‘You say your machine is actually fuelled by baby panda bears? Sounds okay to us!’ I think they just play softball everyday with the Chinese Committee on Human Rights.
3. Prosecutors of Wesley Snipes, who was found guilty of tax evasion, say that putting him in prison is a “singular opportunity” to “deter tax crime nationwide.” No, I think the best opportunity to deter tax crime nationwide is to stop using taxes to pay for crazy shit.
4. A woman is going to stand trial for stalking John Cusack. She was apparently throwing letters over his fence with rocks and screwdrivers inside. Screwdrivers? Maybe she was just trying to get him to notice one of his doors was crooked. Or just implying that she wanted to have a drink.
5. Delta Airlines and Northwest Airlines have announced plans to merge. The new airline will become the largest in the world, demonstrating once again that bad service is no barrier to growth.
Monday, April 14, 2008
4/14
1. A 15-minute film of Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex was sold for $1.5 million yesterday. The collector says that he doesn’t plan to ever distribute it to the public. Apparently he just wants to jack off to it in private. He bought the film from the son of a dead FBI informant. Man, that must have been some blowjob! J. Edgar Hoover apparently had nine people at a time working on it in a lab to find ways to figure out if it was John F. Kennedy. I bet it was tough to get people to work on that project.
2. The Pope has arrived in the U.S. for a six-day visit. He plans to meet with President Bush, perform Mass at Yankee Stadium, and watch the Marilyn Monroe oral sex film. People always say this Pope likes to see things in black and white.
3. American Airlines says it’s back to normal after massive flight cancellations over the weekend. Yes, back to normal -- horrible food and bad service. Thank god. How about back to “better”?
4. The Chinese government is taking extreme measures to keep pollution down. That’s why they’re sending the torch going all over the world. That thing pollutes like you wouldn’t believe.
5. Senator Obama made a horrible mistake this weekend. Speaking at an event, he said that when people lose their jobs, they get bitter, and “cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment.” Yes, Obama made the error of almost telling the truth. And you can believe the other candidates jumped on THAT!
2. The Pope has arrived in the U.S. for a six-day visit. He plans to meet with President Bush, perform Mass at Yankee Stadium, and watch the Marilyn Monroe oral sex film. People always say this Pope likes to see things in black and white.
3. American Airlines says it’s back to normal after massive flight cancellations over the weekend. Yes, back to normal -- horrible food and bad service. Thank god. How about back to “better”?
4. The Chinese government is taking extreme measures to keep pollution down. That’s why they’re sending the torch going all over the world. That thing pollutes like you wouldn’t believe.
5. Senator Obama made a horrible mistake this weekend. Speaking at an event, he said that when people lose their jobs, they get bitter, and “cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment.” Yes, Obama made the error of almost telling the truth. And you can believe the other candidates jumped on THAT!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
4/12
1. The king of Norway has opened a new opera house there. He said he’s tired of all those fakers around the world wearing Viking helmets.
2. In Israel, some soldiers have gotten in trouble for posting militarily sensitive photos all over the internet. Apparently, they were all working for Google.
3. Defense Minister Robert Gates, speaking about Moqtada al-Sadr, said that “those who are willing to work within the political process in Iraq, and peacefully, are not enemies of the United States.” To this, Sadr replied: “I have no enemy but you… till the last drop of blood.” Okaaay. I think that might be a no. When my ex-girlfriend said that, I knew things weren’t going to well.
4. Chinese President Hu Jintao gave a speech about Tibet yesterday that was widely hailed as a breakthrough, because it managed to have almost zero true statements. Guinness has been notified.
5. The painting “Benefits Supervisor Sleeping” is likely to set a new price record this week. Can we see a shot of the painting? (Show image.) It’s expected to sell for much more than the recent nude photo of the French First Lady. And people wonder why the British keep moving to France.
2. In Israel, some soldiers have gotten in trouble for posting militarily sensitive photos all over the internet. Apparently, they were all working for Google.
3. Defense Minister Robert Gates, speaking about Moqtada al-Sadr, said that “those who are willing to work within the political process in Iraq, and peacefully, are not enemies of the United States.” To this, Sadr replied: “I have no enemy but you… till the last drop of blood.” Okaaay. I think that might be a no. When my ex-girlfriend said that, I knew things weren’t going to well.
4. Chinese President Hu Jintao gave a speech about Tibet yesterday that was widely hailed as a breakthrough, because it managed to have almost zero true statements. Guinness has been notified.
5. The painting “Benefits Supervisor Sleeping” is likely to set a new price record this week. Can we see a shot of the painting? (Show image.) It’s expected to sell for much more than the recent nude photo of the French First Lady. And people wonder why the British keep moving to France.
Friday, April 11, 2008
4/11
1. This is true - a class from Randolph College in Virginia recently took a field trip to a brothel in Nevada. Yes, I’m sure all the students in the audience are wondering how to transfer there now. Of course, you’re not going to do that if you keep skipping class to come to my show. Anyway, there were no points for extra credit. There were a lot of problems during the class, because many wanted to be kept after.
2. In London, $91,000 was paid for a nude photo of the French First Lady. Which beats the previous record of $85,000 paid for a nude photo of Barbara Bush. (It was very helpful for getting pandas to mate.)
3. China insists that it is unconcerned about threats of boycotts. It expressed “strong indignation” at our Congress for condemning the violence in Tibet. Jacques Rogge, the head of the International Olympic Committee, said that the Olympics will “rebound from crisis”. Okay, I think you’re using the royal “Olympics” there. This guy seems like one of those jittery event planners from 1960s movies, when they couldn’t come right out and say someone was gay, but we knew what was going on.
4. Protesters along the Olympic torch route in Argentina promised “entertaining surprises”. (Cut to doctored photo of people dancing tango with water hoses in their hands.) It was the first ever tango protest.
5. The government is now offering fast-track visas to Cubans with relatives in the States. It used to take three to seven years to process visa applications, but now it will only take months. Um, why haven’t they been doing this before? Why did it take seven years before? Were people just being officially lazy? How do you speed up visa applications? And you know the really pissed people are the ones just getting their visas after seven years. “You mean you could have done this in two months?!”
2. In London, $91,000 was paid for a nude photo of the French First Lady. Which beats the previous record of $85,000 paid for a nude photo of Barbara Bush. (It was very helpful for getting pandas to mate.)
3. China insists that it is unconcerned about threats of boycotts. It expressed “strong indignation” at our Congress for condemning the violence in Tibet. Jacques Rogge, the head of the International Olympic Committee, said that the Olympics will “rebound from crisis”. Okay, I think you’re using the royal “Olympics” there. This guy seems like one of those jittery event planners from 1960s movies, when they couldn’t come right out and say someone was gay, but we knew what was going on.
4. Protesters along the Olympic torch route in Argentina promised “entertaining surprises”. (Cut to doctored photo of people dancing tango with water hoses in their hands.) It was the first ever tango protest.
5. The government is now offering fast-track visas to Cubans with relatives in the States. It used to take three to seven years to process visa applications, but now it will only take months. Um, why haven’t they been doing this before? Why did it take seven years before? Were people just being officially lazy? How do you speed up visa applications? And you know the really pissed people are the ones just getting their visas after seven years. “You mean you could have done this in two months?!”
Thursday, April 10, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
A man who used to be a woman has announced that he’s pregnant. This might be the first time someone’s had pregnancy cravings for pork rinds. The couple’s doctor said: “This is what I consider a normal pregnancy.” Really? What would you consider an abnormal pregnancy? A washing machine?
A man who registered the internet address ‘pizza.com’ in 1994 has sold it for $2.6 million. You know, I did the same thing back then, but I’m still waiting for offers on VCR.com and 24hourojsimpson.com. They really seemed like winners in the 90s.
A restaurant in Germany has replaced waiters with robots on tracks. However, this being Germany, many diners were unaware that the waiters had been replaced.
The Prime Minister of Britain, Gordon Brown, has been criticized for receiving the Olympic torch at his home, though he emphasized that he didn’t hold it. Yeah, that’s the argument my girlfriend used when I caught her with her ex.
Senator Jay Rockefeller said yesterday that John McCain doesn’t understand the lives of ordinary people, which is interesting coming from a guy with the last name ‘Rockefeller’.
The Pulitzer prizes for journalism were given out yesterday. These are always odd, because it’s like: “Yay! We won a big prize for describing that… horrible massacre. Um, cheers?”
There were reports that Jay-Z and Beyonce got married on Friday. The reports breathlessly stated that men in tuxedos were spotted on the roof of the building, though it was later discovered that they were just Secret Service guarding President Bush. Yawn! He is so 2006.
Oil prices rose yet again after employment figures were lower than expected. Apparently not as many people are working, because they can‘t afford to drive there.
Did you know the Olympics has a contact sport this year? Here's some footage of it below. It was Tibet’s first gold medal.
A man who registered the internet address ‘pizza.com’ in 1994 has sold it for $2.6 million. You know, I did the same thing back then, but I’m still waiting for offers on VCR.com and 24hourojsimpson.com. They really seemed like winners in the 90s.
A restaurant in Germany has replaced waiters with robots on tracks. However, this being Germany, many diners were unaware that the waiters had been replaced.
The Prime Minister of Britain, Gordon Brown, has been criticized for receiving the Olympic torch at his home, though he emphasized that he didn’t hold it. Yeah, that’s the argument my girlfriend used when I caught her with her ex.
Senator Jay Rockefeller said yesterday that John McCain doesn’t understand the lives of ordinary people, which is interesting coming from a guy with the last name ‘Rockefeller’.
The Pulitzer prizes for journalism were given out yesterday. These are always odd, because it’s like: “Yay! We won a big prize for describing that… horrible massacre. Um, cheers?”
There were reports that Jay-Z and Beyonce got married on Friday. The reports breathlessly stated that men in tuxedos were spotted on the roof of the building, though it was later discovered that they were just Secret Service guarding President Bush. Yawn! He is so 2006.
Oil prices rose yet again after employment figures were lower than expected. Apparently not as many people are working, because they can‘t afford to drive there.
Did you know the Olympics has a contact sport this year? Here's some footage of it below. It was Tibet’s first gold medal.
4/10
1. In Brazil, people have been flocking to an auction of items owned by a captured drug baron. And this is true, the quickest items to be sold were his underwear. They have apparently, again this is true, achieved a legendary status in the country. That may seem odd, until you discover that the drug baron looked like this. (Show Photoshopped image of his head on the body of a female supermodel in underwear.) No, actually he looks like this. (Switch photo to actual one.) Brazilians have some weird fetishes. Are there lonely guys in Brazil now, strutting around their apartments in that underwear, saying: “Yes! I am the drug baron! Snort cocaine off my genitals! Now that I have the magic underwear, I will rule the underworld!!”
2. How are you going to limit the Iranian role in Iraq? It’s impossible. Iraq is majority Shia and Iran is not only the political leader of the Shia world, but also to a large extent its religious leader. And they‘re right next door! It’s like going to Italy and saying, “We gotta get these people to stop listening to the Pope.”
3. Google and Yahoo are going to share advertising space, in a direct attempt to frustrate Microsoft. A Microsoft spokesman said it “would consolidate over 90% of the search advertising market in Google’s hands. This would make the market far less competitive.” (pause) Microsoft complaining about other companies creating a monopoly. Are they trying to make us angry? Are they trying to make people hate them? Is Microsoft getting its people from the Bush White House?
4. Many Clinton and Obama supporters are saying that they would rather support McCain if their candidate loses. Yeah, and Ann Coulter said that she would support Clinton if McCain got the nomination. Do you really think that’s going to happen? Your bluff’s been called.
5. American Airlines cancelled another 900 flights today after they grounded another 300 planes because of safety concerns. But I’d still rather get on one of those planes than ride with my Aunt Betty.
2. How are you going to limit the Iranian role in Iraq? It’s impossible. Iraq is majority Shia and Iran is not only the political leader of the Shia world, but also to a large extent its religious leader. And they‘re right next door! It’s like going to Italy and saying, “We gotta get these people to stop listening to the Pope.”
3. Google and Yahoo are going to share advertising space, in a direct attempt to frustrate Microsoft. A Microsoft spokesman said it “would consolidate over 90% of the search advertising market in Google’s hands. This would make the market far less competitive.” (pause) Microsoft complaining about other companies creating a monopoly. Are they trying to make us angry? Are they trying to make people hate them? Is Microsoft getting its people from the Bush White House?
4. Many Clinton and Obama supporters are saying that they would rather support McCain if their candidate loses. Yeah, and Ann Coulter said that she would support Clinton if McCain got the nomination. Do you really think that’s going to happen? Your bluff’s been called.
5. American Airlines cancelled another 900 flights today after they grounded another 300 planes because of safety concerns. But I’d still rather get on one of those planes than ride with my Aunt Betty.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
4/9
1. The Prime Minister of Britain, Gordon Brown, has been criticized for receiving the Olympic torch at his home, though he emphasized that he didn’t hold it. Yeah, that’s the argument my girlfriend used when I caught her with her ex.
2. A new study shows that people’s faces can show their sexual preferences. For example, this kind of face implies that a woman likes to be on top. (Show drawn picture of a woman’s face that resembles Hillary Clinton.) And this face is the type that likes being whipped. (Show a face that resembles O’Brien.)
3. The International Monetary Fund predicts that the entire world is going to enter a recession, mainly because of the problems in the U.S. housing market. Great, even more reasons for the world to hate us.
4. In Venezuela, “The Simpsons” has been pulled from morning TV, because it’s considered a corrupting influence on children. Instead, this is true, the TV station is showing episodes of “Baywatch”. Which seems odd, until you realize that traditional Venezuelan culture urges all young girls to get breast implants.
5. Scientists digging at Stonehenge say that they’ve made a breakthrough. Apparently it’s actual name is ‘Rockhenge’.
2. A new study shows that people’s faces can show their sexual preferences. For example, this kind of face implies that a woman likes to be on top. (Show drawn picture of a woman’s face that resembles Hillary Clinton.) And this face is the type that likes being whipped. (Show a face that resembles O’Brien.)
3. The International Monetary Fund predicts that the entire world is going to enter a recession, mainly because of the problems in the U.S. housing market. Great, even more reasons for the world to hate us.
4. In Venezuela, “The Simpsons” has been pulled from morning TV, because it’s considered a corrupting influence on children. Instead, this is true, the TV station is showing episodes of “Baywatch”. Which seems odd, until you realize that traditional Venezuelan culture urges all young girls to get breast implants.
5. Scientists digging at Stonehenge say that they’ve made a breakthrough. Apparently it’s actual name is ‘Rockhenge’.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
4/8
1. Senator Jay Rockefeller said yesterday that John McCain doesn’t understand the lives of ordinary people, which is interesting coming from a guy with the last name ‘Rockefeller’.
2. Hillary Clinton has a new campaign video where she says: “I was raised on pinochle and the American Dream.” So she’s a gambling woman. Maybe that’s why she’s still in the race.
3. A restaurant in Germany has replaced waiters with a series of robots on tracks that serve your food. However, this being Germany, many diners were unaware that the waiters had been replaced. You had to know that if the Japanese didn’t invent this, it would be the Germans.
4. Hundreds are protesting the Olympic torch relay in San Francisco, which is interesting, since San Francisco normally loves a flaming parade.
5. Disney has given previews of the ten animated movies it’s going to release for the next four years. Four years! One of the 2011 movies is about blue-footed newts. What if giant radioactive newts start eating people next year? All that work will be wasted.
2. Hillary Clinton has a new campaign video where she says: “I was raised on pinochle and the American Dream.” So she’s a gambling woman. Maybe that’s why she’s still in the race.
3. A restaurant in Germany has replaced waiters with a series of robots on tracks that serve your food. However, this being Germany, many diners were unaware that the waiters had been replaced. You had to know that if the Japanese didn’t invent this, it would be the Germans.
4. Hundreds are protesting the Olympic torch relay in San Francisco, which is interesting, since San Francisco normally loves a flaming parade.
5. Disney has given previews of the ten animated movies it’s going to release for the next four years. Four years! One of the 2011 movies is about blue-footed newts. What if giant radioactive newts start eating people next year? All that work will be wasted.
Monday, April 7, 2008
4/7
1. Did you know the Olympics has a contact sport this year? Can we show that footage? (Show clip of a protester tackling the torch runner.) It was Tibet’s first gold medal.
2. The Pulitzer prizes for journalism were given out yesterday. These are always odd, because it’s like: “Yay! We won a big prize for describing that… horrible massacre. Um, cheers?”
3. Did you hear about this school bus in Cleveland that went out of control? An 11-year-old student managed to get behind the wheel and steer the bus into a concrete pillar. The police said the kid saved the passengers. You know, that’s what I tried to explain to the cops when I drove into a concrete pillar. ‘Hey, who knows how many people would have died if I’d kept driving?’ But they didn’t see the logic. Maybe I should have had my nephew drive.
4. Many people are apparently voting for Obama because their children have been bugging them to do it. Should presidential campaigns be trying to imitate sugar cereals? Are the campaign brochures going to have colorful mazes on their backs? (sing) “He’s a honey of an O-bama / He’s honey-nut… O-bama!”
5. After trying to stigmatize Obama with rumors of cocaine, it’s ironic that Hillary Clinton’s chief strategist was taken down by connections to Colombia.
2. The Pulitzer prizes for journalism were given out yesterday. These are always odd, because it’s like: “Yay! We won a big prize for describing that… horrible massacre. Um, cheers?”
3. Did you hear about this school bus in Cleveland that went out of control? An 11-year-old student managed to get behind the wheel and steer the bus into a concrete pillar. The police said the kid saved the passengers. You know, that’s what I tried to explain to the cops when I drove into a concrete pillar. ‘Hey, who knows how many people would have died if I’d kept driving?’ But they didn’t see the logic. Maybe I should have had my nephew drive.
4. Many people are apparently voting for Obama because their children have been bugging them to do it. Should presidential campaigns be trying to imitate sugar cereals? Are the campaign brochures going to have colorful mazes on their backs? (sing) “He’s a honey of an O-bama / He’s honey-nut… O-bama!”
5. After trying to stigmatize Obama with rumors of cocaine, it’s ironic that Hillary Clinton’s chief strategist was taken down by connections to Colombia.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
4/5
1. Opposition leaders in Zimbabwe say that President Mugabe is “preparing for a poll war”. The last “poll war”, of course, was between the Scores and Gallagher’s strip clubs here in New York. And the winner of that one was… me. (Do pole dance.)
2. There were reports that Jay-Z and Beyonce got married on Friday. The reports breathlessly stated that men in tuxedos were spotted on the roof of the building, though it was later discovered that they were just Secret Service guarding President Bush. Yawn! He is so 2006.
3. AT&T and Verizon say that they are going to offer more “open” networks, though they didn’t say what exactly “open” meant. Maybe it refers to our wallets. A Verizon spokesman said, “We want to get people to close their eyes and imagine all the possibilities…” so we can pick your pockets without you seeing us.
4. Speaking in Croatia, President Bush said that “there are many people who don’t appear to understand why it takes so long to build a democracy.” He went on to add, “For example, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney… me.”
5. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama crossed paths at a dinner in Montana on Saturday. How they got inside Hannah Montana is anyone’s guess.
2. There were reports that Jay-Z and Beyonce got married on Friday. The reports breathlessly stated that men in tuxedos were spotted on the roof of the building, though it was later discovered that they were just Secret Service guarding President Bush. Yawn! He is so 2006.
3. AT&T and Verizon say that they are going to offer more “open” networks, though they didn’t say what exactly “open” meant. Maybe it refers to our wallets. A Verizon spokesman said, “We want to get people to close their eyes and imagine all the possibilities…” so we can pick your pockets without you seeing us.
4. Speaking in Croatia, President Bush said that “there are many people who don’t appear to understand why it takes so long to build a democracy.” He went on to add, “For example, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney… me.”
5. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama crossed paths at a dinner in Montana on Saturday. How they got inside Hannah Montana is anyone’s guess.
Friday, April 4, 2008
4/4
1. A man who used to be a woman has announced that he’s pregnant. This might be the first time someone’s had pregnancy cravings for pork rinds. The couple’s doctor said: “This is what I consider a normal pregnancy.” Really? What would you consider an abnormal pregnancy? A washing machine?
2. A man who registered the internet address ‘pizza.com’ in 1994 has sold it for $2.6 million. You know, I did the same thing back then, but I’m still waiting for offers on VCR.com and 24hourojsimpson.com. They really seemed like winners in the 90s.
3. Oil prices rose yet again after employment figures were lower than expected. Apparently not as many people are working, because they can‘t afford to drive there.
4. Bill Clinton has announced that he’s made nearly $30 million from his two books: “My Life” and “Giving”. Apparently the title of the last book describes the money that people gave him for the book.
5. People in London may have to pay $50 a day to drive in the city. Although these days, that translates into something like the price of a sandwich there.
2. A man who registered the internet address ‘pizza.com’ in 1994 has sold it for $2.6 million. You know, I did the same thing back then, but I’m still waiting for offers on VCR.com and 24hourojsimpson.com. They really seemed like winners in the 90s.
3. Oil prices rose yet again after employment figures were lower than expected. Apparently not as many people are working, because they can‘t afford to drive there.
4. Bill Clinton has announced that he’s made nearly $30 million from his two books: “My Life” and “Giving”. Apparently the title of the last book describes the money that people gave him for the book.
5. People in London may have to pay $50 a day to drive in the city. Although these days, that translates into something like the price of a sandwich there.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
A woman in New York City has found her kidnapped son through MySpace. This is apparently the first time MySpace has hooked a kid up with his legal guardian.
A judge in Pennsylvania has told three Spanish-speaking muggers that if they learn English, they won’t have to go to jail. The judge said he wanted them to have the necessary language skills to rob anyone in America.
A new study says that extremely overweight middle-aged people are three times more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Apparently, the first sign is forgetting what your feet look like.
A new study shows that binge drinking damages memory. Thank god! If it didn’t, there wouldn’t be much reason to binge drink.
Senator Hillary Clinton is now comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but you know, the first time Rocky tries to win the title, he loses.
This year, global temperatures will be affected by La Nina, which is when the central Pacific Ocean cools down. Luckily, John McCain is going swimming there soon, which should lift the temperatures back up.
A letter written by Lincoln sold for a record $3.4 million. It was a response to 195 children who asked him to free all the little slave children. Lincoln’s beautiful and resounding prose can basically be summed up as: “No, but thanks for writing.”
A poll by the BBC shows that people around the world are feeling more positive about the United States these days. Before you get too excited, though, they may be just feeling sorry for us.
It has now been 15 years since the word “spam” was invented. To let people know about the occasion, anti-spam groups sent out mass e-mails.
For the first time, the Army is allowing married couples to live and sleep together in a war zone. But doesn’t that already describe a lot of marriages?
A new study shows that pairs of crows can work together to solve problems that can’t be solved by just one crow. Which puts crows at the same level as chimpanzees, and slightly higher than the Democratic Party.
Aloha Airlines wants to declare bankruptcy. Good thing ‘aloha’ means both hello AND good-bye.
Researchers have uncovered the oldest known recording of a human voice. The French folk melody was sung 150 years ago during a high school performance by John McCain.
On Saturday, cities around the world will black out for one hour to highlight the threat of global warming. It’s called Earth Hour. We already had Earth Day, now Earth Hour, so how about Earth Second? It will symbolize how long each year that President Bush thinks about the Earth.
A judge in Pennsylvania has told three Spanish-speaking muggers that if they learn English, they won’t have to go to jail. The judge said he wanted them to have the necessary language skills to rob anyone in America.
A new study says that extremely overweight middle-aged people are three times more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Apparently, the first sign is forgetting what your feet look like.
A new study shows that binge drinking damages memory. Thank god! If it didn’t, there wouldn’t be much reason to binge drink.
Senator Hillary Clinton is now comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but you know, the first time Rocky tries to win the title, he loses.
This year, global temperatures will be affected by La Nina, which is when the central Pacific Ocean cools down. Luckily, John McCain is going swimming there soon, which should lift the temperatures back up.
A letter written by Lincoln sold for a record $3.4 million. It was a response to 195 children who asked him to free all the little slave children. Lincoln’s beautiful and resounding prose can basically be summed up as: “No, but thanks for writing.”
A poll by the BBC shows that people around the world are feeling more positive about the United States these days. Before you get too excited, though, they may be just feeling sorry for us.
It has now been 15 years since the word “spam” was invented. To let people know about the occasion, anti-spam groups sent out mass e-mails.
For the first time, the Army is allowing married couples to live and sleep together in a war zone. But doesn’t that already describe a lot of marriages?
A new study shows that pairs of crows can work together to solve problems that can’t be solved by just one crow. Which puts crows at the same level as chimpanzees, and slightly higher than the Democratic Party.
Aloha Airlines wants to declare bankruptcy. Good thing ‘aloha’ means both hello AND good-bye.
Researchers have uncovered the oldest known recording of a human voice. The French folk melody was sung 150 years ago during a high school performance by John McCain.
On Saturday, cities around the world will black out for one hour to highlight the threat of global warming. It’s called Earth Hour. We already had Earth Day, now Earth Hour, so how about Earth Second? It will symbolize how long each year that President Bush thinks about the Earth.
4/3
1. This year, global temperatures will be affected by La Nina, which is when the central Pacific Ocean cools down. Luckily, John McCain is going swimming there soon, which should lift the temperatures back up. He’s a fiery guy!
2. A letter written by Lincoln sold for a record $3.4 million. It was a response to 195 children who asked him to free all the little slave children. Lincoln’s beautiful and resounding prose can basically be summed up as: “No, but thanks for writing.”
3. Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer on a plane. A spokesperson for Campbell said, and I quote: “Once on the plane she was told one bag could not be found and was missing. British Airways decided to resolve this by insisting she leave the flight and then called the police to forcibly eject her.” You know, I think you might be leaving something out. I’ve never had a flight attendant tell me: “Excuse me, sir, um, we seem to have lost one of your bags. NOW GET THE HELL OFF OUR PLANE!”
4. In Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has announced the nationalization of the country’s cement industry. The plan is a little watery now, but Chavez’s opponents are worried that once it solidifies, it will be hard to break.
5. A new study shows that binge drinking damages memory. Thank god! If it didn’t, there wouldn’t be much reason to binge drink.
2. A letter written by Lincoln sold for a record $3.4 million. It was a response to 195 children who asked him to free all the little slave children. Lincoln’s beautiful and resounding prose can basically be summed up as: “No, but thanks for writing.”
3. Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer on a plane. A spokesperson for Campbell said, and I quote: “Once on the plane she was told one bag could not be found and was missing. British Airways decided to resolve this by insisting she leave the flight and then called the police to forcibly eject her.” You know, I think you might be leaving something out. I’ve never had a flight attendant tell me: “Excuse me, sir, um, we seem to have lost one of your bags. NOW GET THE HELL OFF OUR PLANE!”
4. In Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has announced the nationalization of the country’s cement industry. The plan is a little watery now, but Chavez’s opponents are worried that once it solidifies, it will be hard to break.
5. A new study shows that binge drinking damages memory. Thank god! If it didn’t, there wouldn’t be much reason to binge drink.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
4/2
1. Senator Hillary Clinton is now comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but you know, the first time Rocky tries to win the title, he loses.
2. A poll by the BBC shows that people around the world are feeling more positive about the United States these days. Before you get too excited, though, they may be just feeling sorry for us.
3. A necklace found in Peru has been declared the oldest known gold object ever made in the Americas. The second oldest is a filling in the mouth of John McCain.
4. The Bush White House is going to waive several land-management laws for the new fence being built on the border with Mexico. For example, laws about how to manage the land that piles up when people tunnel under the fence.
5. A new study shows that kids at urban schools are less likely to graduate. But Keith Urban still insists that his schools are good.
2. A poll by the BBC shows that people around the world are feeling more positive about the United States these days. Before you get too excited, though, they may be just feeling sorry for us.
3. A necklace found in Peru has been declared the oldest known gold object ever made in the Americas. The second oldest is a filling in the mouth of John McCain.
4. The Bush White House is going to waive several land-management laws for the new fence being built on the border with Mexico. For example, laws about how to manage the land that piles up when people tunnel under the fence.
5. A new study shows that kids at urban schools are less likely to graduate. But Keith Urban still insists that his schools are good.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
4/1
1. It has now been 15 years since the word “spam” was invented. To let people know about the occasion, anti-spam groups sent out mass e-mails.
2. An airline in Ireland paid 172 people to fly on one of its planes, in order to meet the minimum passenger requirements at an airport. The passengers also got free in-flight entertainment. I’m assuming the entertainment was making fun of people on the flight who bought tickets.
3. India is going to stop charging people to import crude edible oils. The makers of Twinkies were ecstatic.
4. For the first time, the Army is allowing married couples to live and sleep together in a war zone. But doesn’t that already describe a lot of marriages?
5. The Chinese government said that recent U.S. accusations of spying were groundless and “Cold War thinking”. The message was delivered on the body of a dead Tibetan. “See,” said China, “it’s not a ‘cold’ war.”
2. An airline in Ireland paid 172 people to fly on one of its planes, in order to meet the minimum passenger requirements at an airport. The passengers also got free in-flight entertainment. I’m assuming the entertainment was making fun of people on the flight who bought tickets.
3. India is going to stop charging people to import crude edible oils. The makers of Twinkies were ecstatic.
4. For the first time, the Army is allowing married couples to live and sleep together in a war zone. But doesn’t that already describe a lot of marriages?
5. The Chinese government said that recent U.S. accusations of spying were groundless and “Cold War thinking”. The message was delivered on the body of a dead Tibetan. “See,” said China, “it’s not a ‘cold’ war.”
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