3/18

1. Today is St. Patrick’s Day, or as they call it in Ireland, “Monday”. A lot of green on Wall Street today. Not because of St. Patrick’s Day, but just the looks of nausea on people’s faces. The Federal Reserve is trying everything to get stocks back on track. It’s like they’re searching for Wall Street’s clitoris. Wall Street is like: “Oh yes, yes, almost, almost, no, no, noooo, okay try over there, okay, yes, yes…” And the Federal Reserve is thinking: “Maybe Wall Street will come if we use whipped cream and a gimp mask…”

2. Paul McCartney’s divorce was settled today. His ex-wife Heather Mills is upset, because after schooling and other expenses, their four year old daughter is ‘only’ getting about $50,000 a year. Excuse me, but she is FOUR YEARS OLD! That’s a pretty good allowance. How could a four-year-old spend $50,000 in a year? A SpongeBob SquarePants made from solid gold? Caviar Pixie Stix?

3. Rising prices have caused a lot of tense moments at bread shops in Egypt -- the worst bakery riots since Krispy Kreme opened in Cleveland.

4. John McCain is making an unannounced visit to Iraq this week, because he has to do something to get Clinton and Obama off the front pages. Next week, he plans to make the world’s largest ball of twine.

5. To celebrate the peace between Venezuela and Colombia, there is going to be a huge music festival on their border. Man, Latin Americans will take any excuse to party. There wasn’t even a war - there was just the threat of a war. Imagine if there had actually been a war. People up in Canada would be complaining about the noise. And we know they have the coffee and cocaine for staying up late.