BEST OF THE WEEK

Environmentalists have been throwing acid at whaling ships, and the whalers are upset, because it stings when it gets in their eyes. Yeah, you know what else stings when it gets in your eyes? Harpoons. I hear those are killers.

Jack Nicholson is starring in an internet video supporting Hillary Clinton for president. The video has already helped her pull some of the insane vote away from Ralph Nader.

Gary Gygax = 0 hit points. The creator of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons has died at the age of 69, which is ironic, since no Dungeons & Dragons player has ever gotten a woman to do 69.

The music mogul behind boy bands like ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys has pleaded guilty to financial fraud. Still no word on the fraud suit from people who bought his albums after being told they were actually music.

President Bush has now backed Senator John McCain for president. Good timing! I hear Bush is also backing the New York Giants for the last Super Bowl.

A new scientific study claims that depression is good for you. But I just can’t get excited about it.

British military commandos in Norway were arrested for urinating on each other. If they were in Germany, they’d be getting bonuses.

Thousands of huge bats have invaded a park in Australia. They’re breaking branches and poisoning the ground with their droppings. Sounds like an outdoor Grateful Dead concert.

Thousands of sentences for crack addicts may soon be reduced. Many are eager to get out, since most of the VCRs they stole have been replaced with DVD players.

A court in Iran has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised her when they married, although he claims that he never promised her a rose garden.

Election monitors in Russia say the ruling party used cheap food, free movie tickets, and toys to bribe voters. Are Russian voters all twelve years old? Movie tickets and toys? Sounds like the election at my junior high school. “Vote for Putin and Get Free Pizza and a Swirly Pen!”

There were a record 11.7 million cosmetic surgeries and procedures last year, about 11 million of which were performed on Kenny Rogers.

A new documentary claims that the Hells Angels took a boat to Mick Jagger‘s home to kill him, but were stopped when a storm knocked them all overboard. They were ashamed to try again, because it was the first time in ten years that they’d had a bath.

A new study says that snowflakes may contain bacteria. So remember to use a condom when you sleep with snowmen.

The classic internet browser Netscape Navigator is disappearing for good. I think one of its big problems is that it’s owned by AOL. That’s like a pager company being run by an 8-track company. Or like Hillary Clinton taking over Barack Obama’s campaign.