BEST OF THE WEEK

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer paid $4,000 for one prostitute. I’m not upset about the sex part -- I’m upset that he’s obviously not a fiscal conservative! For that much money, you could hire a whole village of Thai hookers. Though of course, Spitzer didn’t want to transfer jobs overseas. He kept those jobs in America -- specifically handjobs, blowjobs, and rimjobs.

Spitzer didn’t admit to any allegations on Monday -- he merely said that he had failed in his obligations to his family. What, did they want hookers too?

At the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Justin Timberlake called Britney Spears a Madonna wannabe. No, at this point, she’s more like a Vincent Van Gogh wannabe.

Billy Crystal is going to play with the New York Yankees for one day. Man, they’re really looking for any way to beat the Red Sox, aren’t they?

In 2002, Time Magazine named New York Governor Eliot Spitzer “Crusader of the Year”. This year, I hear he’s in the running for “Cruiser of the Year”.

Some media say the whole Spitzer thing could be bad for Hillary Clinton, since he’s one of her big supporters. But I don‘t think so, because now she has something to talk about with Mrs. Spitzer.

President Bush has vetoed a bill that would have banned the form of torture known as ‘waterboarding’. Maybe the reason he doesn’t mind it so much is that it sounds like something fun. “What did you do this weekend?” “Oh, went to the beach, did a little waterboarding.” Maybe they just need to redefine torture as an extreme sport. That guy isn’t just getting hung by his arms for hours -- he’s doing ‘extreme yoga’. That prisoner isn’t sleep deprived -- he’s ’Ultra-Awake’!

Senator Barack Obama has won the Democratic caucus in Wyoming, largely on his promise that he would use his ears to provide the state with wind power.

A senior aide to Barack Obama has resigned after calling Hillary Clinton a monster. The comment makes more sense though, when you find out that the Obama aide is five years old and afraid of robots.

The central bank in Ethiopia has discovered that much of its gold may be fake. The first suspicions occurred after the bank’s Nigerian gold dealer was also found selling “Rolex” watches. Luckily, he has a plan to make the money back through some sort of e-mail campaign.

And on the international market, gold has hit $1000 an ounce for the first time, which means that an ounce of gold can now almost fill up your gas tank.

The Environmental Protection Agency is lowering the amount of smog-causing ground-level ozone permitted. So we have too much ozone down here… and not enough of it up there… If only we could find a way to switch it around. The EPA plan consists of sending hundreds of people out into the smog and spraying aerosol cans. This also kills my plan to only go suntanning on smoggy days.

A new study says that men are jealous of other men who are attractive, rich, or strong. Really? I thought they’d be most jealous about whether someone was funny.

Clinton and Obama were campaigning heavily in Wyoming for that state’s caucus on Saturday. All five of Wyoming’s Democrats are expected to vote.

At a summit of Latin American leaders, Hugo Chavez reportedly said: “People should go cool off a bit.” You know you’re being hotheaded when Hugo Chavez says you should cool off. That’s like Amy Winehouse saying you’re hitting the crack pipe a little too hard.

An Irish bar in Manhattan is going to ban the song “Danny Boy” for the entire month of March. The owner of the bar says the song is just too depressing. It’s like at Obama headquarters, no one’s allowed to play that old Hall & Oates song: “She’s a maneater…”

A Google spokesman said yesterday that entering a military base, taking detailed photographs, and then putting them on the internet was “a mistake”. I wish I could use that excuse. “Oh honey, I didn’t think you’d mind when I put your naked pictures on the internet. I was just trying to show our bedroom.”

The German president wants a new highest medal for soldiers, but doesn’t want to bring back the Iron Cross. Iron. Other countries have gold or silver, but the Germans are very practical -- iron. The Green Party wants it to be the Aluminum Cross Made From Recycled Cans. There was also some support for a Sausage Cross, but it sounds too much like a local S&M routine.