1. A hunter in Iowa was shot in the leg after a dog stepped on his gun. The shot also hit one of the roughly 500,000 presidential candidates currently in the state, who was busy campaigning to some gophers. Local farmers were glad, because most of the candidates haven’t raised any money, so they’rve been devouring crops.
2. An artist has carved a naked chocolate Jesus in New York City. He said that like Jesus coming down from the cross, it would be a little sticky and surrounded by women.
3. A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.
4. According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.
5. The cabin crews of Air France are on strike. Passengers are now free to move around the cabin.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
10/30
1. The Foreign Minister of Great Britain said that his country and Saudi Arabia could unite over their shared values. For example, they both maintain an embarrassing royal family, vacation in Spain, and have soccer teams full of players from other countries.
2. Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
3. Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
4. A ship near Somalia was taken over by pirates yesterday. Officials say they’re still trying to find out what the pirates’ demands are. My money is on… well, money.
5. A company in Great Britain is going to produce black pudding ice cream. Yum, sounds tasty, until you discover that black pudding is dried pig blood. Another triumph for British cooking! From the people who brought you fried fish in a greasy newspaper, comes a dessert that tastes even more disgusting than the main course.
2. Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
3. Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
4. A ship near Somalia was taken over by pirates yesterday. Officials say they’re still trying to find out what the pirates’ demands are. My money is on… well, money.
5. A company in Great Britain is going to produce black pudding ice cream. Yum, sounds tasty, until you discover that black pudding is dried pig blood. Another triumph for British cooking! From the people who brought you fried fish in a greasy newspaper, comes a dessert that tastes even more disgusting than the main course.
Monday, October 29, 2007
10/29
1. The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”
2. Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
3. Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
4. The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
5. A clam between the ages of 405 and 410 years old has just been found. It is the oldest living creature ever discovered, as long as you count the members of the Rolling Stones individually.
2. Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
3. Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
4. The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
5. A clam between the ages of 405 and 410 years old has just been found. It is the oldest living creature ever discovered, as long as you count the members of the Rolling Stones individually.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
10/27
1. Prostitutes in Bolivia have sewn their lips together to protest their brothels being closed. And if the brothels don’t open soon, they might sew their mouths shut too.
2. A kid in Georgia was finally freed from prison today. When he was 17, he had oral sex with a 15-year-old and got sentenced to 10 years. Jesus, who was the judge? Her father?
3. Apple Computers is launching a new computer system called Leopard. They got the idea by watching people run off with their iPods. “Man, that guy is fast as a leopard! Hey…”
4. The Nintendo Wii is going to start selling in China. Experts say the most popular game is probably going to be “Beating Unarmed Protesters II”.
5. Ex-president Estrada of the Philippines has now been released. Man, I’d been wondering what Erik Estrada had been doing after all these years.
2. A kid in Georgia was finally freed from prison today. When he was 17, he had oral sex with a 15-year-old and got sentenced to 10 years. Jesus, who was the judge? Her father?
3. Apple Computers is launching a new computer system called Leopard. They got the idea by watching people run off with their iPods. “Man, that guy is fast as a leopard! Hey…”
4. The Nintendo Wii is going to start selling in China. Experts say the most popular game is probably going to be “Beating Unarmed Protesters II”.
5. Ex-president Estrada of the Philippines has now been released. Man, I’d been wondering what Erik Estrada had been doing after all these years.
Friday, October 26, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
A 24-year-old Argentinean has lost his 82-year-old wife. She died of heart problems after their honeymoon in Brazil. Actually, I’m surprised she didn’t die of heart problems during their honeymoon in Brazil.
An unknown person dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired, over and over again, by the green beer, that I decided to rediscover some snow by coloring it yellow.
Many headlines today read “Britney Spears Allowed to See Children”. Not HER children, mind you, but just children in general.
Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
A new study says that liking garlic and coffee is heavily genetic. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
New York City has released 700,000 ladybugs to eat aphids, other parasites, and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THEIR PATH! Run! Run! Haven’t they learned? This is like last year, when they released thousands of presidential candidates to tire out all the crazies in the parks, and now look. Did you see the 5,000th Republican debate last night? There were more people on stage than in the audience.
A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
The state police in Washington have won an award for the best-looking uniforms in the country. Which might explain why a nice cardigan and shoes can get you out of a ticket there.
A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
A 750-year-old German church is being moved in order to mine coal beneath it. The coal apparently developed from all the bullshit filtering down from the pulpit.
China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to a more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
An unknown person dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired, over and over again, by the green beer, that I decided to rediscover some snow by coloring it yellow.
Many headlines today read “Britney Spears Allowed to See Children”. Not HER children, mind you, but just children in general.
Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
A new study says that liking garlic and coffee is heavily genetic. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
New York City has released 700,000 ladybugs to eat aphids, other parasites, and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THEIR PATH! Run! Run! Haven’t they learned? This is like last year, when they released thousands of presidential candidates to tire out all the crazies in the parks, and now look. Did you see the 5,000th Republican debate last night? There were more people on stage than in the audience.
A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
The state police in Washington have won an award for the best-looking uniforms in the country. Which might explain why a nice cardigan and shoes can get you out of a ticket there.
A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
A 750-year-old German church is being moved in order to mine coal beneath it. The coal apparently developed from all the bullshit filtering down from the pulpit.
China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to a more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
10/26
1. A new poll shows that a third of Americans consider themselves extremely stressed. Most of them are the people who have to go around taking polls about whether people are stressed.
2. A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
3. A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
4. There’s a new postage stamp with Yoda on it. But wouldn’t Yoda know that people use the internet these days?
5. The president of France says that commercial planting of genetically modified foods will be banned. So I guess it’s okay if you give it away.
2. A scientist has predicted that in 100,000 years, humans will split into two different subspecies, one tall and handsome, and the other an “underclass” of squat strange-looking creatures. Sort of like the division between actors and comedians.
3. A woman in England has been arrested for disturbing her neighbors with Dolly Parton songs at extreme volumes. The woman was found not guilty though, when she turned out to be… Dolly Parton. “When I talk, people just think it’s music.”
4. There’s a new postage stamp with Yoda on it. But wouldn’t Yoda know that people use the internet these days?
5. The president of France says that commercial planting of genetically modified foods will be banned. So I guess it’s okay if you give it away.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
10/25
1. The state police in Washington have won an award for the best-looking uniforms in the country. Which might explain why a nice cardigan and shoes can get out of a ticket there.
2. An artist dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired over and over again by the green beer, that I decided to dye the snow in my front yard yellow.
3. A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
4. Two dating artists in Croatia broke up, and being apparently totally crazy, decided to turn their break-up into art. They travel around and ask people to contribute objects from failed relationships. If my ex ever contributed something, I think it should be… my soul. No, I mean the sole of my shoe. She gnawed it off as I was going out the door.
5. A digital scan of the Mona Lisa shows that she originally had eyebrows and eyelashes. In the end, Leonardo apparently preferred Smoothies.
2. An artist dropped red dye into the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and an art critic said “we rediscovered the Fountain of Trevi thanks to that liquid.” Yes, I feel the same when they dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. “I have come to see you in a different light, Fine Lager. No longer do you merely represent vomiting in my own bed. Now, you are a symbol of harmony with Mother Nature.” In fact, I was so inspired over and over again by the green beer, that I decided to dye the snow in my front yard yellow.
3. A woman in New York found a famous million-dollar painting in the garbage on the street. Part of the sale will go to paying fines, because the painting is now technically recycling, and they didn’t put it in the right color bag.
4. Two dating artists in Croatia broke up, and being apparently totally crazy, decided to turn their break-up into art. They travel around and ask people to contribute objects from failed relationships. If my ex ever contributed something, I think it should be… my soul. No, I mean the sole of my shoe. She gnawed it off as I was going out the door.
5. A digital scan of the Mona Lisa shows that she originally had eyebrows and eyelashes. In the end, Leonardo apparently preferred Smoothies.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
10/24
1. A 750-year-old German church is being moved in order to mine coal beneath it. The coal apparently developed from all the bullshit filtering down from the pulpit.
2. China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
3. A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
4. A chemical in broccoli may prevent sun-related skin cancer when applied to the skin. “I don’t like broccoli, mom!” “Don’t worry, I’m just going to rub it on your skin.”
5. The rates of obesity in the rest of the world, except for East and South Asia, are now catching up to the United States. So you know what that means -- we have to eat more! We have to stay number one! More Baconators! Have you heard that slogan over at Wendy’s? “You get what you deserve at Wendy’s.” Yes, you certainly do.
2. China will launch a probe to orbit the moon and take photographs. Apparently, that’s how far they might have to go to hold Olympic events that are pollution-free.
3. A new study says that without sleep, “the brain reverts back to more primitive pattern of activity.” Is that why we drool? Or why when I don’t get enough sleep, I sometimes eat an intern?
4. A chemical in broccoli may prevent sun-related skin cancer when applied to the skin. “I don’t like broccoli, mom!” “Don’t worry, I’m just going to rub it on your skin.”
5. The rates of obesity in the rest of the world, except for East and South Asia, are now catching up to the United States. So you know what that means -- we have to eat more! We have to stay number one! More Baconators! Have you heard that slogan over at Wendy’s? “You get what you deserve at Wendy’s.” Yes, you certainly do.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
10/23
1. You might have seen the headlines that said “Britney Spears Allowed to See Children”. Not HER children, mind you, but just children in general.
2. Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, recently cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
3. A 24-year-old Argentinean has lost his 82-year-old wife. She died of heart problems after returning from their honeymoon in Brazil. I’m surprised she didn’t die of heart problems during their honeymoon in Brazil.
4. A new study says that the foods with the strongest link between liking them and genes were garlic and coffee. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
5. Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
2. Magician David Copperfield, who is under investigation for sexual assault, recently cancelled a tour of Southeast Asia, because when you’re being investigated for sex crimes, the last place you want to be seen is Southeast Asia.
3. A 24-year-old Argentinean has lost his 82-year-old wife. She died of heart problems after returning from their honeymoon in Brazil. I’m surprised she didn’t die of heart problems during their honeymoon in Brazil.
4. A new study says that the foods with the strongest link between liking them and genes were garlic and coffee. Which makes sense, because if you’re eating a lot of garlic and coffee, you’re probably only having sex with other people who eat a lot of garlic and coffee.
5. Viagra has been linked to sudden hearing loss. Yeah, that’s called orgasm. I know it’s been awhile, so you’ve might have forgotten.
Monday, October 22, 2007
10/22
1. New York City has released 700,000 ladybugs to eat aphids, other parasites, and everything else in their path! Run! Run! Haven’t they learned? This is like last year, when they released thousands of presidential candidates to tire out all the crazies in the parks, and now look. Did you see the 5,000th Republican debate last night? There are more people on stage than in the audience.
2. In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
3. The fast food chain Wendy’s dropped its “Biggie” name last year, because for some reason, people were associating five hundred gallons of soda with being overweight.
4. The Pope has said that religion should not become a “vehicle for hatred”. Well then you’d better take those gun turrets off the Popemobile. Put some suede upholstery in the back and a little Barry White on the stereo. Make the Popemobile a “vehicle of love”.
5. JK Rowling has admitted that Dumbledore, the wizard from the Harry Potter books, is gay. He fell in love with a dark and tortured figure from his past, who lived in a pineapple under the sea. Yes, he was in love with SpongeBob SquarePants.
2. In South Korea, an ultra-modern house in the shape of a toilet has been built. They’re having problems, though, because the blue paint in one of the upper bedrooms keeps leaking into the rest of the house.
3. The fast food chain Wendy’s dropped its “Biggie” name last year, because for some reason, people were associating five hundred gallons of soda with being overweight.
4. The Pope has said that religion should not become a “vehicle for hatred”. Well then you’d better take those gun turrets off the Popemobile. Put some suede upholstery in the back and a little Barry White on the stereo. Make the Popemobile a “vehicle of love”.
5. JK Rowling has admitted that Dumbledore, the wizard from the Harry Potter books, is gay. He fell in love with a dark and tortured figure from his past, who lived in a pineapple under the sea. Yes, he was in love with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
10/20
1. Senator Christopher Dodd has put his name on the presidential ballot in New Hampshire, which is good for him, because you probably don’t know this, but he’s been running for president.
2. Italy has just banned a fashion ad for featuring an anorexic. But doesn‘t that mean that they’ve just banned all fashion ads?
3. The FBI has raided the Las Vegas warehouse of magician David Copperfield. But of course, considering this is David Copperfield, his Las Vegas warehouse was actually in Milwaukee.
4. More and more companies are starting “no e-mail” days to help workers cope with the deluge of e-mail that they receive. This is similar to the “no pants” day at my office.
5. The dollar continues to hit new lows against other currencies. The euro, the yen, the Canadian dollar. In Nepal, the dollar is now only worth two yaks. But unlike yaks, dollars still don’t eat your furniture, so you’ll save in the long run.
2. Italy has just banned a fashion ad for featuring an anorexic. But doesn‘t that mean that they’ve just banned all fashion ads?
3. The FBI has raided the Las Vegas warehouse of magician David Copperfield. But of course, considering this is David Copperfield, his Las Vegas warehouse was actually in Milwaukee.
4. More and more companies are starting “no e-mail” days to help workers cope with the deluge of e-mail that they receive. This is similar to the “no pants” day at my office.
5. The dollar continues to hit new lows against other currencies. The euro, the yen, the Canadian dollar. In Nepal, the dollar is now only worth two yaks. But unlike yaks, dollars still don’t eat your furniture, so you’ll save in the long run.
Friday, October 19, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
Police say that Delta Airline baggage handlers have been caught smuggling heroin and cocaine. Police became suspicious when several baggage handlers were filmed treating suitcases carefully and respectfully.
A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
The operator of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in their goals. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
A new study says daily sex increases sperm count. Does masturbation count? Maybe that’s why my lovers’ heads keep exploding off their bodies.
Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, he simply turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma, which is the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
People who lead a good clean life without any sins are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, but why would they want to remember a life like that? They’re also apparently more likely to die from boredom.
Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
A new study says you can get sick by making your bed. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting graffiti on refrigerators across the city.
Scientists have discovered a microscopic species that has survived for 80 million years without sexual reproduction. Which means my old record has been completely shattered.
A brewery in New Zealand is offering free beer for life in exchange for a stolen computer. The plan backfired though, when brewery staff went to work the next day and found all the rest of their computers stolen.
A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed inside.
Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
The operator of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in their goals. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
A new study says daily sex increases sperm count. Does masturbation count? Maybe that’s why my lovers’ heads keep exploding off their bodies.
Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, he simply turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma, which is the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
People who lead a good clean life without any sins are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, but why would they want to remember a life like that? They’re also apparently more likely to die from boredom.
Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
A new study says you can get sick by making your bed. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting graffiti on refrigerators across the city.
Scientists have discovered a microscopic species that has survived for 80 million years without sexual reproduction. Which means my old record has been completely shattered.
A brewery in New Zealand is offering free beer for life in exchange for a stolen computer. The plan backfired though, when brewery staff went to work the next day and found all the rest of their computers stolen.
A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed inside.
Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
10/19
1. A brewery in New Zealand is offering free beer for life for returning a stolen computer. The plan backfired though, when brewery staff went to work the next day and found all the rest of their computers stolen.
2. A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed into cargo holds.
3. Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
4. John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
5. Atlanta, Georgia apparently has only 85 days of drinking water left. So tonight, every ounce that the audience sweats is going to be gathered and shipped south. No thanks necessary, Atlanta. We’re all in this together.
2. A new study says that twice as much carbon dioxide comes from ships than from planes. Mainly because of all the illegal immigrants stuffed into cargo holds.
3. Scientists say that stretching before exercise doesn’t make your muscles less sore afterwards. Upon hearing the news, millions of people doing yoga said: “Wait, stretching isn’t exercise?”
4. John McCain is fighting claims that he’s too old by bringing his mother on the campaign trail. However, things went badly when she described how it was hard to raise him with all the Indian attacks.
5. Atlanta, Georgia apparently has only 85 days of drinking water left. So tonight, every ounce that the audience sweats is going to be gathered and shipped south. No thanks necessary, Atlanta. We’re all in this together.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
10/18
1. Police say that Delta Airline baggage handlers have been caught smuggling heroin and cocaine. Police became suspicious when several baggage handlers were filmed treating suitcases carefully and respectfully.
2. A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
3. The pilot of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That also happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
4. Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in policy. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
5. An art museum in Russia is planning a statue dedicated to ex-president Boris Yeltsin, It is being called the “biomorphic black monster”, which coincidentally, is also the nickname for Yeltsin’s hair.
2. A new study says that swearing at work can cut stress. and am I fucking glad to hear it.
3. The pilot of an unmanned plane that crashed in Arizona apparently turned off the engine and didn’t notice. That also happened to me once after a Grateful Dead concert. “Dude, the car’s not moving.” “I think you turned off the engine.”
4. Upon hearing that the Dalai Lama would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Communist Party in Tibet said “if the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” They then clarified that this was not a statement about the world, but a change in policy. “There must be no justice or good people in the world! We will eliminate all of them!”
5. An art museum in Russia is planning a statue dedicated to ex-president Boris Yeltsin, It is being called the “biomorphic black monster”, which coincidentally, is also the nickname for Yeltsin’s hair.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
10/17
1. A new study says daily sex increases sperm count. Does masturbation count? Maybe that’s why my lovers’ heads keep exploding off their bodies!
2. Some scientists say the part of garlic that causes bad breath also helps keep blood flowing smoothly. Maybe because the blood just wants to get away from the smell. It also keeps vampires away, which really keeps blood circulating.
3. Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, Putin turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
4. A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
5. Some scientists say laptop computers might damage male fertility, because the heat warms the testicles too much. A similar study found that hot baths did the same thing. And what really harms fertility is working on laptops while sitting in hot baths, because then you’re dead.
2. Some scientists say the part of garlic that causes bad breath also helps keep blood flowing smoothly. Maybe because the blood just wants to get away from the smell. It also keeps vampires away, which really keeps blood circulating.
3. Vladimir Putin is going to visit Iran despite a reported assassination plot against him there. As soon as he arrived in Iran, Putin turned into Mecha-Putin. And wrestled a bear.
4. A new study suggested microwaving sponges to kill bacteria, but oddly, many people report that dry sponges catch fire in microwaves. How about just getting a new sponge?
5. Some scientists say laptop computers might damage male fertility, because the heat warms the testicles too much. A similar study found that hot baths did the same thing. And what really harms fertility is working on laptops while sitting in hot baths, because then you’re dead.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
10/16
1. People who lead a good clean life without any sins are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, but why would they want to remember a life like that? They’re also apparently more likely to die from boredom.
2. Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
3. A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
4. A new study says not making beds can make you healthier. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
5. A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting “graffiti” on refrigerators across the country.
2. Two men who made millions sending out spam e-mails will now go to prison for five years, where they’re going to learn the dark side of cheap Viagra.
3. A farm in England spent nine years figuring out how to miniaturize pigs, which have become popular pets. Nine years to basically develop… dogs. Don’t we already have those?
4. A new study says not making beds can make you healthier. This is the biggest news for teenagers since last week’s announcement that house-cleaning causes asthma. To further test their research, the scientists want to put mite pockets in the beds of average people. But I don’t think average people would choose to sleep with mite pockets. I prefer my wife.
5. A six-year-old in New York got a $300 graffiti fine for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk. The NYPD is now targeting “graffiti” on refrigerators across the country.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
10/13
1. Scientists have discovered a microscopic species that has survived for 80 million years without sexual reproduction. Which means that my old record has been completely shattered.
2. Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma. This has been the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
3. The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but I think maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
4. A Hindu festival in India is being sued by JK Rowling for building a Harry Potter display. Hindu? Isn’t that like a Catholic church bake sale having a big display from “1,001 Arabian Nights”?
5. Scientists believe that tiger stripes on one of Saturn’s moons might indicate a liquid ocean beneath the icy exterior. They’ve also conjectured the same from some tiger-stripe pants seen on Hillary Clinton.
2. Scientists say that doing housework can raise the risk of asthma. This has been the biggest news for teenagers since the discovery that homework causes cancer.
3. The body of football player George Gipp, who inspired “Win one for the Gipper!”, has been taken out of his grave for DNA testing. They’re not saying why, but I think maybe the cheerleaders were winning one for the Gipper too.
4. A Hindu festival in India is being sued by JK Rowling for building a Harry Potter display. Hindu? Isn’t that like a Catholic church bake sale having a big display from “1,001 Arabian Nights”?
5. Scientists believe that tiger stripes on one of Saturn’s moons might indicate a liquid ocean beneath the icy exterior. They’ve also conjectured the same from some tiger-stripe pants seen on Hillary Clinton.
Friday, October 12, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
This week, a politician in Ohio, Matthew Barrett, gave a slide show at a high school and accidentally put up nude pictures of women. He claims to not know how the pictures got in his computer, but look at his photo. This is obviously a man watching a lot of naked women. He looks like he’s looking at one right now. That’s also the same expression the kids had when the pictures went up. Barrett’s computer was supposed to contain graphics on how bills become laws -- just not quite SO graphic. This incident will probably lead to new laws itself, so it was sort of a real-life lesson. Afterwards, Barrett actually said: “It took me probably a second or so to look at it and say, ‘That’s not the Power Point.’” His wife later agreed that he had trouble identifying a woman’s power point.
Doctors in Australia recently saved a man with an IV drip of pure vodka. Yes, in Australia, that’s a medical technique known as ‘breakfast’.
Two men in California were found guilty of killing an ostrich because it wounded their male pride. Yes, as opposed to going to prison for killing an ostrich. And I’m sure their fellow prisoners are going to be veeeery respectful of their male pride.
The iconic black and white poster of Che Guevara was created 40 years ago today, giving college-aged men the cheapest way to seem intellectual to women since the word “post-modern”. I still have no idea what that word means.
Senator Larry Craig has decided to stick out his term until he has exhausted all legal options. Said Craig, “I am not just trying to stall, I mean stop, the investigation. I definitely don’t stall anymore.”
In Louisiana, an 11-year-old boy and his parents were arrested after the boy led police on a car chase. The chase only paused when he stopped at Burger King to pick up his mom. Shouldn’t the mother have taken over at that point? What was the conversation like? “The cops are after me, mom.” “Drive faster.” The boy was charged with fleeing from an officer, reckless driving, speeding, passing on the shoulder, improper lane usage, and having no driver’s license. Would they really have noticed proper lane usage? “Well, you’re 11 years old, speeding, and recklessly endangering people, but you did use the lanes properly. Good boy.”
Scientists have announced the first species ever created in a lab. A previous claim was discounted when it turned out that despite the botox, Geena Davis is still technically human.
A new study shows that more people use Google than all other search engines combined. I know it’s certainly more popular than my grandfather’s method of writing a question on a computer, sealing the computer in a bottle, and then hurling it in a river.
A chemist has won the Nobel Prize for showing how particles of gas behave when they land on solid surfaces. Badly, is my guess. Gases have a hard time settling down after their wild days of floating around without a care. He also earned an extra award for getting the particles to go to bed early.
A Catholic priest in Argentina has been found guilty of helping with seven murders, 42 abductions, and 31 cases of torture, so if you think we have it bad with priests for just doing a little diddly with altar boys…
A new study says that stun guns are “safe”. Well, except for the 50,000 volts that go through your body. But as a father of two-year-olds, I can tell you that 50,000 volts is nothing.
President Bush said again today: “This government does not torture people.” His legal basis is an Alberto Gonzales memo stating that terrorists are not technically ‘people’, but simply ‘guys’. “We do torture guys. Just not people.”
The maker of the Halo video games is breaking away from Microsoft. This is the first time anyone has tried to break away from Microsoft since the clip below.
10/12
1. A chemist has won the Nobel Prize for showing how particles of gas behave when they land on solid surfaces. Badly, is my guess. Gases have a hard time settling down after their wild days of floating around without a care. He also earned an extra award for getting the particles to go to bed early.
2. A Mexican politician has been accused of cheating in a marathon. A marathon? Not voter fraud or killing unarmed civilians? This is a great day for Mexican politics.
3. A new study shows that more people use Google than all other search engines combined. I know it’s certainly more popular than my grandfather’s method of writing a question on a computer, sealing the computer in a bottle, and then hurling it into a river.
4. An Australian man has grafted a human ear into his arm for the sake of art. This is obviously a man who is not trying to pick up women anymore. At a certain point, you just say: “Fuck it. Put an ear on my arm.”
5. [photo] The nation of Belarus is going to develop a nuclear plant. Can we get a picture of Belarus president Lukashenko? Is he trying to look like Hitler? Is this the look you want when trying to soothe the fears of other countries?
2. A Mexican politician has been accused of cheating in a marathon. A marathon? Not voter fraud or killing unarmed civilians? This is a great day for Mexican politics.
3. A new study shows that more people use Google than all other search engines combined. I know it’s certainly more popular than my grandfather’s method of writing a question on a computer, sealing the computer in a bottle, and then hurling it into a river.
4. An Australian man has grafted a human ear into his arm for the sake of art. This is obviously a man who is not trying to pick up women anymore. At a certain point, you just say: “Fuck it. Put an ear on my arm.”
5. [photo] The nation of Belarus is going to develop a nuclear plant. Can we get a picture of Belarus president Lukashenko? Is he trying to look like Hitler? Is this the look you want when trying to soothe the fears of other countries?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
10/11
1. Doctors in Australia recently saved a man with an IV drip of pure vodka. Yes, in Australia, that’s a medical technique known as ‘breakfast’.
2. A Catholic priest in Argentina has been found guilty of helping seven murders, 42 abductions, and 31 cases of torture, so if you think we have it bad with Catholic priests for just doing a little diddly with the altar boys…
3. A dinosaur footprint has been found in Montana that may have belonged to Tyrannosaurus Rex. So now we have bones and a footprint. It’s time to get a search warrant. He’s got little arms and a big mouth. No, he’s not a rapper.
4. Mother moose come to human settlements because there are fewer bears. A similar event happens here at NBC, with pregnant audience members clustering near our set, because it’s relatively free of Today Show predators. Oh wait! [Have a Today Show member emerge from a door and approach a pregnant audience member, and then Late Night staff beat him away.]
5. The new commander of the International Space Station has been given a whip as a gift before going up. I wonder how that makes the other astronauts feel?
2. A Catholic priest in Argentina has been found guilty of helping seven murders, 42 abductions, and 31 cases of torture, so if you think we have it bad with Catholic priests for just doing a little diddly with the altar boys…
3. A dinosaur footprint has been found in Montana that may have belonged to Tyrannosaurus Rex. So now we have bones and a footprint. It’s time to get a search warrant. He’s got little arms and a big mouth. No, he’s not a rapper.
4. Mother moose come to human settlements because there are fewer bears. A similar event happens here at NBC, with pregnant audience members clustering near our set, because it’s relatively free of Today Show predators. Oh wait! [Have a Today Show member emerge from a door and approach a pregnant audience member, and then Late Night staff beat him away.]
5. The new commander of the International Space Station has been given a whip as a gift before going up. I wonder how that makes the other astronauts feel?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
10/10
1. The governor of New York is thinking of giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. Which means if you thought there were a lot of taxis now… Have you ever been approached by a gypsy cab? “Hey, get in the car. I’m a taxi.” “Really? So am I. Get on my back.” What? Who the hell are you? Why should I trust you? People who would never hitchhike are willing to get into these things. And they always drive these cars that look like they’re renting them from mafia hit men. “So, do you want to ride up front or in the trunk?”
2. A blue diamond sold for a record $7.98 million, which was the most ever paid for an almond.
3. Scientists now say that a bad marriage can increase the risk of heart disease. But drinking can reduce the risk of heart disease. However, drinking can also increase the risk of a bad marriage, which can increase the risk of heart disease. Fortunately, running in circles also reduces the risk of heart disease, so you’ll be okay in the end.
4. The Nobel Prize in Medicine has gone to scientists for developing a new type of gene therapy. And psychiatrists say the therapy is still going very well for Gene Simmons.
5. A new art exhibit has opened up in the Tate Gallery of London, featuring a giant crack that extends the entire length of the gallery. The crack can be viewed from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., when the plumber goes home.
2. A blue diamond sold for a record $7.98 million, which was the most ever paid for an almond.
3. Scientists now say that a bad marriage can increase the risk of heart disease. But drinking can reduce the risk of heart disease. However, drinking can also increase the risk of a bad marriage, which can increase the risk of heart disease. Fortunately, running in circles also reduces the risk of heart disease, so you’ll be okay in the end.
4. The Nobel Prize in Medicine has gone to scientists for developing a new type of gene therapy. And psychiatrists say the therapy is still going very well for Gene Simmons.
5. A new art exhibit has opened up in the Tate Gallery of London, featuring a giant crack that extends the entire length of the gallery. The crack can be viewed from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., when the plumber goes home.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
10/9
1. Two men in California were found guilty of killing an ostrich because it wounded their male pride. Yes, as opposed to going to prison for killing an ostrich. And I’m sure their fellow prisoners are going to be veeeery respectful of their male pride.
2. A new study says that stun guns are “safe”. Have they asked the people who got stunned? And “safe”… except for that whole 50,000 volts that go through your body. But as a father of two-year-olds, I can tell you that 50,000 volts is nothing.
3. Celebrations of the 40th anniversary of Che Guevara’s death are now being held in poster shops across the nation. Said one poster shop owner: “Without Che, I never would have afforded my beach house.”
4. Asia is getting its own internet domain called .asia. Most of the available sites were immediately taken over by China, but only the sites from Japan actually worked. No one has been able to access the sites from North Korea. And all the customer service sites went to India.
5. In Paris, five drunk people broke into a museum and punched a hole in a painting by Monet. They saw the name “Monet” and were trying to get at all the (French accent) “money” hidden behind it.
2. A new study says that stun guns are “safe”. Have they asked the people who got stunned? And “safe”… except for that whole 50,000 volts that go through your body. But as a father of two-year-olds, I can tell you that 50,000 volts is nothing.
3. Celebrations of the 40th anniversary of Che Guevara’s death are now being held in poster shops across the nation. Said one poster shop owner: “Without Che, I never would have afforded my beach house.”
4. Asia is getting its own internet domain called .asia. Most of the available sites were immediately taken over by China, but only the sites from Japan actually worked. No one has been able to access the sites from North Korea. And all the customer service sites went to India.
5. In Paris, five drunk people broke into a museum and punched a hole in a painting by Monet. They saw the name “Monet” and were trying to get at all the (French accent) “money” hidden behind it.
Monday, October 8, 2007
10/8
1. [YouTube clip] The maker of the Halo video games is breaking away from Microsoft. This is the first time anyone has tried to break away from Microsoft since the clip above?
2. An 11-year-old boy and his parents in Louisiana have been arrested after he led police on a car chase. The chase briefly paused when the kid stopped at a Burger King to pick up his mom. Shouldn’t the mother have taken over at that point? What was the conversation like? “The cops are after me, mom.” “Drive faster.” The boy was charged with fleeing from an officer, reckless driving, speeding, passing on the shoulder, improper lane usage, and having no driver’s license. Would they really have noticed proper lane usage? “Well, you’re 11 years old, speeding, and recklessly endangering people, but you did use the lanes properly. Good boy.”
3. The first species ever created in a lab has been announced. A previous claim was later discounted when it turned out that despite the botox, Geena Davis is still technically human.
4. Led Zeppelin fans may be refused entry to the reunion concert if they paid for the tickets using someone else’s credit card. This means a lot of grandmas might be there.
5. Many pregnant women are avoiding all seafood to avoid mercury poisoning. But now scientists say they should eat at least some seafood to get Omega-3 fatty acids. And other experts are saying no one should ever have any kids at all, because it’s just too complicated.
2. An 11-year-old boy and his parents in Louisiana have been arrested after he led police on a car chase. The chase briefly paused when the kid stopped at a Burger King to pick up his mom. Shouldn’t the mother have taken over at that point? What was the conversation like? “The cops are after me, mom.” “Drive faster.” The boy was charged with fleeing from an officer, reckless driving, speeding, passing on the shoulder, improper lane usage, and having no driver’s license. Would they really have noticed proper lane usage? “Well, you’re 11 years old, speeding, and recklessly endangering people, but you did use the lanes properly. Good boy.”
3. The first species ever created in a lab has been announced. A previous claim was later discounted when it turned out that despite the botox, Geena Davis is still technically human.
4. Led Zeppelin fans may be refused entry to the reunion concert if they paid for the tickets using someone else’s credit card. This means a lot of grandmas might be there.
5. Many pregnant women are avoiding all seafood to avoid mercury poisoning. But now scientists say they should eat at least some seafood to get Omega-3 fatty acids. And other experts are saying no one should ever have any kids at all, because it’s just too complicated.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
10/6
1. [photo] This week, a state representative in Ohio, Matthew Barrett, gave a slide show at a high school and accidentally put up nude pictures of women. He claims that he doesn’t know how the pictures got in his computer, but look at his photo. This is obviously a man watching a lot of naked women. He looks like he’s looking at one right now. That’s also the same expression the kids had when the pictures went up. Barrett’s computer was supposed to contain graphics on how bills become laws -- just not quite SO graphic. This incident will probably lead to new laws itself, so it was sort of a real-life lesson. Afterwards, Barrett actually said: “It took me probably a second or so to look at it and say, ‘That’s not the Power Point.’” His wife later agreed that he had trouble identifying a woman’s power point.
2. The classic black and white poster of Che Guevara was created 40 years ago today, giving college-aged men the cheapest way to seem intellectual to women since the word “post-modern”. I still have no idea what that word means.
3. Senator Larry Craig has decided to stick out his term until he has exhausted all legal options. Said Craig, “I am not just trying to stall, I mean stop, the investigation. I definitely don’t stall anymore.”
4. Wall Street was happy to learn that the economy added 110,000 jobs in September. Unfortunately, all of them were connected to coverage of OJ Simpson.
5. President Bush said again today: “This government does not torture people.” His legal basis is an Alberto Gonzales memo stating that terrorists are not technically ‘people’, but simply ‘guys’. “We do torture guys. Just not people.”
2. The classic black and white poster of Che Guevara was created 40 years ago today, giving college-aged men the cheapest way to seem intellectual to women since the word “post-modern”. I still have no idea what that word means.
3. Senator Larry Craig has decided to stick out his term until he has exhausted all legal options. Said Craig, “I am not just trying to stall, I mean stop, the investigation. I definitely don’t stall anymore.”
4. Wall Street was happy to learn that the economy added 110,000 jobs in September. Unfortunately, all of them were connected to coverage of OJ Simpson.
5. President Bush said again today: “This government does not torture people.” His legal basis is an Alberto Gonzales memo stating that terrorists are not technically ‘people’, but simply ‘guys’. “We do torture guys. Just not people.”
Friday, October 5, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
Director Francis Ford Coppola’s new movie script was recently stolen. However, it could have been a far greater tragedy for cinema -- it could have been stolen 30 years ago, when he was still making good movies.
Why is China being asked to intervene with the Burmese junta about dealing with protesters? What’s the Chinese government going to do? Offer tips? “When we shoot our unarmed protesters, we aim for their heads. That way, we can still grind up their livers and sell them as tiger penis.”
In London, counter-terrorism squads evacuated a building because of a feared chemical attack. When they broke down the door of the Thai restaurant where suspicious fumes were coming from, they found… Thai food. Apparently it overwhelmed the usual London odor of greasy fish and beer. “What’s that smell? It doesn’t seem like rancid beans. It certainly can’t be coming from a restaurant.”
When the president of South Korea arrived in North Korea, he was greeted by hundreds of thousands of North Koreans waving plastic flowers. Plastic, of course, because they ate all the real ones.
Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
In Afghanistan, a boy from the movie “The Kite Runner” is being evacuated from the country because of fears that people will kill him. That’s the same reason why Ben Affleck can’t go back to Boston.
Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. And isn’t “Toronto Dominion” a scary name for a bank? “Toronto will take over you all!”
eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
A town in southern Spain has tossed the world’s biggest salad. The Guinness Book of World Records made sure that the world’s biggest man was there to have his salad tossed.
Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks. In fact, the number of young people getting older today is nearly one hundred percent.
In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are helping the Clinton Global Initiative, or CGI, to rebuild New Orleans. That’s because movie stars already have a ton of experience with CGI. They want to help build an enormous blue screen behind the city, maybe throw in some dinosaurs.
Why is China being asked to intervene with the Burmese junta about dealing with protesters? What’s the Chinese government going to do? Offer tips? “When we shoot our unarmed protesters, we aim for their heads. That way, we can still grind up their livers and sell them as tiger penis.”
In London, counter-terrorism squads evacuated a building because of a feared chemical attack. When they broke down the door of the Thai restaurant where suspicious fumes were coming from, they found… Thai food. Apparently it overwhelmed the usual London odor of greasy fish and beer. “What’s that smell? It doesn’t seem like rancid beans. It certainly can’t be coming from a restaurant.”
When the president of South Korea arrived in North Korea, he was greeted by hundreds of thousands of North Koreans waving plastic flowers. Plastic, of course, because they ate all the real ones.
Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
In Afghanistan, a boy from the movie “The Kite Runner” is being evacuated from the country because of fears that people will kill him. That’s the same reason why Ben Affleck can’t go back to Boston.
Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. And isn’t “Toronto Dominion” a scary name for a bank? “Toronto will take over you all!”
eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
A town in southern Spain has tossed the world’s biggest salad. The Guinness Book of World Records made sure that the world’s biggest man was there to have his salad tossed.
Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks. In fact, the number of young people getting older today is nearly one hundred percent.
In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are helping the Clinton Global Initiative, or CGI, to rebuild New Orleans. That’s because movie stars already have a ton of experience with CGI. They want to help build an enormous blue screen behind the city, maybe throw in some dinosaurs.
10/5
1. In Afghanistan, a boy from the movie “The Kite Runner” is being evacuated from the country because of fears that people will kill him for the role. That’s the same reason why Ben Affleck can’t go back to Boston.
2. Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
3. Kim Jong Il is saying that reports of him being sick are untrue. Instead, the man who actually claims that a new star appeared in the sky when he was born, revealed that he can bench press 500 pounds, fly, and has a penis so large it can be seen from outer space.
4. Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was just recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
5. A father in China has been training his 10-year-old daughter to swim the English Channel by tying her hand and feet together, then tossing her into a freezing river. He apparently believes that people get kidnapped a lot in England.
2. Drug use across the country has dropped, but that might just be because the baseball season is over.
3. Kim Jong Il is saying that reports of him being sick are untrue. Instead, the man who actually claims that a new star appeared in the sky when he was born, revealed that he can bench press 500 pounds, fly, and has a penis so large it can be seen from outer space.
4. Hamburger meat is being recalled because the Topps Meat Company was just recycling the previous day’s meat into new meat, contaminating the whole batch. Similarly, the government is thinking of recalling all jokes about Britney Spears and Senator Larry Craig.
5. A father in China has been training his 10-year-old daughter to swim the English Channel by tying her hand and feet together, then tossing her into a freezing river. He apparently believes that people get kidnapped a lot in England.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
10/4
1. In London, counter-terrorism squads evacuated a building because of a feared chemical attack. When they broke down the door of the Thai restaurant where fumes were coming from, they found… Thai food. Apparently it overwhelmed the usual London odor of greasy fish and beer. “What is that smell? It doesn’t seem like rancid beans. It certainly can’t be coming from a restaurant.”
2. A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
3. The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades while still offering “outstanding comfort”. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
4. Capsaicin, the chemical that makes chili peppers hot, is now being used as a pain-killer. Unfortunately, all the pain just gets saved up for when you go to the bathroom.
5. New studies show that men tend to sleep better with a partner, while women don’t. I know that’s the case in my house, but I sleep with a knife.
2. A man in Oregon was banned by his local city council from gardening in the nude. He says he just wanted to give the cucumbers an example to live up to.
3. The president of South Korea drove to a summit in North Korea in a Mercedes S600 Guard limousine, which can withstand machine gun fire and grenades while still offering “outstanding comfort”. But this is North Korea -- you’re either going to get attacked by nukes or slingshots. There’s no in-between.
4. Capsaicin, the chemical that makes chili peppers hot, is now being used as a pain-killer. Unfortunately, all the pain just gets saved up for when you go to the bathroom.
5. New studies show that men tend to sleep better with a partner, while women don’t. I know that’s the case in my house, but I sleep with a knife.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
10/3
1. When the president of South Korea arrived in North Korea, he was greeted by hundreds of thousands of North Koreans waving plastic flowers. Plastic, of course, because they ate all the real ones.
2. Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
3. You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
4. A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. So watch out, Citibank. And “Toronto Dominion”. What a scary name for a bank. “Toronto will take over you all!”
5. In Italy, a Mother Superior has barricaded herself in her convent after the archbishop tried to have it closed. She says that she won’t leave until God gives her a sign. What would that sign be, I wonder? How about if some of her nuns dragged her to the ground and began clawing at her face? Because that actually happened. And how does an elderly nun barricade herself? My grandma can barely move her nightstand.
2. Seventy-one percent of American men are overweight. The U.S. has apparently decided that if it can’t have the highest human population in the world, it can have the highest human volume.
3. You can now download the Bible to your cell phone. It’s being sold with the video game “Halo 3”. You can also get free texting with God, but then you have to keep buying new phones, since his messages come chiseled into the screen.
4. A bank in New Jersey named Commerce Bancorp is being bought by a Canadian bank called Toronto Dominion. I think the first sign of trouble at Commerce Bancorp should have been that they couldn’t spell the word “bank”. So watch out, Citibank. And “Toronto Dominion”. What a scary name for a bank. “Toronto will take over you all!”
5. In Italy, a Mother Superior has barricaded herself in her convent after the archbishop tried to have it closed. She says that she won’t leave until God gives her a sign. What would that sign be, I wonder? How about if some of her nuns dragged her to the ground and began clawing at her face? Because that actually happened. And how does an elderly nun barricade herself? My grandma can barely move her nightstand.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
10/2
1. I don’t understand why China is being asked to intervene with the Burmese junta about dealing with protesters. What’s the Chinese government going to do? Offer tips? “When we shoot our unarmed protesters, we aim for their heads. That way, we can still grind up their livers and sell them as tiger penis.”
2. eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
3. A man in Austria tried to bring a bomb into the U.S. Embassy. They caught him when he set off the metal detector going in. The metal detector? What did he think was going to happen?
4. The band Radiohead will be releasing its album online and fans will be allowed to pay whatever they think is appropriate. But considering how rabid some of their fans are, this could be a problem, because the price will be far higher than they can afford.
5. A new world record for stone skipping has been set -- 51 skips. The previous record was held by Fred Bleeter, a 49-year-old convenience store clerk. Said Fred: “Yeah, I’ll see the Stones next time around…”
2. eBay has admitted that it paid too much for the internet phone company Skype. Skype has had trouble making money for the strange reason that it doesn’t charge anything.
3. A man in Austria tried to bring a bomb into the U.S. Embassy. They caught him when he set off the metal detector going in. The metal detector? What did he think was going to happen?
4. The band Radiohead will be releasing its album online and fans will be allowed to pay whatever they think is appropriate. But considering how rabid some of their fans are, this could be a problem, because the price will be far higher than they can afford.
5. A new world record for stone skipping has been set -- 51 skips. The previous record was held by Fred Bleeter, a 49-year-old convenience store clerk. Said Fred: “Yeah, I’ll see the Stones next time around…”
Monday, October 1, 2007
10/1
1. A town in southern Spain has tossed the world’s biggest salad. The Guinness Book of World Records made sure that the world’s biggest man was there to have his salad tossed.
2. Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks involved. In fact, the number of young people getting older is nearly one hundred percent. Kill yourselves now!
3. A female rebel in Colombia stole a plane to escape her life with the guerillas. She said she didn’t threaten the pilot, but was armed with a machete, a knife, a rifle, and 150 bullets. Yeah, that’s called ‘threatening’.
4. In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
5. Newt Gingrich says that he definitely won’t run for the White House in 2008. Said Gingrich: “By this point, they don’t even know who I am at the post office, let alone if I run for president.”
2. Scientists say that although better lifestyles reduce the risk of cancer, the biggest risk is still getting older. Yes, we have far too many people ‘getting older’ these days without even considering the risks involved. In fact, the number of young people getting older is nearly one hundred percent. Kill yourselves now!
3. A female rebel in Colombia stole a plane to escape her life with the guerillas. She said she didn’t threaten the pilot, but was armed with a machete, a knife, a rifle, and 150 bullets. Yeah, that’s called ‘threatening’.
4. In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married an 82-year-old woman. “I don’t care what other people say,” said the groom, Anito Nicolo Smith.
5. Newt Gingrich says that he definitely won’t run for the White House in 2008. Said Gingrich: “By this point, they don’t even know who I am at the post office, let alone if I run for president.”
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