1. A man in Oregon has been given back his lost wallet after 63 years. He reportedly said: “Oh my, the condom is still inside. If I hadn’t lost this, I would never have knocked up Mary, then we might have never gotten married, and I might have actually gotten out of this godforsaken town. Thanks for reminding me of that.” Trojan has approached him to do ads about the benefits of condom use.
2. The most accurate terrain map of Earth has now been published. One surprise was that the highest elevations in Argentina turned out to be the breasts of Governor Mark Sanford’s girlfriend. Okay, so maybe you were technically hiking through mountains. We apologize.
3. A new study says that daily sex is good for sperm. Does masturbation count? Then what does it say about hourly sex?
4. A new study says that vegetarians might live longer because they avoid cancer, but it evens out the end, because they don’t avoid getting beaten up by omnivores.
5. The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled that Al Franken is “entitled” to a Senate seat. Are they aware that they’re waving a red cape at conservatives? If there’s anything that gets Republicans up in arms, it’s the word “entitlement”. Unless your last name starts with the letter B.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
6/29
1. Thousands of post offices across the country might be closed after this summer. Yes, because the lines at post offices have become dangerously short! Something must be done to make them longer.
2. The mayor of Los Angeles says he wants to turn the city into the world’s “green manufacturing center”. Local environmentalists were thrilled until they learned the mayor wanted to turn the city into the world’s center for counterfeiting dollars.
3. In California, General Motors will pull out of a factory that it runs with Toyota. Though actually, it’s not going to ‘pull out’, so much as be ‘towed out’.
4. At Bernie Madoff’s sentencing today, one witness said he hoped Madoff’s prison cell would be his coffin. That would be a big coffin. Even in death, he’d get a penthouse.
5. A minor league baseball game in California had 51 runs between the two teams. Something tells me the pitchers aren’t exactly major league prospects. If they want to be rewarded for failure, they should pitch investments on Wall Street.
2. The mayor of Los Angeles says he wants to turn the city into the world’s “green manufacturing center”. Local environmentalists were thrilled until they learned the mayor wanted to turn the city into the world’s center for counterfeiting dollars.
3. In California, General Motors will pull out of a factory that it runs with Toyota. Though actually, it’s not going to ‘pull out’, so much as be ‘towed out’.
4. At Bernie Madoff’s sentencing today, one witness said he hoped Madoff’s prison cell would be his coffin. That would be a big coffin. Even in death, he’d get a penthouse.
5. A minor league baseball game in California had 51 runs between the two teams. Something tells me the pitchers aren’t exactly major league prospects. If they want to be rewarded for failure, they should pitch investments on Wall Street.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
6/27
1. After the bizarre disappearance of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, the Associated Press called other governors to ask where they were. For example, Governor Schwarzenegger was arm wrestling girly men, and coincidentally, so was Governor Sarah Palin.
2. The missing crown for the Miss Nevada beauty pageant has been found. Nevada senator Harry Reid apologized for the theft. It’s just that when he looks in the mirror, he needs something that really makes him feel like Senate Majority Leader.
3. The U.S. has now had over one million cases of swine flu, and the lucky one-millionth case won free hospital care! However, there’s some controversy about his claim that swine flu requires Viagra.
4. Once again, a lunch with investor Warren Buffet was auctioned off. However, this year’s auction was somewhat tainted when it was revealed that these auctions are actually the entire source of Buffet’s wealth.
5. Green is the color of the Iranian opposition, and it’s a very versatile color -- the color of Islam, money, environmentalism, and the face of anyone eating alfalfa sprouts. Did you hear there’s another case of salmonella in alfalfa sprouts? Around the country, millions of kids are praying for a salmonella outbreak in peas. Also, here in the U.S., people have been supporting the Iranian opposition since last winter:
2. The missing crown for the Miss Nevada beauty pageant has been found. Nevada senator Harry Reid apologized for the theft. It’s just that when he looks in the mirror, he needs something that really makes him feel like Senate Majority Leader.
3. The U.S. has now had over one million cases of swine flu, and the lucky one-millionth case won free hospital care! However, there’s some controversy about his claim that swine flu requires Viagra.
4. Once again, a lunch with investor Warren Buffet was auctioned off. However, this year’s auction was somewhat tainted when it was revealed that these auctions are actually the entire source of Buffet’s wealth.
5. Green is the color of the Iranian opposition, and it’s a very versatile color -- the color of Islam, money, environmentalism, and the face of anyone eating alfalfa sprouts. Did you hear there’s another case of salmonella in alfalfa sprouts? Around the country, millions of kids are praying for a salmonella outbreak in peas. Also, here in the U.S., people have been supporting the Iranian opposition since last winter:
Friday, June 26, 2009
6/26
1. The death of Michael Jackson led to a moment of silence in comedy clubs across the country. Actually, thousands of moments of silence, because so many hack comedians suddenly lost their best material.
2. Breaking News -- How the death of Michael Jackson might affect the turmoil in Iran!
3. A new study says that some plants can recognize themselves, which places them higher on the intelligence scale than parakeets.
4. China wants to replace the dollar with a different global currency. For some reason, they’re proposing fake Gucci handbags.
5. The Allies apparently tried to develop poison darts to be dropped from planes during World War II. Unfortunately, like most dart-throwers, pilots aimed best when drunk, which wasn’t so good for flying the plane.
2. Breaking News -- How the death of Michael Jackson might affect the turmoil in Iran!
3. A new study says that some plants can recognize themselves, which places them higher on the intelligence scale than parakeets.
4. China wants to replace the dollar with a different global currency. For some reason, they’re proposing fake Gucci handbags.
5. The Allies apparently tried to develop poison darts to be dropped from planes during World War II. Unfortunately, like most dart-throwers, pilots aimed best when drunk, which wasn’t so good for flying the plane.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
6/25
1. The Supreme Court has decided that it’s illegal to strip-search a 13-year-old girl. Clarence Thomas was the only justice who disagreed, because he thinks the decision might hurt his own hiring process.
2. The Indian army plans to put chili powder in grenades instead of explosives. And, this is true, it’s the same powder the army puts in its food. Now I don’t know what would be scarier if I was a soldier -- having the army tell me it was going to arm me with ketchup grenades, or discovering that the ketchup I’ve been eating can be used as a weapon.
3. In Australia, crop circles are being blamed on kangaroos who eat opium poppies. I can believe that. It’s like I was baffled by sugar circles in my kitchen until I found out ants got in my weed.
4. A recent internet video shows a church pastor trying to exorcise a homosexuality “demon” from a young boy’s belly. That’s better than my old church, which tried to exorcise homosexuality from young boys a little lower down than the belly. The pastor later claimed: “We have nothing against homosexuals. I just don’t agree with their lifestyle.” Really? Then exorcism is kind of overdoing it, don’t you think? What’s it like to hang out with you? “You know, I respectfully disagree -- beer with dinner is better than wine. COME OUT DEMON!!!”
5. Newspapers have called on Governor Sanford of South Carolina to resign after his bizarre disappearance and affair. However, some newspapers said they might change their minds if Sanford can hook them up with some hot Argentine women too.
2. The Indian army plans to put chili powder in grenades instead of explosives. And, this is true, it’s the same powder the army puts in its food. Now I don’t know what would be scarier if I was a soldier -- having the army tell me it was going to arm me with ketchup grenades, or discovering that the ketchup I’ve been eating can be used as a weapon.
3. In Australia, crop circles are being blamed on kangaroos who eat opium poppies. I can believe that. It’s like I was baffled by sugar circles in my kitchen until I found out ants got in my weed.
4. A recent internet video shows a church pastor trying to exorcise a homosexuality “demon” from a young boy’s belly. That’s better than my old church, which tried to exorcise homosexuality from young boys a little lower down than the belly. The pastor later claimed: “We have nothing against homosexuals. I just don’t agree with their lifestyle.” Really? Then exorcism is kind of overdoing it, don’t you think? What’s it like to hang out with you? “You know, I respectfully disagree -- beer with dinner is better than wine. COME OUT DEMON!!!”
5. Newspapers have called on Governor Sanford of South Carolina to resign after his bizarre disappearance and affair. However, some newspapers said they might change their minds if Sanford can hook them up with some hot Argentine women too.
BEST OF THE WEEK
Brad Pitt’s new baseball movie “Moneyball” has been delayed, because Pitt apparently thought “Moneyball” referred to how he was going to be paid.
Apple has admitted that Steve Jobs had a liver transplant a few months ago. I guess it was hard to find a liver that was compatible with the Apple chief’s body. Isn’t that poetic justice?
The White House now wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.
Swine flu is now apparently spreading through summer camps, becoming the most common infectious disease there since cooties.
The movie “Year One” is opening this weekend. I hear they call it “Year One” because that’s where it’s going to take back some of the actors’ careers.
Microchip maker Intel and cell phone maker Nokia say they have teamed up to develop cell phones with interactive graphics, multi-touch, video, and multimedia. So… basically, they want to make iPhones.
A Belgian teenager who claimed that a tattoo artist mistakenly tattooed 56 stars on her face now admits that she was lying. The tattoo artist [pictured here] says that this sort of thing never happened on his home planet.
Apple has admitted that Steve Jobs had a liver transplant a few months ago. I guess it was hard to find a liver that was compatible with the Apple chief’s body. Isn’t that poetic justice?
The White House now wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.
Swine flu is now apparently spreading through summer camps, becoming the most common infectious disease there since cooties.
The movie “Year One” is opening this weekend. I hear they call it “Year One” because that’s where it’s going to take back some of the actors’ careers.
Microchip maker Intel and cell phone maker Nokia say they have teamed up to develop cell phones with interactive graphics, multi-touch, video, and multimedia. So… basically, they want to make iPhones.
A Belgian teenager who claimed that a tattoo artist mistakenly tattooed 56 stars on her face now admits that she was lying. The tattoo artist [pictured here] says that this sort of thing never happened on his home planet.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
6/24
1. Next year, the Academy Awards are going to double the nominees for Best Picture, because Hollywood is just producing too many deep and original stories these days. Finally, there will be room for films like “Land of the Lost” and “Transformers II”, which have been so tragically snubbed in the past.
2. The White House now wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.
3. A new study says that people are more likely to listen if you speak in their right ear. During the study, researchers went to dance clubs and asked people for cigarettes. Can I do this research? You get to go dancing and bum cigarettes off people? For the next stage of the study, scientists will be asking women to have sex with them.
4. The governor of South Carolina, who disappeared to Argentina for six days without telling anyone, has now admitted, shockingly, that he’s been having an affair. In retrospect, it’s so obvious, and yet no one was questioning it. We were all like oblivious girlfriends. “Where have you been? We’ve been trying to call you for days!” “Uhhh, I was hiking the Appalachian Trail.” “What? You don’t even own hiking boots.” “Uhhh, I was in Argentina.” “Oh, okay. Let‘s snuggle!”
5. The prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, insists that he’s never paid for sex. Actually, I honestly believe that he doesn‘t pay women to have sex with him. They simply do it because he’s one of the wealthiest men in the world. That’s very different.
2. The White House now wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.
3. A new study says that people are more likely to listen if you speak in their right ear. During the study, researchers went to dance clubs and asked people for cigarettes. Can I do this research? You get to go dancing and bum cigarettes off people? For the next stage of the study, scientists will be asking women to have sex with them.
4. The governor of South Carolina, who disappeared to Argentina for six days without telling anyone, has now admitted, shockingly, that he’s been having an affair. In retrospect, it’s so obvious, and yet no one was questioning it. We were all like oblivious girlfriends. “Where have you been? We’ve been trying to call you for days!” “Uhhh, I was hiking the Appalachian Trail.” “What? You don’t even own hiking boots.” “Uhhh, I was in Argentina.” “Oh, okay. Let‘s snuggle!”
5. The prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, insists that he’s never paid for sex. Actually, I honestly believe that he doesn‘t pay women to have sex with him. They simply do it because he’s one of the wealthiest men in the world. That’s very different.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
6/23
1. A Belgian teenager who claimed that a tattoo artist mistakenly tattooed 56 stars on her face after she fell asleep, now admits that she was lying. The tattoo artist [pictured here] says that this sort of thing never happened on his home planet.2. Microchip maker Intel and cell phone maker Nokia say they have teamed up to develop cell phones with interactive graphics, multi-touch, video, and multimedia. So… basically, they want to make iPhones.
3. Chaos continued at the New York State Senate yesterday, as Republicans and Democrats kept heckling and playing pranks on each other. First, (this is true) Democrats wouldn’t open the Senate doors for two hours. Then when Republicans tried to speak (again, this is true), Democrats would turn off the microphone and cameras. Now, the latest problem is that the food in the Senate cafeteria apparently tastes “yucky”.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker used a surrogate mother to have her baby yesterday, because she’s now so skinny that her body couldn’t even pass a grape, let alone a fetus.
5. A new study says that opera is good for lowering blood pressure. Unless the singer shatters your eardrum.
Monday, June 22, 2009
6/22
1. A new study says that some plants fake being sick in order to keep insects from eating them. Yeah, that’s also how I escaped some muggers a couple weeks ago. [cough] “Sorry, swine flu.”
2. Nestle has recalled all of its raw cookie-dough, because apparently the most recent batch cancels out the effects of weed. Is it ironic that so much unbaked food is eaten by people who are baked?
3. Hillary Clinton broke her elbow yesterday. It apparently happened during a press conference with Joe Biden, when she had to keep jabbing him in the ribs.
4. The clothing retailer Eddie Bauer filed for bankruptcy today, causing grief among thousands of middle-aged hipsters with bad spelling who thought it was Eddie Vedder. Luckily, being an outdoor equipment company, Eddie Bauer’s prepared for being homeless.
5. The airline Alitalia has left Sicily out of its in-flight maps. This is the biggest such omission since American Airlines left Minnesota out of a map of the United States. It took three weeks to spot the error, however, because Minnesota is very easy-going, and didn’t really mind.
2. Nestle has recalled all of its raw cookie-dough, because apparently the most recent batch cancels out the effects of weed. Is it ironic that so much unbaked food is eaten by people who are baked?
3. Hillary Clinton broke her elbow yesterday. It apparently happened during a press conference with Joe Biden, when she had to keep jabbing him in the ribs.
4. The clothing retailer Eddie Bauer filed for bankruptcy today, causing grief among thousands of middle-aged hipsters with bad spelling who thought it was Eddie Vedder. Luckily, being an outdoor equipment company, Eddie Bauer’s prepared for being homeless.
5. The airline Alitalia has left Sicily out of its in-flight maps. This is the biggest such omission since American Airlines left Minnesota out of a map of the United States. It took three weeks to spot the error, however, because Minnesota is very easy-going, and didn’t really mind.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
6/21
1. Brad Pitt’s new baseball movie “Moneyball” has been delayed, because Pitt apparently thought “Moneyball” referred to how he was going to be paid.
2. The National Organization of Women has elected a new president. And the election was particularly historic, because this is the group’s first female president.
3. The descendants of Geronimo have been trying to get his remains back from the Yale secret society Skull and Bones. But Skull and Bones says that if it gave them back, it would have to change its name to just “and”.
4. The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “The Proposal”, starring Sandra Bullock. The proposal in the title refers to one between Bullock and the American people. If the American people surrender and give her a number one movie, then she will finally agree to stop making movies.
5. Here’s a sign that Obama is doing the right thing with Iran. The head ayatollah said that Iran’s biggest enemy was… Britain! That’s fantastic! Not so good for the British, but great for us. Maybe we can sell them some British flags to burn. It’ll help revive the economy.
2. The National Organization of Women has elected a new president. And the election was particularly historic, because this is the group’s first female president.
3. The descendants of Geronimo have been trying to get his remains back from the Yale secret society Skull and Bones. But Skull and Bones says that if it gave them back, it would have to change its name to just “and”.
4. The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “The Proposal”, starring Sandra Bullock. The proposal in the title refers to one between Bullock and the American people. If the American people surrender and give her a number one movie, then she will finally agree to stop making movies.
5. Here’s a sign that Obama is doing the right thing with Iran. The head ayatollah said that Iran’s biggest enemy was… Britain! That’s fantastic! Not so good for the British, but great for us. Maybe we can sell them some British flags to burn. It’ll help revive the economy.
Friday, June 19, 2009
6/19
1. The head of Apple, Steve Jobs, apparently had a liver transplant a few months ago. I guess it was hard to find a liver that was compatible with the Apple chief’s body. Isn’t that poetic justice?
2. Pizza Hut is going to change its name to appeal more to young people. From now on, it will be known as ‘Pizza Barn’. No, they will now be known simply as (true) ‘The Hut’. Yes, because nothing says Italian food like… huts. In addition, the company says (again, true) that the restaurants will now feature -- television sets. “Yes, these young people seem to be into tell-a-vision. We should look into that.” The company says the televisions will broadcast shows like “Wheel of Fortune” and “Entertainment Tonight”. Because that’s what the kids are watching. Look, it’s not that hard to appeal to young people. Just promote your strengths: you feature some of the most artery-clogging food in the world. That will be more than enough to grab the youth market.
3. A plane carrying Arnold Schwarzenegger had to make an emergency landing because of smoke in the cockpit. It turned out to be a false alarm, though, because the smoke was just from his cigar.
4. A new study says that green tea can help slow the growth of prostate cancer, because green tea drinkers aren’t getting laid very much.
5. Have you seen this YouTube video with a guy swallowing an entire microphone? Well, I have one word for that guy -- amateur! I can swallow the whole stand. You have to pay to see that site, though.
2. Pizza Hut is going to change its name to appeal more to young people. From now on, it will be known as ‘Pizza Barn’. No, they will now be known simply as (true) ‘The Hut’. Yes, because nothing says Italian food like… huts. In addition, the company says (again, true) that the restaurants will now feature -- television sets. “Yes, these young people seem to be into tell-a-vision. We should look into that.” The company says the televisions will broadcast shows like “Wheel of Fortune” and “Entertainment Tonight”. Because that’s what the kids are watching. Look, it’s not that hard to appeal to young people. Just promote your strengths: you feature some of the most artery-clogging food in the world. That will be more than enough to grab the youth market.
3. A plane carrying Arnold Schwarzenegger had to make an emergency landing because of smoke in the cockpit. It turned out to be a false alarm, though, because the smoke was just from his cigar.
4. A new study says that green tea can help slow the growth of prostate cancer, because green tea drinkers aren’t getting laid very much.
5. Have you seen this YouTube video with a guy swallowing an entire microphone? Well, I have one word for that guy -- amateur! I can swallow the whole stand. You have to pay to see that site, though.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
6/18
1. Swine flu is now apparently spreading through summer camps, becoming the most common infectious disease there since cooties.
2. The movie “Year One” is opening this weekend. I hear they call it “Year One” because that’s where it’s going to take back some of the actors’ careers.
3. Did you hear about this Continental flight from Europe where the pilot died during the flight? For a pilot, is that like dying during sex? That would be perfect, since the co-pilots could take over. Which for me is also similar to dying during sex.
4. Yesterday, a window cleaner in Wisconsin survived a fall of six stories. He said the experience was surreal. No, actually, you fell. That’s ‘real’. Surreal would have been if you floated away, or if the building turned into Paris Hilton.
5. Some nutritionists now say that pasta and rice keep you feeling full for longer. Longer than what? Air? Yeah, when I want to feel full, screw meat or dairy. Give me rice!
2. The movie “Year One” is opening this weekend. I hear they call it “Year One” because that’s where it’s going to take back some of the actors’ careers.
3. Did you hear about this Continental flight from Europe where the pilot died during the flight? For a pilot, is that like dying during sex? That would be perfect, since the co-pilots could take over. Which for me is also similar to dying during sex.
4. Yesterday, a window cleaner in Wisconsin survived a fall of six stories. He said the experience was surreal. No, actually, you fell. That’s ‘real’. Surreal would have been if you floated away, or if the building turned into Paris Hilton.
5. Some nutritionists now say that pasta and rice keep you feeling full for longer. Longer than what? Air? Yeah, when I want to feel full, screw meat or dairy. Give me rice!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
6/17
1. Starbucks has announced that it will grind coffee beans for every new pot, because if there’s anything that Starbucks needs, with all the kids, loud music, and shouting baristas -- it’s more noise. Representatives of the International Study Association said its members will now study in quieter places, like bus stations and rock quarries.
2. Did you hear about this girl in Belgium who wanted three stars tattooed on her face, fell asleep in the chair, and ended up with over fifty? But you know, I think the problem began with wanting tattoos on your face! That’s like: “Oh my god! I only wanted them to burn my garage for the insurance money, and they ended up burning the whole house!” I also think this might be a case of: “Wow, my dad is way more pissed off than I thought! ‘Uhh, I fell asleep!’”
3. A teenager from Kansas has won a national cell-phone texting championship. And she sends an average of 14,000 texts a month! She’s easy to spot in her town -- she’s the one with hoof-like calluses on her thumbs. The competition was sponsored by the Korean company LG Electronics. And the LG was, this is true, originally ‘Lucky Goldstar’. I hear they changed the name because it was, um, Lucky Goldstar! Jesus, it sounds like an old B-Western actor. “Howdy there! I’m Lucky Goldstar!”
4. A guy in New York apparently dressed up as his dead mother for the last six years to get her Social Security payments. His name? Norman Bates. “Mother! I want my Social Security!”
5. The Emmys had to be moved back to avoid clashing with the MTV Awards. But considering who’s on reality shows these days, a real conflict would be with the VH1 Awards.
2. Did you hear about this girl in Belgium who wanted three stars tattooed on her face, fell asleep in the chair, and ended up with over fifty? But you know, I think the problem began with wanting tattoos on your face! That’s like: “Oh my god! I only wanted them to burn my garage for the insurance money, and they ended up burning the whole house!” I also think this might be a case of: “Wow, my dad is way more pissed off than I thought! ‘Uhh, I fell asleep!’”
3. A teenager from Kansas has won a national cell-phone texting championship. And she sends an average of 14,000 texts a month! She’s easy to spot in her town -- she’s the one with hoof-like calluses on her thumbs. The competition was sponsored by the Korean company LG Electronics. And the LG was, this is true, originally ‘Lucky Goldstar’. I hear they changed the name because it was, um, Lucky Goldstar! Jesus, it sounds like an old B-Western actor. “Howdy there! I’m Lucky Goldstar!”
4. A guy in New York apparently dressed up as his dead mother for the last six years to get her Social Security payments. His name? Norman Bates. “Mother! I want my Social Security!”
5. The Emmys had to be moved back to avoid clashing with the MTV Awards. But considering who’s on reality shows these days, a real conflict would be with the VH1 Awards.
BEST OF THE WEEK
Yesterday the founder of the Chili’s restaurant chain died. He apparently asked to be cremated. On a wood-fired grill. With honey-mustard sauce.
Some prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are going to be sent to Bermuda, because states like Montana say they’ll never take them. Wow, I bet the prisoners are upset about that! “What? We have to go to Bermuda instead of Montana?! Oh, the hell of it all!”
Did you hear about this Saudi princess who owes a Paris store $100,000 for lingerie? Yeah, good to know that whole Muslim fundamentalism thing is working out. Why would a Saudi woman even wear lingerie? Her husband’s just having sex with the maid.
Protesters in Iran are using Twitter to coordinate their marches. Unfortunately, the marches haven’t been very effective, since they only have 140 protesters or fewer.
Starting today, all TV has to be broadcast digitally. Because before, broadcasters didn’t use their fingers.
Do you know that you can now get a virtual colonoscopy, instead of having an actual camera inserted up your ass? The odd part is that the doctor still has to wear latex gloves.
The Molson brewing company just announced that its retirees will no longer receive free beer. And in similar news, retired Wall Street executives will no longer get fresh hundred-dollar bills for cleaning their shoes. The beer thing is especially cruel, because now the retirees have to live in Canada sober.
The theme park company Six Flags is filing for bankruptcy. The news was particularly bad for those people currently on the first hill of Nitro.
Some prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are going to be sent to Bermuda, because states like Montana say they’ll never take them. Wow, I bet the prisoners are upset about that! “What? We have to go to Bermuda instead of Montana?! Oh, the hell of it all!”
Did you hear about this Saudi princess who owes a Paris store $100,000 for lingerie? Yeah, good to know that whole Muslim fundamentalism thing is working out. Why would a Saudi woman even wear lingerie? Her husband’s just having sex with the maid.
Protesters in Iran are using Twitter to coordinate their marches. Unfortunately, the marches haven’t been very effective, since they only have 140 protesters or fewer.
Starting today, all TV has to be broadcast digitally. Because before, broadcasters didn’t use their fingers.
Do you know that you can now get a virtual colonoscopy, instead of having an actual camera inserted up your ass? The odd part is that the doctor still has to wear latex gloves.
The Molson brewing company just announced that its retirees will no longer receive free beer. And in similar news, retired Wall Street executives will no longer get fresh hundred-dollar bills for cleaning their shoes. The beer thing is especially cruel, because now the retirees have to live in Canada sober.
The theme park company Six Flags is filing for bankruptcy. The news was particularly bad for those people currently on the first hill of Nitro.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
6/16
1. Senator John Ensign of Nevada has admitted to having an affair. But it’s not really so surprising that Senator Ensign had an affair, considering his campaign slogan was “Living Ensign” (pronounced “Living En Sin”).
2. Rupert Murdoch, the owner of the website MySpace, has come even closer to making MySpace’s name a reality, by laying off 400 workers. Soon, it will be just him, and the quest will be complete.
3. French president Nicolas Sarkozy was booed at the funeral of the leader of the nation of Gabon, Omar Bongo, after he tried to play a farewell song on the Bongo. It apparently seemed funny at the time.
4. Some of the country’s biggest banks say that the recession might be over by the end of summer. Yeah, because they’ve been right so many times before. “We will inflate this economy with as much fake wealth as it takes!”
5. Do you know that you can now get a virtual colonoscopy, instead of having an actual camera inserted up your ass? The odd part is that the doctor still has to wear latex gloves.
2. Rupert Murdoch, the owner of the website MySpace, has come even closer to making MySpace’s name a reality, by laying off 400 workers. Soon, it will be just him, and the quest will be complete.
3. French president Nicolas Sarkozy was booed at the funeral of the leader of the nation of Gabon, Omar Bongo, after he tried to play a farewell song on the Bongo. It apparently seemed funny at the time.
4. Some of the country’s biggest banks say that the recession might be over by the end of summer. Yeah, because they’ve been right so many times before. “We will inflate this economy with as much fake wealth as it takes!”
5. Do you know that you can now get a virtual colonoscopy, instead of having an actual camera inserted up your ass? The odd part is that the doctor still has to wear latex gloves.
Monday, June 15, 2009
6/15
1. Man, look at this picture of the protests going on in Iran! Riots, fires, battles with the police! Oh, wait, those are L.A. Lakers fans.2. Protesters in Iran are using Twitter to coordinate their marches. Unfortunately, the marches haven’t been very effective, since they only have 140 protesters or fewer.
3. President Obama says that he is “deeply troubled” by the violence in Iran. He said: “The only people who should be allowed to commit violence in Iran are NATO.” The protesters are wearing green, which is meant to symbolize green M&Ms. It’s time for many different kinds of revolution there.
4. J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter books, is being sued for plagiarism. Do you notice unsuccessful authors rarely get sued for plagiarism? You never hear about Joe the Baker getting sued for "The Bun Also Rises”.
5. Did you hear that a cream for fighting cancer might also erase wrinkles? Maybe that's the reason for all those "charity" visits by celebrities.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
6/13
1. North Korea says it’s going to enrich uranium for nuclear weapons, marking the first thing in North Korea to ever be enriched besides its leaders.
2. The theme park company Six Flags is filing for bankruptcy. The news was especially bad for those people currently on the first hill of Nitro.
3. Yesterday, a high school baseball umpire in Iowa ejected the entire crowd from the game. Like most people ejected from baseball games, the crowd kicked dirt on him. It took an hour to dig him out.
4. Microsoft is going to give away free anti-virus software, to try and compete with anti-virus companies. Man, that’s like Starbucks selling sleeping pills.
5. The presidential election in Iran is producing riots, fires, and violent battles with police. In response, this is true, the Iranian interior minister warned that demonstrations need official permission. Yeah, they’re not upset with the fires, riots, and battles with police [pictured below in Iranian government-approved form]. But you need to have official permission! You can’t just go doing that stuff willy-nilly!
2. The theme park company Six Flags is filing for bankruptcy. The news was especially bad for those people currently on the first hill of Nitro.
3. Yesterday, a high school baseball umpire in Iowa ejected the entire crowd from the game. Like most people ejected from baseball games, the crowd kicked dirt on him. It took an hour to dig him out.
4. Microsoft is going to give away free anti-virus software, to try and compete with anti-virus companies. Man, that’s like Starbucks selling sleeping pills.
5. The presidential election in Iran is producing riots, fires, and violent battles with police. In response, this is true, the Iranian interior minister warned that demonstrations need official permission. Yeah, they’re not upset with the fires, riots, and battles with police [pictured below in Iranian government-approved form]. But you need to have official permission! You can’t just go doing that stuff willy-nilly!
Friday, June 12, 2009
6/12
1. Some prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are going to be sent to Bermuda, because states like Montana say they’ll never take them. Wow, I bet the prisoners are upset about that! “What? We have to go to Bermuda instead of Montana?! Oh, the hell of it all!”
2. Starting today, all TV has to be broadcast digitally. Because before, broadcasters didn’t use their fingers.
3. The movie “The Taking of Pelham 123” comes out this weekend. It stars John Travolta as a subway driver who hijacks a train because some idiot wouldn’t stand clear of the closing doors. “All right! That’s it! If you people won’t stand clear of the goddamn doors, I’m hijacking this train!”
4. Did you hear about this Saudi princess who owes a Paris store $100,000 for lingerie? Yeah, good to know that whole Muslim fundamentalism thing is working out. Why would a Saudi woman even wear lingerie? Her husband’s just having sex with the maid.
5. A new study says that humans can’t actually tell if dogs feel guilty. Dogs will look guilty if you yell at them, but before that, there‘s no way to tell. The same also holds true for executives needing government bailouts. They only look guilty after you start yelling at them, so you can't really tell.
2. Starting today, all TV has to be broadcast digitally. Because before, broadcasters didn’t use their fingers.
3. The movie “The Taking of Pelham 123” comes out this weekend. It stars John Travolta as a subway driver who hijacks a train because some idiot wouldn’t stand clear of the closing doors. “All right! That’s it! If you people won’t stand clear of the goddamn doors, I’m hijacking this train!”
4. Did you hear about this Saudi princess who owes a Paris store $100,000 for lingerie? Yeah, good to know that whole Muslim fundamentalism thing is working out. Why would a Saudi woman even wear lingerie? Her husband’s just having sex with the maid.
5. A new study says that humans can’t actually tell if dogs feel guilty. Dogs will look guilty if you yell at them, but before that, there‘s no way to tell. The same also holds true for executives needing government bailouts. They only look guilty after you start yelling at them, so you can't really tell.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
6/11
1. Yesterday the founder of the Chili’s restaurant chain died. He apparently asked to be cremated. On a wood-fired grill. With honey-mustard sauce.
2. The Molson brewing company just announced that its retirees will no longer receive free beer. And in similar news, retired Wall Street executives will no longer get fresh hundred-dollar bills for cleaning their shoes. The beer thing is especially cruel, because now the retirees have to live in Canada sober.
3. In Russia, prime minister Vladimir Putin caused some controversy by telling one of the country’s best artists how to paint better. Said Putin: “These tears are not realistic. Let me show you what tears look like.” Then Putin said that a warrior’s sword in the painting was too short, which is not the first time that Putin has requested male enhancement.
4. The challenger in the presidential election in Iran is using Twitter to communicate with voters. As opposed to current president Ahmadinejad, who’s just using Twit.
5. Have you seen the mugshot of Phil Spector without any of his wigs? Apparently the wigs are being held at a separate maximum security prison.
2. The Molson brewing company just announced that its retirees will no longer receive free beer. And in similar news, retired Wall Street executives will no longer get fresh hundred-dollar bills for cleaning their shoes. The beer thing is especially cruel, because now the retirees have to live in Canada sober.
3. In Russia, prime minister Vladimir Putin caused some controversy by telling one of the country’s best artists how to paint better. Said Putin: “These tears are not realistic. Let me show you what tears look like.” Then Putin said that a warrior’s sword in the painting was too short, which is not the first time that Putin has requested male enhancement.
4. The challenger in the presidential election in Iran is using Twitter to communicate with voters. As opposed to current president Ahmadinejad, who’s just using Twit.
5. Have you seen the mugshot of Phil Spector without any of his wigs? Apparently the wigs are being held at a separate maximum security prison.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
6/10
1. A co-star of actress Megan Fox said he wished that she’d put more clothes on. I can understand -- I used to live in New Jersey. I thought that about a lot of women in my neighborhood.
2. Scientists say that in one billion years, there’s a tiny chance that Venus could collide with Earth. Some people don’t quite get it, though. I know a woman who doesn’t want Venus to hit us, because she doesn’t want any more competition by the women from there.
3. Have you heard about these banks who won’t take you off their spam lists, because they say that their spams are too important? Hey, you shouldn’t make your owners angry at you! We own you! This might be a loophole for other spam companies to make their spams legal. Just become the Bank of Viagra.
4. This year is China’s first Gay Pride Parade, but officials have cancelled two of the events, because they don‘t like political rallies. You would think they would be more into this. One child per family? How about zero children per family? And as if gays have been toppling a lot governments. Unless you count theater departments.
5. The topless coffee shop in Maine that got burned down recently has reopened in a tent. That gives new meaning to the term “roughing it”.
2. Scientists say that in one billion years, there’s a tiny chance that Venus could collide with Earth. Some people don’t quite get it, though. I know a woman who doesn’t want Venus to hit us, because she doesn’t want any more competition by the women from there.
3. Have you heard about these banks who won’t take you off their spam lists, because they say that their spams are too important? Hey, you shouldn’t make your owners angry at you! We own you! This might be a loophole for other spam companies to make their spams legal. Just become the Bank of Viagra.
4. This year is China’s first Gay Pride Parade, but officials have cancelled two of the events, because they don‘t like political rallies. You would think they would be more into this. One child per family? How about zero children per family? And as if gays have been toppling a lot governments. Unless you count theater departments.
5. The topless coffee shop in Maine that got burned down recently has reopened in a tent. That gives new meaning to the term “roughing it”.
BEST OF THE WEEK
In France, a team of prisoners will be allowed to compete in the huge Tour de France bicycle race. French prison officials say they hope the project will teach the inmates how to use teamwork. Um, isn’t teamwork the way that prisoners escape?
An auction is coming up for Elvis’s old prescription pill bottles. The largest expected bidders? Plastic recycling companies. There’s going to be enough there to keep them in business for years.
Wal-Mart plans to add 22,000 jobs this year. Unfortunately, they’re all in China.
Two Americans who spied for Cuba say they did it for political reasons instead of money. Apparently, they’re members of the CLF -- the Cigar Liberation Front. It’s a small group, but very obnoxious and smelly.
A nine-year-old star of the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” is going to publish a memoir. It’s called “How I started being exploited by my parents, moved on to being exploited by a movie company, and finally graduated to being exploited by a book publisher.”
General Motors apparently tried to sell its Hummer brand to a Chinese company, but the Chinese government says that Hummers use too much gas. Wow, that’s how you know a vehicle is bad for the environment -- when the Chinese say that it causes too much pollution.
In Sweden, the Pirate Party has won a seat in the European government. It’s the first time Swedish pirates have done that since the Vikings. And they celebrated arrr night long.
In California, students are going to get internet textbooks instead of physical ones. Man, you thought kids were distracted by windows in classrooms -- now outside the windows put people having sex. And yes, I saw the whole windows / Windows pun, but it was too easy. Only the best for my readers!
An American court has decided that a two-hundred-year-old Spanish shipwreck belongs to Spain instead of a treasure-hunting company. Are they sure they want to set that precedent? I hear the next lawsuit is from Native Americans about some island called Manhattan.
An auction is coming up for Elvis’s old prescription pill bottles. The largest expected bidders? Plastic recycling companies. There’s going to be enough there to keep them in business for years.
Wal-Mart plans to add 22,000 jobs this year. Unfortunately, they’re all in China.
Two Americans who spied for Cuba say they did it for political reasons instead of money. Apparently, they’re members of the CLF -- the Cigar Liberation Front. It’s a small group, but very obnoxious and smelly.
A nine-year-old star of the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” is going to publish a memoir. It’s called “How I started being exploited by my parents, moved on to being exploited by a movie company, and finally graduated to being exploited by a book publisher.”
General Motors apparently tried to sell its Hummer brand to a Chinese company, but the Chinese government says that Hummers use too much gas. Wow, that’s how you know a vehicle is bad for the environment -- when the Chinese say that it causes too much pollution.
In Sweden, the Pirate Party has won a seat in the European government. It’s the first time Swedish pirates have done that since the Vikings. And they celebrated arrr night long.
In California, students are going to get internet textbooks instead of physical ones. Man, you thought kids were distracted by windows in classrooms -- now outside the windows put people having sex. And yes, I saw the whole windows / Windows pun, but it was too easy. Only the best for my readers!
An American court has decided that a two-hundred-year-old Spanish shipwreck belongs to Spain instead of a treasure-hunting company. Are they sure they want to set that precedent? I hear the next lawsuit is from Native Americans about some island called Manhattan.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
6/9
1. In Sweden, the Pirate Party has won a seat in the European government. It’s the first time Swedish pirates have done that since the Vikings. And they celebrated arrr night long.
2. In California, students are going to get internet textbooks instead of physical ones. Man, you thought kids were distracted by windows in classrooms -- now outside the windows put people having sex. And yes, I saw the whole windows / Windows pun, but it was too easy. Only the best for my readers!
3. In California, Governor Schwarzenegger is thinking of selling San Quentin prison, because it’s on prime real estate, with a gorgeous view right near San Francisco. The biggest opposition to selling the prison is from lawmakers, who often refer to San Quentin as the “Retirement Home”.
4. Former lead singer of Poison, Bret Michaels, was injured by a piece of scenery during the Tony Awards. It marks the first time Michaels was injured during an awards show because it was the first time he was ever invited to one.
5. A website that makes micro-loans to entrepreneurs in the Third World is now going to offer loans to people in the United States. Yes, I’d like one of those loans to start a new business. It’s called: “Paying My Rent Inc.”
2. In California, students are going to get internet textbooks instead of physical ones. Man, you thought kids were distracted by windows in classrooms -- now outside the windows put people having sex. And yes, I saw the whole windows / Windows pun, but it was too easy. Only the best for my readers!
3. In California, Governor Schwarzenegger is thinking of selling San Quentin prison, because it’s on prime real estate, with a gorgeous view right near San Francisco. The biggest opposition to selling the prison is from lawmakers, who often refer to San Quentin as the “Retirement Home”.
4. Former lead singer of Poison, Bret Michaels, was injured by a piece of scenery during the Tony Awards. It marks the first time Michaels was injured during an awards show because it was the first time he was ever invited to one.
5. A website that makes micro-loans to entrepreneurs in the Third World is now going to offer loans to people in the United States. Yes, I’d like one of those loans to start a new business. It’s called: “Paying My Rent Inc.”
Monday, June 8, 2009
6/8
1. Did you hear about these two American reporters sentenced to 12 years of hard labor in North Korea? Although there, that just means for 12 years they have to live... in North Korea.
2. Did you hear about this government coup over the weekend? In a secret backroom deal, the opposition party got a member of the ruling party to put them in power, in exchange for making him the leader. So to keep the opposition from taking over, the ruling party has literally locked them out of the building. They won’t give them the keys! Man, where is that happening? Bolivia?! Um, no, it’s the New York State Senate. This is true. You know, people get lulled into a false sense of security because the federal government is pretty competent, but on the state level, it’s banana republic time.
3. Melissa Gilbert, the former child star of “Little House on the Prairie”, has, shockingly, written a memoir describing her life as a child star to be a little wild. She says Michael Landon drank on the set, and that explains why she picked men who smelled like alcohol. Really? You know, doctors smell like alcohol too. Also, Michael Landon dressed like a farmer, but I don’t see you dating many of them.
4. The main soccer field in the nation of Swaziland has been destroyed, because teams keep sneaking in during the night and cutting or burning magic charms into it. Yeah, that’s why they also keep having to replace the floorboards at L.A. Clippers games.
5. A bear cub got its head stuck in a bird feeder over the weekend. Normally, a bear cub wouldn’t go after bird food, but in this economy, everyone is downsizing.
2. Did you hear about this government coup over the weekend? In a secret backroom deal, the opposition party got a member of the ruling party to put them in power, in exchange for making him the leader. So to keep the opposition from taking over, the ruling party has literally locked them out of the building. They won’t give them the keys! Man, where is that happening? Bolivia?! Um, no, it’s the New York State Senate. This is true. You know, people get lulled into a false sense of security because the federal government is pretty competent, but on the state level, it’s banana republic time.
3. Melissa Gilbert, the former child star of “Little House on the Prairie”, has, shockingly, written a memoir describing her life as a child star to be a little wild. She says Michael Landon drank on the set, and that explains why she picked men who smelled like alcohol. Really? You know, doctors smell like alcohol too. Also, Michael Landon dressed like a farmer, but I don’t see you dating many of them.
4. The main soccer field in the nation of Swaziland has been destroyed, because teams keep sneaking in during the night and cutting or burning magic charms into it. Yeah, that’s why they also keep having to replace the floorboards at L.A. Clippers games.
5. A bear cub got its head stuck in a bird feeder over the weekend. Normally, a bear cub wouldn’t go after bird food, but in this economy, everyone is downsizing.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
6/6
1. Did you hear about this guy in New York who died in his van, and police just kept putting parking tickets on it? You know, the New York police say that they perform with “Courtesy, Professionalism, Respect”, which is abbreviated as CPR, but apparently sometimes they don’t perform actual CPR.
2. General Motors tried to sell the Hummer brand to a Chinese company, but the Chinese government says that Hummers use too much gas. That’s how you know a vehicle is bad for the environment -- when the Chinese say that it causes too much pollution.
3. In hockey news, Pittsburgh and Detroit are going to meet in the Stanley Cup final, also known as “Feel Good for Once About Living in Pittsburgh and Detroit Week”. Until next week, when one of them will have even one more thing to feel bad about. You know, Detroit is called Motor City. But these days, that’s like saying Williamsburg is a gritty Puerto Rican neighborhood. Yeah, maybe if you translate Puerto Rico literally as “Rich Port”. Of course, California has a grizzly bear on its flag, even though it shot its last grizzly bear a 100 years ago. It’s like California’s telling the world: “Hey, come to California! We’ll kill you too.”
4. The company Palm is making a smartphone that is being called the “iPhone killer”. Which is also the name of a guy who beats people over the head with iPhones.
5. Scientists have finally discovered how blood clots form, which will help in the fight against vampires.
2. General Motors tried to sell the Hummer brand to a Chinese company, but the Chinese government says that Hummers use too much gas. That’s how you know a vehicle is bad for the environment -- when the Chinese say that it causes too much pollution.
3. In hockey news, Pittsburgh and Detroit are going to meet in the Stanley Cup final, also known as “Feel Good for Once About Living in Pittsburgh and Detroit Week”. Until next week, when one of them will have even one more thing to feel bad about. You know, Detroit is called Motor City. But these days, that’s like saying Williamsburg is a gritty Puerto Rican neighborhood. Yeah, maybe if you translate Puerto Rico literally as “Rich Port”. Of course, California has a grizzly bear on its flag, even though it shot its last grizzly bear a 100 years ago. It’s like California’s telling the world: “Hey, come to California! We’ll kill you too.”
4. The company Palm is making a smartphone that is being called the “iPhone killer”. Which is also the name of a guy who beats people over the head with iPhones.
5. Scientists have finally discovered how blood clots form, which will help in the fight against vampires.
Friday, June 5, 2009
6/5
1. Two Americans who spied for Cuba say they did it for political reasons instead of money. Apparently, they’re members of the CLF -- the Cigar Liberation Front. It’s a small group, but very obnoxious and smelly.
2. A rancher in South Dakota has won a $232 million lottery jackpot, making him 5% of South Dakota’s entire income.
3. A nine-year-old star of the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” is going to publish a memoir. It’s called “How I started being exploited by my parents, moved on to being exploited by a movie company, and finally graduated to being exploited by a book publisher.”
4. I love Italy. Photos have been published showing several naked women running around a party at the Italian prime minister‘s house. But that’s not the scandal! The scandal is that he used public funds for the party. If an Italian policeman screwed his horse, Italians would just be upset that it was a publicly owned horse.
5. To stop cheating on college entrance exams, the Chinese government is going to use armed police. You don’t want to know the penalty for not using a No. 2 pencil.
2. A rancher in South Dakota has won a $232 million lottery jackpot, making him 5% of South Dakota’s entire income.
3. A nine-year-old star of the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” is going to publish a memoir. It’s called “How I started being exploited by my parents, moved on to being exploited by a movie company, and finally graduated to being exploited by a book publisher.”
4. I love Italy. Photos have been published showing several naked women running around a party at the Italian prime minister‘s house. But that’s not the scandal! The scandal is that he used public funds for the party. If an Italian policeman screwed his horse, Italians would just be upset that it was a publicly owned horse.
5. To stop cheating on college entrance exams, the Chinese government is going to use armed police. You don’t want to know the penalty for not using a No. 2 pencil.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
6/4
1. There’s going to be an auction for Elvis’s old prescription pill bottles. The largest expected bidders? Plastic recycling companies. There’s going to be enough there to keep them in business for years.
2. Wal-Mart plans to add 22,000 jobs this year. Unfortunately, they’re all in China.
3. An American court has decided that a two-hundred-year-old shipwreck belongs to Spain instead of a treasure-hunting company. Are they sure they want to set that precedent? I hear the next lawsuit is from Native Americans about some island called Manhattan.
4. In his trip to the Middle East, President Obama has tried to reach out to Muslims. Which is better than what the right-wing media has accused him, which is giving the Muslim world a reach-around.
5. There have been people saying that gay marriage might help the economy, because there will be a big wave of expensive weddings. But won’t that just be a giant circle, since many of the wedding planners are also gay? “We’ll pay you to do our wedding, if you pay us to do yours!”
2. Wal-Mart plans to add 22,000 jobs this year. Unfortunately, they’re all in China.
3. An American court has decided that a two-hundred-year-old shipwreck belongs to Spain instead of a treasure-hunting company. Are they sure they want to set that precedent? I hear the next lawsuit is from Native Americans about some island called Manhattan.
4. In his trip to the Middle East, President Obama has tried to reach out to Muslims. Which is better than what the right-wing media has accused him, which is giving the Muslim world a reach-around.
5. There have been people saying that gay marriage might help the economy, because there will be a big wave of expensive weddings. But won’t that just be a giant circle, since many of the wedding planners are also gay? “We’ll pay you to do our wedding, if you pay us to do yours!”
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
6/3
1. In France, a team of prisoners will be allowed to compete in the huge Tour de France bicycle race. Prison officials say they hope the project will teach the inmates how to use teamwork. Um, isn’t teamwork the way that prisoners escape?
2. Scientists have been spending years analyzing Neil Armstrong’s speech patterns when he said his first words on the moon, and they have finally determined for certain that he did not say the letter “a”. Wow, this recession has left some people very unbusy. Can I have that job? Good to know we’ve got plenty of people working on that and not on trivial matters like global warming.
3. You know Casual Friday? The L.A. City Council is apparently going to start Really Casual Friday (i.e. city services will be closed every other Friday).
4. Some people in the media are talking about how Sonia Sotomayor’s controversial speech in 2001 didn’t make a lot of news back then. Um, maybe that's because she wasn’t a Supreme Court nominee yet.
5. A new study says that eating curry once a week might keep people from developing Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately, some people only keep eating the curry if they forget how much it burns.
2. Scientists have been spending years analyzing Neil Armstrong’s speech patterns when he said his first words on the moon, and they have finally determined for certain that he did not say the letter “a”. Wow, this recession has left some people very unbusy. Can I have that job? Good to know we’ve got plenty of people working on that and not on trivial matters like global warming.
3. You know Casual Friday? The L.A. City Council is apparently going to start Really Casual Friday (i.e. city services will be closed every other Friday).
4. Some people in the media are talking about how Sonia Sotomayor’s controversial speech in 2001 didn’t make a lot of news back then. Um, maybe that's because she wasn’t a Supreme Court nominee yet.
5. A new study says that eating curry once a week might keep people from developing Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately, some people only keep eating the curry if they forget how much it burns.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
6/2
1. A new report says that reducing healthcare spending from 6% to 4.5% per year would have enormous benefits to the economy, mainly by getting rid of a lot of deadbeat seniors.
2. North Korea has chosen its next leader after Kim Jong Il. The latest reports indicate that it will be, hold on, it’s kind of hard to spell... Joey Rizzo… from Brooklyn. Apparently Mr. Rizzo dropped his business card in one of those glass bowls at a Korean restaurant. He didn’t even remember doing it until he got the news this morning. Rizzo already has a head start on not caring what the U.S. government says, since he has three unpaid parking tickets. Also like Kim Jong Il, Rizzo enjoys throwing trash in other peoples’ yards, and he’s already got the sunglasses and hairstyle down. Now, Kim Jong Il is known as Dear Leader, while his father is known as Great Leader. Rizzo has asked to be called Three Leader Engine.
3. Steven Spielberg says that until now, video games haven't made us cry. Speak for yourself. When I died at the end of Halo 3 after 20 straight hours of playing, I wept.
4. Ford says its sales are up 20% from last month, mainly because all those “Buy American” groups don’t have a lot of options anymore. “It’s either a Ford or a go-kart.”
5. Two dinosaur skulls were sold at an auction in New York yesterday. One was apparently bought by Jake Gallagher of Eugene, Oregon, who says if all else fails, he might move into the skull.
2. North Korea has chosen its next leader after Kim Jong Il. The latest reports indicate that it will be, hold on, it’s kind of hard to spell... Joey Rizzo… from Brooklyn. Apparently Mr. Rizzo dropped his business card in one of those glass bowls at a Korean restaurant. He didn’t even remember doing it until he got the news this morning. Rizzo already has a head start on not caring what the U.S. government says, since he has three unpaid parking tickets. Also like Kim Jong Il, Rizzo enjoys throwing trash in other peoples’ yards, and he’s already got the sunglasses and hairstyle down. Now, Kim Jong Il is known as Dear Leader, while his father is known as Great Leader. Rizzo has asked to be called Three Leader Engine.
3. Steven Spielberg says that until now, video games haven't made us cry. Speak for yourself. When I died at the end of Halo 3 after 20 straight hours of playing, I wept.
4. Ford says its sales are up 20% from last month, mainly because all those “Buy American” groups don’t have a lot of options anymore. “It’s either a Ford or a go-kart.”
5. Two dinosaur skulls were sold at an auction in New York yesterday. One was apparently bought by Jake Gallagher of Eugene, Oregon, who says if all else fails, he might move into the skull.
BEST OF THE WEEK
The prime minister of Italy insists that he has NOT had an affair with an underage girl and will resign if he turns out to be lying. I like that he feels he should be thrown out for lying, but not necessarily for the statutory rape.
Journalist Roxana Saberi has returned to Fargo, North Dakota after being released from prison in Iran. On a sad note, however, she now has to live in North Dakota.
President Obama has formed a cyberteam to protect the country against groups who disable our computers and make normal life impossible. The team’s first action is going to be to shut down Microsoft.
Did you hear about this baby in Illinois who was given a gun permit? The baby was apparently trying to defend himself from relentless stalkers who kept hiding and then emerging from behind their hands all day.
A new report says reducing healthcare spending from 6% per year to 4.5% would have enormous benefits to the economy, mainly by getting rid of a lot of deadbeat seniors.
Two years ago, a man in Britain was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so like most people, he went to a bookie. Every year he survives, he gets a payout. Maybe this is the answer to the health insurance crisis -- let Vegas run it. This reminds me of when I was 18 and bet on whether I would lose my virginity that year. And it’s been paying off ever since! Suckers!
Time Warner and AOL are now finally going to split. The head of Time Warner said that AOL can now fulfill its potential to be “a leading independent internet company”. Yeah, my girlfriend told me something like that just before she dumped me too. “I don’t think you can fulfill your potential in this relationship.”
Phil Spector will have to serve 19 years in prison before coming up for parole. However, his hair got life.
Journalist Roxana Saberi has returned to Fargo, North Dakota after being released from prison in Iran. On a sad note, however, she now has to live in North Dakota.
President Obama has formed a cyberteam to protect the country against groups who disable our computers and make normal life impossible. The team’s first action is going to be to shut down Microsoft.
Did you hear about this baby in Illinois who was given a gun permit? The baby was apparently trying to defend himself from relentless stalkers who kept hiding and then emerging from behind their hands all day.
A new report says reducing healthcare spending from 6% per year to 4.5% would have enormous benefits to the economy, mainly by getting rid of a lot of deadbeat seniors.
Two years ago, a man in Britain was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so like most people, he went to a bookie. Every year he survives, he gets a payout. Maybe this is the answer to the health insurance crisis -- let Vegas run it. This reminds me of when I was 18 and bet on whether I would lose my virginity that year. And it’s been paying off ever since! Suckers!
Time Warner and AOL are now finally going to split. The head of Time Warner said that AOL can now fulfill its potential to be “a leading independent internet company”. Yeah, my girlfriend told me something like that just before she dumped me too. “I don’t think you can fulfill your potential in this relationship.”
Phil Spector will have to serve 19 years in prison before coming up for parole. However, his hair got life.
Monday, June 1, 2009
6/1
1. Today, Dick Cheney admitted that Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Cheney is also still reeling from his recent discovery that Santa Claus isn‘t real. The former vice president first learned about Santa through nine-year-old Jonathan Green in Scottsdale, Arizona. At first, Cheney tried to correct the boy, but his wife put a hand on his shoulder and said: “Dick, we need to talk.” The Secret Service is still outraged that the Santa-spoiling kid wasn’t vetted for this sort of behavior earlier.
2. Did you hear about this bride who wrecked her wedding dress by rushing into a burning house to save a family? When Martha Stewart heard about it, she said: “That is no excuse. Discipline, discipline!”
3. Scientists say a pill made from tomatoes can prevent heart disease and strokes. Unfortunately, the pills might be contaminated with E.coli.
4. Dick Cheney said today that we need to keep Guantanamo Bay open, because if we didn’t keep suspected terrorists there, then we’d have to kill them. And he said: “We don’t operate that way.” Well, it’s good to know we have some sort of line! I didn’t think there was any line at all.
5. President Obama said today that the U.S. would not try to impose its values on other countries. Like they would take them these days.
2. Did you hear about this bride who wrecked her wedding dress by rushing into a burning house to save a family? When Martha Stewart heard about it, she said: “That is no excuse. Discipline, discipline!”
3. Scientists say a pill made from tomatoes can prevent heart disease and strokes. Unfortunately, the pills might be contaminated with E.coli.
4. Dick Cheney said today that we need to keep Guantanamo Bay open, because if we didn’t keep suspected terrorists there, then we’d have to kill them. And he said: “We don’t operate that way.” Well, it’s good to know we have some sort of line! I didn’t think there was any line at all.
5. President Obama said today that the U.S. would not try to impose its values on other countries. Like they would take them these days.
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