BEST OF THE WEEK

More than 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton’s schedules as First Lady have now been released. Here’s a sample from February 16th, 1995: 9AM -- Meet with insipid wives of other national leaders. Grit teeth and pretend that being First Lady is the best job in the world. 10AM -- Sit in Oval Office and daydream. 10:30AM -- Have brain microchips recharged and oil changed. 11AM -- Meet spunky young lawyer from Chicago named Barack Obama. Encourage him to follow his dreams.

Friday was Pi Day, the official day celebrating the number pi, and man, I thought it would never end.

Mexican drug gangs are using James Bond-like SUVS that have smoke screens and can spray spikes on the road. So how did police capture one of these high-tech vehicles? It was abandoned after being rammed into a truck. You know the inventor was so sad. “You rammed a truck with it?! You could do that with any car!” This is how parents feel on Christmas when their kid plays with the box.

On the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, President Bush said “no one would argue that this war has not come at a high cost in lives and treasure.” Treasure? Is this the 18th century? This is why he wants to keep the tax cuts -- he thinks we’re just digging the money up. He’s telling his people, “I saw some guys on the Discovery channel that were finding shipwrecks. Maybe we can hire them.”

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, or as they call it in Ireland, “Monday”. A lot of green on Wall Street today. Not because of St. Patrick’s Day, but just the looks of nausea on people’s faces. The Federal Reserve is trying everything to get stocks back on track. It’s like they’re searching for Wall Street’s clitoris. Wall Street is like: “Oh yes, yes, almost, almost, no, no, noooo, okay try over there, okay, yes, yes…” And the Federal Reserve is thinking: “Maybe Wall Street will come if we use whipped cream and a gimp mask…”

Methane gas has been found on a planet outside the solar system for the first time, meaning that fart jokes may be universal.

Paul McCartney’s divorce was settled today. His ex-wife Heather Mills is upset, because after schooling and other expenses, their four year old daughter is ‘only’ getting about $50,000 a year. Excuse me, but she is FOUR YEARS OLD! That’s a pretty good allowance. How could a four-year-old spend $50,000 in a year? A SpongeBob SquarePants made from solid gold? Caviar Pixie Stix?

John McCain is making an unannounced visit to Iraq this week, because he has to do something to get Clinton and Obama off the front pages. Next week, he plans to make the world’s largest ball of twine.

Rising prices have caused a lot of tense moments at bread shops in Egypt -- the worst bakery riots since Krispy Kreme opened in Cleveland.

Two astronauts had to remove a robot arm with a crowbar this weekend. Do space shuttles normally come with crowbars? Do they have duct tape too? I wouldn’t trust a space station with a crowbar, the same way I don’t trust dentist offices with hammers.

Iranians voted this weekend in a tough contest between religious hard-liners and… military hard-liners. Or to put it another way, one side wants death to all Western infidels, but the other only wants death to most Western infidels.

A new government report says that half of all eighth-graders have serious problems with fractions, and we also need to help the other two-thirds.

The internet website Google recently let reporters and cameras into its new European headquarters. They thought that it was only fair after taking pictures of the rest of us.

For the first time, ordinary Cubans will be allowed to own DVD players and computers. No air conditioners until 2009 though, so they’re just going to have to sweat through that porn. Car alarms will also finally be allowed this year, which is, um, a great step… forward?

In India, Richard Gere was found not guilty of obscenity, after he embraced and kissed a Bollywood film actress in public. Gere said the charges were frivolous because “I’m not even into women. Whoops. Did I just say that?”