3/15

1. A new government report says that half of all eighth-graders have serious problems with fractions, and we also need to help the other two-thirds.

2. Barack Obama has now listed all of his earmarks and wants Hillary Clinton to list hers too. Obama’s earmarks include one in each lobe [touch ears], and one on the top of the left ear. Clinton’s piercings extend a bit further from what I hear… [slide hand down torso]

3. The internet website Google recently let reporters and cameras into its new European headquarters. They thought that it was only fair after taking pictures of the rest of us.

4. Federal prosecutors are now asking former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer about car services that he used. Is he having sex with cars now? Those chrome tail pipes can be tempting.

5. Florida now has a plan to re-do its Democratic primary. Let me guess, the candidate currently in the lead isn’t going to want to count the votes in Florida, and the one behind is going to. Where have we seen this before, hmm? It’s on the tip of my tongue… And Republicans are arguing about whether Rush Limbaugh is out of control. This is all like Britney Spears fans debating if Michael Jackson is crazy.