1. The White House has released its visitor list, and this year, there were eight visits by Michael Moore, but none of them by the movie director Michael Moore. Sounds like a certain president is acting a little passive-aggressive.
2. Police arrested a man who had been stalking Ryan Seacrest, which amazingly means that some people exist who don’t get enough of him already.
3. In Afghanistan, after long and grueling pressure from American officials to get Hamid Karzai to allow a run-off election with his rival Abdullah Abdullah, Abdullah has decided to boycott the election. Which means it’s good that Karzai won, because at least we won’t have to deal with a complete moron. Abdullah says that he needs more time to prepare -- maybe to fit another Abdullah into his name.
4. In Florida, a man brought an alligator to his daughter’s show-and-tell at school and it escaped. Luckily, it happened before another father brought in his giant vats of anthrax. Who brings an alligator to his daughter’s show-and-tell? And this is true -- they can‘t find it now. This is kind of like when you can’t find that last Easter egg in the house. “It’ll let us know where it is eventually.” “Yeah, didn’t there used to be more kids in this class?”
5. Hugh Jackman says that he doesn’t want to host the Oscars again, because being asked to host is sort of a backhanded compliment. “We don’t think you’ll be winning one of these.”
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
10/30
1. Non-Latin names will soon be allowed for internet addresses, which means I’m finally going to have www.igpayatinlay.com.
2. Wal Mart is now selling coffins. The coffins are going to be made in China, but that’s okay, because if you’re dead, it doesn’t matter what they're contaminated with.
3. The world’s largest ever cruise liner is setting sail. There have been problems, however, because the ship is altering weather patterns from the reflective power of so much pale skin in such concentration.
4. The new Michael Jackson documentary will be released in an IMAX version, so parents can finally discover what had previously only been experienced by children.
5. One of Hitler’s closest aides has died, and some people say his memoirs might provide conclusive evidence that Hitler was in charge of the Holocaust. Yeah, this will finally placate the Holocaust deniers, just like the soon-to-be-released memoirs of an assistant electrician on the Apollo rockets will finally placate people who think the moon landings were a hoax.
2. Wal Mart is now selling coffins. The coffins are going to be made in China, but that’s okay, because if you’re dead, it doesn’t matter what they're contaminated with.
3. The world’s largest ever cruise liner is setting sail. There have been problems, however, because the ship is altering weather patterns from the reflective power of so much pale skin in such concentration.
4. The new Michael Jackson documentary will be released in an IMAX version, so parents can finally discover what had previously only been experienced by children.
5. One of Hitler’s closest aides has died, and some people say his memoirs might provide conclusive evidence that Hitler was in charge of the Holocaust. Yeah, this will finally placate the Holocaust deniers, just like the soon-to-be-released memoirs of an assistant electrician on the Apollo rockets will finally placate people who think the moon landings were a hoax.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
10/29
1. A woman in Philadelphia has been arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. “Hey,” she said, “it can be the City of Sisterly Love too.” And she’s married. What makes me think this was his idea? A local radio station then gave her free tickets (true) – after a VIP tour of the station.
2. A man in Somalia who says that he’s 112 years old has just gotten married to a 17-year-old girl. He said: “Today, God helped me realize my dream.” Because apparently, God doesn’t answer the prayers of 17-year-old girls.
3. The government of Kenya is going to conduct a census of its gay population. However, this effort might be hampered by the fact that in Kanya, being homosexual is AGAINST THE LAW. After this, the government wants to do a census of car thieves.
4. Astronomers have found the most distant object ever detected – a gamma ray burst from a star 13.1 billion light years away. This broke the record for “most distant object” previously held by health care reform.
5. Verizon and Motorola have launched their answer to the iPhone, called the Droid, which is expected to spark the largest nerd joke epidemic in history. Across the nation, nerds will flood into stores, stand in front of the phones, wave their hands slowly in front of people’s faces and intone: “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.”
2. A man in Somalia who says that he’s 112 years old has just gotten married to a 17-year-old girl. He said: “Today, God helped me realize my dream.” Because apparently, God doesn’t answer the prayers of 17-year-old girls.
3. The government of Kenya is going to conduct a census of its gay population. However, this effort might be hampered by the fact that in Kanya, being homosexual is AGAINST THE LAW. After this, the government wants to do a census of car thieves.
4. Astronomers have found the most distant object ever detected – a gamma ray burst from a star 13.1 billion light years away. This broke the record for “most distant object” previously held by health care reform.
5. Verizon and Motorola have launched their answer to the iPhone, called the Droid, which is expected to spark the largest nerd joke epidemic in history. Across the nation, nerds will flood into stores, stand in front of the phones, wave their hands slowly in front of people’s faces and intone: “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.”
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
10/28
1. French taxpayers spent over $400,000 on a shower for president Nicolas Sarkozy – which he never even used. Jesus, how much of a hint do you need to give a guy to freshen up a little? This explains why the White House officially classifies visits by Sarkozy as “chemical attacks”.
2. Sarah Palin received at least $1.25 million for her autobiography “Going Rogue”. However, most of that went towards finding someone to write it.
3. A Chinese company is thinking about buying Volvo. Their new slogan: “The world’s safest car just got a little more dangerous.” This is like Scientology buying Skeptic Magazine.
4. Andre Agassi has admitted that he used crystal meth over a decade ago. Some analysts think this will “severely tarnish” his reputation in ’09. By which I mean 1909. When the meth came up on a drug test, Agassi blamed his assistant, since his name was (true): Slim.
5. Hulk Hogan has decided to return to pro wrestling at the age of 56. However, in this case, the “pro” stands for “prostate”.
2. Sarah Palin received at least $1.25 million for her autobiography “Going Rogue”. However, most of that went towards finding someone to write it.
3. A Chinese company is thinking about buying Volvo. Their new slogan: “The world’s safest car just got a little more dangerous.” This is like Scientology buying Skeptic Magazine.
4. Andre Agassi has admitted that he used crystal meth over a decade ago. Some analysts think this will “severely tarnish” his reputation in ’09. By which I mean 1909. When the meth came up on a drug test, Agassi blamed his assistant, since his name was (true): Slim.
5. Hulk Hogan has decided to return to pro wrestling at the age of 56. However, in this case, the “pro” stands for “prostate”.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
10/27
1. Two men from Chicago have been arrested in Denmark for plotting terrorist attacks. Wow, some people in Chicago are taking it pretty hard about the IOC in Denmark awarding the Olympics to Rio.
2. The Church of Scientology was found guilty of fraud in a French lawsuit. The French government currently sees Scientology as a con job masquerading as a place of deep tradition whose only aim is to bilk money out of gullible victims. A similar lawsuit has been filed against the tourist district of Paris.
3. Facebook announced it will stop automatically sending status updates for dead members, like “Zack has just reached Stage 3 decomposition!” or “Suggest Zack as a friend to Flesh Eating Fungus!”
4. Former President George W. Bush spoke at a motivational seminar in Texas yesterday. “Look how far positive thinking can get you, even with no particular talent or intelligence!” He’s also writing a book about his dozen toughest decisions in office. Number 1: “Who do I give all my presidential decisions?” Number 2: “Pork rinds or Fritos?”
5. President Obama is about to name “smart grid” projects that will modernize the nation’s electricity grid. Not to be confused with “smart griddles”, a Dept. of Defense attempt to create intelligent pancakes.
2. The Church of Scientology was found guilty of fraud in a French lawsuit. The French government currently sees Scientology as a con job masquerading as a place of deep tradition whose only aim is to bilk money out of gullible victims. A similar lawsuit has been filed against the tourist district of Paris.
3. Facebook announced it will stop automatically sending status updates for dead members, like “Zack has just reached Stage 3 decomposition!” or “Suggest Zack as a friend to Flesh Eating Fungus!”
4. Former President George W. Bush spoke at a motivational seminar in Texas yesterday. “Look how far positive thinking can get you, even with no particular talent or intelligence!” He’s also writing a book about his dozen toughest decisions in office. Number 1: “Who do I give all my presidential decisions?” Number 2: “Pork rinds or Fritos?”
5. President Obama is about to name “smart grid” projects that will modernize the nation’s electricity grid. Not to be confused with “smart griddles”, a Dept. of Defense attempt to create intelligent pancakes.
Monday, October 26, 2009
10/26
1. Military scientists have developed a paint that can absorb and decontaminate chemical weapons. Man, I need to get some of that paint for my roommate’s bathroom.
2. After pressure from feminists, President Obama finally played golf with a woman today. How did he do against her? Yet another case of Obama maintaining “don’t ask, don’t tell”.
3. Hwang Woo-suk, the South Korean geneticist who became a national hero for creating the first clone of a dog, has been found guilty of embezzling funds. The judge informed him that there was no such thing as “cloning money”.
4. The U.S. has banned a senior Kenyan official from entering the country. Right-wing Republicans were excited until realizing that it wasn’t President Obama.
5. A new study says it’s a myth that women have different heart attack symptoms from men. The only real difference is they just don’t complain about them as much.
2. After pressure from feminists, President Obama finally played golf with a woman today. How did he do against her? Yet another case of Obama maintaining “don’t ask, don’t tell”.
3. Hwang Woo-suk, the South Korean geneticist who became a national hero for creating the first clone of a dog, has been found guilty of embezzling funds. The judge informed him that there was no such thing as “cloning money”.
4. The U.S. has banned a senior Kenyan official from entering the country. Right-wing Republicans were excited until realizing that it wasn’t President Obama.
5. A new study says it’s a myth that women have different heart attack symptoms from men. The only real difference is they just don’t complain about them as much.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A Colorado newspaper is hiring a marijuana reviewer and has received more than 100 applications. However, the newspaper said anyone who takes the effort to send a resume obviously doesn’t have the expertise it’s looking for.
The crew of a Delta flight to Minneapolis overshot the airport by 150 miles and didn’t answer ground control the entire time. Officials believe the crew fell asleep, but they insist they were just having a “heated discussion”. Maybe about who would set the alarm clock.
A man in Virginia was arrested for being naked in his own kitchen, after being seen by a woman walking by with her 7-year-old son at 5:30 a.m. First, could I get them to arrest my roommate too? And second, how about arresting the woman for going around looking at naked guys with her kid? What do you expect to see at 5:30 a.m. if you’re staring into people’s houses? You’re lucky you weren’t looking in my window, because you might not want to eat fish anymore.
New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is currently far ahead in election polls, on track to spend $140 million of his own money on his campaign. Voters are enthusiastic for his plan to revitalize the city’s economy by taking its 20 wealthiest people and having them all run for mayor.
There were widespread internet rumors last night that Kanye West died in a car accident, but it turned out to be a hoax. Which taught me a lesson – until it’s confirmed, don’t order the cake and party hats.
Today, President Obama called small businesses the “engine” of the U.S. economy. It was encouraging news for many of today’s small businesses, such as General Motors, Citibank, and AIG.
Researchers have now filmed eagles hunting reindeer in Finland. They feel this might finally solve the mystery of why eagles never get presents from Santa.
Coca Cola saw profits rise, thanks to increasing sales in Third World countries. Said a Coke spokesperson: “These people still have such low rates of diabetes – there’s so much room to grow!”
A new poll shows that most Americans think that Iran wants nuclear weapons. However most Americans also can’t find Iran on a map. Which means that Iran’s pretty safe if it fires nuclear missiles at us, because we won’t know where to aim when firing back.
Brazil has vowed to crack down on drug gangs in Rio de Janeiro before the 2016 Olympics. There were some protests, however, because this means the athletes will have to bring all their own drugs.
A new report says using the internet might help keep older people from getting dementia. It’s sort of like mental Red Bull – it keeps you going, but you lose all ability to have an in-depth conversation.
An Argentine opera singer has been arrested after an argument about her loud voice in a restaurant. Apparently when she got the bill, the manager included all the glasses she broke.
Microsoft stock soared today, and a spokesperson said: “We are very pleased… by the strong consumer demand for Windows.” That’s like farmers saying they’re pleased with the strong consumer demand for food. Most of us don’t have much of a choice.
The government will force Wall Street firms that received bailout money to restrict the pay of their top executives. Wall Street said this will lead the best and brightest to work elsewhere. All right, so that’s the upside, but is there a downside?
The government just arrested around 300 members of a Mexican drug cartel known as La Familia. Glenn Beck immediately denounced the move as yet another attempt to nationalize a family-run industry.
An 848-mile-long golf course is set to open in Australia. On one of the holes, this is true, golfers have complained about balls being stolen by dingoes. Which is why no one is allowed to play the course with babies.
Scientists have discovered a giant web-spinning spider in Africa that was thought to be extinct. There is some dispute about whether to name it Nephila Talibanus or Nephila Vaccineconspiracytheorius.
Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a female stalker. But really, he should be partly blamed for giving psychotic women ideas with the song “Dick in a Box”.
According to the local sheriff, the Balloon Boy family was putting on a hoax. But I think the sheriff is part of the hoax and this whole thing is a reality TV series. That “sheriff” is obviously sitcom veteran Howard Hesseman:
The crew of a Delta flight to Minneapolis overshot the airport by 150 miles and didn’t answer ground control the entire time. Officials believe the crew fell asleep, but they insist they were just having a “heated discussion”. Maybe about who would set the alarm clock.
A man in Virginia was arrested for being naked in his own kitchen, after being seen by a woman walking by with her 7-year-old son at 5:30 a.m. First, could I get them to arrest my roommate too? And second, how about arresting the woman for going around looking at naked guys with her kid? What do you expect to see at 5:30 a.m. if you’re staring into people’s houses? You’re lucky you weren’t looking in my window, because you might not want to eat fish anymore.
New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is currently far ahead in election polls, on track to spend $140 million of his own money on his campaign. Voters are enthusiastic for his plan to revitalize the city’s economy by taking its 20 wealthiest people and having them all run for mayor.
There were widespread internet rumors last night that Kanye West died in a car accident, but it turned out to be a hoax. Which taught me a lesson – until it’s confirmed, don’t order the cake and party hats.
Today, President Obama called small businesses the “engine” of the U.S. economy. It was encouraging news for many of today’s small businesses, such as General Motors, Citibank, and AIG.
Researchers have now filmed eagles hunting reindeer in Finland. They feel this might finally solve the mystery of why eagles never get presents from Santa.
Coca Cola saw profits rise, thanks to increasing sales in Third World countries. Said a Coke spokesperson: “These people still have such low rates of diabetes – there’s so much room to grow!”
A new poll shows that most Americans think that Iran wants nuclear weapons. However most Americans also can’t find Iran on a map. Which means that Iran’s pretty safe if it fires nuclear missiles at us, because we won’t know where to aim when firing back.
Brazil has vowed to crack down on drug gangs in Rio de Janeiro before the 2016 Olympics. There were some protests, however, because this means the athletes will have to bring all their own drugs.
A new report says using the internet might help keep older people from getting dementia. It’s sort of like mental Red Bull – it keeps you going, but you lose all ability to have an in-depth conversation.
An Argentine opera singer has been arrested after an argument about her loud voice in a restaurant. Apparently when she got the bill, the manager included all the glasses she broke.
Microsoft stock soared today, and a spokesperson said: “We are very pleased… by the strong consumer demand for Windows.” That’s like farmers saying they’re pleased with the strong consumer demand for food. Most of us don’t have much of a choice.
The government will force Wall Street firms that received bailout money to restrict the pay of their top executives. Wall Street said this will lead the best and brightest to work elsewhere. All right, so that’s the upside, but is there a downside?
The government just arrested around 300 members of a Mexican drug cartel known as La Familia. Glenn Beck immediately denounced the move as yet another attempt to nationalize a family-run industry.
An 848-mile-long golf course is set to open in Australia. On one of the holes, this is true, golfers have complained about balls being stolen by dingoes. Which is why no one is allowed to play the course with babies.
Scientists have discovered a giant web-spinning spider in Africa that was thought to be extinct. There is some dispute about whether to name it Nephila Talibanus or Nephila Vaccineconspiracytheorius.
Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a female stalker. But really, he should be partly blamed for giving psychotic women ideas with the song “Dick in a Box”.
According to the local sheriff, the Balloon Boy family was putting on a hoax. But I think the sheriff is part of the hoax and this whole thing is a reality TV series. That “sheriff” is obviously sitcom veteran Howard Hesseman:
Saturday, October 24, 2009
10/24
1. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is currently far ahead in election polls, on track to spend $110 to $140 million of his own money on his campaign. Voters are enthusiastic for his plan to revitalize the city’s economy by taking its twenty wealthiest businessmen and having them all run for mayor.
2. Today, President Obama called small businesses the “engine” of the U.S. economy. It was encouraging news for many of today’s small businesses, such as General Motors, Citibank, and AIG.
3. Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a female stalker. But really, he should be partly blamed for giving psychotic women ideas with the song “Dick in a Box”.
4. The White House declared swine flu to be an emergency of the same type that gets declared for hurricanes. Hurricane-level may seem like overkill, but you’ve never seen Michelle Obama sneeze.
5. The mother of the Balloon Boy has admitted that it was a hoax. The plan was to make the family more marketable to reality TV shows. They just didn’t know it would only be for the kids. Twenty years from now. When the tell-all memoirs begin trickling out.
2. Today, President Obama called small businesses the “engine” of the U.S. economy. It was encouraging news for many of today’s small businesses, such as General Motors, Citibank, and AIG.
3. Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a female stalker. But really, he should be partly blamed for giving psychotic women ideas with the song “Dick in a Box”.
4. The White House declared swine flu to be an emergency of the same type that gets declared for hurricanes. Hurricane-level may seem like overkill, but you’ve never seen Michelle Obama sneeze.
5. The mother of the Balloon Boy has admitted that it was a hoax. The plan was to make the family more marketable to reality TV shows. They just didn’t know it would only be for the kids. Twenty years from now. When the tell-all memoirs begin trickling out.
Friday, October 23, 2009
10/23
1. A man in Virginia was arrested for being naked in his own kitchen, after being seen by a woman walking by with her 7-year-old son at 5:30 a.m. How about arresting the woman for going around looking at naked guys with her kid? What do you expect to see at 5:30 a.m. if you’re staring into people’s houses? You’re lucky you weren’t looking in my window, because you might not want to eat fish anymore.
2. The crew of a Delta flight to Minneapolis overshot the airport by 150 miles and didn’t answer when flight control radioed them. Officials believe that the crew fell asleep, but they insist that they were just having a “heated discussion”. Maybe about who would set the alarm clock.
3. A new report says using the internet might help keep older people from getting dementia. It’s sort of like mental Red Bull – it keeps you going, but you lose all ability to have an in-depth conversation.
4. An Argentine opera singer has been arrested after an argument about her loud voice in a restaurant. Apparently when she got the bill, the manager included all the glasses she broke.
5. Microsoft stock soared on news of higher profits than expected. A spokesperson said: “We are very pleased… by the strong consumer demand for Windows.” That’s like farmers saying they’re pleased with the strong consumer demand for food. Most of us don’t have much of a choice.
2. The crew of a Delta flight to Minneapolis overshot the airport by 150 miles and didn’t answer when flight control radioed them. Officials believe that the crew fell asleep, but they insist that they were just having a “heated discussion”. Maybe about who would set the alarm clock.
3. A new report says using the internet might help keep older people from getting dementia. It’s sort of like mental Red Bull – it keeps you going, but you lose all ability to have an in-depth conversation.
4. An Argentine opera singer has been arrested after an argument about her loud voice in a restaurant. Apparently when she got the bill, the manager included all the glasses she broke.
5. Microsoft stock soared on news of higher profits than expected. A spokesperson said: “We are very pleased… by the strong consumer demand for Windows.” That’s like farmers saying they’re pleased with the strong consumer demand for food. Most of us don’t have much of a choice.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
10/22
1. A Colorado newspaper is hiring a marijuana reporter and has received more than 100 applications. Unfortunately, the newspaper said anybody who takes the effort to send a resume obviously doesn’t have the expertise it’s looking for.
2. The government will force Wall Street firms that received bailout money to restrict the pay of their top executives. The firms said this will lead the best and brightest to work elsewhere. All right, so that’s the upside, but is there a downside?
3. A new study found that the fossil known as Ida is not a missing link for humans. Although the fossil shares many traits with monkeys and apes, this is merely an example of “convergent evolution”. Similar to how rainbows have been adopted by Jesse Jackson, gay rights activists, and leprechauns.
4. The government just arrested around 300 members of a Mexican drug cartel known as La Familia. Glenn Beck immediately denounced the move as yet another attempt to nationalize a family-run industry.
5. An 848-mile-long golf course is set to open in Australia. On one of the holes, this is true, golfers have complained about balls being stolen by dingoes. Which is why no one is allowed to play the course with babies.
2. The government will force Wall Street firms that received bailout money to restrict the pay of their top executives. The firms said this will lead the best and brightest to work elsewhere. All right, so that’s the upside, but is there a downside?
3. A new study found that the fossil known as Ida is not a missing link for humans. Although the fossil shares many traits with monkeys and apes, this is merely an example of “convergent evolution”. Similar to how rainbows have been adopted by Jesse Jackson, gay rights activists, and leprechauns.
4. The government just arrested around 300 members of a Mexican drug cartel known as La Familia. Glenn Beck immediately denounced the move as yet another attempt to nationalize a family-run industry.
5. An 848-mile-long golf course is set to open in Australia. On one of the holes, this is true, golfers have complained about balls being stolen by dingoes. Which is why no one is allowed to play the course with babies.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
10/21
1. There were widespread internet rumors last night that Kanye West died in a car accident, but it turned out to be a hoax. Which taught me a lesson – until it’s confirmed, don’t order the cake and party hats.
2. Production of the movie “Indian Summer” had to be cancelled, because the Indian government wanted less love story. Since when did the Indian government care about too much love story for movies set in India? That’s like the German government demanding a movie to have less S&M.
3. Media coverage continues heating up in the Balloon Boy case, which is now believed to be a hoax. Well, the dad wanted to be a reality TV star, and now he’s starring in the old-school version of reality TV: “news”. Unfortunately, you don’t get paid, you can’t edit, and it never ever goes on vacation.
4. Scientists have discovered a giant web-spinning spider in Africa that was thought to be extinct. There is some dispute about whether to name it Nephila Talibanus or Nephila Vaccineconspiracytheorius.
5. Microsoft’s launch of the new Windows 7 operating system will include a TV show developed with Seth MacFarlane, who created “Family Guy”. If MacFarlane’s previous work is any guide, we’re probably going to see Steve Jobs’s corpse going through seven windows.
2. Production of the movie “Indian Summer” had to be cancelled, because the Indian government wanted less love story. Since when did the Indian government care about too much love story for movies set in India? That’s like the German government demanding a movie to have less S&M.
3. Media coverage continues heating up in the Balloon Boy case, which is now believed to be a hoax. Well, the dad wanted to be a reality TV star, and now he’s starring in the old-school version of reality TV: “news”. Unfortunately, you don’t get paid, you can’t edit, and it never ever goes on vacation.
4. Scientists have discovered a giant web-spinning spider in Africa that was thought to be extinct. There is some dispute about whether to name it Nephila Talibanus or Nephila Vaccineconspiracytheorius.
5. Microsoft’s launch of the new Windows 7 operating system will include a TV show developed with Seth MacFarlane, who created “Family Guy”. If MacFarlane’s previous work is any guide, we’re probably going to see Steve Jobs’s corpse going through seven windows.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
10/20
1. Researchers have now filmed eagles hunting reindeer in Finland. They feel this might finally solve the mystery of why eagles never get presents from Santa.
2. Coca Cola saw profits rise, thanks to markets in emerging economies. Said a Coke spokesperson: “These people still have such low rates of diabetes – there’s so much room to grow!”
3. A new poll shows that most Americans think that Iran wants nuclear weapons. However most Americans also can’t find Iran on a map. Which means that if they do fire nuclear missiles at us, we won’t know where to aim when firing back.
4. Brazil has vowed to crack down on drug gangs in Rio de Janeiro before the 2016 Olympics. There were some protests, however, because this means the athletes will have to bring all their own drugs.
5. The Mexican city of Puebla is offering pink taxis driven by and for women. Many women were complaining that male taxi drivers sexually harassed them, and they want everyone on the street to join in too.
2. Coca Cola saw profits rise, thanks to markets in emerging economies. Said a Coke spokesperson: “These people still have such low rates of diabetes – there’s so much room to grow!”
3. A new poll shows that most Americans think that Iran wants nuclear weapons. However most Americans also can’t find Iran on a map. Which means that if they do fire nuclear missiles at us, we won’t know where to aim when firing back.
4. Brazil has vowed to crack down on drug gangs in Rio de Janeiro before the 2016 Olympics. There were some protests, however, because this means the athletes will have to bring all their own drugs.
5. The Mexican city of Puebla is offering pink taxis driven by and for women. Many women were complaining that male taxi drivers sexually harassed them, and they want everyone on the street to join in too.
Monday, October 19, 2009
10/19
1. According to the local sheriff, the Balloon Boy family was putting on a hoax. But I think the sheriff is part of the hoax and this whole thing is a reality TV series. That “sheriff” is obviously sitcom veteran Howard Hesseman:
2. The latest catalog for the department store Neiman Marcus is offering a plane with an optional parachute. Optional? For the pilot or the passenger? That sounds like a car with optional brakes. Or cable news with an optional off switch.
3. The toy company Hasbro had much higher profits this quarter, thanks to movies such as “Transformers” and “G.I. Joe”. Their rival Mattel lost sales, but is optimistic about next year’s horror movie based on the Magic 8 Ball. “Aaaahhh!! I can’t read it! The blue stuff is too bubbly!”
4. One of Madonna’s neighbors has sued her, saying that the dancing and music from her rehearsals is shaking the walls. But that’s just Madonna’s way of singing lullabies. When you’re Madonna’s kid, rock-a-bye-baby just ain’t going to cut it.
5. Astronomers have announced the discovery of 32 more planets. Their technique is to look for wobbling stars. Most of the new planets are found during the annual Golden Globe award ceremony in Hollywood.
2. The latest catalog for the department store Neiman Marcus is offering a plane with an optional parachute. Optional? For the pilot or the passenger? That sounds like a car with optional brakes. Or cable news with an optional off switch.
3. The toy company Hasbro had much higher profits this quarter, thanks to movies such as “Transformers” and “G.I. Joe”. Their rival Mattel lost sales, but is optimistic about next year’s horror movie based on the Magic 8 Ball. “Aaaahhh!! I can’t read it! The blue stuff is too bubbly!”
4. One of Madonna’s neighbors has sued her, saying that the dancing and music from her rehearsals is shaking the walls. But that’s just Madonna’s way of singing lullabies. When you’re Madonna’s kid, rock-a-bye-baby just ain’t going to cut it.
5. Astronomers have announced the discovery of 32 more planets. Their technique is to look for wobbling stars. Most of the new planets are found during the annual Golden Globe award ceremony in Hollywood.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Filippa Hamilton, a size 4 model, says she was fired by Ralph Lauren for being too fat. Apparently, the company knew there might be a problem when Hamilton stopped vomiting after meals.
Today, the White House declared Fox News to be an arm of the Republican Party. Fox News strongly disagreed, pointing out that the Republican Party is now actually an arm of Fox News.
There’s some controversy about John McCain’s daughter Meghan McCain posing in racy pajamas for her Twitter followers. She claims this was just what she was wearing around the house. You know, I take showers naked at home, but I don’t post pictures on this blog. Although in my case, that would seriously decrease traffic.
Lindsay Lohan had her probation extended by one year for missing her alcohol education classes. However, she claimed she wasn’t missing the alcohol education classes -- she was just going on a lot of field trips.
A new study shows that infections from tongue piercing can eventually lead to death from holes in the brain. But for most people deciding to pierce their tongues, it’s already too late.
A new study says that looking at images of nature can make people less stressed. Yes, because images don’t have mosquitoes, bears, mud, and snakes. A similar study found that people who live in nature get relaxed by looking at images of clean, safe, bug-free offices.
The Large Hadron Collider in Europe has now reached a temperature colder than outer space. It was believed to be the coldest place ever on Earth, until scientists saw the audience reacting to my stand-up last night.
The cable network TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for appearing on other TV networks. Said a spokesperson: “By law, TLC is the only network allowed to exploit this family’s terrible situation.”
A survey of Russians found only a bare majority believe their country needs democracy. But I think they should try it first.
There will be zero cost-of-living increase for Social Security this year. The Cost Of Living Adjustment is normally called COLA, but this year, it will be known as the Deflationary Income and Economic Trouble Cost Of Living Adjustment, or DIET COLA.
Math scores among fourth graders showed no improvement last year. However, during the recent healthcare debate, they’ve scored far better than most senators.
The FBI is using face-recognition software to analyze driver’s license photos for fugitives, which explains why the FBI interviewed me three times this year about serial killings.
A 6-year-old Cub Scout in Delaware was ordered to reform school after bringing his Swiss Army knife to class. However, if I understand correctly, at reform school, kids wear uniforms, do a lot of outdoor exercise, and learn team-building skills – which pretty much sounds like the Cub Scouts.
More and more airports are using scanners that can view people’s bodies under their clothes. Airports say the images are “not pornographic”. Oh please. Salt shakers and fan belts can be pornographic. If you’re seeing a naked body – it can be pornographic. Especially if the scanners are installed in Germany.
Scientists have now discovered a rare vegetarian spider. Teenage female flies around the world are already swooning over the spider’s love affair with one of their own, their story told in the book “Fly-light”.
Rush Limbaugh wants to buy the St. Louis Rams football team. He’s also judging the Miss America pageant this year. So he’s going to choose the men with the football team, and the women with the pageant. I think we’re seeing the beginning of his attempt to build a master race.
Today, the White House declared Fox News to be an arm of the Republican Party. Fox News strongly disagreed, pointing out that the Republican Party is now actually an arm of Fox News.
There’s some controversy about John McCain’s daughter Meghan McCain posing in racy pajamas for her Twitter followers. She claims this was just what she was wearing around the house. You know, I take showers naked at home, but I don’t post pictures on this blog. Although in my case, that would seriously decrease traffic.
Lindsay Lohan had her probation extended by one year for missing her alcohol education classes. However, she claimed she wasn’t missing the alcohol education classes -- she was just going on a lot of field trips.
A new study shows that infections from tongue piercing can eventually lead to death from holes in the brain. But for most people deciding to pierce their tongues, it’s already too late.
A new study says that looking at images of nature can make people less stressed. Yes, because images don’t have mosquitoes, bears, mud, and snakes. A similar study found that people who live in nature get relaxed by looking at images of clean, safe, bug-free offices.
The Large Hadron Collider in Europe has now reached a temperature colder than outer space. It was believed to be the coldest place ever on Earth, until scientists saw the audience reacting to my stand-up last night.
The cable network TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for appearing on other TV networks. Said a spokesperson: “By law, TLC is the only network allowed to exploit this family’s terrible situation.”
A survey of Russians found only a bare majority believe their country needs democracy. But I think they should try it first.
There will be zero cost-of-living increase for Social Security this year. The Cost Of Living Adjustment is normally called COLA, but this year, it will be known as the Deflationary Income and Economic Trouble Cost Of Living Adjustment, or DIET COLA.
Math scores among fourth graders showed no improvement last year. However, during the recent healthcare debate, they’ve scored far better than most senators.
The FBI is using face-recognition software to analyze driver’s license photos for fugitives, which explains why the FBI interviewed me three times this year about serial killings.
A 6-year-old Cub Scout in Delaware was ordered to reform school after bringing his Swiss Army knife to class. However, if I understand correctly, at reform school, kids wear uniforms, do a lot of outdoor exercise, and learn team-building skills – which pretty much sounds like the Cub Scouts.
More and more airports are using scanners that can view people’s bodies under their clothes. Airports say the images are “not pornographic”. Oh please. Salt shakers and fan belts can be pornographic. If you’re seeing a naked body – it can be pornographic. Especially if the scanners are installed in Germany.
Scientists have now discovered a rare vegetarian spider. Teenage female flies around the world are already swooning over the spider’s love affair with one of their own, their story told in the book “Fly-light”.
Rush Limbaugh wants to buy the St. Louis Rams football team. He’s also judging the Miss America pageant this year. So he’s going to choose the men with the football team, and the women with the pageant. I think we’re seeing the beginning of his attempt to build a master race.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
10/17
1. Lindsay Lohan had her probation extended by one year for missing her alcohol education classes. However, she claimed she wasn’t missing the alcohol education classes -- she was just going on a lot of field trips.
2. A new study shows that infections from tongue piercing can eventually lead to death from holes in the brain. But for most people deciding to get their tongues pierced, it’s already too late.
3. The Large Hadron Collider in Europe has now reached a temperature colder than outer space. It was believed to be the coldest place ever on Earth, until scientists saw the audience reacting to my stand-up last night.
4. To call attention to climate change, the Cabinet of the Maldives held an underwater meeting in the ocean. However, they had to end the meeting early because of a protests by the opposition, also known as “sharks”.
5. A Catholic priest in Wisconsin has auctioned off his family’s silverware to raise money for the homeless. The Vatican immediately excommunicated him for making it look bad.
2. A new study shows that infections from tongue piercing can eventually lead to death from holes in the brain. But for most people deciding to get their tongues pierced, it’s already too late.
3. The Large Hadron Collider in Europe has now reached a temperature colder than outer space. It was believed to be the coldest place ever on Earth, until scientists saw the audience reacting to my stand-up last night.
4. To call attention to climate change, the Cabinet of the Maldives held an underwater meeting in the ocean. However, they had to end the meeting early because of a protests by the opposition, also known as “sharks”.
5. A Catholic priest in Wisconsin has auctioned off his family’s silverware to raise money for the homeless. The Vatican immediately excommunicated him for making it look bad.
Friday, October 16, 2009
10/16
1. The cable network TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for appearing on other TV networks. Said a spokesperson: “By law, TLC is the only network allowed to exploit this family’s terrible situation.”
2. A church in North Carolina is going to publicly roast Satanic Bibles on Halloween. Tickets to the event quickly sold out when it was learned that by “Satanic Bible”, the church actually meant “chicken”.
3. A bus driver in Illinois was suspended for wearing a pink tie to promote breast cancer research. However, it makes more sense when you find out the tie was shaped like a clitoris. Said a supervisor: “Now a nipple – that would have been okay.”
4. A survey of Russians found only a bare majority believe their country needs democracy. But I think they should try it first.
5. For the first time ever, chicken wings are more expensive than breasts. Adam Lippin, owner of the restaurant Atomic Wings, said (true): “It’s at a really scary kind of place.” A scarier place than a restaurant called Atomic Wings?
2. A church in North Carolina is going to publicly roast Satanic Bibles on Halloween. Tickets to the event quickly sold out when it was learned that by “Satanic Bible”, the church actually meant “chicken”.
3. A bus driver in Illinois was suspended for wearing a pink tie to promote breast cancer research. However, it makes more sense when you find out the tie was shaped like a clitoris. Said a supervisor: “Now a nipple – that would have been okay.”
4. A survey of Russians found only a bare majority believe their country needs democracy. But I think they should try it first.
5. For the first time ever, chicken wings are more expensive than breasts. Adam Lippin, owner of the restaurant Atomic Wings, said (true): “It’s at a really scary kind of place.” A scarier place than a restaurant called Atomic Wings?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
10/15
1. There will be zero cost-of-living increase for Social Security this year. The Cost Of Living Adjustment is normally called COLA, but this year, it will be known as the Deflationary Income and Economic Turmoil Cost Of Living Adjustment, or DIET COLA.
2. There’s some controversy about John McCain’s daughter Meghan McCain posing in racy pajamas for her Twitter followers. She claims this was just what she was wearing around the house. Yeah, you know, I take showers naked at home, but I don’t post pictures on this blog. Although in my case, that would seriously decrease traffic.
3. An apartment in Hong Kong just sold for a record $57 million. The ultra-luxury building comes with an aroma spa center and outdoor yoga gym. No pets.
4. In one of the least-anticipated band breakups of all time, the Norwegian pop band A-ha has called it quits after 25 years, finally answering the question: “Hey, didn’t they break up years ago?” In similar news, cast members of ‘80s syndicated sitcom “Charles in Charge” have announced that they will no longer be in the show.
5. There’s some controversy about a pregnant teenager on the cover of Teen Vogue magazine, even though you can’t tell she’s pregnant. So why is this controversial? Robin Williams was a massive cokehead and no one minded him being on Sesame Street – he just wasn’t doing the coke on camera.
2. There’s some controversy about John McCain’s daughter Meghan McCain posing in racy pajamas for her Twitter followers. She claims this was just what she was wearing around the house. Yeah, you know, I take showers naked at home, but I don’t post pictures on this blog. Although in my case, that would seriously decrease traffic.
3. An apartment in Hong Kong just sold for a record $57 million. The ultra-luxury building comes with an aroma spa center and outdoor yoga gym. No pets.
4. In one of the least-anticipated band breakups of all time, the Norwegian pop band A-ha has called it quits after 25 years, finally answering the question: “Hey, didn’t they break up years ago?” In similar news, cast members of ‘80s syndicated sitcom “Charles in Charge” have announced that they will no longer be in the show.
5. There’s some controversy about a pregnant teenager on the cover of Teen Vogue magazine, even though you can’t tell she’s pregnant. So why is this controversial? Robin Williams was a massive cokehead and no one minded him being on Sesame Street – he just wasn’t doing the coke on camera.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
10/14
1. Filippa Hamilton, a size 4 model, says she was fired by Ralph Lauren for being too fat. Apparently, the company knew there might be a problem nearly a year ago, when Hamilton stopped vomiting after meals.
2. A new study says that looking at images of nature can make people less stressed. Yes, because images don’t have mosquitoes, bears, mud, and snakes. A similar study found that people who live in nature get relaxed by looking at images of clean, safe, bug-free offices.
3. Math scores among fourth graders showed no improvement last year. However, during the recent healthcare debate, they’ve scored far better than most senators.
4. Large crowds have come out for swine flu vaccinations. Unfortunately, massive groups like that are perfect for spreading disease, and several came down with swine flu before they could get the shot.
5. The inventor of the World Wide Web has apologized for putting forward slashes in internet addresses. Actually, I kind of liked their revival, sort of how hardly anyone used “@” until e-mail. I’m hoping that the next major technology innovation finds a way to use the “ ^ ” sign.
2. A new study says that looking at images of nature can make people less stressed. Yes, because images don’t have mosquitoes, bears, mud, and snakes. A similar study found that people who live in nature get relaxed by looking at images of clean, safe, bug-free offices.
3. Math scores among fourth graders showed no improvement last year. However, during the recent healthcare debate, they’ve scored far better than most senators.
4. Large crowds have come out for swine flu vaccinations. Unfortunately, massive groups like that are perfect for spreading disease, and several came down with swine flu before they could get the shot.
5. The inventor of the World Wide Web has apologized for putting forward slashes in internet addresses. Actually, I kind of liked their revival, sort of how hardly anyone used “@” until e-mail. I’m hoping that the next major technology innovation finds a way to use the “ ^ ” sign.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
10/13
1. The FBI is using face-recognition software to analyze driver’s license photos for fugitives. So now you have even more reason to look good for your license. This explains why the FBI interviewed me three times this year about different serial killers.
2. A 6-year-old Cub Scout in Delaware was ordered to go to reform school after he brought his Swiss Army knife to lunch. However, if I understand correctly, at reform school, kids have to wear uniforms, do a lot of physical exercise outdoors, and learn team-building skills – which pretty much sounds like the Cub Scouts.
3. New airport scanners in Britain can view people’s bodies under their clothes. Airport security said the images are “not pornographic”. Oh please. Salt shakers and fan belts can be pornographic. If you’re seeing a naked body – it’s pornographic. Especially if the scanners are installed in Germany.
4. Scientists have now discovered a rare vegetarian spider. Teenage fly girls around the world are already swooning over the spider’s love affair with one of their own, their story told in the book “Fly-light”.
5. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson want to stop Rush Limbaugh from buying an NFL team, because that’s certainly not going to feed anger against the left wing. How are you going to stop someone whose name can be divided into “Rush” “Limb” and “Augh!”? He was born for this.
2. A 6-year-old Cub Scout in Delaware was ordered to go to reform school after he brought his Swiss Army knife to lunch. However, if I understand correctly, at reform school, kids have to wear uniforms, do a lot of physical exercise outdoors, and learn team-building skills – which pretty much sounds like the Cub Scouts.
3. New airport scanners in Britain can view people’s bodies under their clothes. Airport security said the images are “not pornographic”. Oh please. Salt shakers and fan belts can be pornographic. If you’re seeing a naked body – it’s pornographic. Especially if the scanners are installed in Germany.
4. Scientists have now discovered a rare vegetarian spider. Teenage fly girls around the world are already swooning over the spider’s love affair with one of their own, their story told in the book “Fly-light”.
5. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson want to stop Rush Limbaugh from buying an NFL team, because that’s certainly not going to feed anger against the left wing. How are you going to stop someone whose name can be divided into “Rush” “Limb” and “Augh!”? He was born for this.
Monday, October 12, 2009
10/12
1. Today, the White House declared Fox News to be an arm of the Republican Party. Fox News strongly disagreed, pointing out that the Republican Party is now actually an arm of Fox News.
2. A former flight attendant on Oprah’s private jet has sued over her firing, saying that she did not have sex aboard Oprah’s plane. “That’s impossible,” the woman said. “I’m not lesbian.”
3. Rush Limbaugh wants to buy the St. Louis Rams football team. He’s also judging the Miss America pageant this year. So he’s going to choose the men with the football team, and the women with the pageant. I think we’re seeing the beginning of his attempt to build a master race.
4. Financial cutbacks have been very hard on Harvard – professors there will no longer get cookies at faculty meetings. Which makes me ask: How many frigging cookies are they eating for this to make a difference? Maybe the real problem is paying for doctors because of all these cookies.
5. In Germany, a man got dragged behind a train after mooning the train staff. It was especially rough considering the body part he was dragged with.
2. A former flight attendant on Oprah’s private jet has sued over her firing, saying that she did not have sex aboard Oprah’s plane. “That’s impossible,” the woman said. “I’m not lesbian.”
3. Rush Limbaugh wants to buy the St. Louis Rams football team. He’s also judging the Miss America pageant this year. So he’s going to choose the men with the football team, and the women with the pageant. I think we’re seeing the beginning of his attempt to build a master race.
4. Financial cutbacks have been very hard on Harvard – professors there will no longer get cookies at faculty meetings. Which makes me ask: How many frigging cookies are they eating for this to make a difference? Maybe the real problem is paying for doctors because of all these cookies.
5. In Germany, a man got dragged behind a train after mooning the train staff. It was especially rough considering the body part he was dragged with.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Guy Laliberte, the billionaire circus owner, finally returned to Earth after 10 days in space. It was the Guinness record for longest hang time after being shot from a cannon.
Kanye West didn’t attend the BET Hip Hop Awards tonight, because his insurance company wouldn’t cover it. “Too much chance of him getting a beat-down.”
The movie “Where the Wild Things Are” is coming out next week. It’s based on a children’s book about my shower curtain.
Some scientists have found a retrovirus linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is the illness that causes dorky civilian guys to wear military fatigues in public.
Elizabeth Taylor’s heart surgery went fine. She told her fans that the surgery was to fix her “leaky valve”, which prompted many to think she was finally taking care of the little “gift” that Richard Burton gave her many years ago.
Marge Simpson is on the cover of the next issue of Playboy, since it’s the annual Jaundice Edition.
A new report says that one out of four people in the world is Muslim. So statistically speaking, there’s a 25% chance that Glenn Beck is Muslim.
Some scientists now say highly attractive female birds only pick highly attractive males. This is why female birds never costar on sitcoms.
AT&T was last in customer satisfaction among phone users in a recent survey. Although, to be fair, the survey was only among people over the age of 80, many of whom are unaware that other phone companies now exist. “I’ve been waiting for AT&T to replace my rotary phone since 1978!”
The founder of BET, Sheila Johnson, was attacked for mocking the stutter of a candidate for governor of Virginia. However, it was later learned that she was merely stuttering because of a horrible flashback to a typical night of programming on BET.
McDonald’s restaurants in Britain are serving Happy Meals that say there are nine planets, even though the International Astronomical Union says there are only eight. McDonald’s later clarified that the ninth massive planetary body was Bill Johnson, it’s 2009 Customer of the Year.
An annual report by the United Nations found Norway to be the best country in the world to live. Unless you’re a whale.
The new website of French First Lady Carla Bruni crashed on its first day from too many users. Apparently, the users mistakenly went to the website while searching for her nude photos.
President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize today, because even though he hasn’t achieved much actual peace yet, the selection committee said he inspires peace. Yes, but so does marijuana. Now Obama knows how Beyonce felt when Kanye West got on stage. “Woah, thank you so much, but you shouldn’t have done that. Really, I’m serious, you really shouldn’t have done that. But thank you.”
Did you hear that the Phillies baseball team strong-armed a 12-year-old girl to give them a historic home-run baseball? Apparently, the Phillie Phanatic threatened to give her ear the worst wet-willie in history.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
10/10
1. Guy Laliberte, the billionaire circus entrepreneur, has returned to Earth after 10 days in space. It was the Guinness record for longest hang time after being shot from a cannon.
2. Kanye West didn’t attend the BET Hip Hop Awards tonight, because his insurance company wouldn’t cover it. “Too much chance of him getting a beat-down.”
3. The movie “Where the Wild Things Are” is coming out next week. It’s based on a children’s book about my shower curtain.
4. A liquor store in Detroit apparently allowed people to trade food stamps for alcohol and Viagra. Well, you can’t trade them for a car, so what else is there to buy in Detroit?
5. President Obama today vowed again to end the ban on gays in the military. Someday. Hopefully while he’s actually president. He also reaffirmed that he will end murder and bring back the dinosaurs.
2. Kanye West didn’t attend the BET Hip Hop Awards tonight, because his insurance company wouldn’t cover it. “Too much chance of him getting a beat-down.”
3. The movie “Where the Wild Things Are” is coming out next week. It’s based on a children’s book about my shower curtain.
4. A liquor store in Detroit apparently allowed people to trade food stamps for alcohol and Viagra. Well, you can’t trade them for a car, so what else is there to buy in Detroit?
5. President Obama today vowed again to end the ban on gays in the military. Someday. Hopefully while he’s actually president. He also reaffirmed that he will end murder and bring back the dinosaurs.
Friday, October 9, 2009
10/9
1. President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize today, because even though he hasn’t achieved much actual peace yet, the selection committee said he inspires peace. Yes, but so does marijuana. Obama must feel like Beyonce when Kanye West got on stage. “Woah, thanks, but this is making me very uncomfortable because you shouldn’t have done that. Really, you really shouldn’t have done that.”
2. Some scientists have found a retrovirus linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is the illness that causes dorky civilian guys to wear military fatigues in public.
3. Elizabeth Taylor’s heart surgery went fine. She told her fans that the surgery was to fix her “leaky valve”, which prompted many to think she was finally taking care of that little “gift” from Richard Burton many years ago.
4. Marge Simpson is on the cover of the next issue of Playboy, earning the magazine a nomination for the Nobel Prize in Creepiology. Why don’t you just but Barbara Bush on there? Playboy hasn’t had anyone who looks like Marge on the cover since its controversial Jaundice Issue.
5. Microsoft and Google are putting together deals to search Twitter for information. So if you ever wanted to know how many people made jelly sandwiches in 2009…
2. Some scientists have found a retrovirus linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is the illness that causes dorky civilian guys to wear military fatigues in public.
3. Elizabeth Taylor’s heart surgery went fine. She told her fans that the surgery was to fix her “leaky valve”, which prompted many to think she was finally taking care of that little “gift” from Richard Burton many years ago.
4. Marge Simpson is on the cover of the next issue of Playboy, earning the magazine a nomination for the Nobel Prize in Creepiology. Why don’t you just but Barbara Bush on there? Playboy hasn’t had anyone who looks like Marge on the cover since its controversial Jaundice Issue.
5. Microsoft and Google are putting together deals to search Twitter for information. So if you ever wanted to know how many people made jelly sandwiches in 2009…
Thursday, October 8, 2009
10/8
1. Did you hear that the Phillies baseball team strong-armed a 12-year-old girl to give them a historic home-run baseball? Apparently, the Phillie Phanatic threatened to give her ear the worst wet-willie in history.
2. A new report says that one out of four people in the world is Muslim. So statistically speaking, there’s a 25% chance that Glenn Beck is Muslim, which would explain so much.
3. Some scientists now say highly attractive female birds only pick highly attractive males. This is why female birds never costar on sitcoms.
4. A new survey says that “whatever” is the most annoying word in America. Anyway…
5. Recent reports say Vermont has the best healthcare in the country. Yeah, they need good healthcare to deal with all those Ben & Jerry’s employees.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
10/7
1. The Nobel Prize in chemistry has gone to a scientist whose work has been vital in the war against germs. Analysts said it had really only been a matter of time until the Swedes recognized Dr. Scholl.
2. A Saudi man convicted for bragging about sex on TV says that the video crew tricked him. Yes, how could he have possibly known that talking in front of TV cameras and showing off his collection of sex toys (true) might show up on TV? Over 200 lawsuits were filed against him by viewers who felt morally wronged by the broadcast – and funnily, most of the lawsuits particularly mentioned what he said at the very end.
3. A banker in Michigan has been convicted of embezzlement after stealing $340,000 from her bank and giving it to the poor. The good news, however, is that she was quickly hired by the Obama administration.
4. Burger King announced that it is making its restaurants more “upscale and edgy”. Now, instead of having it your way, you’ll have it Burger King’s way -- and you’ll like it.
5. A new study says that women on the Pill always choose nicer, more feminine men instead of masculine men. How ironic that women on the Pill choose guys who wouldn’t mind having a kid. Next we’re going to find out that women are more likely to get drunk if they want to have sex anyway.
2. A Saudi man convicted for bragging about sex on TV says that the video crew tricked him. Yes, how could he have possibly known that talking in front of TV cameras and showing off his collection of sex toys (true) might show up on TV? Over 200 lawsuits were filed against him by viewers who felt morally wronged by the broadcast – and funnily, most of the lawsuits particularly mentioned what he said at the very end.
3. A banker in Michigan has been convicted of embezzlement after stealing $340,000 from her bank and giving it to the poor. The good news, however, is that she was quickly hired by the Obama administration.
4. Burger King announced that it is making its restaurants more “upscale and edgy”. Now, instead of having it your way, you’ll have it Burger King’s way -- and you’ll like it.
5. A new study says that women on the Pill always choose nicer, more feminine men instead of masculine men. How ironic that women on the Pill choose guys who wouldn’t mind having a kid. Next we’re going to find out that women are more likely to get drunk if they want to have sex anyway.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
10/6
1. AT&T was last in customer satisfaction among phone users in a recent survey. Although, to be fair, the survey was only among people over the age of 80, many of whom are unaware that other phone companies now exist. “I’ve been waiting for AT&T to replace my rotary phone since 1978!”
2. Some scientists have announced the development of a cocaine vaccine. Man, you thought there was a backlash against vaccines now. I hear they’re also developing a vaccine against sugar. Is cocaine spreading like a virus? Are we going to have to quarantine the Grammys?
3. The Dalai Lama urged the United States to take care of its divide between rich and poor. Many of his Hollywood followers agreed. “The gap between rich and poor needs to be wider,” said Richard Gere. “Otherwise any American will be able to jet off to Tibet, and I’ll have to find some other hip exotic religion.”
4. This year, Australians going to that country’s biggest auto race will only be allowed 24 cans of beer. And those are just the drivers.
5. Instead of prison, the government wants to keep non-violent illegal immigrants in low-cost hotels because it’s much cheaper. “Besides,” said President Obama, “it will save on gas, since we’ll be keeping them where they’re working.”
2. Some scientists have announced the development of a cocaine vaccine. Man, you thought there was a backlash against vaccines now. I hear they’re also developing a vaccine against sugar. Is cocaine spreading like a virus? Are we going to have to quarantine the Grammys?
3. The Dalai Lama urged the United States to take care of its divide between rich and poor. Many of his Hollywood followers agreed. “The gap between rich and poor needs to be wider,” said Richard Gere. “Otherwise any American will be able to jet off to Tibet, and I’ll have to find some other hip exotic religion.”
4. This year, Australians going to that country’s biggest auto race will only be allowed 24 cans of beer. And those are just the drivers.
5. Instead of prison, the government wants to keep non-violent illegal immigrants in low-cost hotels because it’s much cheaper. “Besides,” said President Obama, “it will save on gas, since we’ll be keeping them where they’re working.”
Monday, October 5, 2009
10/5
1. The founder of BET, Sheila Johnson, was attacked for mocking the stutter of a candidate for governor of Virginia. However, it was later learned that she was merely stuttering because of a horrible flashback to a typical night of programming on BET.
2. McDonald’s restaurants in Britain are serving Happy Meals that say there are nine planets, even though the International Astronomical Union says there are only eight. McDonald’s later clarified that the ninth massive planetary body it was referring to was Bill Johnson, it’s 2009 Customer of the Year.
3. An annual report by the United Nations found Norway to be the best country in the world to live. Unless you’re a whale.
4. The new website of French First Lady Carla Bruni crashed on its first day from too many users. Apparently, the users mistakenly went to the website while searching for her nude photos.
5. The man accused of secretly filming ESPN reporter Erin Andrews has been released on a bond, which was immediately purchased, chopped up, and sold to investors by Wall Street banks.
2. McDonald’s restaurants in Britain are serving Happy Meals that say there are nine planets, even though the International Astronomical Union says there are only eight. McDonald’s later clarified that the ninth massive planetary body it was referring to was Bill Johnson, it’s 2009 Customer of the Year.
3. An annual report by the United Nations found Norway to be the best country in the world to live. Unless you’re a whale.
4. The new website of French First Lady Carla Bruni crashed on its first day from too many users. Apparently, the users mistakenly went to the website while searching for her nude photos.
5. The man accused of secretly filming ESPN reporter Erin Andrews has been released on a bond, which was immediately purchased, chopped up, and sold to investors by Wall Street banks.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
There's growing anger in Egypt about special devices that let women fake virginity on their wedding night. The devices apparently make the women’s vaginas appear to be one of the Jonas Brothers. Islamic scholars are mixed about whether continuing to have sex would make the husband gay.
Google CEO Eric Schmidt said he starts every day “assuming that people don’t appreciate how fundamental the internet is.” Then, over breakfast, he lets at least a thousand strangers know that, thanks to the internet, he has their social security numbers.
Former French President Jacques Chirac is giving up his dog because it’s become too violent. Chirac’s spokesman said (true) that the dog is now enjoying life on a farm in the French countryside. Yeah, I heard that when I was a kid too. Next, Chirac is going to tell us the farm is owned by his Canadian girlfriend.
Lady Gaga says she will now be going on a concert tour without Kanye West. Mainly because the strip clubs wouldn’t let him on stage. However, Kanye has announced that he's going on her tour anyway.
Pre-orders of Sarah Palin’s new memoir have been enormous. Publishers are ecstatic, because it could open a whole new market among people who have never bought a book before. Palin’s book is called “Going Rogue”, which caused confusion for buyers who thought it was the upcoming memoir of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, “Going Brogue”.
A new study says that children who eat candy every day are more likely to become violent adults. However, not letting kids have candy is more likely to make them violent right now.
Rio de Janeiro was chosen to be the site of the 2016 Olympics instead of Chicago. Analysts say the deciding factors were videos from local residents of Chicago and Rio.
The entertainment lineup for the Nobel Prize ceremony has been announced! It features Wyclef Jean, Toby Keith, Donna Summer, and many more musicians that the Nobel Prize winners won’t recognize.
Sacha Cohen’s last movie “Bruno” has been banned in Malaysia, so absolutely zero theaters will be allowed to show it. Which means slightly fewer people might see it in theaters there than in the U.S.
Toyota is recalling 3.8 million cars because the gas pedals might stick. So far, there have been a strangely high number of gas pedals getting stuck while people drive towards their bosses.
An infielder for the Texas Rangers baseball team, Omar Vizguel, plans to learn bullfighting during the offseason. If I was a base runner, that would worry me. “Looks like Johnson is trying to stretch that single into a double! Ohhhh, Vizguel stabbed him in the shoulders with a sword. That’s gotta hurt. But at least Johnson’s corpse will be donated to the poor.”
The woman that John Lennon insisted was the real inspiration for the song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” has died. Ironically, she died of an LSD overdose.
The 2009 Ig Nobel award for ridiculous research went to a bra that can double as a gas mask. Police think it might be the reason behind this year’s roughly 5000% increase in guys calling in false alarms about gas leaks.
Google CEO Eric Schmidt said he starts every day “assuming that people don’t appreciate how fundamental the internet is.” Then, over breakfast, he lets at least a thousand strangers know that, thanks to the internet, he has their social security numbers.
Former French President Jacques Chirac is giving up his dog because it’s become too violent. Chirac’s spokesman said (true) that the dog is now enjoying life on a farm in the French countryside. Yeah, I heard that when I was a kid too. Next, Chirac is going to tell us the farm is owned by his Canadian girlfriend.
Lady Gaga says she will now be going on a concert tour without Kanye West. Mainly because the strip clubs wouldn’t let him on stage. However, Kanye has announced that he's going on her tour anyway.
Pre-orders of Sarah Palin’s new memoir have been enormous. Publishers are ecstatic, because it could open a whole new market among people who have never bought a book before. Palin’s book is called “Going Rogue”, which caused confusion for buyers who thought it was the upcoming memoir of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, “Going Brogue”.
A new study says that children who eat candy every day are more likely to become violent adults. However, not letting kids have candy is more likely to make them violent right now.
Rio de Janeiro was chosen to be the site of the 2016 Olympics instead of Chicago. Analysts say the deciding factors were videos from local residents of Chicago and Rio.
The entertainment lineup for the Nobel Prize ceremony has been announced! It features Wyclef Jean, Toby Keith, Donna Summer, and many more musicians that the Nobel Prize winners won’t recognize.
Sacha Cohen’s last movie “Bruno” has been banned in Malaysia, so absolutely zero theaters will be allowed to show it. Which means slightly fewer people might see it in theaters there than in the U.S.
Toyota is recalling 3.8 million cars because the gas pedals might stick. So far, there have been a strangely high number of gas pedals getting stuck while people drive towards their bosses.
An infielder for the Texas Rangers baseball team, Omar Vizguel, plans to learn bullfighting during the offseason. If I was a base runner, that would worry me. “Looks like Johnson is trying to stretch that single into a double! Ohhhh, Vizguel stabbed him in the shoulders with a sword. That’s gotta hurt. But at least Johnson’s corpse will be donated to the poor.”
The woman that John Lennon insisted was the real inspiration for the song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” has died. Ironically, she died of an LSD overdose.
The 2009 Ig Nobel award for ridiculous research went to a bra that can double as a gas mask. Police think it might be the reason behind this year’s roughly 5000% increase in guys calling in false alarms about gas leaks.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
10/3
1. Rio de Janeiro was chosen to be the site of the 2016 Olympics instead of Chicago. Analysts say the deciding factors were videos from local residents of Chicago and Rio.
2. Google CEO Eric Schmidt said he starts every day “assuming that people don’t appreciate how fundamental the internet is.” Then, over breakfast, he lets at least a thousand strangers know that, thanks to the internet, he has their social security numbers.
3. The 2009 Ig Nobel award for ridiculous research went to a bra that can double as a gas mask. Police think it might be the reason behind this year’s roughly 5000% increase in guys calling in false alarms about gas leaks.
4. Reports say Iran has the data to build a nuclear bomb. Really? Sixteen-year-olds in Topeka, Kansas have the data to build a nuclear bomb. It’s called the internet. The issue is having the ingredients. I have the data to make a 20-foot-high Smurf statue out of Megan Fox’s liver -- the problem is getting the liver.
5. Lady Gaga says she will now be going on a concert tour without Kanye West. Mainly because the strip clubs wouldn’t let him on stage. However, Kanye has announced that he's going on her tour anyway.
2. Google CEO Eric Schmidt said he starts every day “assuming that people don’t appreciate how fundamental the internet is.” Then, over breakfast, he lets at least a thousand strangers know that, thanks to the internet, he has their social security numbers.
3. The 2009 Ig Nobel award for ridiculous research went to a bra that can double as a gas mask. Police think it might be the reason behind this year’s roughly 5000% increase in guys calling in false alarms about gas leaks.
4. Reports say Iran has the data to build a nuclear bomb. Really? Sixteen-year-olds in Topeka, Kansas have the data to build a nuclear bomb. It’s called the internet. The issue is having the ingredients. I have the data to make a 20-foot-high Smurf statue out of Megan Fox’s liver -- the problem is getting the liver.
5. Lady Gaga says she will now be going on a concert tour without Kanye West. Mainly because the strip clubs wouldn’t let him on stage. However, Kanye has announced that he's going on her tour anyway.
Friday, October 2, 2009
10/2
1. Former French President Jacques Chirac is giving up his dog because it’s become too violent. Chirac’s spokesman said (true) that the dog is now enjoying life on a farm in the French countryside. Yeah, I heard that one when I was a kid too. Next, Chirac is going to tell us the farm is owned by his Canadian girlfriend.
2. David Letterman has become embroiled in a sex scandal, continuing his quest to provide hard dilemmas for aspiring late-night joke writers.
3. Tiger Woods has become the first athlete to earn $1 billion. So now during the PGA’s pro/am tournaments, where pro golfers play a round with wealthy contributors, Woods just plays by himself.
4. The “Wizard of Oz” is being released in a digitally remastered version that was long demanded by LSD users around the world. Actually, it would have come out sooner, but after denying J.K. Rowling the Medal of Freedom, the Bush administration tried to stop the “Wizard of Oz” for also promoting witchcraft.
5. Europe’s Herschel telescope has used two telescopic cameras to take the most detailed photos ever of our galaxy. It’s supposed to have three cameras, but the third one, run by the Dutch (true), is currently down. Because in a country where both pot and hookers are legal, it’s not surprising that people aren’t focusing so much on their telescopes.
2. David Letterman has become embroiled in a sex scandal, continuing his quest to provide hard dilemmas for aspiring late-night joke writers.
3. Tiger Woods has become the first athlete to earn $1 billion. So now during the PGA’s pro/am tournaments, where pro golfers play a round with wealthy contributors, Woods just plays by himself.
4. The “Wizard of Oz” is being released in a digitally remastered version that was long demanded by LSD users around the world. Actually, it would have come out sooner, but after denying J.K. Rowling the Medal of Freedom, the Bush administration tried to stop the “Wizard of Oz” for also promoting witchcraft.
5. Europe’s Herschel telescope has used two telescopic cameras to take the most detailed photos ever of our galaxy. It’s supposed to have three cameras, but the third one, run by the Dutch (true), is currently down. Because in a country where both pot and hookers are legal, it’s not surprising that people aren’t focusing so much on their telescopes.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
10/1
1. There is growing anger in Egypt about special devices that let women fake virginity on their wedding night. The devices apparently make women appear to be one of the Jonas Brothers. Islamic scholars are mixed about whether continuing to have sex would make the husband gay.
2. Pre-orders of Sarah Palin’s new memoir have been enormous. Publishers are ecstatic, because it could open a whole new market among people who have never bought a book before. Palin’s book is called “Going Rogue”, which caused confusion for some buyers who thought it was the upcoming memoir of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, “Going Brogue”.
3. A new study says that children who eat candy every day are more likely to become violent adults. However, not letting kids have candy is more likely to make them violent right now.
4. Last night, the Empire State Building was lit red and yellow to celebrate the anniversary of communist rule in China. Very surprisingly, this caused some controversy. But critics forgot that the name of the building is the EMPIRE State Building. It’s like you shouldn’t be surprised if North Korea has a party at Central Park’s Stalinist Dictatorship Skating Rink.
5. Yesterday, Madonna said that she would rather get hit by a train than get married again. Well, why can’t you do both?
2. Pre-orders of Sarah Palin’s new memoir have been enormous. Publishers are ecstatic, because it could open a whole new market among people who have never bought a book before. Palin’s book is called “Going Rogue”, which caused confusion for some buyers who thought it was the upcoming memoir of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, “Going Brogue”.
3. A new study says that children who eat candy every day are more likely to become violent adults. However, not letting kids have candy is more likely to make them violent right now.
4. Last night, the Empire State Building was lit red and yellow to celebrate the anniversary of communist rule in China. Very surprisingly, this caused some controversy. But critics forgot that the name of the building is the EMPIRE State Building. It’s like you shouldn’t be surprised if North Korea has a party at Central Park’s Stalinist Dictatorship Skating Rink.
5. Yesterday, Madonna said that she would rather get hit by a train than get married again. Well, why can’t you do both?
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