1. A new study shows that pairs of crows can work together to solve problems that can’t be solved by just one crow. Which puts crows at the same level as chimpanzees and slightly higher than the Democratic Party.
2. Steve Avery, a hockey star with the New York Rangers, had his cell phone number in the little black book of a woman being charged with running a prostitution ring. Apparently, he was a little too literal about being a ‘ranger’. Anyone want to play ‘slap the puck’?
3. Aloha Airlines wants to declare bankruptcy. Good thing ‘aloha’ means both hello AND good-bye.
4. Hillary Clinton has rejected calls to abandon her campaign. Bill Clinton said: “Everywhere I go, all these working people say, ‘Don’t you dare let her drop out - don’t listen to those people in Washington.’” Um, are you only listening to people at your rallies? That’s like doing a survey of cows to see if McDonald’s should be shut down.
5. Oregon is going to run a lottery to win free health insurance. Gives new meaning to the phrase “dropping out of the competition”, doesn’t it?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
3/29
1. Researchers have uncovered the oldest known recording of a human voice. The French folk melody was sung 150 years ago during a high school performance by John McCain.
2. Scientists building the world’s biggest particle collider are being sued, because some believe it may cause never-before-seen forces that will destroy the planet. It’s like what people are afraid might happen in the Democratic Party if Obama and Clinton keep fighting at the convention. There was a similar fear when John McCain appeared with Mitt Romney at a fundraiser on Thursday. But luckily the two didn’t actually touch each other. That explosion could have killed us all.
3. The Pentagon has ordered a full inventory of its nuclear weapons. Why? Because it just found out that in 2006, instead of sending helicopter batteries to Taiwan, we sent NUCLEAR FUSE TRIGGERS. China expressed its “strong displeasure”. Well mark the day on your calendar, because I agree with the Chinese government. How the hell does a mistake like that happen? ‘Yeah, just the other day, a friend asked me to pass the salt, and silly me, I gave him a box of ravenous weasels.’
4. A new study shows that people have more sensitive senses of smell during times of danger. This is why I freak out at the smell of leather in summer.
5. On Saturday, cities around the world will black out for one hour to highlight the threat of global warming. It’s called Earth Hour. We already had Earth Day, now Earth Hour, so how about Earth Second? It will symbolize how long each year that President Bush thinks about the Earth.
2. Scientists building the world’s biggest particle collider are being sued, because some believe it may cause never-before-seen forces that will destroy the planet. It’s like what people are afraid might happen in the Democratic Party if Obama and Clinton keep fighting at the convention. There was a similar fear when John McCain appeared with Mitt Romney at a fundraiser on Thursday. But luckily the two didn’t actually touch each other. That explosion could have killed us all.
3. The Pentagon has ordered a full inventory of its nuclear weapons. Why? Because it just found out that in 2006, instead of sending helicopter batteries to Taiwan, we sent NUCLEAR FUSE TRIGGERS. China expressed its “strong displeasure”. Well mark the day on your calendar, because I agree with the Chinese government. How the hell does a mistake like that happen? ‘Yeah, just the other day, a friend asked me to pass the salt, and silly me, I gave him a box of ravenous weasels.’
4. A new study shows that people have more sensitive senses of smell during times of danger. This is why I freak out at the smell of leather in summer.
5. On Saturday, cities around the world will black out for one hour to highlight the threat of global warming. It’s called Earth Hour. We already had Earth Day, now Earth Hour, so how about Earth Second? It will symbolize how long each year that President Bush thinks about the Earth.
Friday, March 28, 2008
3/28
1. A woman in New York City has found her kidnapped son through MySpace. This is apparently the first time MySpace has hooked a kid up with his legal guardian.
2. A judge in Pennsylvania has told three Spanish-speaking muggers that if they learn English, they won’t have to go to jail. The judge said he wanted them to have the necessary language skills to rob anyone in America.
3. A new study says that extremely overweight middle-aged people are three times more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Apparently, the first sign is forgetting what your feet look like.
4. Leona Lewis has become the first British woman in 20 years to have a number one single in America. The last British woman to snag a number one American single was Julie Andrews when she married Blake Edwards.
5. New research shows that people’s first names can have a strong impact on how the world sees them. For example, James and Elizabeth are associated with success. God help all the little Britneys out there.
2. A judge in Pennsylvania has told three Spanish-speaking muggers that if they learn English, they won’t have to go to jail. The judge said he wanted them to have the necessary language skills to rob anyone in America.
3. A new study says that extremely overweight middle-aged people are three times more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Apparently, the first sign is forgetting what your feet look like.
4. Leona Lewis has become the first British woman in 20 years to have a number one single in America. The last British woman to snag a number one American single was Julie Andrews when she married Blake Edwards.
5. New research shows that people’s first names can have a strong impact on how the world sees them. For example, James and Elizabeth are associated with success. God help all the little Britneys out there.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Officials in the Philippines are warning that taking part in crucifixions may be hazardous to your health. Oh really? Yeah, I seem to recall hearing that it was pretty bad for at least one guy about two thousand years ago. When he heard the warning, Eliot Spitzer took down the cross he had put up in front of the New York Post.
Dick Cheney met the king of Saudi Arabia to talk about the oil market, and then as an afterthought, the nuclear threat of Iran. Shouldn’t Iran be first on the agenda? Are you ever going to have a conversation with your neighbor like: “Hey, Bill, gas prices are really getting crazy, huh?” “Oh yeah, I can’t believe it.” “Man, me neither. Say, do you think we should do something about that guy over there with the flamethrower?”
A new study shows that happy married people have lower blood pressure than unhappy married people. Well, of course, after so much blood has come out of the stab wounds.
Saudi Arabia is going to retrain 40,000 religious leaders to encourage moderation and tolerance -- by banning opinions that it doesn’t like.
The head of the International Olympic Committee said that he is engaged in “silent diplomacy” with China about human rights, because money passing under tables doesn‘t make any noise.
Hillary Clinton said she was under sniper fire in Bosnia, but videos showed her relaxing and being greeted by children. She now says that she made a mistake. I understand. Like I was talking about this one dangerous night I had, with knives flashing, food forced down my throat, being pelted with hard objects. Then I remembered it was my wedding.
In Canada, free speech advocates are worried about religious groups using human rights committees to sue reporters. Some are worried that the committees might be used by cults, like Scientology or Barack Obama’s campaign.
Dick Cheney met the king of Saudi Arabia to talk about the oil market, and then as an afterthought, the nuclear threat of Iran. Shouldn’t Iran be first on the agenda? Are you ever going to have a conversation with your neighbor like: “Hey, Bill, gas prices are really getting crazy, huh?” “Oh yeah, I can’t believe it.” “Man, me neither. Say, do you think we should do something about that guy over there with the flamethrower?”
A new study shows that happy married people have lower blood pressure than unhappy married people. Well, of course, after so much blood has come out of the stab wounds.
Saudi Arabia is going to retrain 40,000 religious leaders to encourage moderation and tolerance -- by banning opinions that it doesn’t like.
The head of the International Olympic Committee said that he is engaged in “silent diplomacy” with China about human rights, because money passing under tables doesn‘t make any noise.
Hillary Clinton said she was under sniper fire in Bosnia, but videos showed her relaxing and being greeted by children. She now says that she made a mistake. I understand. Like I was talking about this one dangerous night I had, with knives flashing, food forced down my throat, being pelted with hard objects. Then I remembered it was my wedding.
In Canada, free speech advocates are worried about religious groups using human rights committees to sue reporters. Some are worried that the committees might be used by cults, like Scientology or Barack Obama’s campaign.
3/27
1. North Korea has expelled most of the South Korean managers from a jointly run industrial park on the border. The park has been matching cheap North Korean labor with South Korean money and management. For example, the factory pays in hopes, dreams, and feral cats.
2. Some Korean missionaries in Cambodia are offering karate classes followed by hymns and a sermons. They call it the “contact point” method of conversion, apparently as in the point where the fist contacts with the face.
3. The Indian car company Tata has just bought Jaguar and Land Rover, because they’re into tropical cats and refugees.
4. The space shuttle just landed in Florida. The crew helped build a Canadian robot. A Canadian robot - isn’t that an oxymoron?
5. The makers of the online game World of Warcraft are suing one of its players for creating software that can play the game automatically. Apparently, an employee of the company and an “unnamed private investigator” suddenly showed up at the software maker’s house. The man attempted to use his Mythic Laser Battleaxe, but you know, it was really just a broom, so the P.I. was able to deflect it.
2. Some Korean missionaries in Cambodia are offering karate classes followed by hymns and a sermons. They call it the “contact point” method of conversion, apparently as in the point where the fist contacts with the face.
3. The Indian car company Tata has just bought Jaguar and Land Rover, because they’re into tropical cats and refugees.
4. The space shuttle just landed in Florida. The crew helped build a Canadian robot. A Canadian robot - isn’t that an oxymoron?
5. The makers of the online game World of Warcraft are suing one of its players for creating software that can play the game automatically. Apparently, an employee of the company and an “unnamed private investigator” suddenly showed up at the software maker’s house. The man attempted to use his Mythic Laser Battleaxe, but you know, it was really just a broom, so the P.I. was able to deflect it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
3/26
1. In Japan, special ‘manner police’ will be going around the subways, telling people to turn down their headphones, not put on make-up, and not talk loudly on cell phones. Man, in the United States, people do all those at the same time - while driving.
2. Hillary Clinton said she was under sniper fire in Bosnia, but videos showed her relaxing and being greeted by children. She now says that she made a mistake. I understand. Like I was talking about this one dangerous night I had, with knives flashing, food forced down my throat, being pelted with hard objects. Then I remembered it was my wedding.
3. Indonesia has made it illegal to look at any internet sites with overly sexual material. So they won’t be able to look up anything about the governor of New York for awhile.
4. In Canada, free speech advocates are worried about religious groups using human rights committees to sue reporters. Some are worried that the committees might be used by cults, like Scientology or Barack Obama’s campaign.
5. A new study has revealed that Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt, while Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. How long before the campaign is known as “Hillarack”?
2. Hillary Clinton said she was under sniper fire in Bosnia, but videos showed her relaxing and being greeted by children. She now says that she made a mistake. I understand. Like I was talking about this one dangerous night I had, with knives flashing, food forced down my throat, being pelted with hard objects. Then I remembered it was my wedding.
3. Indonesia has made it illegal to look at any internet sites with overly sexual material. So they won’t be able to look up anything about the governor of New York for awhile.
4. In Canada, free speech advocates are worried about religious groups using human rights committees to sue reporters. Some are worried that the committees might be used by cults, like Scientology or Barack Obama’s campaign.
5. A new study has revealed that Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt, while Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. How long before the campaign is known as “Hillarack”?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
3/25
1. Some fans of Paul McCartney are saying the song “Mister Bellamy” from his latest album is about his divorce from Heather Mills, because “Mister Bellamy” is an anagram for “Mills betray me”. Of course, “Paul McCartney” is an anagram for “A Pearl! C My Cunt?” (“Hey Pearl! See my cunt?”) So maybe McCartney’s parents had a neighbor named Pearl… and Paul was originally Pauline.
2. Authorities in China are cracking down on advertisers who sent more than 200 million spam messages to mobile phones there. With China’s overpopulation, they don’t want anyone getting his hands on cheap Viagra.
3. Attendance at a Buddhist temple in Japan has jumped after one of the dogs at the temple began praying like the priests. What is he praying for? Maybe for Japanese women to stop humiliating him by carrying him around in their purses. “Oh, isn’t he cute in there! Yes, he is!!”
4. The head of the International Olympic Committee said that he is engaged in “silent diplomacy” with China about human rights, because money passing under tables doesn‘t make any noise.
5. And in a surprise announcement, Chinese and Tibetan leaders have very different stories about the recent protests in Tibet. Tibetan leaders say the protests are to preserve their culture, whereas Chinese leaders say that the Dalai Lama and Western media are manipulating peaceful Tibetans with microchips implanted in their brains. Now how would we be able to do that? All our microchips are made in China.
2. Authorities in China are cracking down on advertisers who sent more than 200 million spam messages to mobile phones there. With China’s overpopulation, they don’t want anyone getting his hands on cheap Viagra.
3. Attendance at a Buddhist temple in Japan has jumped after one of the dogs at the temple began praying like the priests. What is he praying for? Maybe for Japanese women to stop humiliating him by carrying him around in their purses. “Oh, isn’t he cute in there! Yes, he is!!”
4. The head of the International Olympic Committee said that he is engaged in “silent diplomacy” with China about human rights, because money passing under tables doesn‘t make any noise.
5. And in a surprise announcement, Chinese and Tibetan leaders have very different stories about the recent protests in Tibet. Tibetan leaders say the protests are to preserve their culture, whereas Chinese leaders say that the Dalai Lama and Western media are manipulating peaceful Tibetans with microchips implanted in their brains. Now how would we be able to do that? All our microchips are made in China.
Monday, March 24, 2008
3/24
1. In a surprise announcement - very very surprising - Pamela Anderson will be getting divorced again. She’s really trying to be this generation’s Elizabeth Taylor, isn‘t she? The official reason for the divorce that she gave was “fraud”. Is that referring to her breasts? Or her career? Or maybe he’s not all natural where it counts either.
2. Preparations for the NATO summit in Romania are in trouble, because there aren’t enough bathrooms at the site, one of the former dictator’s palaces. This is the dark side of his 1975 ban on dietary fiber. The dispute emerged after information from a meeting was “leaked”. Some say that temporary toilets will upset the aesthetic appeal of the building. You mean, more than urine stains on the walls?
3. Dick Cheney met the king of Saudi Arabia to talk about the oil market, and then as an afterthought, the nuclear threat of Iran. Shouldn’t Iran be first on the agenda? Are you ever going to have a conversation with your neighbor like: “Hey, Bill, gas prices are really getting crazy, huh?” “Oh yeah, I can’t believe it.” “Man, me neither. Say, do you think we should do something about that guy over there with the flamethrower?”
4. Condoleezza Rice has apologized for unauthorized people looking into passport information of the current presidential candidates. Said Rice: “We’re not used to a president actually traveling before becoming president.”
5. A woman recently died after a stingray actually leapt out of the water and hit her. You know, I think these stingrays are getting a little cocky after the Crocodile Hunter.
2. Preparations for the NATO summit in Romania are in trouble, because there aren’t enough bathrooms at the site, one of the former dictator’s palaces. This is the dark side of his 1975 ban on dietary fiber. The dispute emerged after information from a meeting was “leaked”. Some say that temporary toilets will upset the aesthetic appeal of the building. You mean, more than urine stains on the walls?
3. Dick Cheney met the king of Saudi Arabia to talk about the oil market, and then as an afterthought, the nuclear threat of Iran. Shouldn’t Iran be first on the agenda? Are you ever going to have a conversation with your neighbor like: “Hey, Bill, gas prices are really getting crazy, huh?” “Oh yeah, I can’t believe it.” “Man, me neither. Say, do you think we should do something about that guy over there with the flamethrower?”
4. Condoleezza Rice has apologized for unauthorized people looking into passport information of the current presidential candidates. Said Rice: “We’re not used to a president actually traveling before becoming president.”
5. A woman recently died after a stingray actually leapt out of the water and hit her. You know, I think these stingrays are getting a little cocky after the Crocodile Hunter.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
3/22
1. Saudi Arabia is going to retrain 40,000 religious leaders to encourage moderation and tolerance -- by banning opinions that it doesn’t like.
2. A member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, the group that kidnapped Patty Hearst back in the 1970s, has been released from prison. However, she won’t leave, because she sympathizes with the guards now.
3. A new study shows that people who have phantom pain in lost limbs can feel better by just watching another person rub their hands together. It’s like how officials at the White House get President Bush to make decisions by rubbing a brain in front of him.
4. Emirates Airlines will now allow passengers to make cell phone calls on flights. Wow, that sounds like a great reason to never fly Emirates Airlines. I think they’re just doing it to sell more headphones to the people not using cell phones. The airline says it has a system that makes sure calls don’t interfere with the plane’s electronics. How’d you like to be on that first flight? “Um, you know, I don’t really want to risk messing with the plane’s electronics, thank you. Listening to little Billy sing the Alphabet Song can wait until I land in two hours.”
5. A court in California says that Starbucks will have to pay its servers more than $100 million dollars in back tips. How about giving a little of that to us? Maybe reducing prices?
2. A member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, the group that kidnapped Patty Hearst back in the 1970s, has been released from prison. However, she won’t leave, because she sympathizes with the guards now.
3. A new study shows that people who have phantom pain in lost limbs can feel better by just watching another person rub their hands together. It’s like how officials at the White House get President Bush to make decisions by rubbing a brain in front of him.
4. Emirates Airlines will now allow passengers to make cell phone calls on flights. Wow, that sounds like a great reason to never fly Emirates Airlines. I think they’re just doing it to sell more headphones to the people not using cell phones. The airline says it has a system that makes sure calls don’t interfere with the plane’s electronics. How’d you like to be on that first flight? “Um, you know, I don’t really want to risk messing with the plane’s electronics, thank you. Listening to little Billy sing the Alphabet Song can wait until I land in two hours.”
5. A court in California says that Starbucks will have to pay its servers more than $100 million dollars in back tips. How about giving a little of that to us? Maybe reducing prices?
Friday, March 21, 2008
3/21
1. Officials in the Philippines are warning that taking part in crucifixions may be hazardous to your health. Oh really? Yeah, I seem to recall hearing that it was pretty bad for at least one guy about two thousand years ago. When he heard the warning, Eliot Spitzer took down the cross he had put up in front of the New York Post.
2. A new study shows that happy married people have lower blood pressure than unhappy married people. Well, of course, after so much blood has come out of the stab wounds.
3. Mike Huckabee has said that people should be understanding about the inflammatory comments made by Barack Obama’s pastor, Reverend Wright. Yeah, Huckabee should know something about saying crazy things in the name of religion, considering he preaches the universe was created six thousand years ago.
4. Two American citizens have been arrested in Russia for spying. Some of the evidence that Russian officials say that have is business cards from the CIA. Man, I think the CIA guys were just looking for work. Things haven’t been going so well there recently.
5. When a school official in California was told that the state’s new standards of improvement meant it would take 500 years for the state to meet graduation requirements, the official said: “California is patient.” Yes, they are like a patient - very sick.
2. A new study shows that happy married people have lower blood pressure than unhappy married people. Well, of course, after so much blood has come out of the stab wounds.
3. Mike Huckabee has said that people should be understanding about the inflammatory comments made by Barack Obama’s pastor, Reverend Wright. Yeah, Huckabee should know something about saying crazy things in the name of religion, considering he preaches the universe was created six thousand years ago.
4. Two American citizens have been arrested in Russia for spying. Some of the evidence that Russian officials say that have is business cards from the CIA. Man, I think the CIA guys were just looking for work. Things haven’t been going so well there recently.
5. When a school official in California was told that the state’s new standards of improvement meant it would take 500 years for the state to meet graduation requirements, the official said: “California is patient.” Yes, they are like a patient - very sick.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
More than 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton’s schedules as First Lady have now been released. Here’s a sample from February 16th, 1995: 9AM -- Meet with insipid wives of other national leaders. Grit teeth and pretend that being First Lady is the best job in the world. 10AM -- Sit in Oval Office and daydream. 10:30AM -- Have brain microchips recharged and oil changed. 11AM -- Meet spunky young lawyer from Chicago named Barack Obama. Encourage him to follow his dreams.
Friday was Pi Day, the official day celebrating the number pi, and man, I thought it would never end.
Mexican drug gangs are using James Bond-like SUVS that have smoke screens and can spray spikes on the road. So how did police capture one of these high-tech vehicles? It was abandoned after being rammed into a truck. You know the inventor was so sad. “You rammed a truck with it?! You could do that with any car!” This is how parents feel on Christmas when their kid plays with the box.
On the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, President Bush said “no one would argue that this war has not come at a high cost in lives and treasure.” Treasure? Is this the 18th century? This is why he wants to keep the tax cuts -- he thinks we’re just digging the money up. He’s telling his people, “I saw some guys on the Discovery channel that were finding shipwrecks. Maybe we can hire them.”
Today is St. Patrick’s Day, or as they call it in Ireland, “Monday”. A lot of green on Wall Street today. Not because of St. Patrick’s Day, but just the looks of nausea on people’s faces. The Federal Reserve is trying everything to get stocks back on track. It’s like they’re searching for Wall Street’s clitoris. Wall Street is like: “Oh yes, yes, almost, almost, no, no, noooo, okay try over there, okay, yes, yes…” And the Federal Reserve is thinking: “Maybe Wall Street will come if we use whipped cream and a gimp mask…”
Methane gas has been found on a planet outside the solar system for the first time, meaning that fart jokes may be universal.
Paul McCartney’s divorce was settled today. His ex-wife Heather Mills is upset, because after schooling and other expenses, their four year old daughter is ‘only’ getting about $50,000 a year. Excuse me, but she is FOUR YEARS OLD! That’s a pretty good allowance. How could a four-year-old spend $50,000 in a year? A SpongeBob SquarePants made from solid gold? Caviar Pixie Stix?
John McCain is making an unannounced visit to Iraq this week, because he has to do something to get Clinton and Obama off the front pages. Next week, he plans to make the world’s largest ball of twine.
Rising prices have caused a lot of tense moments at bread shops in Egypt -- the worst bakery riots since Krispy Kreme opened in Cleveland.
Two astronauts had to remove a robot arm with a crowbar this weekend. Do space shuttles normally come with crowbars? Do they have duct tape too? I wouldn’t trust a space station with a crowbar, the same way I don’t trust dentist offices with hammers.
Iranians voted this weekend in a tough contest between religious hard-liners and… military hard-liners. Or to put it another way, one side wants death to all Western infidels, but the other only wants death to most Western infidels.
A new government report says that half of all eighth-graders have serious problems with fractions, and we also need to help the other two-thirds.
The internet website Google recently let reporters and cameras into its new European headquarters. They thought that it was only fair after taking pictures of the rest of us.
For the first time, ordinary Cubans will be allowed to own DVD players and computers. No air conditioners until 2009 though, so they’re just going to have to sweat through that porn. Car alarms will also finally be allowed this year, which is, um, a great step… forward?
In India, Richard Gere was found not guilty of obscenity, after he embraced and kissed a Bollywood film actress in public. Gere said the charges were frivolous because “I’m not even into women. Whoops. Did I just say that?”
Friday was Pi Day, the official day celebrating the number pi, and man, I thought it would never end.
Mexican drug gangs are using James Bond-like SUVS that have smoke screens and can spray spikes on the road. So how did police capture one of these high-tech vehicles? It was abandoned after being rammed into a truck. You know the inventor was so sad. “You rammed a truck with it?! You could do that with any car!” This is how parents feel on Christmas when their kid plays with the box.
On the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, President Bush said “no one would argue that this war has not come at a high cost in lives and treasure.” Treasure? Is this the 18th century? This is why he wants to keep the tax cuts -- he thinks we’re just digging the money up. He’s telling his people, “I saw some guys on the Discovery channel that were finding shipwrecks. Maybe we can hire them.”
Today is St. Patrick’s Day, or as they call it in Ireland, “Monday”. A lot of green on Wall Street today. Not because of St. Patrick’s Day, but just the looks of nausea on people’s faces. The Federal Reserve is trying everything to get stocks back on track. It’s like they’re searching for Wall Street’s clitoris. Wall Street is like: “Oh yes, yes, almost, almost, no, no, noooo, okay try over there, okay, yes, yes…” And the Federal Reserve is thinking: “Maybe Wall Street will come if we use whipped cream and a gimp mask…”
Methane gas has been found on a planet outside the solar system for the first time, meaning that fart jokes may be universal.
Paul McCartney’s divorce was settled today. His ex-wife Heather Mills is upset, because after schooling and other expenses, their four year old daughter is ‘only’ getting about $50,000 a year. Excuse me, but she is FOUR YEARS OLD! That’s a pretty good allowance. How could a four-year-old spend $50,000 in a year? A SpongeBob SquarePants made from solid gold? Caviar Pixie Stix?
John McCain is making an unannounced visit to Iraq this week, because he has to do something to get Clinton and Obama off the front pages. Next week, he plans to make the world’s largest ball of twine.
Rising prices have caused a lot of tense moments at bread shops in Egypt -- the worst bakery riots since Krispy Kreme opened in Cleveland.
Two astronauts had to remove a robot arm with a crowbar this weekend. Do space shuttles normally come with crowbars? Do they have duct tape too? I wouldn’t trust a space station with a crowbar, the same way I don’t trust dentist offices with hammers.
Iranians voted this weekend in a tough contest between religious hard-liners and… military hard-liners. Or to put it another way, one side wants death to all Western infidels, but the other only wants death to most Western infidels.
A new government report says that half of all eighth-graders have serious problems with fractions, and we also need to help the other two-thirds.
The internet website Google recently let reporters and cameras into its new European headquarters. They thought that it was only fair after taking pictures of the rest of us.
For the first time, ordinary Cubans will be allowed to own DVD players and computers. No air conditioners until 2009 though, so they’re just going to have to sweat through that porn. Car alarms will also finally be allowed this year, which is, um, a great step… forward?
In India, Richard Gere was found not guilty of obscenity, after he embraced and kissed a Bollywood film actress in public. Gere said the charges were frivolous because “I’m not even into women. Whoops. Did I just say that?”
3/20
1. More than 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton’s schedules as First Lady have now been released. Here’s a sample from February 16th, 1995: 9AM -- Meet with insipid wives of other national leaders. Grit teeth and pretend that being First Lady is the best job in the world. 10AM -- Sit in Oval Office and daydream. 10:30AM -- Have brain microchips recharged and oil changed. 11AM -- Meet spunky young lawyer from Chicago named Barack Obama. Encourage him to follow his dreams.
2. Methane gas has been found on a planet outside the solar system for the first time, meaning that fart jokes may be universal.
3. Mexican drug gangs are using James Bond-like SUVS that have smoke screens and can spray spikes on the road. So how did police capture one of these high-tech vehicles? It was abandoned after being rammed into a truck. You know the inventor was so sad. “You rammed a truck with it?! You could do that with any car!” This is how parents feel on Christmas when their kid plays with the box.
4. A new study shows that patients having heart surgery often get blood that has sat in refrigerators for two weeks or more. Man, I won’t even let my milk sit in the fridge that long.
5. The Middle East’s only women-only hotel has opened in Saudi Arabia. It will cater to all ten Saudi businesswomen.
2. Methane gas has been found on a planet outside the solar system for the first time, meaning that fart jokes may be universal.
3. Mexican drug gangs are using James Bond-like SUVS that have smoke screens and can spray spikes on the road. So how did police capture one of these high-tech vehicles? It was abandoned after being rammed into a truck. You know the inventor was so sad. “You rammed a truck with it?! You could do that with any car!” This is how parents feel on Christmas when their kid plays with the box.
4. A new study shows that patients having heart surgery often get blood that has sat in refrigerators for two weeks or more. Man, I won’t even let my milk sit in the fridge that long.
5. The Middle East’s only women-only hotel has opened in Saudi Arabia. It will cater to all ten Saudi businesswomen.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
3/19/08
1. On the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, President Bush said “no one would argue that this war has not come at a high cost in lives and treasure.” Treasure? Is this the 18th century? This is why he wants to keep the tax cuts - he thinks we’re just digging the money up. He’s telling his people, “I saw some cool guys on the Discovery channel that were finding shipwrecks. Maybe we can hire them.”
2. A new study says that cat owners have a far lower risk of heart attacks than people who don’t own cats. After hearing the news, the Secret Service built a suit out of five hundred cats to encase Dick Cheney (show Photoshopped picture).
3. A couple in Great Britain have turned their dead dogs’ fur into jackets. Inspired by this, America’s black community is going to have jackets made out of Bill Clinton’s former dignity.
4. One of the major complaints at Olympic buildings in China is that many of them only have squat toilets. In the traditional Chinese toilet, there’s no seat - you have to squat down. The complaints were levied by the group, Republican Congressmen for Bathroom Cruising.
5. Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills has claimed that she helped him write songs. But considering the songs he puts out these days, maybe she should be paying him.
2. A new study says that cat owners have a far lower risk of heart attacks than people who don’t own cats. After hearing the news, the Secret Service built a suit out of five hundred cats to encase Dick Cheney (show Photoshopped picture).
3. A couple in Great Britain have turned their dead dogs’ fur into jackets. Inspired by this, America’s black community is going to have jackets made out of Bill Clinton’s former dignity.
4. One of the major complaints at Olympic buildings in China is that many of them only have squat toilets. In the traditional Chinese toilet, there’s no seat - you have to squat down. The complaints were levied by the group, Republican Congressmen for Bathroom Cruising.
5. Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills has claimed that she helped him write songs. But considering the songs he puts out these days, maybe she should be paying him.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
3/18
1. Today is St. Patrick’s Day, or as they call it in Ireland, “Monday”. A lot of green on Wall Street today. Not because of St. Patrick’s Day, but just the looks of nausea on people’s faces. The Federal Reserve is trying everything to get stocks back on track. It’s like they’re searching for Wall Street’s clitoris. Wall Street is like: “Oh yes, yes, almost, almost, no, no, noooo, okay try over there, okay, yes, yes…” And the Federal Reserve is thinking: “Maybe Wall Street will come if we use whipped cream and a gimp mask…”
2. Paul McCartney’s divorce was settled today. His ex-wife Heather Mills is upset, because after schooling and other expenses, their four year old daughter is ‘only’ getting about $50,000 a year. Excuse me, but she is FOUR YEARS OLD! That’s a pretty good allowance. How could a four-year-old spend $50,000 in a year? A SpongeBob SquarePants made from solid gold? Caviar Pixie Stix?
3. Rising prices have caused a lot of tense moments at bread shops in Egypt -- the worst bakery riots since Krispy Kreme opened in Cleveland.
4. John McCain is making an unannounced visit to Iraq this week, because he has to do something to get Clinton and Obama off the front pages. Next week, he plans to make the world’s largest ball of twine.
5. To celebrate the peace between Venezuela and Colombia, there is going to be a huge music festival on their border. Man, Latin Americans will take any excuse to party. There wasn’t even a war - there was just the threat of a war. Imagine if there had actually been a war. People up in Canada would be complaining about the noise. And we know they have the coffee and cocaine for staying up late.
2. Paul McCartney’s divorce was settled today. His ex-wife Heather Mills is upset, because after schooling and other expenses, their four year old daughter is ‘only’ getting about $50,000 a year. Excuse me, but she is FOUR YEARS OLD! That’s a pretty good allowance. How could a four-year-old spend $50,000 in a year? A SpongeBob SquarePants made from solid gold? Caviar Pixie Stix?
3. Rising prices have caused a lot of tense moments at bread shops in Egypt -- the worst bakery riots since Krispy Kreme opened in Cleveland.
4. John McCain is making an unannounced visit to Iraq this week, because he has to do something to get Clinton and Obama off the front pages. Next week, he plans to make the world’s largest ball of twine.
5. To celebrate the peace between Venezuela and Colombia, there is going to be a huge music festival on their border. Man, Latin Americans will take any excuse to party. There wasn’t even a war - there was just the threat of a war. Imagine if there had actually been a war. People up in Canada would be complaining about the noise. And we know they have the coffee and cocaine for staying up late.
Monday, March 17, 2008
3/17
1. Two astronauts had to remove a robot arm with a crowbar this weekend. Do space shuttles normally come with crowbars? Do they have duct tape too? I wouldn’t trust a space station with a crowbar, the same way I don’t trust dentist offices with hammers.
2. Police are now searching for bodies at the old cult headquarters of Charles Manson, which is located in, this is true, Death Valley. They think there might be dead hitchhikers there. Now, if you’re a hitchhiker and a guy picks you up heading to his religious group in Death Valley, it’s a bad sign. Like getting picked up by someone in the religious right who’s heading to a meeting at a public restroom.
3. George Lucas is releasing yet another Star Wars film, because like Luke Skywalker with Darth Vader, he has detected a tiny trace of good will surviving in Star Wars fans, but he wants to beat it out of them. It’s going to be computer-animated, so Lucas doesn’t have to deal with all those messy things like actual human emotions.
4. Iranians voted this weekend in a tough contest between religious hard-liners and… military hard-liners. Or to put it another way, one side wants death to all Western infidels, but the other only wants death to most Western infidels.
5. The lawyer of the woman accused of sleeping with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is angry about the media using suggestive photos that she says are copyrighted. But apparently, she’s not so upset about being exposed as a prostitute.
2. Police are now searching for bodies at the old cult headquarters of Charles Manson, which is located in, this is true, Death Valley. They think there might be dead hitchhikers there. Now, if you’re a hitchhiker and a guy picks you up heading to his religious group in Death Valley, it’s a bad sign. Like getting picked up by someone in the religious right who’s heading to a meeting at a public restroom.
3. George Lucas is releasing yet another Star Wars film, because like Luke Skywalker with Darth Vader, he has detected a tiny trace of good will surviving in Star Wars fans, but he wants to beat it out of them. It’s going to be computer-animated, so Lucas doesn’t have to deal with all those messy things like actual human emotions.
4. Iranians voted this weekend in a tough contest between religious hard-liners and… military hard-liners. Or to put it another way, one side wants death to all Western infidels, but the other only wants death to most Western infidels.
5. The lawyer of the woman accused of sleeping with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is angry about the media using suggestive photos that she says are copyrighted. But apparently, she’s not so upset about being exposed as a prostitute.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
3/15
1. A new government report says that half of all eighth-graders have serious problems with fractions, and we also need to help the other two-thirds.
2. Barack Obama has now listed all of his earmarks and wants Hillary Clinton to list hers too. Obama’s earmarks include one in each lobe [touch ears], and one on the top of the left ear. Clinton’s piercings extend a bit further from what I hear… [slide hand down torso]
3. The internet website Google recently let reporters and cameras into its new European headquarters. They thought that it was only fair after taking pictures of the rest of us.
4. Federal prosecutors are now asking former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer about car services that he used. Is he having sex with cars now? Those chrome tail pipes can be tempting.
5. Florida now has a plan to re-do its Democratic primary. Let me guess, the candidate currently in the lead isn’t going to want to count the votes in Florida, and the one behind is going to. Where have we seen this before, hmm? It’s on the tip of my tongue… And Republicans are arguing about whether Rush Limbaugh is out of control. This is all like Britney Spears fans debating if Michael Jackson is crazy.
2. Barack Obama has now listed all of his earmarks and wants Hillary Clinton to list hers too. Obama’s earmarks include one in each lobe [touch ears], and one on the top of the left ear. Clinton’s piercings extend a bit further from what I hear… [slide hand down torso]
3. The internet website Google recently let reporters and cameras into its new European headquarters. They thought that it was only fair after taking pictures of the rest of us.
4. Federal prosecutors are now asking former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer about car services that he used. Is he having sex with cars now? Those chrome tail pipes can be tempting.
5. Florida now has a plan to re-do its Democratic primary. Let me guess, the candidate currently in the lead isn’t going to want to count the votes in Florida, and the one behind is going to. Where have we seen this before, hmm? It’s on the tip of my tongue… And Republicans are arguing about whether Rush Limbaugh is out of control. This is all like Britney Spears fans debating if Michael Jackson is crazy.
Friday, March 14, 2008
3/14
1. It looks like Iceland will start hunting whales this summer. What is it with these pacifist countries wanting to kill whales? Japan wants to kill whales. Iceland wants to kill whales. Is it just a bunch of pent-up frustration at not getting to kill intelligent life forms? Pretty soon, Sweden will be calling for chimpanzee hunts.
2. For the first time, ordinary Cubans will be allowed to own DVD players and computers. No air conditioners until 2009 though, so they’re just going to have to sweat through that porn. Car alarms will also finally be allowed this year, which is, um, a great step… forward?
3. European leaders are expected to cut CO2 emissions by 20% by 2020. Is there some sort of rule that these cuts have to use the same numbers as the year? If we were living in the year 1, would we just be screwed?
4. In India, Richard Gere was found not guilty of obscenity, after he embraced and kissed a Bollywood film actress in public. Gere said the charges were frivolous because “I’m not even into women. Whoops. Did I just say that?”
5. Friday was Pi Day, the official day celebrating the number pi, and man, I thought it would never end.
2. For the first time, ordinary Cubans will be allowed to own DVD players and computers. No air conditioners until 2009 though, so they’re just going to have to sweat through that porn. Car alarms will also finally be allowed this year, which is, um, a great step… forward?
3. European leaders are expected to cut CO2 emissions by 20% by 2020. Is there some sort of rule that these cuts have to use the same numbers as the year? If we were living in the year 1, would we just be screwed?
4. In India, Richard Gere was found not guilty of obscenity, after he embraced and kissed a Bollywood film actress in public. Gere said the charges were frivolous because “I’m not even into women. Whoops. Did I just say that?”
5. Friday was Pi Day, the official day celebrating the number pi, and man, I thought it would never end.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer paid $4,000 for one prostitute. I’m not upset about the sex part -- I’m upset that he’s obviously not a fiscal conservative! For that much money, you could hire a whole village of Thai hookers. Though of course, Spitzer didn’t want to transfer jobs overseas. He kept those jobs in America -- specifically handjobs, blowjobs, and rimjobs.
Spitzer didn’t admit to any allegations on Monday -- he merely said that he had failed in his obligations to his family. What, did they want hookers too?
At the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Justin Timberlake called Britney Spears a Madonna wannabe. No, at this point, she’s more like a Vincent Van Gogh wannabe.
Billy Crystal is going to play with the New York Yankees for one day. Man, they’re really looking for any way to beat the Red Sox, aren’t they?
In 2002, Time Magazine named New York Governor Eliot Spitzer “Crusader of the Year”. This year, I hear he’s in the running for “Cruiser of the Year”.
Some media say the whole Spitzer thing could be bad for Hillary Clinton, since he’s one of her big supporters. But I don‘t think so, because now she has something to talk about with Mrs. Spitzer.
President Bush has vetoed a bill that would have banned the form of torture known as ‘waterboarding’. Maybe the reason he doesn’t mind it so much is that it sounds like something fun. “What did you do this weekend?” “Oh, went to the beach, did a little waterboarding.” Maybe they just need to redefine torture as an extreme sport. That guy isn’t just getting hung by his arms for hours -- he’s doing ‘extreme yoga’. That prisoner isn’t sleep deprived -- he’s ’Ultra-Awake’!
Senator Barack Obama has won the Democratic caucus in Wyoming, largely on his promise that he would use his ears to provide the state with wind power.
A senior aide to Barack Obama has resigned after calling Hillary Clinton a monster. The comment makes more sense though, when you find out that the Obama aide is five years old and afraid of robots.
The central bank in Ethiopia has discovered that much of its gold may be fake. The first suspicions occurred after the bank’s Nigerian gold dealer was also found selling “Rolex” watches. Luckily, he has a plan to make the money back through some sort of e-mail campaign.
And on the international market, gold has hit $1000 an ounce for the first time, which means that an ounce of gold can now almost fill up your gas tank.
The Environmental Protection Agency is lowering the amount of smog-causing ground-level ozone permitted. So we have too much ozone down here… and not enough of it up there… If only we could find a way to switch it around. The EPA plan consists of sending hundreds of people out into the smog and spraying aerosol cans. This also kills my plan to only go suntanning on smoggy days.
A new study says that men are jealous of other men who are attractive, rich, or strong. Really? I thought they’d be most jealous about whether someone was funny.
Clinton and Obama were campaigning heavily in Wyoming for that state’s caucus on Saturday. All five of Wyoming’s Democrats are expected to vote.
At a summit of Latin American leaders, Hugo Chavez reportedly said: “People should go cool off a bit.” You know you’re being hotheaded when Hugo Chavez says you should cool off. That’s like Amy Winehouse saying you’re hitting the crack pipe a little too hard.
An Irish bar in Manhattan is going to ban the song “Danny Boy” for the entire month of March. The owner of the bar says the song is just too depressing. It’s like at Obama headquarters, no one’s allowed to play that old Hall & Oates song: “She’s a maneater…”
A Google spokesman said yesterday that entering a military base, taking detailed photographs, and then putting them on the internet was “a mistake”. I wish I could use that excuse. “Oh honey, I didn’t think you’d mind when I put your naked pictures on the internet. I was just trying to show our bedroom.”
The German president wants a new highest medal for soldiers, but doesn’t want to bring back the Iron Cross. Iron. Other countries have gold or silver, but the Germans are very practical -- iron. The Green Party wants it to be the Aluminum Cross Made From Recycled Cans. There was also some support for a Sausage Cross, but it sounds too much like a local S&M routine.
Spitzer didn’t admit to any allegations on Monday -- he merely said that he had failed in his obligations to his family. What, did they want hookers too?
At the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Justin Timberlake called Britney Spears a Madonna wannabe. No, at this point, she’s more like a Vincent Van Gogh wannabe.
Billy Crystal is going to play with the New York Yankees for one day. Man, they’re really looking for any way to beat the Red Sox, aren’t they?
In 2002, Time Magazine named New York Governor Eliot Spitzer “Crusader of the Year”. This year, I hear he’s in the running for “Cruiser of the Year”.
Some media say the whole Spitzer thing could be bad for Hillary Clinton, since he’s one of her big supporters. But I don‘t think so, because now she has something to talk about with Mrs. Spitzer.
President Bush has vetoed a bill that would have banned the form of torture known as ‘waterboarding’. Maybe the reason he doesn’t mind it so much is that it sounds like something fun. “What did you do this weekend?” “Oh, went to the beach, did a little waterboarding.” Maybe they just need to redefine torture as an extreme sport. That guy isn’t just getting hung by his arms for hours -- he’s doing ‘extreme yoga’. That prisoner isn’t sleep deprived -- he’s ’Ultra-Awake’!
Senator Barack Obama has won the Democratic caucus in Wyoming, largely on his promise that he would use his ears to provide the state with wind power.
A senior aide to Barack Obama has resigned after calling Hillary Clinton a monster. The comment makes more sense though, when you find out that the Obama aide is five years old and afraid of robots.
The central bank in Ethiopia has discovered that much of its gold may be fake. The first suspicions occurred after the bank’s Nigerian gold dealer was also found selling “Rolex” watches. Luckily, he has a plan to make the money back through some sort of e-mail campaign.
And on the international market, gold has hit $1000 an ounce for the first time, which means that an ounce of gold can now almost fill up your gas tank.
The Environmental Protection Agency is lowering the amount of smog-causing ground-level ozone permitted. So we have too much ozone down here… and not enough of it up there… If only we could find a way to switch it around. The EPA plan consists of sending hundreds of people out into the smog and spraying aerosol cans. This also kills my plan to only go suntanning on smoggy days.
A new study says that men are jealous of other men who are attractive, rich, or strong. Really? I thought they’d be most jealous about whether someone was funny.
Clinton and Obama were campaigning heavily in Wyoming for that state’s caucus on Saturday. All five of Wyoming’s Democrats are expected to vote.
At a summit of Latin American leaders, Hugo Chavez reportedly said: “People should go cool off a bit.” You know you’re being hotheaded when Hugo Chavez says you should cool off. That’s like Amy Winehouse saying you’re hitting the crack pipe a little too hard.
An Irish bar in Manhattan is going to ban the song “Danny Boy” for the entire month of March. The owner of the bar says the song is just too depressing. It’s like at Obama headquarters, no one’s allowed to play that old Hall & Oates song: “She’s a maneater…”
A Google spokesman said yesterday that entering a military base, taking detailed photographs, and then putting them on the internet was “a mistake”. I wish I could use that excuse. “Oh honey, I didn’t think you’d mind when I put your naked pictures on the internet. I was just trying to show our bedroom.”
The German president wants a new highest medal for soldiers, but doesn’t want to bring back the Iron Cross. Iron. Other countries have gold or silver, but the Germans are very practical -- iron. The Green Party wants it to be the Aluminum Cross Made From Recycled Cans. There was also some support for a Sausage Cross, but it sounds too much like a local S&M routine.
3/13
1. The central bank in Ethiopia has discovered that much of its gold may be fake. The first suspicions occurred after the bank’s Nigerian gold dealer was also found selling “Rolex” watches. Luckily, he has a plan to make the money back through some sort of e-mail campaign.
2. And on the international market, gold has hit $1000 an ounce for the first time, which means that an ounce of gold can now almost fill up your gas tank.
3. Wikipedia creator Jimmy Wales has been accused of editing the online encyclopedia in exchange for a donation to his Wikimedia Foundation. He said that the allegation was “absolutely false”, but I found them on Wikipedia, so they must be true.
4. The Environmental Protection Agency is lowering the amount of smog-causing ground-level ozone permitted. So we have too much ozone down here… and not enough of it up there… If only we could find a way to switch it around. The EPA plan consists of sending hundreds of people out into the smog and spraying aerosol cans. This also kills my plan to only go suntanning on smoggy days.
5. A new study says that men are jealous of other men who are attractive, rich, or strong. Really? I thought they’d be most jealous about whether someone was funny.
2. And on the international market, gold has hit $1000 an ounce for the first time, which means that an ounce of gold can now almost fill up your gas tank.
3. Wikipedia creator Jimmy Wales has been accused of editing the online encyclopedia in exchange for a donation to his Wikimedia Foundation. He said that the allegation was “absolutely false”, but I found them on Wikipedia, so they must be true.
4. The Environmental Protection Agency is lowering the amount of smog-causing ground-level ozone permitted. So we have too much ozone down here… and not enough of it up there… If only we could find a way to switch it around. The EPA plan consists of sending hundreds of people out into the smog and spraying aerosol cans. This also kills my plan to only go suntanning on smoggy days.
5. A new study says that men are jealous of other men who are attractive, rich, or strong. Really? I thought they’d be most jealous about whether someone was funny.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
3/12
1. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer paid $4,000 for one prostitute. I’m not upset about the sex part -- I’m upset that he’s obviously not a fiscal conservative! For that much money, you could hire a whole village of Thai hookers. Though of course, Spitzer didn’t want to transfer jobs overseas. He kept those jobs in America -- specifically handjobs, blowjobs, and rimjobs.
2. Spitzer didn’t admit to any allegations on Monday -- he merely said that he had failed in his obligations to his family. What, did they want hookers too?
3. Saudi Arabian women’s rights activists have put a video on the internet of a woman driving a car, since women aren‘t allowed to drive there. During the video, she stays calm, keeps her eyes on the road, and drives with both hands. That puts her ahead of about 99% of American drivers.
4. At the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Justin Timberlake called Britney Spears a Madonna wannabe. No, at this point, she’s more like a Vincent Van Gogh wannabe.
5. Billy Crystal is going to play with the New York Yankees for one day. Man, they’re really looking for any way to beat the Red Sox, aren’t they?
2. Spitzer didn’t admit to any allegations on Monday -- he merely said that he had failed in his obligations to his family. What, did they want hookers too?
3. Saudi Arabian women’s rights activists have put a video on the internet of a woman driving a car, since women aren‘t allowed to drive there. During the video, she stays calm, keeps her eyes on the road, and drives with both hands. That puts her ahead of about 99% of American drivers.
4. At the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Justin Timberlake called Britney Spears a Madonna wannabe. No, at this point, she’s more like a Vincent Van Gogh wannabe.
5. Billy Crystal is going to play with the New York Yankees for one day. Man, they’re really looking for any way to beat the Red Sox, aren’t they?
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
3/11
1. In 2002, Time Magazine named New York Governor Eliot Spitzer “Crusader of the Year”. This year, I hear he’s in the running for “Cruiser of the Year”.
2. I think the headline for Spitzer’s press conference should have been “Spitzer Swallows”.
3. Some media say the whole Spitzer thing could be bad for Hillary Clinton, since he’s one of her big supporters. But I don‘t think so, because now she has something to talk about with Mrs. Spitzer.
4. A new type of security camera can “see” explosives, drugs, and weapons hidden under clothing from 80 feet away. It’s based on technology normally used to study dying stars, who are often the ones that have lots of drugs under their clothes.
5. South Korea has replaced its astronaut after the original guy sent a training book back to South Korea from Russia. The Russians also said he read a book he wasn’t supposed to. So they’re demoting him for library violations?
2. I think the headline for Spitzer’s press conference should have been “Spitzer Swallows”.
3. Some media say the whole Spitzer thing could be bad for Hillary Clinton, since he’s one of her big supporters. But I don‘t think so, because now she has something to talk about with Mrs. Spitzer.
4. A new type of security camera can “see” explosives, drugs, and weapons hidden under clothing from 80 feet away. It’s based on technology normally used to study dying stars, who are often the ones that have lots of drugs under their clothes.
5. South Korea has replaced its astronaut after the original guy sent a training book back to South Korea from Russia. The Russians also said he read a book he wasn’t supposed to. So they’re demoting him for library violations?
Monday, March 10, 2008
3/10
1. President Bush has vetoed a bill that would have banned the form of torture known as ‘waterboarding’. Maybe the reason he doesn’t mind it so much is that it sounds like something fun. “What did you do this weekend?” “Oh, went to the beach, did a little waterboarding.” Maybe they just need to redefine torture as an extreme sport. That guy isn’t just getting hung by his arms for hours -- he’s doing ‘extreme yoga’. That prisoner isn’t sleep deprived -- he’s ’Ultra-Awake’!
2. Israel has approved more home-building by Jewish settlers in the West Bank. Unfortunately, the loans are all going to be sub-prime.
3. In a new study, people who didn’t drink began having one drink per day, and their risk of heart disease began to drop. But doctors warned that people who don’t drink shouldn’t start drinking. Then why did they even do the study?
4. Senator Barack Obama has won the Democratic caucuses in Wyoming, largely on his promise that he would use his ears to provide the state with wind power.
5. Palestinians are rushing to see a lamb born with a birthmark that seems to spell the Arabic word for God. Unfortunately, the crowds stopped coming when they realized it was actually “God” spelled backward. He was just trying to tell them that it wasn’t a lamb - it was a dog.
2. Israel has approved more home-building by Jewish settlers in the West Bank. Unfortunately, the loans are all going to be sub-prime.
3. In a new study, people who didn’t drink began having one drink per day, and their risk of heart disease began to drop. But doctors warned that people who don’t drink shouldn’t start drinking. Then why did they even do the study?
4. Senator Barack Obama has won the Democratic caucuses in Wyoming, largely on his promise that he would use his ears to provide the state with wind power.
5. Palestinians are rushing to see a lamb born with a birthmark that seems to spell the Arabic word for God. Unfortunately, the crowds stopped coming when they realized it was actually “God” spelled backward. He was just trying to tell them that it wasn’t a lamb - it was a dog.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
3/8
1. A senior aide to Barack Obama has resigned after calling Hillary Clinton a monster. The comment makes more sense though, when you find out that the Obama aide is five years old and afraid of robots.
2. Clinton and Obama were campaigning heavily in Wyoming for that state’s caucuses on Saturday. All five of Wyoming’s Democrats are expected to vote.
3. At a summit of Latin American leaders, Hugo Chavez reportedly said: “People should go cool off a bit.” You know you’re being hotheaded when Hugo Chavez says you should cool off. That’s like Amy Winehouse saying you’re hitting the crack pipe a little too hard.
4. The highest court in Italy said that it is not illegal for women to lie to police about adultery. Apparently, this Italian woman lent her cell phone to her lover, who then used it to call her husband and insult him. So can she be charged with stupidity? “Oh look, it’s a call from my wife.” And then some man answers and says, “Hey, I’m screwing your wife.” How can you lie about that?
5. Former British prime minister Tony Blair is going to teach a class at Yale University. Man, how many jobs has this guy had since leaving office? I’d never hire him. Next week, he’ll be running a strip club in Nigeria.
2. Clinton and Obama were campaigning heavily in Wyoming for that state’s caucuses on Saturday. All five of Wyoming’s Democrats are expected to vote.
3. At a summit of Latin American leaders, Hugo Chavez reportedly said: “People should go cool off a bit.” You know you’re being hotheaded when Hugo Chavez says you should cool off. That’s like Amy Winehouse saying you’re hitting the crack pipe a little too hard.
4. The highest court in Italy said that it is not illegal for women to lie to police about adultery. Apparently, this Italian woman lent her cell phone to her lover, who then used it to call her husband and insult him. So can she be charged with stupidity? “Oh look, it’s a call from my wife.” And then some man answers and says, “Hey, I’m screwing your wife.” How can you lie about that?
5. Former British prime minister Tony Blair is going to teach a class at Yale University. Man, how many jobs has this guy had since leaving office? I’d never hire him. Next week, he’ll be running a strip club in Nigeria.
Friday, March 7, 2008
3/7
1. An Irish bar in Manhattan is going to ban the song “Danny Boy” for the entire month of March. The owner of the bar says the song is just too depressing. It’s like at Obama headquarters, no one’s allowed to play that old Hall & Oates song: “She’s a maneater…”
2. A Google spokesman said yesterday that entering a military base, taking detailed photographs, and then putting them on the internet was “a mistake”. I wish I could use that excuse. “Oh honey, I didn’t think you’d mind when I put your naked pictures on the internet. I was just trying to show our bedroom.”
3. After 13 years as the richest man in the world, Bill Gates was beaten this year by Warren Buffet. That’s what happens when you start giving your money to charity! Loser! Actually, Gates was supposed to be number one, but they were doing the final numbers on the new Windows Vista system and it crashed.
4. A research center in Seattle is going to pay people $4000 to be bitten by mosquitoes with malaria. Unfortunately, the cure they expect to discover will cost $5000.
5. The German president wants a new highest medal for soldiers, but doesn’t want to bring back the Iron Cross. Iron. Other countries have gold or silver, but the Germans are very practical -- iron. The Green Party wants it to be the Aluminum Cross Made From Recycled Cans. There was also some support for a Sausage Cross, but it sounds too much like a local S&M routine.
2. A Google spokesman said yesterday that entering a military base, taking detailed photographs, and then putting them on the internet was “a mistake”. I wish I could use that excuse. “Oh honey, I didn’t think you’d mind when I put your naked pictures on the internet. I was just trying to show our bedroom.”
3. After 13 years as the richest man in the world, Bill Gates was beaten this year by Warren Buffet. That’s what happens when you start giving your money to charity! Loser! Actually, Gates was supposed to be number one, but they were doing the final numbers on the new Windows Vista system and it crashed.
4. A research center in Seattle is going to pay people $4000 to be bitten by mosquitoes with malaria. Unfortunately, the cure they expect to discover will cost $5000.
5. The German president wants a new highest medal for soldiers, but doesn’t want to bring back the Iron Cross. Iron. Other countries have gold or silver, but the Germans are very practical -- iron. The Green Party wants it to be the Aluminum Cross Made From Recycled Cans. There was also some support for a Sausage Cross, but it sounds too much like a local S&M routine.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Environmentalists have been throwing acid at whaling ships, and the whalers are upset, because it stings when it gets in their eyes. Yeah, you know what else stings when it gets in your eyes? Harpoons. I hear those are killers.
Jack Nicholson is starring in an internet video supporting Hillary Clinton for president. The video has already helped her pull some of the insane vote away from Ralph Nader.
Gary Gygax = 0 hit points. The creator of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons has died at the age of 69, which is ironic, since no Dungeons & Dragons player has ever gotten a woman to do 69.
The music mogul behind boy bands like ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys has pleaded guilty to financial fraud. Still no word on the fraud suit from people who bought his albums after being told they were actually music.
President Bush has now backed Senator John McCain for president. Good timing! I hear Bush is also backing the New York Giants for the last Super Bowl.
A new scientific study claims that depression is good for you. But I just can’t get excited about it.
British military commandos in Norway were arrested for urinating on each other. If they were in Germany, they’d be getting bonuses.
Thousands of huge bats have invaded a park in Australia. They’re breaking branches and poisoning the ground with their droppings. Sounds like an outdoor Grateful Dead concert.
Thousands of sentences for crack addicts may soon be reduced. Many are eager to get out, since most of the VCRs they stole have been replaced with DVD players.
A court in Iran has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised her when they married, although he claims that he never promised her a rose garden.
Election monitors in Russia say the ruling party used cheap food, free movie tickets, and toys to bribe voters. Are Russian voters all twelve years old? Movie tickets and toys? Sounds like the election at my junior high school. “Vote for Putin and Get Free Pizza and a Swirly Pen!”
There were a record 11.7 million cosmetic surgeries and procedures last year, about 11 million of which were performed on Kenny Rogers.
A new documentary claims that the Hells Angels took a boat to Mick Jagger‘s home to kill him, but were stopped when a storm knocked them all overboard. They were ashamed to try again, because it was the first time in ten years that they’d had a bath.
A new study says that snowflakes may contain bacteria. So remember to use a condom when you sleep with snowmen.
The classic internet browser Netscape Navigator is disappearing for good. I think one of its big problems is that it’s owned by AOL. That’s like a pager company being run by an 8-track company. Or like Hillary Clinton taking over Barack Obama’s campaign.
Jack Nicholson is starring in an internet video supporting Hillary Clinton for president. The video has already helped her pull some of the insane vote away from Ralph Nader.
Gary Gygax = 0 hit points. The creator of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons has died at the age of 69, which is ironic, since no Dungeons & Dragons player has ever gotten a woman to do 69.
The music mogul behind boy bands like ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys has pleaded guilty to financial fraud. Still no word on the fraud suit from people who bought his albums after being told they were actually music.
President Bush has now backed Senator John McCain for president. Good timing! I hear Bush is also backing the New York Giants for the last Super Bowl.
A new scientific study claims that depression is good for you. But I just can’t get excited about it.
British military commandos in Norway were arrested for urinating on each other. If they were in Germany, they’d be getting bonuses.
Thousands of huge bats have invaded a park in Australia. They’re breaking branches and poisoning the ground with their droppings. Sounds like an outdoor Grateful Dead concert.
Thousands of sentences for crack addicts may soon be reduced. Many are eager to get out, since most of the VCRs they stole have been replaced with DVD players.
A court in Iran has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised her when they married, although he claims that he never promised her a rose garden.
Election monitors in Russia say the ruling party used cheap food, free movie tickets, and toys to bribe voters. Are Russian voters all twelve years old? Movie tickets and toys? Sounds like the election at my junior high school. “Vote for Putin and Get Free Pizza and a Swirly Pen!”
There were a record 11.7 million cosmetic surgeries and procedures last year, about 11 million of which were performed on Kenny Rogers.
A new documentary claims that the Hells Angels took a boat to Mick Jagger‘s home to kill him, but were stopped when a storm knocked them all overboard. They were ashamed to try again, because it was the first time in ten years that they’d had a bath.
A new study says that snowflakes may contain bacteria. So remember to use a condom when you sleep with snowmen.
The classic internet browser Netscape Navigator is disappearing for good. I think one of its big problems is that it’s owned by AOL. That’s like a pager company being run by an 8-track company. Or like Hillary Clinton taking over Barack Obama’s campaign.
3/6
1. Jack Nicholson is starring in an internet video supporting Hillary Clinton for president. The video has already helped her pull some of the insane vote away from Ralph Nader.
2. A new study shows that people who eat breakfast are thinner than people who skip breakfast, because even though they eat more calories per day, the breakfast makes them more energetic and then they burn the calories off. Sort of like crack and Amy Winehouse.
3. Police in Great Britain sent warnings to schools after getting a fake e-mail about a drug called “strawberry meth” being given out at schools. I think the police should have figured it out when they saw the picture on the bag of “strawberry meth”. Can they tell the difference between grapes and strawberries? Maybe they should be focusing on what the police are putting in their bodies.
4. A supposed memoir by a white woman who claimed to have been raised by a black foster mother and then sold drugs has been revealed as a hoax. She said, “I was really torn. I thought it was my opportunity to put a voice to people who people don’t listen to.” And then make lots of money off them.
5. The Pope will host the first-ever summit between Catholics and Muslims. Well, the first one to not include a war council and declaration of defeat.
2. A new study shows that people who eat breakfast are thinner than people who skip breakfast, because even though they eat more calories per day, the breakfast makes them more energetic and then they burn the calories off. Sort of like crack and Amy Winehouse.
3. Police in Great Britain sent warnings to schools after getting a fake e-mail about a drug called “strawberry meth” being given out at schools. I think the police should have figured it out when they saw the picture on the bag of “strawberry meth”. Can they tell the difference between grapes and strawberries? Maybe they should be focusing on what the police are putting in their bodies.
4. A supposed memoir by a white woman who claimed to have been raised by a black foster mother and then sold drugs has been revealed as a hoax. She said, “I was really torn. I thought it was my opportunity to put a voice to people who people don’t listen to.” And then make lots of money off them.
5. The Pope will host the first-ever summit between Catholics and Muslims. Well, the first one to not include a war council and declaration of defeat.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
3/5
1. Gary Gygax = 0 hit points. The creator of the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons has died at the age of 69, which is ironic, since no Dungeons & Dragons player has ever gotten a woman to do 69.
2. The music mogul behind boy bands like ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys has pleaded guilty to financial fraud. No word yet on the fraud suit from people who bought his albums after being told they were actually music.
3. President Bush has now backed Senator John McCain for president. Good timing! I hear Bush is also backing the New York Giants for the last Super Bowl.
4. Senator John McCain clinched the Republican nomination for president last night. There is now absolutely positively no way for any other Republican nominees to defeat him. Mike Huckabee finally conceded, but Alan Keyes will continue to campaign. This doesn’t really change anything for him.
5. The Democratic primary continues to be a fight, with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama still battling it out. It reminds me of a pro wrestling cage match, with McCain and President Bush in the stands throwing popcorn at them.
2. The music mogul behind boy bands like ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys has pleaded guilty to financial fraud. No word yet on the fraud suit from people who bought his albums after being told they were actually music.
3. President Bush has now backed Senator John McCain for president. Good timing! I hear Bush is also backing the New York Giants for the last Super Bowl.
4. Senator John McCain clinched the Republican nomination for president last night. There is now absolutely positively no way for any other Republican nominees to defeat him. Mike Huckabee finally conceded, but Alan Keyes will continue to campaign. This doesn’t really change anything for him.
5. The Democratic primary continues to be a fight, with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama still battling it out. It reminds me of a pro wrestling cage match, with McCain and President Bush in the stands throwing popcorn at them.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
3/4
1. British military commandos in Norway were arrested for urinating on each other. If they were in Germany, they’d be getting bonuses.
2. Environmentalists have been throwing acid at whaling ships, and the whalers are upset, because it stings when it gets in their eyes. Yeah, you know what else stings when it gets in your eyes? Harpoons. I hear those are killers.
3. Thousands of huge bats have invaded a park in Australia. They’re breaking branches and poisoning the ground with their droppings. Sounds like an outdoor Grateful Dead concert.
4. Thousands of sentences for crack addicts may soon be reduced. Many are eager to get out, since most of the VCRs they stole have been replaced with DVD players.
5. A court in Iran has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised her when they married, although he claims that he never promised her a rose garden.
2. Environmentalists have been throwing acid at whaling ships, and the whalers are upset, because it stings when it gets in their eyes. Yeah, you know what else stings when it gets in your eyes? Harpoons. I hear those are killers.
3. Thousands of huge bats have invaded a park in Australia. They’re breaking branches and poisoning the ground with their droppings. Sounds like an outdoor Grateful Dead concert.
4. Thousands of sentences for crack addicts may soon be reduced. Many are eager to get out, since most of the VCRs they stole have been replaced with DVD players.
5. A court in Iran has ordered a man to give his wife the 124,000 roses that he promised her when they married, although he claims that he never promised her a rose garden.
Monday, March 3, 2008
3/3
1. Election monitors in Russia say the ruling party used cheap food, free movie tickets, and toys to bribe voters. Are Russian voters all twelve years old? Movie tickets and toys? Sounds like the election at my junior high school. “Vote for Putin and Get Free Pizza and a Swirly Pen!”
2. There were a record 11.7 million cosmetic surgeries and procedures last year, about 11 million of which were performed on Kenny Rogers.
3. A new documentary claims that the Hells Angels took a boat to Mick Jagger‘s home to kill him, but were stopped when a storm knocked them all overboard. They were ashamed to try again, because it was the first time in ten years that they’d had a bath.
4. A new study says that snowflakes may contain bacteria. So remember to use a condom when you sleep with snowmen.
5. A ‘living goddess’ in Nepal has retired from her ritual duties, even though she’s only eleven years old. That’s the price for being adopted by Angelina Jolie.
2. There were a record 11.7 million cosmetic surgeries and procedures last year, about 11 million of which were performed on Kenny Rogers.
3. A new documentary claims that the Hells Angels took a boat to Mick Jagger‘s home to kill him, but were stopped when a storm knocked them all overboard. They were ashamed to try again, because it was the first time in ten years that they’d had a bath.
4. A new study says that snowflakes may contain bacteria. So remember to use a condom when you sleep with snowmen.
5. A ‘living goddess’ in Nepal has retired from her ritual duties, even though she’s only eleven years old. That’s the price for being adopted by Angelina Jolie.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
3/1
1. A White House aide resigned after it was discovered that he plagiarized a professor for a newspaper column on education. He later explained that he wanted to show students what NOT to do. Cheating on a column about education! We haven’t seen anything like this since the environmental secretary published a memo on the skin of a baby fur seal. Actually, we should be thrilled that anyone in the Bush administration is even reading academic papers.
2. Presidential candidates and their staffs have been spending a lot of time in Rhode Island recently. The candidates have to coordinate well with each other there, since there isn’t physically enough room in Rhode Island to have two rallies at the same time.
3. Scientists have now learned that bats fly in much the same way as insects. To find this out, they made bats fly through wind tunnels filled with fog and lasers. They paid for the experiments by selling the film footage to music video makers.
4. Obama t-shirt sales are surging, which is good, since with everyone downloading his speeches for free, that’s the only way he can make money.
5. The airplane manufacturer Boeing has lost its contract with the US military to build planes that refuel other planes in flight. However, fliers on commercial airliners may be able to hire Boeing to supply them with food in-flight.
2. Presidential candidates and their staffs have been spending a lot of time in Rhode Island recently. The candidates have to coordinate well with each other there, since there isn’t physically enough room in Rhode Island to have two rallies at the same time.
3. Scientists have now learned that bats fly in much the same way as insects. To find this out, they made bats fly through wind tunnels filled with fog and lasers. They paid for the experiments by selling the film footage to music video makers.
4. Obama t-shirt sales are surging, which is good, since with everyone downloading his speeches for free, that’s the only way he can make money.
5. The airplane manufacturer Boeing has lost its contract with the US military to build planes that refuel other planes in flight. However, fliers on commercial airliners may be able to hire Boeing to supply them with food in-flight.
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