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1. British military commandos in Norway were arrested for urinating on each other. If they were in Germany, they’d be getting bonuses.

2. Environmentalists have been throwing acid at whaling ships, and the whalers are upset, because it stings when it gets in their eyes. Yeah, you know what else stings when it gets in your eyes? Harpoons. I hear those are killers.

3. Thousands of huge bats have invaded a park in Australia. They’re breaking branches and poisoning the ground with their droppings. Sounds like an outdoor Grateful Dead concert.

4. Thousands of sentences for crack addicts may soon be reduced. Many are eager to get out, since most of the VCRs they stole have been replaced with DVD players.

5. A court in Iran has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised her when they married, although he claims that he never promised her a rose garden.