1. Stock markets plummeted after Dubai said it might not make payments on its $60 billion in debt. However, I don’t think Dubai really gets it, since it later announced plans to build the world’s biggest debt clock.
2. A new study says people who over-exercise are at risk of arthritis. Which explains why my thumb joints have been hurting ever since I got a satellite dish.
3. Somali pirates have taken a huge oil tanker headed for the U.S. Now we might really get some action on them, because you don’t mess with America’s oil. The wrath of Navy SEAL snipers is nothing compared to 200 million American commuters.
4. The Vatican has condemned Switzerland’s new ban on Muslim minarets. You know, when even the Vatican says you’re being intolerant of Muslims, maybe it’s time to step back and think a bit. And the Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard. Now he’s going to have to hire a Swiss Guard Guard.
5. Banks say it’s been very hard to quickly arrange documents to modify loans for people facing foreclosure. I guess they lost all the amazing workers who sped through those piles of dodgy subprime mortgages a few years ago.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
1. Australian men are mourning the death of the oldest sheep in the world, their first and only GGGGGGGGGILF.
2. Blocked toilets have become a major problem for Hong Kong airline Cathay Pacific. The airline said since the average weight of Chinese people is rising, they would have to be hidden in new places for trafficking.
3. The Swiss have voted to ban Muslim minarets, while places of worship for other religions will remain legal. So for future reference...
Swiss Opinions of Nazis:
Re: Taking over the world -- “Sorry, it wouldn’t be right to choose sides.”
Re: Religious tolerance -- “You know, those Nazis had a few good points.”
However, the ban doesn’t cover minarets where calls to prayer are sung by mechanical cuckoos. It’s good to see the Swiss helping to keep Muslim extremists from wanting to target the U.S. By this point, we must be only #7 or #8 on their list.
4. Many analysts predict Wall Street CEO Jamie Dimon will be the next Treasury Secretary. People close to him say that he would “love to serve his country”. Specifically as a buffet.
5. The government has recalled 2.1 million cribs for safety reasons, leaving most of the country’s hip-hop community homeless.
6. A prostitute who claims to have slept with Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi says political thugs ransack her home. She says they “take away everything, from panties to dresses, from stockings to bras…” Panties? I think the term isn’t “political thugs” -- it’s “stalkers”. And I should know.
7. Wikipedia has denied news reports that it lost 49,000 editors this year. The website says journalists should have double-checked their facts instead of just reading Wikipedia.
8. Scientists say over 100 icebergs are heading for New Zealand, after the country appealed to the U.S. for help with a lettuce shortage.
9. Today Show host Matt Lauer asked weatherman Al Roker this morning: “How did you find the time to write a mystery novel?!” Well, as the cover indicates, like most celebrity “authors”, it was easy to find the time because Roker didn’t actually write the book -- Dick Lochte did. Sometimes I add salt to my food at a restaurant, but that doesn’t make me the chef.
10. The economic recovery has gotten off to a slower start than analysts originally thought. Largely because analysts have jobs.
11. A new study says children should get dirty more often, because it strengthens their immune systems. Case in point -- you don’t see a lot of pigs getting “swine” flu.
12. The largest animal sacrifice in the world is set to take place in Nepal. It will beat the record set last year at an anthill in Los Angeles by a class of fifth-graders.
2. Blocked toilets have become a major problem for Hong Kong airline Cathay Pacific. The airline said since the average weight of Chinese people is rising, they would have to be hidden in new places for trafficking.
3. The Swiss have voted to ban Muslim minarets, while places of worship for other religions will remain legal. So for future reference...
Swiss Opinions of Nazis:
Re: Taking over the world -- “Sorry, it wouldn’t be right to choose sides.”
Re: Religious tolerance -- “You know, those Nazis had a few good points.”
However, the ban doesn’t cover minarets where calls to prayer are sung by mechanical cuckoos. It’s good to see the Swiss helping to keep Muslim extremists from wanting to target the U.S. By this point, we must be only #7 or #8 on their list.
4. Many analysts predict Wall Street CEO Jamie Dimon will be the next Treasury Secretary. People close to him say that he would “love to serve his country”. Specifically as a buffet.
5. The government has recalled 2.1 million cribs for safety reasons, leaving most of the country’s hip-hop community homeless.
6. A prostitute who claims to have slept with Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi says political thugs ransack her home. She says they “take away everything, from panties to dresses, from stockings to bras…” Panties? I think the term isn’t “political thugs” -- it’s “stalkers”. And I should know.
7. Wikipedia has denied news reports that it lost 49,000 editors this year. The website says journalists should have double-checked their facts instead of just reading Wikipedia.
8. Scientists say over 100 icebergs are heading for New Zealand, after the country appealed to the U.S. for help with a lettuce shortage.
9. Today Show host Matt Lauer asked weatherman Al Roker this morning: “How did you find the time to write a mystery novel?!” Well, as the cover indicates, like most celebrity “authors”, it was easy to find the time because Roker didn’t actually write the book -- Dick Lochte did. Sometimes I add salt to my food at a restaurant, but that doesn’t make me the chef.
10. The economic recovery has gotten off to a slower start than analysts originally thought. Largely because analysts have jobs.
11. A new study says children should get dirty more often, because it strengthens their immune systems. Case in point -- you don’t see a lot of pigs getting “swine” flu.
12. The largest animal sacrifice in the world is set to take place in Nepal. It will beat the record set last year at an anthill in Los Angeles by a class of fifth-graders.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
11/28
1. The Swiss have voted to ban Muslim minarets, while places of worship for other religions will remain legal. So for future reference...
Swiss Opinions of Nazis:
a) Taking over the world: “Sorry, can‘t help you. It wouldn’t be right to choose sides.”
b) Religious tolerance: “You know, those Nazis had a few good points.”
However, the ban doesn’t cover minarets where calls to prayer are sung by mechanical cuckoos. It’s good to see the Swiss helping to keep Muslim extremists from wanting to target the U.S. By this point, we must be only #7 or #8 on their list.
2. Wikipedia has denied news reports that it lost 49,000 editors this year. The website says journalists should have double-checked their facts instead of just reading Wikipedia.
3. After two reality TV wannabes crashed the White House’s first state dinner by distracting the Secret Service with a giant balloon, the White House will hold state dinners at airports, because the security is much tighter.
4. Tiger Woods asked police to wait a day before coming to his house to talk about his car crash. It takes time to clean up all those chicken sacrifices for getting his mojo back.
5. A government minister in Indonesia publicly blamed the country’s recent natural disasters on immorality. Or maybe they were punishment for electing morons.
Swiss Opinions of Nazis:
a) Taking over the world: “Sorry, can‘t help you. It wouldn’t be right to choose sides.”
b) Religious tolerance: “You know, those Nazis had a few good points.”
However, the ban doesn’t cover minarets where calls to prayer are sung by mechanical cuckoos. It’s good to see the Swiss helping to keep Muslim extremists from wanting to target the U.S. By this point, we must be only #7 or #8 on their list.
2. Wikipedia has denied news reports that it lost 49,000 editors this year. The website says journalists should have double-checked their facts instead of just reading Wikipedia.
3. After two reality TV wannabes crashed the White House’s first state dinner by distracting the Secret Service with a giant balloon, the White House will hold state dinners at airports, because the security is much tighter.
4. Tiger Woods asked police to wait a day before coming to his house to talk about his car crash. It takes time to clean up all those chicken sacrifices for getting his mojo back.
5. A government minister in Indonesia publicly blamed the country’s recent natural disasters on immorality. Or maybe they were punishment for electing morons.
Friday, November 27, 2009
11/27
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving and didn't suffer too many injuries this morning at Wal-Mart. I'll be back tomorrow.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
11/25
1. Hong Kong airline Cathay Pacific has had a lot of blocked toilets recently. The airline said with the average weight of Chinese people rising, new places would have to be found to hide them when trafficking.
2. Wikipedia lost 49,000 editors in 2009. Or it might have been 12. I can’t be sure, because the number keeps changing on their site.
3. Scientists say over 100 icebergs are now heading for New Zealand, after the country appealed to the U.S. for help with a lettuce shortage.
4. The Arab emirate of Dubai is having trouble paying its debt. Analysts described this as “shocking”. Yes, who could have seen that coming, considering Dubai built a chain of artificial islands that can be seen from outer space and a massive ski resort in the desert?
5. A Swiss court has granted Roman Polanski $4.5 million bail. Is he a flight risk? No, said a group of wealthy Hollywood players who helped pay for the bail. “And we are glad they accepted the ransom, I mean, bail.”
2. Wikipedia lost 49,000 editors in 2009. Or it might have been 12. I can’t be sure, because the number keeps changing on their site.
3. Scientists say over 100 icebergs are now heading for New Zealand, after the country appealed to the U.S. for help with a lettuce shortage.
4. The Arab emirate of Dubai is having trouble paying its debt. Analysts described this as “shocking”. Yes, who could have seen that coming, considering Dubai built a chain of artificial islands that can be seen from outer space and a massive ski resort in the desert?
5. A Swiss court has granted Roman Polanski $4.5 million bail. Is he a flight risk? No, said a group of wealthy Hollywood players who helped pay for the bail. “And we are glad they accepted the ransom, I mean, bail.”
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
11/24
1. The oldest sheep in the world has died in Australia, and Australian men were in mourning over the loss of their favorite GGGGGGGGGILF.
2. A prostitute who claims to have slept with Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi says politically motivated thieves ransack her home. She says they “take away everything, from panties to dresses, from stockings to bras…” Actually, I think the term would be “stalkers”. And I should know.
3. Italy is also in an uproar over a government minister who suggested Italians shouldn’t spend so long at lunch. Italian nutritionists said this might cause “a blood sugar crisis in the afternoon, which would make it quite difficult to work.” Yes, that’s why everyone in the States drops like flies at around 2PM. But I suppose it takes a lot of calories to not collect garbage and find excuses for not being able to do what customers ask.
4. Today Show weatherman Al Roker has written a mystery novel, and his co-star Matt Lauer asked him: “How did you find the time?!” Well, as the cover indicates, like most celebrity “authors”, it was easy to find the time because he didn’t actually write the book. Sometimes I add salt to my food at a restaurant, but that doesn’t make me the chef.
5. The economic recovery has gotten off to a slower start than analysts originally thought. Largely because analysts have jobs.
2. A prostitute who claims to have slept with Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi says politically motivated thieves ransack her home. She says they “take away everything, from panties to dresses, from stockings to bras…” Actually, I think the term would be “stalkers”. And I should know.
3. Italy is also in an uproar over a government minister who suggested Italians shouldn’t spend so long at lunch. Italian nutritionists said this might cause “a blood sugar crisis in the afternoon, which would make it quite difficult to work.” Yes, that’s why everyone in the States drops like flies at around 2PM. But I suppose it takes a lot of calories to not collect garbage and find excuses for not being able to do what customers ask.
4. Today Show weatherman Al Roker has written a mystery novel, and his co-star Matt Lauer asked him: “How did you find the time?!” Well, as the cover indicates, like most celebrity “authors”, it was easy to find the time because he didn’t actually write the book. Sometimes I add salt to my food at a restaurant, but that doesn’t make me the chef.
5. The economic recovery has gotten off to a slower start than analysts originally thought. Largely because analysts have jobs.
Monday, November 23, 2009
11/23
1. Many analysts predict JPMorgan Chase Bank CEO Jamie Dimon will be the next Treasury Secretary. People close to him say that he would “love to serve his country”. Specifically as a buffet.
2. The government has recalled 2.1 million cribs for safety reasons, leaving most of the country’s hip-hop community homeless.
3. A new study says children should get dirty more often, because it strengthens their immune systems. Case in point -- you don’t see a lot of pigs getting “swine” flu.
4. The largest animal sacrifice in the world is set to take place in Nepal. It will beat the record set last year at an anthill in Los Angeles by a class of fifth-graders.
5. After a performance featuring simulated oral sex and bondage at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert pulled off a mask to reveal that he is actually Madonna. No one expected her latest incarnation to be a young gay man. Next, she’s expected to take algae form, possibly as a species of seaweed.
2. The government has recalled 2.1 million cribs for safety reasons, leaving most of the country’s hip-hop community homeless.
3. A new study says children should get dirty more often, because it strengthens their immune systems. Case in point -- you don’t see a lot of pigs getting “swine” flu.
4. The largest animal sacrifice in the world is set to take place in Nepal. It will beat the record set last year at an anthill in Los Angeles by a class of fifth-graders.
5. After a performance featuring simulated oral sex and bondage at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert pulled off a mask to reveal that he is actually Madonna. No one expected her latest incarnation to be a young gay man. Next, she’s expected to take algae form, possibly as a species of seaweed.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Tokyo now has more Michelin three-star restaurants than even Paris. However, only three-star restaurants in Paris give you the delicious feeling of contempt for those who aren’t eating there.
Internet spammers are pretending to be involved with the new Twilight movie. Spammers can relate to Twilight, because they’re also immortal, sometimes claim to be connected to royalty, and love us unconditionally. (“I don’t care if you’re a woman – you should still be offered penis enlargement.”)
Pope Benedict XVI says the Catholic Church should renew its friendship with artists. Taking a cue from Pope Julius II’s friendship with Michelangelo, Benedict told artists if they didn’t work for the Vatican, he would kill them.
The fishing agency ICCAT refused to ban Atlantic bluefin tuna fishing. The European Union said it was the “best possible compromise” between industry and scientists. Later, the leaders of ICCAT all died after reaching a “compromise” with scientists over how much cyanide they could eat.
The Salvation Army now takes donations by credit card. Which is ironic, since credit cards are why many people end up needing to receive money from the Salvation Army. It’s like a General Motors executive’s car breaking down while heading for a cliff.
General Motors posted a $1.2 billion loss, but said it was proud of how much progress it’s made. Since hurtling downhill is still technically “progress”.
Scientists have invented a phaser like the ones in Star Trek, but it can only stun small worms, which are ironically one of the few creatures that most Trekkies could defend themselves against without a phaser.
In China, President Obama finally sat down for an interview with Fox News. Fox had originally refused to do the interview in China, claiming that it gave Obama the home field advantage.
After the French soccer team qualified for the World Cup thanks to a blatant foul, French hospitals were filled with patients. Doctors had to explain that the strange unpleasant feeling was called “shame”.
At the rural University of California at Davis, police arrested several student protesters who refused to leave a building. However, police later realized that the protesters were actually a stray herd of cattle. The arrested “students” will be barbecued this weekend.
Senator Robert Byrd is now the longest-serving congressman ever. He first joined the Senate during its plot to kill Julius Caesar.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai wants Afghan soldiers to be in charge of the country within five years, which means he and the Taliban finally agree on something.
California is going to ban high-energy TVs to help protect the environment. However, for the major networks, this is really just an extension of existing laws about low-flow toilets.
A drug that failed as an anti-depressant was found to boost women’s sex drive. So the women are still miserable – but they want to have sex. Sounds like fun. And actually, it was originally developed as a heart medicine. “Well, this drug was supposed to cure liver cancer, then we tried to make it an anti-fungal cream, and now we think it might go great with spareribs.” Some doctors are skeptical about the need for pills to boost female sex drive. But these doctors all have something in common – they’re all women. Other experts say a pill could stop couples from talking through underlying issues. Millions of men are thinking: “And the downside is…?”
Somali pirates have taken hostage the crew of a North Korean ship. They're expecting Kim Jong Il to put value on other people's lives? That's like stealing a shipment of salad from Arby’s.
President Obama is under fire for bowing almost 90 degrees to the emperor of Japan. This comes after bowing deeply to the king of Saudi Arabia earlier this year. Now if he’d bowed to the president of China, maybe I could understand. I think Obama should just not bow to anyone. Ever. The only time the president should bow that low is if he’s trying to duck some shoes.
Swarms of giant jellyfish are becoming an increasing problem. I think the answer is to have the jellyfish become a delicacy in Japan – then the Japanese fishing industry will decimate them within just a few years.
A new study says chemicals found in many plastics can make boys more feminine. Maybe this explains the lower crime rates over the past couple decades. And chest waxing. And murses.
Internet spammers are pretending to be involved with the new Twilight movie. Spammers can relate to Twilight, because they’re also immortal, sometimes claim to be connected to royalty, and love us unconditionally. (“I don’t care if you’re a woman – you should still be offered penis enlargement.”)
Pope Benedict XVI says the Catholic Church should renew its friendship with artists. Taking a cue from Pope Julius II’s friendship with Michelangelo, Benedict told artists if they didn’t work for the Vatican, he would kill them.
The fishing agency ICCAT refused to ban Atlantic bluefin tuna fishing. The European Union said it was the “best possible compromise” between industry and scientists. Later, the leaders of ICCAT all died after reaching a “compromise” with scientists over how much cyanide they could eat.
The Salvation Army now takes donations by credit card. Which is ironic, since credit cards are why many people end up needing to receive money from the Salvation Army. It’s like a General Motors executive’s car breaking down while heading for a cliff.
General Motors posted a $1.2 billion loss, but said it was proud of how much progress it’s made. Since hurtling downhill is still technically “progress”.
Scientists have invented a phaser like the ones in Star Trek, but it can only stun small worms, which are ironically one of the few creatures that most Trekkies could defend themselves against without a phaser.
In China, President Obama finally sat down for an interview with Fox News. Fox had originally refused to do the interview in China, claiming that it gave Obama the home field advantage.
After the French soccer team qualified for the World Cup thanks to a blatant foul, French hospitals were filled with patients. Doctors had to explain that the strange unpleasant feeling was called “shame”.
At the rural University of California at Davis, police arrested several student protesters who refused to leave a building. However, police later realized that the protesters were actually a stray herd of cattle. The arrested “students” will be barbecued this weekend.
Senator Robert Byrd is now the longest-serving congressman ever. He first joined the Senate during its plot to kill Julius Caesar.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai wants Afghan soldiers to be in charge of the country within five years, which means he and the Taliban finally agree on something.
California is going to ban high-energy TVs to help protect the environment. However, for the major networks, this is really just an extension of existing laws about low-flow toilets.
A drug that failed as an anti-depressant was found to boost women’s sex drive. So the women are still miserable – but they want to have sex. Sounds like fun. And actually, it was originally developed as a heart medicine. “Well, this drug was supposed to cure liver cancer, then we tried to make it an anti-fungal cream, and now we think it might go great with spareribs.” Some doctors are skeptical about the need for pills to boost female sex drive. But these doctors all have something in common – they’re all women. Other experts say a pill could stop couples from talking through underlying issues. Millions of men are thinking: “And the downside is…?”
Somali pirates have taken hostage the crew of a North Korean ship. They're expecting Kim Jong Il to put value on other people's lives? That's like stealing a shipment of salad from Arby’s.
President Obama is under fire for bowing almost 90 degrees to the emperor of Japan. This comes after bowing deeply to the king of Saudi Arabia earlier this year. Now if he’d bowed to the president of China, maybe I could understand. I think Obama should just not bow to anyone. Ever. The only time the president should bow that low is if he’s trying to duck some shoes.
Swarms of giant jellyfish are becoming an increasing problem. I think the answer is to have the jellyfish become a delicacy in Japan – then the Japanese fishing industry will decimate them within just a few years.
A new study says chemicals found in many plastics can make boys more feminine. Maybe this explains the lower crime rates over the past couple decades. And chest waxing. And murses.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
11/21
1. The Salvation Army now takes donations by credit card. Which is ironic, since credit cards are one of the main reasons people need to receive money from the Salvation Army. It’s like a General Motors executive’s car breaking down while heading for a cliff.
2. Pope Benedict XVI says the Catholic Church should renew its friendship with artists. Taking a cue from Pope Julius II’s friendship with Michelangelo, Benedict told artists if they didn’t work for the Vatican, he would kill them.
3. A survey of 2009’s safest cars had none from Toyota. However, this was the first year they measured roof strength, and Toyota complained that the survey only tested its convertibles.
4. After the French soccer team qualified for the World Cup thanks to a blatant foul, French hospitals were filled with patients. Doctors had to explain that the strange unpleasant feeling was called “shame”.
5. Michael Jackson’s glove from his first televised Moonwalk is going to be auctioned. It might get the highest price for a Jackson glove since a rubber one from his first children’s concert.
2. Pope Benedict XVI says the Catholic Church should renew its friendship with artists. Taking a cue from Pope Julius II’s friendship with Michelangelo, Benedict told artists if they didn’t work for the Vatican, he would kill them.
3. A survey of 2009’s safest cars had none from Toyota. However, this was the first year they measured roof strength, and Toyota complained that the survey only tested its convertibles.
4. After the French soccer team qualified for the World Cup thanks to a blatant foul, French hospitals were filled with patients. Doctors had to explain that the strange unpleasant feeling was called “shame”.
5. Michael Jackson’s glove from his first televised Moonwalk is going to be auctioned. It might get the highest price for a Jackson glove since a rubber one from his first children’s concert.
Friday, November 20, 2009
11/20
1. Internet spammers are pretending to be involved with the new Twilight movie. Spammers can relate to Twilight, because they’re also immortal, sometimes claim to be connected to royalty, and love us unconditionally. (“I don’t care if you’re a woman – you should still be offered penis enlargement.”)
2. Police arrested several student protesters at the rural University of California, Davis, after the students refused to leave a building. However, police later realized that the students were actually a stray herd of cattle. The arrested “students” will be barbecued this weekend.
3. YouTube is going to offer subtitles. This is great, because most English movie clips on the site are dubbed in other languages.
4. YouTube is now also offering YouTube Direct, which gives the media direct access to amateur footage of news events. Thus eliminating the last justification for being called “investigative” journalism. Next month, YouTube debuts a new site called: “YouTube News Article Writer”.
5. Senator Robert Byrd is now the longest-serving congressman ever. He first joined the Senate during its plot to kill Julius Caesar.
2. Police arrested several student protesters at the rural University of California, Davis, after the students refused to leave a building. However, police later realized that the students were actually a stray herd of cattle. The arrested “students” will be barbecued this weekend.
3. YouTube is going to offer subtitles. This is great, because most English movie clips on the site are dubbed in other languages.
4. YouTube is now also offering YouTube Direct, which gives the media direct access to amateur footage of news events. Thus eliminating the last justification for being called “investigative” journalism. Next month, YouTube debuts a new site called: “YouTube News Article Writer”.
5. Senator Robert Byrd is now the longest-serving congressman ever. He first joined the Senate during its plot to kill Julius Caesar.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
11/19
1. Scientists have invented a phaser like the ones in Star Trek, but it can only stun small worms, which are ironically one of the few creatures that most Trekkies could defend themselves against without a phaser.
2. Afghan President Hamad Karzai wants Afghan soldiers to be in charge of the country within five years, which means he and the Taliban finally agree on something.
3. Brad Pitt turned down $5 million for an appearance in Abu Dhabi so he could go trick-or-treating with his kids. Because in Bel Air, his kids will pull in way more than that by trick or treating.
4. A new study says a medium popcorn and soda at most movie theaters is more unhealthy than three McDonald’s Quarter Pounders plus 12 pats of butter. Theaters said most Americans only eat movie popcorn as an occasional treat. Then the next day, they have their occasional treat of pumpkin pie, then their occasional treat of …
5. A third of the French troops in Afghanistan are in the Foreign Legion. So even when the French finally go to Afghanistan, the French don’t go to Afghanistan.
2. Afghan President Hamad Karzai wants Afghan soldiers to be in charge of the country within five years, which means he and the Taliban finally agree on something.
3. Brad Pitt turned down $5 million for an appearance in Abu Dhabi so he could go trick-or-treating with his kids. Because in Bel Air, his kids will pull in way more than that by trick or treating.
4. A new study says a medium popcorn and soda at most movie theaters is more unhealthy than three McDonald’s Quarter Pounders plus 12 pats of butter. Theaters said most Americans only eat movie popcorn as an occasional treat. Then the next day, they have their occasional treat of pumpkin pie, then their occasional treat of …
5. A third of the French troops in Afghanistan are in the Foreign Legion. So even when the French finally go to Afghanistan, the French don’t go to Afghanistan.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
11/18
1. California is going to ban high-energy TVs to help protect the environment. However, for the major networks, this is really just an extension of existing laws about low-flow toilets.
2. In China, President Obama finally sat down for an interview with Fox News. Fox had originally refused to do the interview in China, claiming that it gave Obama the home field advantage.
3. A new study shows that Egyptian mummies had clogged arteries. Scientists said it was probably due to their sedentary lifestyle.
4. One of John McCain’s campaign staffers called Sarah Palin’s new memoir “fiction”. Yes, that’s because it’s a political memoir, which are all hybrids of autobiography and obsessive fan fiction.
5. A rabbi in England has been charged with giving cocaine to girls in exchange for sex. Loser. Most rabbis get it for nothing.
2. In China, President Obama finally sat down for an interview with Fox News. Fox had originally refused to do the interview in China, claiming that it gave Obama the home field advantage.
3. A new study shows that Egyptian mummies had clogged arteries. Scientists said it was probably due to their sedentary lifestyle.
4. One of John McCain’s campaign staffers called Sarah Palin’s new memoir “fiction”. Yes, that’s because it’s a political memoir, which are all hybrids of autobiography and obsessive fan fiction.
5. A rabbi in England has been charged with giving cocaine to girls in exchange for sex. Loser. Most rabbis get it for nothing.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
11/17
1. A drug that failed as an anti-depressant was found to boost women’s sex drive. So they’re still miserable – but they want to have sex. That sounds like fun. And actually, it was originally developed as a heart medicine. “Well, this drug was supposed to cure liver cancer, then we tried to make it an anti-fungal cream, and now we think it might go great with spareribs.” Some doctors are skeptical about the need for pills to boost female sex drive. These doctors all have something in common – they’re all women. Other experts say a pill could stop couples from talking through underlying issues. Millions of men are thinking: “And the downside is…?”
2. Somali pirates have taken hostage the crew of a North Korean ship. They're expecting Kim Jong Il to put value on other people's lives? That's like stealing a shipment of salad from Arby’s.
3. A new study says that even infrequent users of the street drug ketamine, also known as Special K, are more paranoid than non-users. The cereal Special K does the same thing – you lose weight because you’re afraid of being poisoned.
4. Tokyo now has more Michelin three-star restaurants than any other city in the world, including Paris. However, only the three-star restaurants in Paris give you the delicious feeling of contempt for those who aren’t eating there.
5. President Obama is under fire for bowing almost 90 degrees to the emperor of Japan. This comes after bowing deeply to the king of Saudi Arabia earlier this year. Now if he’d bowed to the president of China, maybe I could understand. I think Obama should just not bow to anyone. Ever. The only time the president should bow that low is if he’s trying to duck some shoes.
2. Somali pirates have taken hostage the crew of a North Korean ship. They're expecting Kim Jong Il to put value on other people's lives? That's like stealing a shipment of salad from Arby’s.
3. A new study says that even infrequent users of the street drug ketamine, also known as Special K, are more paranoid than non-users. The cereal Special K does the same thing – you lose weight because you’re afraid of being poisoned.
4. Tokyo now has more Michelin three-star restaurants than any other city in the world, including Paris. However, only the three-star restaurants in Paris give you the delicious feeling of contempt for those who aren’t eating there.
5. President Obama is under fire for bowing almost 90 degrees to the emperor of Japan. This comes after bowing deeply to the king of Saudi Arabia earlier this year. Now if he’d bowed to the president of China, maybe I could understand. I think Obama should just not bow to anyone. Ever. The only time the president should bow that low is if he’s trying to duck some shoes.
Monday, November 16, 2009
11/16
1. The European fishing agency ICCAT refused to ban Atlantic bluefin tuna fishing. The European Union said the decision was the “best possible compromise” between industry and scientists. Later that day, the leaders of ICCAT all died after reaching a “compromise” with scientists over how much cyanide they could eat.
2. As President Obama visits China, some people say China should help train police in Afghanistan and other developing countries. Especially since Americans and Brits have become horribly inexperienced in the best ways to shoot unarmed protesters.
3. Giant jellyfish are becoming an increasing problem as swarms move north with global warming. I think the answer is to have jellyfish become a delicacy in Japan – then the Japanese fishing industry will decimate the population within just a few years.
4. A new study says chemicals found in many plastics can make boys more feminine. Maybe this explains the lower crime rates over the past couple decades. And chest waxing. And murses.
5. General Motors posted a $1.2 billion loss, but said it was proud of how much progress it’s made. Since hurtling downhill is still technically “progress”.
2. As President Obama visits China, some people say China should help train police in Afghanistan and other developing countries. Especially since Americans and Brits have become horribly inexperienced in the best ways to shoot unarmed protesters.
3. Giant jellyfish are becoming an increasing problem as swarms move north with global warming. I think the answer is to have jellyfish become a delicacy in Japan – then the Japanese fishing industry will decimate the population within just a few years.
4. A new study says chemicals found in many plastics can make boys more feminine. Maybe this explains the lower crime rates over the past couple decades. And chest waxing. And murses.
5. General Motors posted a $1.2 billion loss, but said it was proud of how much progress it’s made. Since hurtling downhill is still technically “progress”.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A French company called off plans to hand out free cash, because too many people came. Yeah, who could have predicted that? This reminds me of when Miss Universe announced free blowjobs -- too many people came.
At an art auction last night, Andy Warhol’s “200 One Dollar Bills” sold for $43.8 million. However, it wasn’t the record for a Warhol piece -- that was $67 million for a work called “67 Million One Dollar Bills”.
Rep. John Conyers says that to pass healthcare reform, President Obama needs to act more like Lyndon Johnson. Conyers recommended that Obama start by showing off his surgical scars and holding his dog Bo by the ears.
A new study says recommended calorie counts are too low. Yes, that’s why we’ve all been getting obese -- not enough calories. The study also says the higher recommended calories per day were still half the calories of an average appetizer at the Cheesecake Factory.
A bottle of beer that survived the Hindenburg crash will go on auction, because a firefighter saved six bottles from the wreckage. Now, I’m not saying that firefighter was an alcoholic, but he did see one of the most horrible crashes of the 20th century and thought: “Ooo, free beer.”
In Russia, three homeless people killed a man and sold part of him to a restaurant. But if I was a customer, I’d be more troubled that the restaurant was buying unidentified meat from homeless guys. The owner explained that the homeless men had always supplied him with the finest stray cat.
In her memoir, Sarah Palin writes that being offered the vice-presidential slot by John McCain was a “natural progression”. This helps explain her views on the environment, because I think she’s confusing “natural” with “terrifyingly artificial”. “It’s a natural progression from carrots to Cheetos, because they‘re both long and orange.”
A woman in England says she posed as a schoolgirl on a youth website and caught her husband propositioning her. However, the woman lost some credibility when her screen name turned out to be cougarmama47.
The White House claims that improved security has dramatically reduced illegal immigration. Really? You don’t think it has anything to do with our economy? And Joe the Plumber and John Edwards have announced that, thanks to improved security, the number of reporters on their lawns is way down this year!
In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which in Spanish can mean “extremely hard”.
An accused robber was released because he made a Facebook update just one minute before the robbery. Lucky he had a judge who’d never heard of wifi. Later that day, the judge released a suspected mugger because he made a phone call one minute before the mugging. “How could he make a phone call and be out on the street at the same time?”
Churches in Italy have built automatic holy water dispensers for people who are afraid of catching swine flu from communal holy water. Unfortunately, anyone who uses the automatic dispensers gets struck by lightning for lack of faith.
A new study warns women to not get surgery for “perfect vaginas”, because the doctor just cuts a hole in the woman’s pants so that men can get to her vagina. For most men, that’s the perfect vagina. Some women get the surgery because they say it’s uncomfortable to have genitals that “stick out”. Well, speaking for men, I think you’ll get used to it.
Lou Dobbs, the fiery anti-immigration TV host, has suddenly decided to leave CNN. If he migrated to Fox, which has way too many commentators already, thereby depleting the right-wing nutjob audience pool for everyone -- that would be so ironic.
The Catholic Church says it will stop providing services for the government of Washington DC if the city decides to enforce anti-discrimination laws against gays. Good thing they don’t enforce the law separating church and state.
Several of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will go on auction, including a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Whoever buys it might be the first person to get hit on the back of the head with a baseball while facing the field. Maybe he can wear it while driving with his license plate “MANSON”.
At an art auction last night, Andy Warhol’s “200 One Dollar Bills” sold for $43.8 million. However, it wasn’t the record for a Warhol piece -- that was $67 million for a work called “67 Million One Dollar Bills”.
Rep. John Conyers says that to pass healthcare reform, President Obama needs to act more like Lyndon Johnson. Conyers recommended that Obama start by showing off his surgical scars and holding his dog Bo by the ears.
A new study says recommended calorie counts are too low. Yes, that’s why we’ve all been getting obese -- not enough calories. The study also says the higher recommended calories per day were still half the calories of an average appetizer at the Cheesecake Factory.
A bottle of beer that survived the Hindenburg crash will go on auction, because a firefighter saved six bottles from the wreckage. Now, I’m not saying that firefighter was an alcoholic, but he did see one of the most horrible crashes of the 20th century and thought: “Ooo, free beer.”
In Russia, three homeless people killed a man and sold part of him to a restaurant. But if I was a customer, I’d be more troubled that the restaurant was buying unidentified meat from homeless guys. The owner explained that the homeless men had always supplied him with the finest stray cat.
In her memoir, Sarah Palin writes that being offered the vice-presidential slot by John McCain was a “natural progression”. This helps explain her views on the environment, because I think she’s confusing “natural” with “terrifyingly artificial”. “It’s a natural progression from carrots to Cheetos, because they‘re both long and orange.”
A woman in England says she posed as a schoolgirl on a youth website and caught her husband propositioning her. However, the woman lost some credibility when her screen name turned out to be cougarmama47.
The White House claims that improved security has dramatically reduced illegal immigration. Really? You don’t think it has anything to do with our economy? And Joe the Plumber and John Edwards have announced that, thanks to improved security, the number of reporters on their lawns is way down this year!
In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which in Spanish can mean “extremely hard”.
An accused robber was released because he made a Facebook update just one minute before the robbery. Lucky he had a judge who’d never heard of wifi. Later that day, the judge released a suspected mugger because he made a phone call one minute before the mugging. “How could he make a phone call and be out on the street at the same time?”
Churches in Italy have built automatic holy water dispensers for people who are afraid of catching swine flu from communal holy water. Unfortunately, anyone who uses the automatic dispensers gets struck by lightning for lack of faith.
A new study warns women to not get surgery for “perfect vaginas”, because the doctor just cuts a hole in the woman’s pants so that men can get to her vagina. For most men, that’s the perfect vagina. Some women get the surgery because they say it’s uncomfortable to have genitals that “stick out”. Well, speaking for men, I think you’ll get used to it.
Lou Dobbs, the fiery anti-immigration TV host, has suddenly decided to leave CNN. If he migrated to Fox, which has way too many commentators already, thereby depleting the right-wing nutjob audience pool for everyone -- that would be so ironic.
The Catholic Church says it will stop providing services for the government of Washington DC if the city decides to enforce anti-discrimination laws against gays. Good thing they don’t enforce the law separating church and state.
Several of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will go on auction, including a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Whoever buys it might be the first person to get hit on the back of the head with a baseball while facing the field. Maybe he can wear it while driving with his license plate “MANSON”.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
11/14
1. A new study says recommended calorie counts are too low. Yes, that’s why we’ve all been getting obese -- not enough calories. The study also says the higher recommended calories per day were still half the calories of an average appetizer at the Cheesecake Factory.
2. In Russia, three homeless people killed a man and sold part of him to a restaurant. You know, I’m almost more troubled that the restaurant was buying unidentified meat from homeless guys. The owner explained that the homeless men had always supplied him with the finest stray cat.
3. In her memoir, Sarah Palin writes that being offered the vice-presidential slot by John McCain was a “natural progression”. This helps explain her views on the environment, because I think she’s confusing “natural” with “terrifyingly artificial”. “It’s a natural progression from carrots to Cheetos, because they‘re both long and orange.”
4. A French company called off plans to hand out free cash to the public, because too many people came. Yeah, who could see that happening? This reminds me of when Miss Universe announced free blowjobs. Too many people came.
5. A woman in England says she posed as a schoolgirl on a youth website and caught her husband propositioning her. However, the woman lost some credibility when her screen name turned out to be cougarmama47.
2. In Russia, three homeless people killed a man and sold part of him to a restaurant. You know, I’m almost more troubled that the restaurant was buying unidentified meat from homeless guys. The owner explained that the homeless men had always supplied him with the finest stray cat.
3. In her memoir, Sarah Palin writes that being offered the vice-presidential slot by John McCain was a “natural progression”. This helps explain her views on the environment, because I think she’s confusing “natural” with “terrifyingly artificial”. “It’s a natural progression from carrots to Cheetos, because they‘re both long and orange.”
4. A French company called off plans to hand out free cash to the public, because too many people came. Yeah, who could see that happening? This reminds me of when Miss Universe announced free blowjobs. Too many people came.
5. A woman in England says she posed as a schoolgirl on a youth website and caught her husband propositioning her. However, the woman lost some credibility when her screen name turned out to be cougarmama47.
Friday, November 13, 2009
11/13
1. The White House claims that improved security has dramatically reduced illegal immigration. Really? You don’t think it has anything to do with our economy? I also hear that Joe the Plumber and John Edwards have announced that, thanks to new security measures, the number of reporters on their lawns is way down this year!
2. In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which can mean “extremely hard”. Yes, extremely.
3. It’s been discovered that in 1982, China gave Pakistan uranium and bomb plans as a gift, which might seem odd, but it’s very hard to buy for Pakistan. They’re picky like my Aunt Betty. I’ve thought of giving her uranium too, but cyanide was so much more effective.
4. Greg Craig, President Obama’s top lawyer, is going to resign. Craig left under pressure to drive people with two first names out of the White House. Plus, Obama calling one of his staff “Mr. Craig” was just too controversial. Craig’s position is known as “White House counsel”, or as Glenn Beck refers to him, the “counsel czar”. Beck also announced that ten new “cleaning czars” were just hired by the White House’s Housekeeping Dept.
5. Canadian rumors about the death of Margaret Thatcher began when a senior politician sent a text message about his cat Thatcher dying. The most confusing part was how he followed up that the former prime minister would be buried in a large shoebox. Nike and Adidas both began fighting to have it be one of theirs.
2. In the Spanish region of Extremadura, teenagers will be taught masturbation as part of sex ed. No surprise this is coming from a place called “Extremadura”, which can mean “extremely hard”. Yes, extremely.
3. It’s been discovered that in 1982, China gave Pakistan uranium and bomb plans as a gift, which might seem odd, but it’s very hard to buy for Pakistan. They’re picky like my Aunt Betty. I’ve thought of giving her uranium too, but cyanide was so much more effective.
4. Greg Craig, President Obama’s top lawyer, is going to resign. Craig left under pressure to drive people with two first names out of the White House. Plus, Obama calling one of his staff “Mr. Craig” was just too controversial. Craig’s position is known as “White House counsel”, or as Glenn Beck refers to him, the “counsel czar”. Beck also announced that ten new “cleaning czars” were just hired by the White House’s Housekeeping Dept.
5. Canadian rumors about the death of Margaret Thatcher began when a senior politician sent a text message about his cat Thatcher dying. The most confusing part was how he followed up that the former prime minister would be buried in a large shoebox. Nike and Adidas both began fighting to have it be one of theirs.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
11/12
1. Carrie Prejean called Larry King “inappropriate” last night when he asked why she settled her lawsuit with the Miss California Pageant. Larry King? Inappropriate? This is a man who thinks a hard-boiled question is “What did you have for breakfast?” She then threatened to leave the show when King took a call from a gay man. Said Prejean: “I believe phone sex should only be between a man and a woman.”
2. An accused robber was released because he made a Facebook update just one minute before the robbery. Lucky he had a judge who never heard of wifi. Later that day, the judge released a suspected mugger because he made a phone call one minute before the mugging. “How could he make a phone call and be out on the street at the same time?”
3. An Australian bomb-sniffing dog lost in Afghanistan has been found after 14 months. However, there are fears that the dog might have been recruited by the Taliban, because he will no longer eat Snausages.
4. A couple in Phoenix were arrested for stealing almost 1,000 pieces of luggage from the local airport. Most of the thefts were never reported, because they targeted men who looked likely to pack a lot of porn. They were eventually caught after stealing the luggage of Dick Cheney.
5. Sarah Palin told Oprah that Levi Johnston is “still part of the family”. She then added: “Because you want to keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.” This is also why Palin keeps books in her house.
2. An accused robber was released because he made a Facebook update just one minute before the robbery. Lucky he had a judge who never heard of wifi. Later that day, the judge released a suspected mugger because he made a phone call one minute before the mugging. “How could he make a phone call and be out on the street at the same time?”
3. An Australian bomb-sniffing dog lost in Afghanistan has been found after 14 months. However, there are fears that the dog might have been recruited by the Taliban, because he will no longer eat Snausages.
4. A couple in Phoenix were arrested for stealing almost 1,000 pieces of luggage from the local airport. Most of the thefts were never reported, because they targeted men who looked likely to pack a lot of porn. They were eventually caught after stealing the luggage of Dick Cheney.
5. Sarah Palin told Oprah that Levi Johnston is “still part of the family”. She then added: “Because you want to keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.” This is also why Palin keeps books in her house.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
11/11
1. Churches in Italy have built automatic holy water dispensers for people who are afraid of catching swine flu from communal holy water. Unfortunately, anyone who uses the automatic dispensers gets struck by lightning for lack of faith.
2. At an art auction last night, Andy Warhol’s “200 One Dollar Bills” sold for $43.8 million. However, it wasn’t the record for a Warhol piece -- that was $54 million in 2007 for a work called “54 Million One Dollar Bills”.
3. A new study warns women to not get surgery for “perfect vaginas”, because the doctor just cuts a hole in the woman’s pants so that men can get to her vagina. For most men, that’s the perfect vagina. Some women get the surgery because they say it’s uncomfortable to have genitals that “stick out”. Well, speaking for men, I think you’ll get used to it.
4. Lou Dobbs, the fiery anti-immigration TV host, has suddenly decided to leave CNN. If he migrated to Fox, which has way too many commentators already, thereby depleting the right-wing nutjob audience pool for everyone -- that would be so ironic.
5. The Catholic Church says it will stop providing services for the government of Washington DC if the city decides to enforce anti-discrimination laws against gays. Good thing they don’t enforce the law separating church and state.
2. At an art auction last night, Andy Warhol’s “200 One Dollar Bills” sold for $43.8 million. However, it wasn’t the record for a Warhol piece -- that was $54 million in 2007 for a work called “54 Million One Dollar Bills”.
3. A new study warns women to not get surgery for “perfect vaginas”, because the doctor just cuts a hole in the woman’s pants so that men can get to her vagina. For most men, that’s the perfect vagina. Some women get the surgery because they say it’s uncomfortable to have genitals that “stick out”. Well, speaking for men, I think you’ll get used to it.
4. Lou Dobbs, the fiery anti-immigration TV host, has suddenly decided to leave CNN. If he migrated to Fox, which has way too many commentators already, thereby depleting the right-wing nutjob audience pool for everyone -- that would be so ironic.
5. The Catholic Church says it will stop providing services for the government of Washington DC if the city decides to enforce anti-discrimination laws against gays. Good thing they don’t enforce the law separating church and state.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
11/10
1. A bottle of beer that survived the Hindenburg crash will go on auction, because a firefighter saved six bottles from the wreckage. Now, I’m not saying that firefighter was an alcoholic, but he did see one of the most horrible crashes of the 20th century and thought: “Ooo, free beer.”
2. Several of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will go on auction. For example, his solid-silver soul remover. There’s also (true) a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Whoever buys it might be the first person to get hit by a baseball from behind while facing the field. Maybe he can wear it while driving with his license plate “MANSON”.
3. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean has admitted that she made an erotic video for a former boyfriend, but insists that she did not have sex on the tape. With the tape, perhaps, but not on it.
4. Tomorrow, for the first time, the leaders of France and Germany will together mark the end of World War I. That’s nice, considering they fought the war in Belgium. Maybe they could bring the Belgian leader along. “Hey, sorry about destroying your country.”
5. North Korean and South Korean ships fired at each other after a North Korean ship entered South Korean waters to investigate strange “unidentified objects” in the water, which were later determined to be food. None of the sailors had ever seen it in non-cabbage or rice form.
2. Several of Bernie Madoff’s personal items will go on auction. For example, his solid-silver soul remover. There’s also (true) a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Whoever buys it might be the first person to get hit by a baseball from behind while facing the field. Maybe he can wear it while driving with his license plate “MANSON”.
3. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean has admitted that she made an erotic video for a former boyfriend, but insists that she did not have sex on the tape. With the tape, perhaps, but not on it.
4. Tomorrow, for the first time, the leaders of France and Germany will together mark the end of World War I. That’s nice, considering they fought the war in Belgium. Maybe they could bring the Belgian leader along. “Hey, sorry about destroying your country.”
5. North Korean and South Korean ships fired at each other after a North Korean ship entered South Korean waters to investigate strange “unidentified objects” in the water, which were later determined to be food. None of the sailors had ever seen it in non-cabbage or rice form.
Monday, November 9, 2009
11/9
1. Rep. John Conyers says that to pass healthcare reform, President Obama needs to be more like Lyndon Johnson. Conyers recommended that Obama start by showing off his surgical scars and holding his dog Bo by the ears.
2. A self-employed logger is in the final of the World Series of Poker. He developed his amazing poker face while chainsawing through environmentalists who had tied themselves to trees.
3. In honor of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I will tear down the wall between my two bedrooms. It might be expensive to reunify the two color systems, but I think history will judge me right.
4. A new study says women with very dense breasts have a higher risk of breast cancer. Which explains why so many women in Hollywood give money to breast cancer research. It’s also a warning to never get implants made of diamonds
5. Scientists have been able to regrow penises on rabbits. So now, finally, they can breed like… themselves. Has there ever been a rabbit shortage? Although, that would be difficult, hanging out alone with thousands of nieces and nephews.
2. A self-employed logger is in the final of the World Series of Poker. He developed his amazing poker face while chainsawing through environmentalists who had tied themselves to trees.
3. In honor of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I will tear down the wall between my two bedrooms. It might be expensive to reunify the two color systems, but I think history will judge me right.
4. A new study says women with very dense breasts have a higher risk of breast cancer. Which explains why so many women in Hollywood give money to breast cancer research. It’s also a warning to never get implants made of diamonds
5. Scientists have been able to regrow penises on rabbits. So now, finally, they can breed like… themselves. Has there ever been a rabbit shortage? Although, that would be difficult, hanging out alone with thousands of nieces and nephews.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Maine voters rejected gay marriage last night, reaffirming that in Maine, the only natural union is between a man and a woman or moose.
The Chinese government will allow a Disneyland to be built in Shanghai. Chinese leaders had worried about whether they were compatible with Disney, since Disney is so totalitarian. Disney had originally hoped to build a theme park in North Korea.
A new healthcare amendment says you can get an abortion with the public plan, but federal agencies just can’t handle the money. If that’s pro-life, then David Letterman never had sex with his interns. “The condom had sex with them – not me.”
Southwest Airlines gave a refund to a woman who was kicked off a flight because her son would not stop screaming. However, the refund was offset by the next day’s 2000% increase in reservations by grateful travelers.
Saudi warplanes attacked Yemeni rebels in the south of the country. The attack was very unusual, because by “Saudi warplanes”, I don’t mean “American warplanes”.
A company has developed a headset that provides subtitles when listening to another language. Which means international phone orders might finally be possible for people from Scotland.
The scientist who proved exercise is heart-healthy died today at 99½. Yes, 99 and a half. His daughter said he always insisted on adding the ½. He goes down in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest toddler. And he didn’t make a hundred? Loser.
A university student in Brazil was expelled for wearing a mini-dress. Crowds of students yelled insults at her. The ringleader of the angry students is pictured here during Brazil’s Carnival celebrations.
Jon Gosselin said in an interview yesterday that he doesn’t understand why he’s famous. Welcome back to the rest of humanity. Then he said he’s going to “slow things down” with his girlfriend Hailey Glassman, after Glassman said on national TV that Gosselin was emotionally abusive and threw “mantrums”. Because by reality TV standards, that’s just breakfast conversation. He also said that he got “intoxicated by celebrity” – followed by another shocking revelation that he is an air-breathing mammal.
The highest-ever price for a stamp was paid yesterday for a 41-year-old Chinese stamp celebrating Communism. That’s like the government passing out free novels by Ayn Rand.
Good news for hobos -- Warren Buffet bought the Burlington Northern railroad, and sees American railroads as vital for decades. It was Buffet’s best rail-related news for hobos since buying the makers of Night Train.
In Houston, Annise Parker received the highest percentage of votes for mayor. If elected, she will be the first openly lesbian mayor of a major American city. Unless you count Mike Bloomberg.
In New Jersey, Chris Christie handily won the governor’s seat. It’s seen as a major comeback for the ISPDN (International Society of People with Double Names), after the loss in Afghanistan of Abdullah Abdullah.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy is trying to make his fellow French more openly patriotic. Some may say the French are already obnoxiously proud of their country, but there’s a difference between pride in your own country and disdain for everyone else.
A new study shows that being in a bad mood can make us better communicators, more insightful, and more attentive. Unfortunately, it’s been difficult to notice that over all the yelling.
Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary. In the first episode, Big Bird wants to move to a “new habitat” (true), but then decides that Sesame Street is his habitat. I hate to break it to him, but New York City does not have any indigenous giant yellow birds. He is an invasive species, like pythons, tapas, and hipsters.
Scientists have created the first map of the human body’s bacteria. Around 100 trillion microbes live in or on our bodies, unless you’re Pamela Anderson, in which case the number is much higher. The types of bacteria found in different body parts vary greatly from person to person. For example, bacteria normally found around the groin were discovered in large quantities around my spleen. Which explains why my splenectomy surgeon was willing to operate for free.
A new poll shows that 43% of people in France think capitalism is fatally flawed, which would be troubling if France mattered.
New research says low-intensity exercise is best for burning fat, which will probably go down as the most-misinterpreted exercise research of all time. Researchers emphasized that “low intensity” still means roughly 5000% more than the average American. Walking an extra block to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t count.
The Chinese government will allow a Disneyland to be built in Shanghai. Chinese leaders had worried about whether they were compatible with Disney, since Disney is so totalitarian. Disney had originally hoped to build a theme park in North Korea.
A new healthcare amendment says you can get an abortion with the public plan, but federal agencies just can’t handle the money. If that’s pro-life, then David Letterman never had sex with his interns. “The condom had sex with them – not me.”
Southwest Airlines gave a refund to a woman who was kicked off a flight because her son would not stop screaming. However, the refund was offset by the next day’s 2000% increase in reservations by grateful travelers.
Saudi warplanes attacked Yemeni rebels in the south of the country. The attack was very unusual, because by “Saudi warplanes”, I don’t mean “American warplanes”.
A company has developed a headset that provides subtitles when listening to another language. Which means international phone orders might finally be possible for people from Scotland.
The scientist who proved exercise is heart-healthy died today at 99½. Yes, 99 and a half. His daughter said he always insisted on adding the ½. He goes down in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest toddler. And he didn’t make a hundred? Loser.
A university student in Brazil was expelled for wearing a mini-dress. Crowds of students yelled insults at her. The ringleader of the angry students is pictured here during Brazil’s Carnival celebrations.
Jon Gosselin said in an interview yesterday that he doesn’t understand why he’s famous. Welcome back to the rest of humanity. Then he said he’s going to “slow things down” with his girlfriend Hailey Glassman, after Glassman said on national TV that Gosselin was emotionally abusive and threw “mantrums”. Because by reality TV standards, that’s just breakfast conversation. He also said that he got “intoxicated by celebrity” – followed by another shocking revelation that he is an air-breathing mammal.
The highest-ever price for a stamp was paid yesterday for a 41-year-old Chinese stamp celebrating Communism. That’s like the government passing out free novels by Ayn Rand.
Good news for hobos -- Warren Buffet bought the Burlington Northern railroad, and sees American railroads as vital for decades. It was Buffet’s best rail-related news for hobos since buying the makers of Night Train.
In Houston, Annise Parker received the highest percentage of votes for mayor. If elected, she will be the first openly lesbian mayor of a major American city. Unless you count Mike Bloomberg.
In New Jersey, Chris Christie handily won the governor’s seat. It’s seen as a major comeback for the ISPDN (International Society of People with Double Names), after the loss in Afghanistan of Abdullah Abdullah.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy is trying to make his fellow French more openly patriotic. Some may say the French are already obnoxiously proud of their country, but there’s a difference between pride in your own country and disdain for everyone else.
A new study shows that being in a bad mood can make us better communicators, more insightful, and more attentive. Unfortunately, it’s been difficult to notice that over all the yelling.
Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary. In the first episode, Big Bird wants to move to a “new habitat” (true), but then decides that Sesame Street is his habitat. I hate to break it to him, but New York City does not have any indigenous giant yellow birds. He is an invasive species, like pythons, tapas, and hipsters.
Scientists have created the first map of the human body’s bacteria. Around 100 trillion microbes live in or on our bodies, unless you’re Pamela Anderson, in which case the number is much higher. The types of bacteria found in different body parts vary greatly from person to person. For example, bacteria normally found around the groin were discovered in large quantities around my spleen. Which explains why my splenectomy surgeon was willing to operate for free.
A new poll shows that 43% of people in France think capitalism is fatally flawed, which would be troubling if France mattered.
New research says low-intensity exercise is best for burning fat, which will probably go down as the most-misinterpreted exercise research of all time. Researchers emphasized that “low intensity” still means roughly 5000% more than the average American. Walking an extra block to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t count.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
11/7
1. The scientist who proved exercise is heart-healthy died today at 99½. Yes, 99 and a half. His daughter said he always insisted on adding the ½. He goes down in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest toddler. And he didn’t make a hundred? (Sniff), he obviously didn’t practice what he preached.
2. A university student in Brazil was expelled for wearing a mini-dress. Crowds of students yelled insults at her. The ringleader of the angry students is pictured here during Brazil’s Carnival celebrations.
3. A new poll shows that 43% of people in France think capitalism is fatally flawed, which would be troubling if France mattered.
4. New research says low-intensity exercise is best for burning fat, which will probably go down as the most-misinterpreted exercise research of all time. Researchers emphasized that “low intensity” still means roughly 5000% more than the average American. Walking an extra block to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t count.
5. President Obama told representatives who passed healthcare reform today: “When I sign this... every one of you will be able to look back and say, ‘This was my finest moment in politics.’” He then added, “Except for you, Rep. Duggert, because your finest moment was definitely banging that intern. We were all jealous of that.”
2. A university student in Brazil was expelled for wearing a mini-dress. Crowds of students yelled insults at her. The ringleader of the angry students is pictured here during Brazil’s Carnival celebrations.
3. A new poll shows that 43% of people in France think capitalism is fatally flawed, which would be troubling if France mattered.
4. New research says low-intensity exercise is best for burning fat, which will probably go down as the most-misinterpreted exercise research of all time. Researchers emphasized that “low intensity” still means roughly 5000% more than the average American. Walking an extra block to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t count.
5. President Obama told representatives who passed healthcare reform today: “When I sign this... every one of you will be able to look back and say, ‘This was my finest moment in politics.’” He then added, “Except for you, Rep. Duggert, because your finest moment was definitely banging that intern. We were all jealous of that.”
Friday, November 6, 2009
11/6
1. A woman in South Korea has finally passed her written driving test – on the 950th try (true). She now has to pass the road test, but unfortunately whenever she has time, all the instructors have been coincidentally busy.
2. Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary. In the first episode, Big Bird decides to move to “a new habitat” (true), but then decides that Sesame Street is his habitat. I hate to break it to him, but New York City does not have any indigenous giant yellow birds. He is an invasive species, like pythons, tapas, and hipsters.
3. Spain is resisting ransom demands by Somali pirates. They’re getting a lot of support from England and France, which is historically interesting, because Spain honed its pirate negotiation skills against the English and French.
4. Scientists have created the first map of the human body’s bacteria. Around 100 trillion microbes live in or on our bodies, unless you’re Pamela Anderson, in which case the number is much higher. The types of bacteria found in different areas of the body vary greatly from person to person. For example, bacteria normally found around the groin were discovered in large quantities around my spleen. Although, that would explain why my splenectomy surgeon was willing to operate for free.
5. Unemployment has risen above 10%, the highest since 1983. In 1983, this coincided with the end of punk rock. If another musical genre has to die this time, God, let it be smooth jazz. But I doubt it, because those fans are the types who still have jobs, requiring them to bathe their fully automated brains in Kenny G for at least an hour a day.
2. Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary. In the first episode, Big Bird decides to move to “a new habitat” (true), but then decides that Sesame Street is his habitat. I hate to break it to him, but New York City does not have any indigenous giant yellow birds. He is an invasive species, like pythons, tapas, and hipsters.
3. Spain is resisting ransom demands by Somali pirates. They’re getting a lot of support from England and France, which is historically interesting, because Spain honed its pirate negotiation skills against the English and French.
4. Scientists have created the first map of the human body’s bacteria. Around 100 trillion microbes live in or on our bodies, unless you’re Pamela Anderson, in which case the number is much higher. The types of bacteria found in different areas of the body vary greatly from person to person. For example, bacteria normally found around the groin were discovered in large quantities around my spleen. Although, that would explain why my splenectomy surgeon was willing to operate for free.
5. Unemployment has risen above 10%, the highest since 1983. In 1983, this coincided with the end of punk rock. If another musical genre has to die this time, God, let it be smooth jazz. But I doubt it, because those fans are the types who still have jobs, requiring them to bathe their fully automated brains in Kenny G for at least an hour a day.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
11/5
1. French President Nicolas Sarkozy is trying to make his fellow French more openly patriotic. Some may say the French are already obnoxiously proud of their country, but there’s a difference between pride in your own country and disdain for everyone else.
2. A new healthcare amendment says you can get an abortion with the public plan, but federal agencies just can’t handle the money. If that’s pro-life, then David Letterman never had sex with his interns. “The condom had sex with them – not me.”
3. A new study shows that being in a bad mood can make us better communicators, more insightful, and more attentive. Unfortunately, it’s been difficult to notice that over all the yelling.
4. Saudi warplanes attacked Yemeni rebels in the south of the country. The attack was very unusual, because by “Saudi warplanes”, I don’t mean “American warplanes”.
5. A company has developed a headset that provides subtitles when listening to another language. This means international phone orders might finally be possible for people from Scotland.
2. A new healthcare amendment says you can get an abortion with the public plan, but federal agencies just can’t handle the money. If that’s pro-life, then David Letterman never had sex with his interns. “The condom had sex with them – not me.”
3. A new study shows that being in a bad mood can make us better communicators, more insightful, and more attentive. Unfortunately, it’s been difficult to notice that over all the yelling.
4. Saudi warplanes attacked Yemeni rebels in the south of the country. The attack was very unusual, because by “Saudi warplanes”, I don’t mean “American warplanes”.
5. A company has developed a headset that provides subtitles when listening to another language. This means international phone orders might finally be possible for people from Scotland.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
11/4
1. Maine voters rejected gay marriage last night, reaffirming that in Maine, the only natural union is between a man and a woman or moose.
2. The Chinese government will allow a Disneyland to be built in Shanghai. Chinese leaders had been worried about whether they would be compatible with Disney, since Disney is so totalitarian. Disney had originally hoped to build a theme park in North Korea.
3. In Houston, Annise Parker received the highest percentage of votes for mayor. If elected, she will be the first openly lesbian mayor of a major American city. Unless you count Mike Bloomberg.
4. In New Jersey, Chris Christie handily won the governor’s seat. It’s seen as a major comeback for the ISPDN (International Society of People with Double Names), after the loss in Afghanistan of Abdullah Abdullah.
5. The head Palestinian negotiator said that if Israel continues to build settlements in Palestinian territory, the Palestinians will have to abandon the two-state solution. This was the top story last night on “Duh News”.
2. The Chinese government will allow a Disneyland to be built in Shanghai. Chinese leaders had been worried about whether they would be compatible with Disney, since Disney is so totalitarian. Disney had originally hoped to build a theme park in North Korea.
3. In Houston, Annise Parker received the highest percentage of votes for mayor. If elected, she will be the first openly lesbian mayor of a major American city. Unless you count Mike Bloomberg.
4. In New Jersey, Chris Christie handily won the governor’s seat. It’s seen as a major comeback for the ISPDN (International Society of People with Double Names), after the loss in Afghanistan of Abdullah Abdullah.
5. The head Palestinian negotiator said that if Israel continues to build settlements in Palestinian territory, the Palestinians will have to abandon the two-state solution. This was the top story last night on “Duh News”.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
11/3
1. Good news for hobos -- Warren Buffet bought the Burlington Northern railroad, and sees American railroads as vital for decades. It was Buffet’s best rail-related news for hobos since buying the makers of Night Train.
2. The world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, has adopted a cheetah cub. This whole “celebrities adopting African babies” thing is getting out of control. In related news, Michael Phelps adopted a baby manatee, Dan Brown adopted a baby sasquatch, and a Tasmanian devil adopted Glenn Beck.
3. The first space hotel says it’s on track to open in 2012. A three-night stay will cost $4.4 million. Unfortunately, in orbit, the sun rises 15 times a day, so it’s over pretty quickly.
4. The first female Beefeater (a guard of the Tower of London) says that her fellow guards have been harassing her. It’s not because she’s a women, though, but because she’s very into blenders and prefers to drink her beef.
5. U.S. Middle East envoy George Mitchell has repeated that the U.S. stance towards Israeli settlements in the West Bank hasn’t changed. Basically, we don’t like them, but we’ll never ever give any punishment for them. As anyone who’s had to endure a plane flight with a parent like that, I sympathize with the Palestinians.
2. The world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, has adopted a cheetah cub. This whole “celebrities adopting African babies” thing is getting out of control. In related news, Michael Phelps adopted a baby manatee, Dan Brown adopted a baby sasquatch, and a Tasmanian devil adopted Glenn Beck.
3. The first space hotel says it’s on track to open in 2012. A three-night stay will cost $4.4 million. Unfortunately, in orbit, the sun rises 15 times a day, so it’s over pretty quickly.
4. The first female Beefeater (a guard of the Tower of London) says that her fellow guards have been harassing her. It’s not because she’s a women, though, but because she’s very into blenders and prefers to drink her beef.
5. U.S. Middle East envoy George Mitchell has repeated that the U.S. stance towards Israeli settlements in the West Bank hasn’t changed. Basically, we don’t like them, but we’ll never ever give any punishment for them. As anyone who’s had to endure a plane flight with a parent like that, I sympathize with the Palestinians.
Monday, November 2, 2009
11/2
1. Southwest Airlines gave a refund to a woman who was kicked off a flight because her son would not stop screaming. However, the refund was offset by the next day’s 2000% increase in reservations by grateful travelers.
2. Jon Gosselin said in an interview yesterday that he doesn’t understand why he’s famous. Welcome back to the rest of humanity. He said he’s going to “slow things down” with his girlfriend Hailey Glassman, after Glassman said on national TV that Gosselin was emotionally abusive and threw “mantrums”. Because by reality TV standards, that’s just breakfast conversation. He also said that he got “intoxicated by celebrity” – followed by another shocking revelation that he is an air-breathing mammal.
3. The highest-ever price for a stamp was paid yesterday for a 41-year-old Chinese stamp celebrating Communism. That’s like the government passing out free novels by Ayn Rand.
4. A new study shows that people who eat mostly processed foods have a much higher risk of depression. But maybe they’re just depressed because they’ve got no one to cook them a meal.
5. The winner of the New York Marathon this year is an American! Yay! Who was raised in the African nation of Eritrea and didn’t become a citizen until 1998. Finally, we’re following the lead of baseball and making the rest of the world our farm team.
2. Jon Gosselin said in an interview yesterday that he doesn’t understand why he’s famous. Welcome back to the rest of humanity. He said he’s going to “slow things down” with his girlfriend Hailey Glassman, after Glassman said on national TV that Gosselin was emotionally abusive and threw “mantrums”. Because by reality TV standards, that’s just breakfast conversation. He also said that he got “intoxicated by celebrity” – followed by another shocking revelation that he is an air-breathing mammal.
3. The highest-ever price for a stamp was paid yesterday for a 41-year-old Chinese stamp celebrating Communism. That’s like the government passing out free novels by Ayn Rand.
4. A new study shows that people who eat mostly processed foods have a much higher risk of depression. But maybe they’re just depressed because they’ve got no one to cook them a meal.
5. The winner of the New York Marathon this year is an American! Yay! Who was raised in the African nation of Eritrea and didn’t become a citizen until 1998. Finally, we’re following the lead of baseball and making the rest of the world our farm team.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
French taxpayers spent over $400,000 on a shower for president Nicolas Sarkozy – and he never even used it. Jesus, how much of a hint do you need to give a guy to freshen up a little? This explains why the White House officially classifies visits by Sarkozy as “chemical attacks”.
Sarah Palin received at least $1.25 million for her autobiography “Going Rogue”. However, most of that was for finding someone to write it.
A Chinese company is thinking about buying Volvo. Their new slogan: “The world’s safest car just got a little more dangerous.”
Two men from Chicago have been arrested for plotting terrorist attacks in Denmark. Wow, some people in Chicago are taking it pretty hard about them awarding the Olympics to Rio.
Non-Latin names will soon be allowed for internet addresses, which means I can finally get www.igpayatinlay.com.
A man in Somalia who says he’s 112 years old has just married a 17-year-old girl. He said: “Today, God helped me realize my dream.” Because apparently, God doesn’t answer the prayers of 17-year-old girls.
The U.S. has banned a senior Kenyan official from entering the country. Right-wing Republicans were excited until realizing that it wasn’t President Obama.
Hulk Hogan has decided to return to pro wrestling at the age of 56. However, in this case, the “pro” stands for “prostate”.
Scientology was found guilty of fraud in a French lawsuit. The French government views Scientology as a con job masquerading as deep tradition whose only aim is to bilk money out of gullible victims. A similar lawsuit has been filed against the tourist district of Paris.
Former President George W. Bush spoke at a motivational seminar yesterday, because what better proof of how far positive thinking can get you, even with no particular talent or intelligence? Bush is also writing a book about his dozen toughest decisions as president. Number 1: “Who do I give all my presidential decisions?” Number 2: “Pork rinds or Fritos?”
President Obama is about to name “smart grid” projects that will modernize the nation’s electricity grid. Not to be confused with “smart griddles”, a Dept. of Defense attempt to create intelligent pancakes.
Hwang Woo-suk, the South Korean geneticist who became a national hero for creating the first clone of a dog, has been found guilty of embezzling funds. The judge informed him that there was no such thing as “cloning money”.
Astronomers have found the most distant object ever detected – a star 13.1 billion light years away. This broke the record for “most distant object” previously held by health care reform.
Verizon and Motorola have launched their answer to the iPhone, called the Droid, which is expected to spark the largest nerd joke epidemic in history. Across the nation, nerds will stand in front of the phones, wave their hands slowly in front of people’s faces and intone: “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.”
Police arrested a man who had been stalking Ryan Seacrest, which amazingly means that people exist who don’t get enough of him already.
Sarah Palin received at least $1.25 million for her autobiography “Going Rogue”. However, most of that was for finding someone to write it.
A Chinese company is thinking about buying Volvo. Their new slogan: “The world’s safest car just got a little more dangerous.”
Two men from Chicago have been arrested for plotting terrorist attacks in Denmark. Wow, some people in Chicago are taking it pretty hard about them awarding the Olympics to Rio.
Non-Latin names will soon be allowed for internet addresses, which means I can finally get www.igpayatinlay.com.
A man in Somalia who says he’s 112 years old has just married a 17-year-old girl. He said: “Today, God helped me realize my dream.” Because apparently, God doesn’t answer the prayers of 17-year-old girls.
The U.S. has banned a senior Kenyan official from entering the country. Right-wing Republicans were excited until realizing that it wasn’t President Obama.
Hulk Hogan has decided to return to pro wrestling at the age of 56. However, in this case, the “pro” stands for “prostate”.
Scientology was found guilty of fraud in a French lawsuit. The French government views Scientology as a con job masquerading as deep tradition whose only aim is to bilk money out of gullible victims. A similar lawsuit has been filed against the tourist district of Paris.
Former President George W. Bush spoke at a motivational seminar yesterday, because what better proof of how far positive thinking can get you, even with no particular talent or intelligence? Bush is also writing a book about his dozen toughest decisions as president. Number 1: “Who do I give all my presidential decisions?” Number 2: “Pork rinds or Fritos?”
President Obama is about to name “smart grid” projects that will modernize the nation’s electricity grid. Not to be confused with “smart griddles”, a Dept. of Defense attempt to create intelligent pancakes.
Hwang Woo-suk, the South Korean geneticist who became a national hero for creating the first clone of a dog, has been found guilty of embezzling funds. The judge informed him that there was no such thing as “cloning money”.
Astronomers have found the most distant object ever detected – a star 13.1 billion light years away. This broke the record for “most distant object” previously held by health care reform.
Verizon and Motorola have launched their answer to the iPhone, called the Droid, which is expected to spark the largest nerd joke epidemic in history. Across the nation, nerds will stand in front of the phones, wave their hands slowly in front of people’s faces and intone: “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.”
Police arrested a man who had been stalking Ryan Seacrest, which amazingly means that people exist who don’t get enough of him already.
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