1. A survey in Britain found that the most popular free activity there is sex, while in Washington DC, it’s the most popular paid activity. The next most-popular free activity in the survey was window shopping. A similar survey was done in Amsterdam, but they don’t have separate categories for sex and window shopping.
2. The owners of a company in Illinois gave employees Christmas bonuses this year for as much as $35,000, splitting $6.6 million among 230 employees. The owners were then immediately thrown out ARNTWE [pronounced “Aren’t we?”], the Association of Ridiculously Nauseously Titillatingly Wealthy Executives. “You’re making the rest of us look bad!”
3. Many schools in Maryland are going to give kids the day off to go to Barack Obama’s inauguration, because that‘s the only way 95% of his staff could attend.
4. A new study says that antioxidants, which are supposed to clean up free radicals, don’t really stop the process of ageing. The study interviewed several older policemen who, back in the 60s, had cleaned up tons of hippies and other free radicals.
5. In Switzerland today, voters decided to let doctors prescribe heroin. In completely unrelated news, this year’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony will be held in Geneva.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
11/29
1. A new study shows that 25 percent of employees look at porn while at work. I am amazed that the percentage is so low. Going by the staff here at @@@, I thought it was at least 95%.
2. In Switzerland, people are voting on whether to allow doctors to prescribe an extremely addictive and dangerous substance, known as chocolate. No, it’s heroin. They would never legalize something as addictive as chocolate.
3. American tourists in Bangkok are still stranded because protesters have taken over two airports. Yes, how horrible for all those people to be stuck in a warm country with delicious food during the winter. I’d write more about how bad I feel for them, but I have to move forward in this unemployment line.
4. The Bush administration is working hard to pass a new rule that will make it harder to regulate hazards in the workplace, because after the big Obama win, they want to kill off as many workers as possible.
5. A café in Iowa is apparently seeing huge demand for a cookie that Barack Obama’s family loves. Obama is already improving the economy! We’re out of the recession! They are even getting orders from as far away as Mexico, because with the current economy, it‘s not worth the Mexicans’ time to cross the border. In fact, the cookies now make up 45% of American exports.
2. In Switzerland, people are voting on whether to allow doctors to prescribe an extremely addictive and dangerous substance, known as chocolate. No, it’s heroin. They would never legalize something as addictive as chocolate.
3. American tourists in Bangkok are still stranded because protesters have taken over two airports. Yes, how horrible for all those people to be stuck in a warm country with delicious food during the winter. I’d write more about how bad I feel for them, but I have to move forward in this unemployment line.
4. The Bush administration is working hard to pass a new rule that will make it harder to regulate hazards in the workplace, because after the big Obama win, they want to kill off as many workers as possible.
5. A café in Iowa is apparently seeing huge demand for a cookie that Barack Obama’s family loves. Obama is already improving the economy! We’re out of the recession! They are even getting orders from as far away as Mexico, because with the current economy, it‘s not worth the Mexicans’ time to cross the border. In fact, the cookies now make up 45% of American exports.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now Mowgli, as you may know, was the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who was LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.
Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers also called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.
A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.
The Obama daughters are still going to have chores in the White House. They have to make their own beds and keep their rooms clean. And every Sunday they have to visit Joe Biden and listen to his stories.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Barack Obama will be thankful that unlike most Americans, he knows he’s going to have a job.
A shopper in North Carolina attacked a car thief with a frozen turkey. Police are still unsure how the shopper was able to freeze and carry the entire movie “Four Christmases”. Fortunately, the shopper wasn’t armed with my Aunt Irene’s bread rolls, because he would have killed the guy.
Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.
The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.
Alan Colmes, the slightly left-leaning member of the Fox News show “Hannity and Colmes”, is leaving the show. Actually, he apparently left two months ago, but no one noticed.
The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.
Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.
Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers also called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.
A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.
The Obama daughters are still going to have chores in the White House. They have to make their own beds and keep their rooms clean. And every Sunday they have to visit Joe Biden and listen to his stories.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Barack Obama will be thankful that unlike most Americans, he knows he’s going to have a job.
A shopper in North Carolina attacked a car thief with a frozen turkey. Police are still unsure how the shopper was able to freeze and carry the entire movie “Four Christmases”. Fortunately, the shopper wasn’t armed with my Aunt Irene’s bread rolls, because he would have killed the guy.
Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.
The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.
Alan Colmes, the slightly left-leaning member of the Fox News show “Hannity and Colmes”, is leaving the show. Actually, he apparently left two months ago, but no one noticed.
The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.
Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.
11/26
1. In Japan, they’re having the first-ever play with robot actors. The lead role is being played by Eddie Murphy.
2. An actress in South Korea who cheated on her husband might go to jail for 18 months because adultery is illegal there. So this is why so many Korean baseball players are coming to America!
3. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Barack Obama will be thankful that unlike most Americans, he knows he’s going to have a job.
4. The Obama daughters are still going to have chores in the White House. They have to make their own beds and keep their rooms clean. And every Sunday they have to visit Joe Biden and listen to his stories.
5. The prime minister of Thailand has refused to resign, even though protesters have taken over the airport. It’s like when Bill Clinton refused to resign, even during the invasion of our nation’s airports by Starbucks. “I will not let the Frappuccino hordes determine the future of America!”
2. An actress in South Korea who cheated on her husband might go to jail for 18 months because adultery is illegal there. So this is why so many Korean baseball players are coming to America!
3. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Barack Obama will be thankful that unlike most Americans, he knows he’s going to have a job.
4. The Obama daughters are still going to have chores in the White House. They have to make their own beds and keep their rooms clean. And every Sunday they have to visit Joe Biden and listen to his stories.
5. The prime minister of Thailand has refused to resign, even though protesters have taken over the airport. It’s like when Bill Clinton refused to resign, even during the invasion of our nation’s airports by Starbucks. “I will not let the Frappuccino hordes determine the future of America!”
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
11/25
1. A shopper in North Carolina attacked a car thief with a frozen turkey. Police are still unsure how the shopper was able to freeze and carry the entire movie “Four Christmases”. Fortunately, the shopper wasn’t armed with my Aunt Irene’s bread rolls, because he would have killed the guy.
2. A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.
3. Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.
4. Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.
5. The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.
2. A new study says that dolphin tails can produce as much as 400 pounds of force, roughly equal to the strength of a teenage girl trying to get tickets for the movie “Twilight”.
3. Two men have been arrested for selling fake penises over the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But no, these penises were for passing drug tests. The fake penis was called, this is true, the Whizzinator. Now how did they think they were going to get away with this? They had a company, brand names, a website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers called themselves, again, this is true, “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine”. No, actually, I think that’s Mountain Dew.
4. Two men from India have been signed to play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As you might expect, they’re going to be relief pitchers -- the guys you call when you need help.
5. The government of China has called the new Guns N’ Roses album a “venomous attack”. Yes, in other words, it’s a Guns N’ Roses album.
Monday, November 24, 2008
11/24
1. Alan Colmes, the slightly left-leaning member of the Fox News show “Hannity and Colmes”, is leaving the show. Actually, he apparently left two months ago, but no one noticed.
2. Have you heard about this farm in Africa where wives can be fattened up? This is because a fat wife is a sign of high status there. And they’ve branched out to a new location near my house - it’s called “Cinnabon”.
3. A new study says that a bad boss can increase your risk of heart disease. Yeah, like my old boss was constantly on my case about eating healthier and exercising. He nagged me so much that the healthy food and exercise just balanced out the stress so I had a normal risk of heart disease.
4. A major Muslim charity in the United States has been found guilty of funding radical Islamic terrorists. But what got me is that the charity was based in Texas. I guess for them, all the right-wing anti-Muslim sentiment is outweighed by being in the heartland of crazy fundamentalist religions.
5. Today, President Bush issued 14 pardons, all of which were for the American people, who accepted the apologies.
2. Have you heard about this farm in Africa where wives can be fattened up? This is because a fat wife is a sign of high status there. And they’ve branched out to a new location near my house - it’s called “Cinnabon”.
3. A new study says that a bad boss can increase your risk of heart disease. Yeah, like my old boss was constantly on my case about eating healthier and exercising. He nagged me so much that the healthy food and exercise just balanced out the stress so I had a normal risk of heart disease.
4. A major Muslim charity in the United States has been found guilty of funding radical Islamic terrorists. But what got me is that the charity was based in Texas. I guess for them, all the right-wing anti-Muslim sentiment is outweighed by being in the heartland of crazy fundamentalist religions.
5. Today, President Bush issued 14 pardons, all of which were for the American people, who accepted the apologies.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
11/22
1. Malaysia has outlawed yoga for Muslims, because they don’t want them to be limber. Flexibility goes against the Koran. They are worried about women in spandex stretching their bodies. That might seem strange, until you think about your average yoga class. [Show images of spandex-wearing women doing yoga.] I don’t even let my seven-year-old kid watch yoga.
2. The Vatican newspaper has now forgiven John Lennon for saying that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. It follows on forgiving other people for being crazy radical “truth-tellers”, like Galileo and Darwin.
3. Astronauts at the International Space Station are still trying to fix a system that turns urine into drinking water. The system was built in China, where it’s simply called the drinking water system.
4. A new study says that exercise and sleep can help women not get cancer. Because if they’re getting plenty of sleep and exercising regularly, they’re probably not smoking.
5. A couple in Arkansas is suing McDonald’s because some employees posted nude photos of the wife online after finding them on a cell phone they left at a McDonald’s restaurant. Now normally, it would seem ridiculous to sue the company, since it had nothing to do with it, but there was this section in the employee manual. [Show fake “manual” section that contains a clause reading: “All nude photos found on the premises of any McDonald’s must be sent to the executives at McDonald’s headquarters for analysis.”]
2. The Vatican newspaper has now forgiven John Lennon for saying that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. It follows on forgiving other people for being crazy radical “truth-tellers”, like Galileo and Darwin.
3. Astronauts at the International Space Station are still trying to fix a system that turns urine into drinking water. The system was built in China, where it’s simply called the drinking water system.
4. A new study says that exercise and sleep can help women not get cancer. Because if they’re getting plenty of sleep and exercising regularly, they’re probably not smoking.
5. A couple in Arkansas is suing McDonald’s because some employees posted nude photos of the wife online after finding them on a cell phone they left at a McDonald’s restaurant. Now normally, it would seem ridiculous to sue the company, since it had nothing to do with it, but there was this section in the employee manual. [Show fake “manual” section that contains a clause reading: “All nude photos found on the premises of any McDonald’s must be sent to the executives at McDonald’s headquarters for analysis.”]
Friday, November 21, 2008
11/21
1. Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now Mowgli, as you may know, was the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who was LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.
2. The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.
3. A new intelligence report by the government says that the United States’ global dominance will diminish in the next two decades. Of course, this follows intelligence reports that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, North Korea didn’t have nuclear weapons, and the Soviet Union was doing [okay sign] juuust fiiine the day before it completely collapsed. So maybe they’re trying to use reverse psychology.
4. Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.
5. The body of Copernicus, who first proposed that the Earth goes around the Sun, has been discovered. Historians believe that he was murdered by some ancient leader named Saranus Palinus.
2. The CEOs of the Big Three automakers have been criticized for using private jets while asking for bailouts. They say they only used the jets for “safety”, because if they traveled with the rest of us, too many people would try to kill them.
3. A new intelligence report by the government says that the United States’ global dominance will diminish in the next two decades. Of course, this follows intelligence reports that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, North Korea didn’t have nuclear weapons, and the Soviet Union was doing [okay sign] juuust fiiine the day before it completely collapsed. So maybe they’re trying to use reverse psychology.
4. Scientists say that mysterious tracks deep on the ocean floor were made by a single-celled organism. Until now, the tracks were believed to be from bankers looking for any more people to give subprime loans.
5. The body of Copernicus, who first proposed that the Earth goes around the Sun, has been discovered. Historians believe that he was murdered by some ancient leader named Saranus Palinus.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Joe the Plumber is going to write a book about all of his ideas. Well, technically, it’s more of a pamphlet. And the publisher says the book will be available on December 1st! That’s only 11 days away! Apparently he’s changing his name to Joe the Typist. Maybe he can call it “I’ll Be at Your House Between Two and Four, Because I’m Having an Autograph Party”.
Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.
Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.
The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of a shortage of activity, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance!
There are rumors that a little-known Beatles song might be released, called “Carnival of Light”. But that’s not all. Some Beatles experts are very excited about a cassette in George Harrison’s boxes titled “Dolby 3X-TM”. One person who listened to it said that it was an incredible 60-minute minimalist epic, featuring a sparse but beautiful series of pops and crackles. Plus, at minute 43:10, there’s a wonderful surreal moment where Harrison jokingly says: “Well, what the bloody hell ARE we going to do with the real Paul’s body?”
Prices for the top wines around the world have fallen dramatically. For example, cases that used to cost $16,000 are now available for just $12,000. Well, isn’t that good to know! “Hey, honey! Remember how we couldn’t buy a case of that wine even if we sold our car? Now we can!”
A French court said that a marriage cannot be annulled because the wife lied about her previous sexual partners. And wives around the world gave a collective “Whew!”
Scientists have now been able to selectively wipe out unpleasant memories in mice. The scientists say that they were able to do it without damaging the mice’s brains. Yeah, except for WIPING OUT THEIR MEMORIES! I think I would classify that under “damage”. No, actually, I think I would classify that somewhere between “Robocop” and an Orwellian freaking nightmare.
Yesterday, the Indian navy sunk a Somali pirate ship. What, are we outsourcing this too?
Russian president Dmitry Medvedev says he hopes Barack Obama will repair ties with his country. Yes, because why wouldn’t a left-leaning interracial president feel warm towards a fascist-leaning race-baiting proto-dictatorship?
President Bush is trying to make it easier for mining companies to dig on land with endangered species. For example, mining companies won’t have to ask permission before digging under the home of a Republican politician.
A new study says that spam e-mailers make a profit even though they only get one response for every 12.5 million e-mails. So the other 12.5 million of us need to find that person – and kill him.
Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.
Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.
The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of a shortage of activity, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance!
There are rumors that a little-known Beatles song might be released, called “Carnival of Light”. But that’s not all. Some Beatles experts are very excited about a cassette in George Harrison’s boxes titled “Dolby 3X-TM”. One person who listened to it said that it was an incredible 60-minute minimalist epic, featuring a sparse but beautiful series of pops and crackles. Plus, at minute 43:10, there’s a wonderful surreal moment where Harrison jokingly says: “Well, what the bloody hell ARE we going to do with the real Paul’s body?”
Prices for the top wines around the world have fallen dramatically. For example, cases that used to cost $16,000 are now available for just $12,000. Well, isn’t that good to know! “Hey, honey! Remember how we couldn’t buy a case of that wine even if we sold our car? Now we can!”
A French court said that a marriage cannot be annulled because the wife lied about her previous sexual partners. And wives around the world gave a collective “Whew!”
Scientists have now been able to selectively wipe out unpleasant memories in mice. The scientists say that they were able to do it without damaging the mice’s brains. Yeah, except for WIPING OUT THEIR MEMORIES! I think I would classify that under “damage”. No, actually, I think I would classify that somewhere between “Robocop” and an Orwellian freaking nightmare.
Yesterday, the Indian navy sunk a Somali pirate ship. What, are we outsourcing this too?
Russian president Dmitry Medvedev says he hopes Barack Obama will repair ties with his country. Yes, because why wouldn’t a left-leaning interracial president feel warm towards a fascist-leaning race-baiting proto-dictatorship?
President Bush is trying to make it easier for mining companies to dig on land with endangered species. For example, mining companies won’t have to ask permission before digging under the home of a Republican politician.
A new study says that spam e-mailers make a profit even though they only get one response for every 12.5 million e-mails. So the other 12.5 million of us need to find that person – and kill him.
11/20
1. President Bush is trying to make it easier for mining companies to dig on land with endangered species. For example, mining companies won’t have to ask permission before digging under the home of a Republican politician.
2. The CEOs of the Big Three auto companies went to Washington today to ask for a bailout, and they flew in private jets. Even they aren’t using their cars. Why do they expect us to buy them?
3. Joe the Plumber is going to write a book about his ideas. Or, well, I suppose it’s more of a pamphlet or business card. And the publisher says the book will be available on December 1st. That’s only 11 days away! Apparently he’s changing his name to Joe the Typist. Does he have any time for plumbing anymore? Maybe he can call it “I’ll Be at Your House Between Two and Four, Because I’m Having an Autograph Party”. The book will be co-written by Thomas Tabback, who also wrote a novel called “Things Forgotten”, which is about forgotten things like this. [Show quote of Wurzelbacher saying that he would never “cash in” with a book deal.]
4. Janet Napolitano, the governor of Arizona, is probably going to be in charge of Homeland Security under Barack Obama. Napolitano. Do we really want someone with a built-in Napoleon Complex?
5. Have you heard about this Czech model who doesn’t have a belly button? You know who else doesn’t have a belly button? Barack Obama – because he descended from Heaven.
2. The CEOs of the Big Three auto companies went to Washington today to ask for a bailout, and they flew in private jets. Even they aren’t using their cars. Why do they expect us to buy them?
3. Joe the Plumber is going to write a book about his ideas. Or, well, I suppose it’s more of a pamphlet or business card. And the publisher says the book will be available on December 1st. That’s only 11 days away! Apparently he’s changing his name to Joe the Typist. Does he have any time for plumbing anymore? Maybe he can call it “I’ll Be at Your House Between Two and Four, Because I’m Having an Autograph Party”. The book will be co-written by Thomas Tabback, who also wrote a novel called “Things Forgotten”, which is about forgotten things like this. [Show quote of Wurzelbacher saying that he would never “cash in” with a book deal.]
4. Janet Napolitano, the governor of Arizona, is probably going to be in charge of Homeland Security under Barack Obama. Napolitano. Do we really want someone with a built-in Napoleon Complex?
5. Have you heard about this Czech model who doesn’t have a belly button? You know who else doesn’t have a belly button? Barack Obama – because he descended from Heaven.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
11/19
1. Yesterday, the Indian navy sunk a Somali pirate ship. What, are we outsourcing this too?
2. Scientists have now mapped the gene sequence of a woolly mammoth. They identified him as a former stand-up comedian living near Los Angeles. No, wait, that’s Robin Williams. Different woolly mammoth.
3. The army apparently released a doctored photo of a general yesterday. Can we see the original photo? [Show general’s photo with the bookshelf background.] Now show the doctored photo. [Show photo with @@@’s head on the body.] I don’t know how they thought they would get away with that.
4. Tom Daschle, the former Senate majority leader who lost the Senate to the Republicans, has been picked by Barack Obama as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Hopefully he’ll be better at the health of human beings than the health of political parties.
5. Lance Armstrong said that he is afraid for his safety when bicycling in the Tour de France. He feels that French spectators might attack him on the road because they say he uses illegal drugs. Man, that is definitely not New York City. I have never heard a New Yorker say: “What?! That guy is on illegal drugs? Let’s attack him!” Usually it’s the other way around. And is it smart to attack a guy because you think he’s using steroids? This is a different type of roid rage.
2. Scientists have now mapped the gene sequence of a woolly mammoth. They identified him as a former stand-up comedian living near Los Angeles. No, wait, that’s Robin Williams. Different woolly mammoth.
3. The army apparently released a doctored photo of a general yesterday. Can we see the original photo? [Show general’s photo with the bookshelf background.] Now show the doctored photo. [Show photo with @@@’s head on the body.] I don’t know how they thought they would get away with that.
4. Tom Daschle, the former Senate majority leader who lost the Senate to the Republicans, has been picked by Barack Obama as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Hopefully he’ll be better at the health of human beings than the health of political parties.
5. Lance Armstrong said that he is afraid for his safety when bicycling in the Tour de France. He feels that French spectators might attack him on the road because they say he uses illegal drugs. Man, that is definitely not New York City. I have never heard a New Yorker say: “What?! That guy is on illegal drugs? Let’s attack him!” Usually it’s the other way around. And is it smart to attack a guy because you think he’s using steroids? This is a different type of roid rage.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
11/18
1. The military has developed a new camera that can be shot out of a grenade launcher. My dad might have been interested in that. “[female voice] Honey, call the kids over for a photo.” “[male voice] No need!” [Mime shouldering a bazooka.]
2. Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.
3. Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.
4. The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of shortages of sailors, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance! [Wave to studio audience.] C’mon everyone! Let’s go invade Australia after the show!
5. Almost half of primary-care doctors say they want to see fewer patients or even stop practicing entirely, and a big reason is frustration with insurance companies. I think this is actually what the insurance companies want. The ideal situation for them is everyone has to buy insurance, but there aren’t any doctors to see anymore.
2. Pirates from Somalia have now taken a Saudi oil tanker. Of course, no one with any ethics would think of buying oil from pirates, so the first guys to contact them were from Exxon.
3. Today, in the spirit of bipartisanship and healing, Senator Joe Lieberman is going to get his official punishment for supporting John McCain from Democratic members of the Sorority, um, I mean the Senate. “Because, oh my god! He’s friends with that icky old guy from the Delta Tau Chis!” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says Lieberman might not even be allowed to come to the weekly “Gossip Girl” party anymore.
4. The Australian navy is going to get two months off for Christmas. Not because of shortages of sailors, but just because that’s how long they’re hungover. So if you’ve ever thought about invading Australia, now’s your chance! [Wave to studio audience.] C’mon everyone! Let’s go invade Australia after the show!
5. Almost half of primary-care doctors say they want to see fewer patients or even stop practicing entirely, and a big reason is frustration with insurance companies. I think this is actually what the insurance companies want. The ideal situation for them is everyone has to buy insurance, but there aren’t any doctors to see anymore.
Monday, November 17, 2008
11/17
1. There are rumors that a little-known Beatles song might be released, called “Carnival of Light”. But that’s not all. Some Beatles experts are very excited about a cassette in George Harrison’s boxes titled “Dolby 3X-TM”. One person who listened to it said that it was an incredible 60-minute minimalist epic, featuring a sparse but beautiful series of pops and crackles. Plus, at minute 43:10, there’s a wonderful surreal moment where Harrison jokingly says: “Well, what the bloody hell ARE we going to do with the real Paul’s body?”
2. Prices for the top wines around the world have fallen dramatically. For example, cases that used to cost $16,000 are now available for just $12,000. Well, isn’t that good to know! “Hey, honey! Remember how we couldn’t buy a case of that wine even if we sold our car? Now we can!”
3. A French court said that a marriage cannot be annulled because the wife lied about her previous sexual partners. And wives around the world gave a collective “Whew!”
4. Because of rules about transparent communication, Barack Obama may not be allowed to use e-mail after he becomes president. That will mean the unfortunate end of his personal emoticon. [Show typical smiley face emoticon, but with big parentheses on both sides for his ears.]
5. A lot of people are talking about Hillary Clinton becoming Secretary of State. But I don’t know if she’d be happy in any situation where she’s Obama’s secretary.
2. Prices for the top wines around the world have fallen dramatically. For example, cases that used to cost $16,000 are now available for just $12,000. Well, isn’t that good to know! “Hey, honey! Remember how we couldn’t buy a case of that wine even if we sold our car? Now we can!”
3. A French court said that a marriage cannot be annulled because the wife lied about her previous sexual partners. And wives around the world gave a collective “Whew!”
4. Because of rules about transparent communication, Barack Obama may not be allowed to use e-mail after he becomes president. That will mean the unfortunate end of his personal emoticon. [Show typical smiley face emoticon, but with big parentheses on both sides for his ears.]
5. A lot of people are talking about Hillary Clinton becoming Secretary of State. But I don’t know if she’d be happy in any situation where she’s Obama’s secretary.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
11/15
1. Scientists have now been able to selectively wipe out unpleasant memories in mice. The scientists say that they were able to do it without damaging the mice’s brains. Yeah, except for WIPING OUT THEIR MEMORIES! I think I would classify that under “damage”. No, actually, I think I would classify that somewhere between “Robocop” and an Orwellian freaking nightmare.
2. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev says he hopes Barack Obama will repair ties with his country. Yes, because why wouldn’t a left-leaning interracial president feel warm towards a fascist-leaning race-baiting proto-dictatorship?
3. The Croatian government has banned Christmas celebrations, and Bill O’Reilly’s crack team of commandos in the War on Christmas immediately redeployed from just outside the New York Times.
4. The world’s wealthiest nations had an enormous summit in which they pledged to “restore growth”. And in similar news, McDonald’s pledged to “sell hamburgers”.
5. Mexico City is going to offer free Viagra to elderly men, because if there’s anything Mexico City needs, its more people. So if you thought cheap black market Viagra was big now.
2. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev says he hopes Barack Obama will repair ties with his country. Yes, because why wouldn’t a left-leaning interracial president feel warm towards a fascist-leaning race-baiting proto-dictatorship?
3. The Croatian government has banned Christmas celebrations, and Bill O’Reilly’s crack team of commandos in the War on Christmas immediately redeployed from just outside the New York Times.
4. The world’s wealthiest nations had an enormous summit in which they pledged to “restore growth”. And in similar news, McDonald’s pledged to “sell hamburgers”.
5. Mexico City is going to offer free Viagra to elderly men, because if there’s anything Mexico City needs, its more people. So if you thought cheap black market Viagra was big now.
Friday, November 14, 2008
11/14
1. A new study says that spam e-mailers make a profit even though they only get one response for every 12.5 million e-mails. So the other 12.5 million of us need to find that person – and kill him.
2. An Indian space probe has now landed on the Moon. Man, they are really serious about outsourcing. When they had mechanical trouble, they called a help center in the U.S.
3. In Mexico, scientists have succeeded in turning tequila into diamonds. There was an immediate outcry from many Mexicans. ‘That is perfectly good tequila!” The reason it can only be done with tequila is the worm.
4. Today, Michael Jackson lost ownership of Neverland Ranch. You know, he started out as Peter Pan, but now he looks more like Captain Hook.
5. Yesterday, thieves in Russia stole an entire church. The congregation soon got a sympathy card from an organization of moderate Republicans.
2. An Indian space probe has now landed on the Moon. Man, they are really serious about outsourcing. When they had mechanical trouble, they called a help center in the U.S.
3. In Mexico, scientists have succeeded in turning tequila into diamonds. There was an immediate outcry from many Mexicans. ‘That is perfectly good tequila!” The reason it can only be done with tequila is the worm.
4. Today, Michael Jackson lost ownership of Neverland Ranch. You know, he started out as Peter Pan, but now he looks more like Captain Hook.
5. Yesterday, thieves in Russia stole an entire church. The congregation soon got a sympathy card from an organization of moderate Republicans.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Nigeria’s only satellite has been taken offline. As you may know, the Nigerian satellite was originally launched to help distribute e-mails around the world. The program ran out of money when an amazing business deal with the wife of an ex-general mysteriously fell through.
There was a huge earthquake drill in Southern California. However, Pat Robertson said it could be canceled, because God will leave California alone now that it’s banned gay marriage.
A new study says that green spaces can improve people’s health. Unless they’re between your teeth.
Barack Obama took his first tour of the White House today. He said that one major change he plans is to make a children’s playroom out of Dick Cheney’s dungeon.
“Dancing With the Stars” is now the most popular TV program in the world. It narrowly beat out the program that has been the highest rated in the world for nearly 40 years: “Older Man in Suit Droning on About Something”. Every single country in the world has a local format of that show.
Scientists have discovered that sponges, the animals in the ocean, have a very efficient fiber optic cable system. Well, that puts them one step above Time Warner Cable.
Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is going to be Renegade. Hmm, is that a play on “maverick”?
There was an MSNBC poll to name the Obama family’s new puppy, and the top choice was Hope. However, Republicans apparently voted too, because the second most popular choice was, this is completely true -- Lucky.
Sarah Palin said that she wouldn’t hesitate to run for president if it was God’s will. Yes, if would be the will, because if that happens, God is dead.
Next week, Obama starts receiving the Presidential Daily Brief, which is the same intelligence report that Bush gets. Already, the White House has begun designing a non-pop-up version.
Germany is now officially in a recession. Not to be confused with the German depression, which has been going on for about 2,000 years. Germany -- the nation that invented the Prozac hose.
President Bush said today, and I quote, that when he leaves office, he’s going to go “from 100 miles per hour to zero“. Now, do you really want to bring up reckless driving? And I think it’ll more like zero miles per hour to zero.
There was a huge earthquake drill in Southern California. However, Pat Robertson said it could be canceled, because God will leave California alone now that it’s banned gay marriage.
A new study says that green spaces can improve people’s health. Unless they’re between your teeth.
Barack Obama took his first tour of the White House today. He said that one major change he plans is to make a children’s playroom out of Dick Cheney’s dungeon.
“Dancing With the Stars” is now the most popular TV program in the world. It narrowly beat out the program that has been the highest rated in the world for nearly 40 years: “Older Man in Suit Droning on About Something”. Every single country in the world has a local format of that show.
Scientists have discovered that sponges, the animals in the ocean, have a very efficient fiber optic cable system. Well, that puts them one step above Time Warner Cable.
Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is going to be Renegade. Hmm, is that a play on “maverick”?
There was an MSNBC poll to name the Obama family’s new puppy, and the top choice was Hope. However, Republicans apparently voted too, because the second most popular choice was, this is completely true -- Lucky.
Sarah Palin said that she wouldn’t hesitate to run for president if it was God’s will. Yes, if would be the will, because if that happens, God is dead.
Next week, Obama starts receiving the Presidential Daily Brief, which is the same intelligence report that Bush gets. Already, the White House has begun designing a non-pop-up version.
Germany is now officially in a recession. Not to be confused with the German depression, which has been going on for about 2,000 years. Germany -- the nation that invented the Prozac hose.
President Bush said today, and I quote, that when he leaves office, he’s going to go “from 100 miles per hour to zero“. Now, do you really want to bring up reckless driving? And I think it’ll more like zero miles per hour to zero.
11/13
1. Nigeria’s only satellite has been taken offline. As you may know, the Nigerian satellite was originally launched to help distribute e-mails around the world. The program ran out of money when an amazing business deal with the wife of an ex-general mysteriously fell through.
2. There was a huge earthquake drill in Southern California. However, Pat Robertson said it could be canceled, because God will leave California alone now that it’s banned gay marriage.
3. Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is going to be Renegade. Hmm, is that a play on “maverick”?
4. Yesterday in Canada, a man was released from prison because he was too fat for his jail cell. And today, Alaskan senator Ted Stevens started going to buffets.
5. Germany is now officially in a recession. Not to be confused with the German depression, which has been going on for about 2,000 years. Germany -- the nation that invented the Prozac hose.
2. There was a huge earthquake drill in Southern California. However, Pat Robertson said it could be canceled, because God will leave California alone now that it’s banned gay marriage.
3. Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is going to be Renegade. Hmm, is that a play on “maverick”?
4. Yesterday in Canada, a man was released from prison because he was too fat for his jail cell. And today, Alaskan senator Ted Stevens started going to buffets.
5. Germany is now officially in a recession. Not to be confused with the German depression, which has been going on for about 2,000 years. Germany -- the nation that invented the Prozac hose.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
11/12
1. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen said today that the $700 billion financial bailout is working. In response, traders sent stocks down to one of their lowest levels so far. Man, I’d hate to see things if it wasn’t working!
2. A chimpanzee in Florida has adopted two tiger cubs. Through sign language, the chimp says that she was inspired by Barack Obama. He’s even inspiring other species!
3. Google is now tracking the spread of the flu. They do it by secretly inserting a camera into the nose of every American. There are a few worries about privacy laws, though. They put the “us” into “mucus”.
4. A man in Florida tried to steal Communion wafers at a church yesterday. He apparently thought they were Necco wafers.
5. A new pyramid has been discovered in the Egyptian desert. There is no top, though. Only the base is left. Researchers think that it’s probably already been thoroughly robbed. That sounds like my hair. I can relate. And my brains were plundered long ago. Not that they would have been worth much.
2. A chimpanzee in Florida has adopted two tiger cubs. Through sign language, the chimp says that she was inspired by Barack Obama. He’s even inspiring other species!
3. Google is now tracking the spread of the flu. They do it by secretly inserting a camera into the nose of every American. There are a few worries about privacy laws, though. They put the “us” into “mucus”.
4. A man in Florida tried to steal Communion wafers at a church yesterday. He apparently thought they were Necco wafers.
5. A new pyramid has been discovered in the Egyptian desert. There is no top, though. Only the base is left. Researchers think that it’s probably already been thoroughly robbed. That sounds like my hair. I can relate. And my brains were plundered long ago. Not that they would have been worth much.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
11/11
1. President Bush said today, and I quote, that when he leaves office, he’s going to go “from 100 miles per hour to zero“. Now, do you really want to bring up reckless driving? And I think it’ll more like zero miles per hour to zero.
2. There was an MSNBC poll to name the Obama family’s new puppy, and the top choice was Hope. However, Republicans apparently voted too, because the second most popular choice was, this is completely true -- Lucky.
3. Sarah Palin said that she wouldn’t hesitate to run for president if it was God’s will. Yes, if would be the will, because if that happens, God is dead.
4. An analyst said the current view of General Motors is “not pretty”. [Wave hand.] Especially with all those SUVs. Cough.
5. People have been selling tickets to Obama’s inauguration, even though they’re not available yet. And will be free. Well, as Wall Street shows, there’s no trouble selling something that doesn’t exist.
2. There was an MSNBC poll to name the Obama family’s new puppy, and the top choice was Hope. However, Republicans apparently voted too, because the second most popular choice was, this is completely true -- Lucky.
3. Sarah Palin said that she wouldn’t hesitate to run for president if it was God’s will. Yes, if would be the will, because if that happens, God is dead.
4. An analyst said the current view of General Motors is “not pretty”. [Wave hand.] Especially with all those SUVs. Cough.
5. People have been selling tickets to Obama’s inauguration, even though they’re not available yet. And will be free. Well, as Wall Street shows, there’s no trouble selling something that doesn’t exist.
Monday, November 10, 2008
11/10
1. Starbucks reported that its profits are way down this year, because with the current economy, no one needs caffeine to stay awake.
2. Barack Obama took his first tour of the White House today. He said that one major change he plans is to make a children’s playroom out of Dick Cheney’s dungeon.
3. “Dancing With the Stars” is now the most popular TV program in the world. It narrowly beat out the program that has been the highest rated in the world for nearly 40 years: “Older Man in Suit Droning on About Something”. Every single country in the world has a local format of that show.
4. Breast feeding apparently helps your lungs get stronger. “Hey baby, I’m not a player. I just have asthma.”
5. Scientists have discovered that sponges, the animals in the ocean, have a very efficient fiber optic cable system. Well, that puts them one step above Time Warner Cable.
2. Barack Obama took his first tour of the White House today. He said that one major change he plans is to make a children’s playroom out of Dick Cheney’s dungeon.
3. “Dancing With the Stars” is now the most popular TV program in the world. It narrowly beat out the program that has been the highest rated in the world for nearly 40 years: “Older Man in Suit Droning on About Something”. Every single country in the world has a local format of that show.
4. Breast feeding apparently helps your lungs get stronger. “Hey baby, I’m not a player. I just have asthma.”
5. Scientists have discovered that sponges, the animals in the ocean, have a very efficient fiber optic cable system. Well, that puts them one step above Time Warner Cable.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
11/8
1. For the first time, a satellite from India is orbiting the moon. Because that’s what’s been holding them back all these years! It’s not rampant illiteracy, corrupt police, and environmental devastation. No, they don’t know enough about the moon! Actually, if you’ve ever been to Bombay, you might think the moon is a nicer place to live, since even without oxygen, the air is more breathable.
2. Now that they have so much more power, Democrats in the Senate are trying to officially punish Senator Joe Lieberman for not following lockstep with the Democratic Party line. Ah, so good to see the Democrats learning from Karl Rove. So now Lieberman is thinking of joining the Republicans. Way to go, Harry Reid!
3. Anonymous Republican aides have leaked some very damaging information about Sarah Palin, and in response, Palin called them jerks. Anonymous leaks? Bitter infighting? What are the Republicans becoming - Democrats?
4. The government now says that attacks on the websites of John McCain and Barack Obama came from China. The website responded to what looked like normal e-mails, but which were actually contaminated with lead.
5. A prominent judge has warned that young people today might not be able to serve on juries, because they’re too used to reading online instead of listening for long stretches. That’s right! These kids need to be watching more TV! Enough of all this reading!
2. Now that they have so much more power, Democrats in the Senate are trying to officially punish Senator Joe Lieberman for not following lockstep with the Democratic Party line. Ah, so good to see the Democrats learning from Karl Rove. So now Lieberman is thinking of joining the Republicans. Way to go, Harry Reid!
3. Anonymous Republican aides have leaked some very damaging information about Sarah Palin, and in response, Palin called them jerks. Anonymous leaks? Bitter infighting? What are the Republicans becoming - Democrats?
4. The government now says that attacks on the websites of John McCain and Barack Obama came from China. The website responded to what looked like normal e-mails, but which were actually contaminated with lead.
5. A prominent judge has warned that young people today might not be able to serve on juries, because they’re too used to reading online instead of listening for long stretches. That’s right! These kids need to be watching more TV! Enough of all this reading!
Friday, November 7, 2008
11/7
1. Next week, Obama starts receiving the Presidential Daily Brief, which is the same intelligence report that Bush gets. Already, the White House has begun designing a non-pop-up version.
2. There have been rumors that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is, in fact, ill. Il is ill. So North Korea released a photo of Kim with some troops, but the photo was apparently doctored. One of the clues was that his shadow was different from the troops. But actually, things of pure evil do cast different shadows from the rest of us, as can be seen from this photo. [Show picture of people around a sign reading “Time Warner Cable” and the sign casts a different shadow.]
3. So a big question now is: “What is the White House pet going to be?” I guess we can eliminate the Chihuahua. [Show picture of a Chihuahua next to one of Obama, with the ears of both prominent.]
4. A new study says that green spaces can improve people’s health. Unless they’re between your teeth.
5. The jobless rate is at its highest since 1994, which, of course, was when the Rolling Stones cancelled a tour. Roadies were literally all over the street.
2. There have been rumors that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is, in fact, ill. Il is ill. So North Korea released a photo of Kim with some troops, but the photo was apparently doctored. One of the clues was that his shadow was different from the troops. But actually, things of pure evil do cast different shadows from the rest of us, as can be seen from this photo. [Show picture of people around a sign reading “Time Warner Cable” and the sign casts a different shadow.]
3. So a big question now is: “What is the White House pet going to be?” I guess we can eliminate the Chihuahua. [Show picture of a Chihuahua next to one of Obama, with the ears of both prominent.]
4. A new study says that green spaces can improve people’s health. Unless they’re between your teeth.
5. The jobless rate is at its highest since 1994, which, of course, was when the Rolling Stones cancelled a tour. Roadies were literally all over the street.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Barack Obama traveled to Chicago to cast his vote at home, but Joe Biden broke that tradition by choosing to remain on Planet Earth.
A new study says that pregnant women should stay away from coffee. It keeps them awake, jittery, irritable, and having to urinate a lot. Basically, it makes them feel like they’re pregnant.
A pizza company in New Zealand got into trouble for showing dead celebrities dancing on graves. The problem came when President Bush complained that he was still alive. Do you remember when Bush first got elected, how everyone was upset about all the vacations he was taking? Now we’re like: “Are you still here? Go on! Take as much vacation as you want!”
[On Election Day] Big lines in my neighborhood this morning. And that was just at the new frozen yogurt shop. I think the real question this year is: “How much frozen yogurt can one nation consume?” And inside, all these frozen yogurt places look like weird futuristic laboratories, don’t they? Like there’s some guy in the back going: [rub hands and use mad scientist voice] “They call me insane, but I will freeze yogurt. And I will put fruit on top, instead of on the bottom. And I will make people sit in hard plastic chairs. I will borrow them from my mad cousin, who runs Dunkin Donuts.”
This weekend is the opening of the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”, or as it’s called in the Italian government: “Auditions”.
Did you see Anderson Cooper doing an interview with a hologram last night? It was like CNN was jealous of all the Obama campaign money. “Oh yeah? Well we’ve got holograms.” Cooper interviewed Will I. Am from the Black Eyed Peas, who was surrounded by a thick purple haze, though that didn’t have anything to do with the hologram. Maybe they picked him because it rhymed: “Will I. Am via Hologram”.
President Bush has promised a smooth transition of power between him and Obama. Well, that’s nice, considering we’re a 232-year-old democracy. Thanks for the promise to not begin a dictatorship.
Political parties have been doing some dirty tricks recently to lower the popularity of candidates. For example, the Democrats have been tricking Bush into going to John McCain rallies.
There have been a lot of rumors about whether North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead or alive, so North Korea released a picture of him watching a soccer match. The picture didn’t show any other spectators, though, so maybe it was actually an American soccer match.
So I assume you’ve all heard about the amazing election results last night, huh? Raymond L. Bruce! New York Supreme Court! Man, I didn’t think Bruce was going to win it. And when he did, the joy I saw on the streets.
A new study says that pregnant women should stay away from coffee. It keeps them awake, jittery, irritable, and having to urinate a lot. Basically, it makes them feel like they’re pregnant.
A pizza company in New Zealand got into trouble for showing dead celebrities dancing on graves. The problem came when President Bush complained that he was still alive. Do you remember when Bush first got elected, how everyone was upset about all the vacations he was taking? Now we’re like: “Are you still here? Go on! Take as much vacation as you want!”
[On Election Day] Big lines in my neighborhood this morning. And that was just at the new frozen yogurt shop. I think the real question this year is: “How much frozen yogurt can one nation consume?” And inside, all these frozen yogurt places look like weird futuristic laboratories, don’t they? Like there’s some guy in the back going: [rub hands and use mad scientist voice] “They call me insane, but I will freeze yogurt. And I will put fruit on top, instead of on the bottom. And I will make people sit in hard plastic chairs. I will borrow them from my mad cousin, who runs Dunkin Donuts.”
This weekend is the opening of the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”, or as it’s called in the Italian government: “Auditions”.
Did you see Anderson Cooper doing an interview with a hologram last night? It was like CNN was jealous of all the Obama campaign money. “Oh yeah? Well we’ve got holograms.” Cooper interviewed Will I. Am from the Black Eyed Peas, who was surrounded by a thick purple haze, though that didn’t have anything to do with the hologram. Maybe they picked him because it rhymed: “Will I. Am via Hologram”.
President Bush has promised a smooth transition of power between him and Obama. Well, that’s nice, considering we’re a 232-year-old democracy. Thanks for the promise to not begin a dictatorship.
Political parties have been doing some dirty tricks recently to lower the popularity of candidates. For example, the Democrats have been tricking Bush into going to John McCain rallies.
There have been a lot of rumors about whether North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead or alive, so North Korea released a picture of him watching a soccer match. The picture didn’t show any other spectators, though, so maybe it was actually an American soccer match.
So I assume you’ve all heard about the amazing election results last night, huh? Raymond L. Bruce! New York Supreme Court! Man, I didn’t think Bruce was going to win it. And when he did, the joy I saw on the streets.
11/5
1. So I assume you’ve all heard about the amazing election results last night, huh? Raymond L. Bruce! New York Supreme Court! Man, I didn’t think Bruce was going to win it. And when he did, the joy I saw on the streets.
2. Did you see Anderson Cooper doing an interview with a hologram last night? It was like CNN was jealous of all the Obama campaign money. “Oh yeah? Well we’ve got holograms.” Cooper interviewed Will I. Am from the Black Eyed Peas, who was surrounded by a thick purple haze, though that didn’t have anything to do with the hologram. Maybe they picked him because it rhymed: “Will I. Am via Hologram”.
3. This morning, President Bush said about the election that “history was made yesterday.” Then he added, “Despite my best efforts to stop it.”
4. President Bush has promised a smooth transition of power between him and Obama. Well, that’s nice, considering we’re a 232-year-old democracy. Thanks for the promise to not begin a dictatorship.
5. However, the election was a major blow to one group in this country: Elderly Americans. When will they finally see one of their own in the White House?
2. Did you see Anderson Cooper doing an interview with a hologram last night? It was like CNN was jealous of all the Obama campaign money. “Oh yeah? Well we’ve got holograms.” Cooper interviewed Will I. Am from the Black Eyed Peas, who was surrounded by a thick purple haze, though that didn’t have anything to do with the hologram. Maybe they picked him because it rhymed: “Will I. Am via Hologram”.
3. This morning, President Bush said about the election that “history was made yesterday.” Then he added, “Despite my best efforts to stop it.”
4. President Bush has promised a smooth transition of power between him and Obama. Well, that’s nice, considering we’re a 232-year-old democracy. Thanks for the promise to not begin a dictatorship.
5. However, the election was a major blow to one group in this country: Elderly Americans. When will they finally see one of their own in the White House?
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
11/4
1. [On Election Day] Big lines in my neighborhood this morning. And that was just at the new frozen yogurt shop. I think the real question this year is: “How much frozen yogurt can one nation consume?” And inside, all these frozen yogurt places look like weird futuristic laboratories, don’t they? Like there’s some guy in the back going: [rub hands and use mad scientist voice] “They call me insane, but I will freeze yogurt. And I will put fruit on top, instead of on the bottom. And I will make people sit in hard plastic chairs. I will borrow them from my mad cousin, who runs Dunkin Donuts.”
2. Barack Obama traveled to Chicago to cast his vote at home, but Joe Biden broke that tradition by choosing to remain on Planet Earth.
3. I loved it whenever CNN would say things like: “We’re going to call South Carolina for McCain. Obama is currently in the lead there.” Did you learn anything from the election in 2000? Anderson Cooper at CNN even started asking about it. “I notice we’re completely contradicting ourselves. Are we insane?” And then, as if to answer his own question, this is true, he did an interview with a hologram.
4. A new study says that left-handed people tend to be more anxious and shy than right-handers. Maybe because they fear shaking hands. [Act out awkwardness of left hander reaching out to shake hands.]
5. An original sketch of Winnie the Pooh sold for twice its estimated value today. The sketch was not featured in the actual children’s books, because, well, take a look. [Show sketch of Pooh reaching into a pot, and inside the pot are car keys.] It’s a key party.
2. Barack Obama traveled to Chicago to cast his vote at home, but Joe Biden broke that tradition by choosing to remain on Planet Earth.
3. I loved it whenever CNN would say things like: “We’re going to call South Carolina for McCain. Obama is currently in the lead there.” Did you learn anything from the election in 2000? Anderson Cooper at CNN even started asking about it. “I notice we’re completely contradicting ourselves. Are we insane?” And then, as if to answer his own question, this is true, he did an interview with a hologram.
4. A new study says that left-handed people tend to be more anxious and shy than right-handers. Maybe because they fear shaking hands. [Act out awkwardness of left hander reaching out to shake hands.]
5. An original sketch of Winnie the Pooh sold for twice its estimated value today. The sketch was not featured in the actual children’s books, because, well, take a look. [Show sketch of Pooh reaching into a pot, and inside the pot are car keys.] It’s a key party.
Monday, November 3, 2008
11/3
1. A new study says that pregnant women should stay away from coffee. It keeps them awake, jittery, irritable, and having to urinate a lot. Basically, it makes them feel like they’re pregnant.
2. A pizza company in New Zealand got into trouble for showing dead celebrities dancing on graves. The problem came when President Bush complained that he was still alive. Do you remember when Bush first got elected, how everyone was upset about all the vacations he was taking? Now we’re like: “Are you still here? Go on! Take as much vacation as you want!”
3. Political parties have been doing some dirty tricks recently to lower the popularity of candidates. For example, the Democrats have been tricking Bush into going to John McCain rallies.
4. If Barack Obama loses tomorrow, the unemployment rate is going to skyrocket, because every poll-taker in American is going to lose his job.
5. The Vatican is going to bring back time clocks for its employees, to improve time efficiency. At least they don’t have to worry about losing their retirement plans. God has a great one, though his health care plan is not so good.
2. A pizza company in New Zealand got into trouble for showing dead celebrities dancing on graves. The problem came when President Bush complained that he was still alive. Do you remember when Bush first got elected, how everyone was upset about all the vacations he was taking? Now we’re like: “Are you still here? Go on! Take as much vacation as you want!”
3. Political parties have been doing some dirty tricks recently to lower the popularity of candidates. For example, the Democrats have been tricking Bush into going to John McCain rallies.
4. If Barack Obama loses tomorrow, the unemployment rate is going to skyrocket, because every poll-taker in American is going to lose his job.
5. The Vatican is going to bring back time clocks for its employees, to improve time efficiency. At least they don’t have to worry about losing their retirement plans. God has a great one, though his health care plan is not so good.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
11/1
1. In Wales, road signs have to be in both English and Welsh. So look at this sign. [Show sign] Now, the English makes sense, but the Welsh apparently means, this is true: “I am out of the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated.” Of course, in New York, you get that sort of thing and the signs are just in English.
2. There is a huge exploding mud volcano in Indonesia right now. However, this is still not the biggest mud volcano on record. That record goes to the one erupting right now in Washington. Oh my god! I need a mud guard just to watch TV these days.
3. Sarah Palin said today that Barack Obama’s tax plan will “dash the dreams of Americans”. As opposed to the Bush tax plan, which has utterly pulverized them.
4. There have been a lot of rumors about whether North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead or alive, so North Korea released a picture of him watching a soccer match. The picture didn’t show any other spectators, though, so maybe it was actually an American soccer match.
5. Actor Joaquin Phoenix has decided to quit doing movies. He says that the reason is to focus on his music. Because apparently acting is so draining that no one can do that AND music.
2. There is a huge exploding mud volcano in Indonesia right now. However, this is still not the biggest mud volcano on record. That record goes to the one erupting right now in Washington. Oh my god! I need a mud guard just to watch TV these days.
3. Sarah Palin said today that Barack Obama’s tax plan will “dash the dreams of Americans”. As opposed to the Bush tax plan, which has utterly pulverized them.
4. There have been a lot of rumors about whether North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead or alive, so North Korea released a picture of him watching a soccer match. The picture didn’t show any other spectators, though, so maybe it was actually an American soccer match.
5. Actor Joaquin Phoenix has decided to quit doing movies. He says that the reason is to focus on his music. Because apparently acting is so draining that no one can do that AND music.
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