3/29

1. Researchers have uncovered the oldest known recording of a human voice. The French folk melody was sung 150 years ago during a high school performance by John McCain.

2. Scientists building the world’s biggest particle collider are being sued, because some believe it may cause never-before-seen forces that will destroy the planet. It’s like what people are afraid might happen in the Democratic Party if Obama and Clinton keep fighting at the convention. There was a similar fear when John McCain appeared with Mitt Romney at a fundraiser on Thursday. But luckily the two didn’t actually touch each other. That explosion could have killed us all.

3. The Pentagon has ordered a full inventory of its nuclear weapons. Why? Because it just found out that in 2006, instead of sending helicopter batteries to Taiwan, we sent NUCLEAR FUSE TRIGGERS. China expressed its “strong displeasure”. Well mark the day on your calendar, because I agree with the Chinese government. How the hell does a mistake like that happen? ‘Yeah, just the other day, a friend asked me to pass the salt, and silly me, I gave him a box of ravenous weasels.’

4. A new study shows that people have more sensitive senses of smell during times of danger. This is why I freak out at the smell of leather in summer.

5. On Saturday, cities around the world will black out for one hour to highlight the threat of global warming. It’s called Earth Hour. We already had Earth Day, now Earth Hour, so how about Earth Second? It will symbolize how long each year that President Bush thinks about the Earth.