1. Election monitors in Russia say the ruling party used cheap food, free movie tickets, and toys to bribe voters. Are Russian voters all twelve years old? Movie tickets and toys? Sounds like the election at my junior high school. “Vote for Putin and Get Free Pizza and a Swirly Pen!”
2. There were a record 11.7 million cosmetic surgeries and procedures last year, about 11 million of which were performed on Kenny Rogers.
3. A new documentary claims that the Hells Angels took a boat to Mick Jagger‘s home to kill him, but were stopped when a storm knocked them all overboard. They were ashamed to try again, because it was the first time in ten years that they’d had a bath.
4. A new study says that snowflakes may contain bacteria. So remember to use a condom when you sleep with snowmen.
5. A ‘living goddess’ in Nepal has retired from her ritual duties, even though she’s only eleven years old. That’s the price for being adopted by Angelina Jolie.
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