3/22

1. Saudi Arabia is going to retrain 40,000 religious leaders to encourage moderation and tolerance -- by banning opinions that it doesn’t like.

2. A member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, the group that kidnapped Patty Hearst back in the 1970s, has been released from prison. However, she won’t leave, because she sympathizes with the guards now.

3. A new study shows that people who have phantom pain in lost limbs can feel better by just watching another person rub their hands together. It’s like how officials at the White House get President Bush to make decisions by rubbing a brain in front of him.

4. Emirates Airlines will now allow passengers to make cell phone calls on flights. Wow, that sounds like a great reason to never fly Emirates Airlines. I think they’re just doing it to sell more headphones to the people not using cell phones. The airline says it has a system that makes sure calls don’t interfere with the plane’s electronics. How’d you like to be on that first flight? “Um, you know, I don’t really want to risk messing with the plane’s electronics, thank you. Listening to little Billy sing the Alphabet Song can wait until I land in two hours.”

5. A court in California says that Starbucks will have to pay its servers more than $100 million dollars in back tips. How about giving a little of that to us? Maybe reducing prices?