5/31

1. Yesterday, the great speed-eating champions Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut tried to eat the most pizzas in six minutes. The recession is taking a toll on them, though, because their next competition will be over ketchup packets.

2. The last survivor of the Titanic passed away yesterday. We are now preparing for the next major Titanic event in 2093, when the last survivor of the movie “Titanic” is expected to pass away.

3. General Motors will announce its bankruptcy tomorrow. There was a last minute push to allow the carmaker to use some credit cards, but because of the new credit card laws, GM is now too risky.

4. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is visiting the Chinese to reassure them that we are going to control our deficits. How nice to see us go the Chinese like a guy behind in his rent. Hey, we’ll be good, really. Trust us.

5. Scientists have now recreated a musical instrument that was used for nearly two thousand years, then abandoned about three centuries ago. Yeah, I wonder why people stopped playing that? That would be so easy to bring to school.

5/30

1. Two years ago, a man in Britain was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so like most people, he went to a bookie. Every year he survives, he gets a payout. Maybe this is the answer to the health insurance crisis -- let Vegas run it. This reminds me of when I was 18 and bet on whether I would lose my virginity that year. And it’s been paying off ever since! Suckers!

2. Journalist Roxana Saberi has returned to Fargo, North Dakota after being released from prison in Iran. On a sad note, however, she now has to live in North Dakota.

3. The president and first lady were in New York last night, because the president promised he would take her to a Broadway show after the campaign. But isn’t Obama’s whole presidency like a Broadway show so far? I half expect Congress to break out into songs from West Side Story. “When you’re a Dem, you’re a Dem all the way.”

4. A jewel thief in Paris stole $8 million worth of gems. And the most amazing thing is they were all cubic zirconia. He apparently had to steal a dump truck too.

5. Did you hear about these British politicians who got caught taking bribes in an undercover police sting? One politician actually said he knew it was a police sting, so he made bigger and bigger demands to “flush out the truth”. Yeah, like I knew my girlfriend was trying to trick me into having an affair, so I went all the way and had sex with that woman.

5/29

1. A new study says you can tell people’s personalities from the way they hold a drink, which helps to figure out if they’re approachable. For example, this is a wallflower [show silhouette]. And this would be a more aggressive personality [show silhouette of a person holding the bottle over their head by the neck, as if ready to hit someone with it]. And this is a person who is extremely easy to approach, but you might not want to [show silhouette of homeless guy with a drink in a brown paper bag]. And this person means you’re at a party at my house [show silhouette of a person sticking a bottle up his ass].

2. Some headlines are saying that a corpse found in a basement in Germany "may be Luxemburg". The country has been missing since last November. Police are currently questioning Germany, which is still on probation after kidnapping much larger countries about 60 years ago. It’s the most famous national kidnapping since the 1994 kidnapping of France. France was later discovered to not be kidnapped after all -- people had just stopped caring about it.

3. Phil Spector will have to serve 19 years in prison before coming up for parole. However, his hair got life.

4. President Obama has formed a cyberteam to protect the country against groups who disable our computers and make normal life impossible. The team’s first action is going to be to shut down Microsoft.

5. Did you hear about this baby in Illinois who was given a gun permit? The baby was apparently trying to defend himself from relentless stalkers who keep hiding and then emerging from their hands all day.

5/28

1. Time Warner and AOL are now finally going to split. The head of Time Warner said that AOL can now fulfill its potential to be “a leading independent internet company”. Yeah, my girlfriend told me something like that just before she dumped me too. “I don’t think you can fulfill your potential in this relationship.”

2. The prime minister of Italy insists that he has NOT had an affair with an underage girl and will resign if he turns out to be lying. I like that he feels he should be thrown out for lying, but not necessarily for the statutory rape.

3. The Catholic priest who was caught making out with his girlfriend on a beach in Miami has, surprise, decided to become an Anglican. Man, after all this, why not just go all the way and become a Mormon? Gay Catholic priests often become Anglican too. The Anglicans are kind of like the Marines -- they’ll take the people other religions don’t want.

4. Malaria in Cambodia is now becoming resistant to drugs, and one of the main reasons is that criminals sell fake drugs, which help strengthen parasites. Wonderful. Maybe they can join up with the Somali pirates and attack some food-aid ships.

5. A group of blonde women in Latvia is going to hold a parade to make people there feel better about the recession. They thought about doing that in New York too, but couldn’t find enough natural blondes.

5/27

1. A new cancer drug can apparently make patients’ fingerprints disappear. Maybe that’s why we’ve seen so much more cancer in some parts of Italy. “Man, something really causes a lot of cancer in these Mafia guys.”

2. A new study says that smokers trying to quit will do better when they use internet quitting programs. Of course, then they have internet addiction. Which causes them to lose their jobs. Which causes them to start smoking again.

3. The Iraqi government has put out arrest warrants for nearly 1,000 officials that it says are corrupt. Which cancels out any return visits by some members of the Bush administration.

4. The National Spelling Bee is coming up, and last year’s winner, plus the two favorites to win this year, all want to be neurosurgeons. Maybe they’ll be able to figure out the brain deformity that’s erased the ability of the rest of their generation to spell.

5. You know the 2000 Supreme Court case between George Bush and Al Gore? The attorneys from both sides are now trying to overturn Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage. Finally, we’re seeing something that’s a uniter, not a divider.

5/25

1. Well, it looks like another setback for American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert. If he stays home in California, he’ll never get married. The California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriage. This might be the first time you ever hear someone in Hollywood say: “I’ve had enough of this redneck state! Let’s move to Iowa.”

2. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor grew up in a housing project in the Bronx, and I love that British newspapers call it a “housing estate”. That’s what they call them over there. It makes it all sound so genteel. “Oh, I grew up on a housing estate, where people smoked flammable Colombian caviar, known in America as ‘crack’.”

3. A new study shows that crows can use tools in a variety of situations, are very intelligent, and are amazing at problem solving. Great, even more competition in the job market.

4. The latest episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” got the highest ratings on TV this week. You have to wonder -- how did he think he could get away with an affair? “Hmm, I’ll have cameras track my entire life, every minute of every day. This will be great for meeting other chicks!”

5. A Canadian politician has eaten a raw seal heart to show her sympathy for native hunters. As a representative of the Queen of England, however, the politician has more experience with eating the hearts of young virgins.

BEST OF THE WEEK

A new study shows that chemicals in cancerous tumors can cause depression. Really? I always thought those people got depressed because they HAD CANCER!

Well, it looks like another setback for American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert. If he stays home in California, he’ll never get married. The California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriage. So some of the states that now allow gay marriage are Massachusetts, Maine, Iowa… This might be the first time you ever hear someone in Hollywood say: “I’m tired of this redneck state! Let’s move to Iowa.”

The video-sharing website YouTube said that one day this week people put hundreds of pornographic videos on the site. That was good news, though, because it was the lowest number ever. Usually people put thousands.

The great yoga master Pattabhi Jois died this week. Luckily they’ll save money on the coffin, because they can just roll him up in a ball.

A new study shows that crows can use tools in a variety of situations, are very intelligent, and are amazing at problem solving. Great, even more competition in the job market.

In France, the Church of Scientology is on trial for defrauding a woman out of her money. But I don’t think she should get her cash back just for renting “Jerry Maguire”.

After a long silence, the police finally released information on a group of American terrorists who wanted to bomb synagogues, saying that they are “extremely violent” and “eager to bring death to Jews”. Really? I never would have guessed that. I thought they had a thing against six-pointed stars. Maybe they were fundamentalist geometry teachers. “Stars should only have five points!”

The Somali pirate captured by the U.S. Navy last month says that he’s innocent. Yeah, he was just out for a swim. A hundred miles from shore. He’s tired of the Kenyans winning all those marathons, so he decided to become a triathlete.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has begun his presidential campaign. He has a very busy schedule. At 11 a.m. there’s a barbecue of the American flag, then a talk at the Qom chapter of Women for the Death of Israel. And in the afternoon he’ll be judging a watermelon-eating contest.

5/24

1. In France, the Church of Scientology is on trial for defrauding a woman out of her money. But I don’t think she should get her cash back for renting “Jerry Maguire”.

2. A court in Greece released 17 British men who were arrested for dressing like nuns. These days, you’d think churches would be happy that anybody likes to dress like nuns.

3. A small explosion took place at a Starbucks in Manhattan this morning. They finally reached the physical limit for new marketing strategies. When they tried to add a new one about squirrels dancing in the coffee, the store just physically couldn’t take it anymore.

4. Microsoft is thinking of changing the name of its new search engine to “Bing”, because of problems with its original name: “Who Cares?” I think “Bing” is the sound it makes when it tries to work.

5. North Korea detonated another nuclear bomb yesterday, showing that its incredibly poor and evil government can split the atom, even if they can’t split pea soup.

5/23

1. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has begun his presidential campaign. He has a very busy schedule. At 11 a.m. there’s a barbecue of the American flag, then a talk at the Qom chapter of Women for the Death of Israel. And in the afternoon he’ll be judging a watermelon-eating contest.

2. The next head of NASA is going to be its first permanent African-American leader, which has white supremacist groups up in arms. “First they got America with Obama, and now they have outer space? We’re done for!”

3. President Obama is looking for a Supreme Court justice who understands the “practical day-to-day” results of living. He cited the controversial 2006 ruling that required all parakeets in Michigan to wear dildos. Yes, it IS in the Constitution, buried in a little known passage discussing postage stamps, but it’s very difficult in a practical sense.

4. Some congressmen are saying that climate change is not important as healthcare right now. But isn’t climate change about healthcare for the planet? We need Earth healthcare.

5. The new “Night at the Museum” sequel beat the new “Terminator” movie at the box office, showing once again that the manufacturing industry is having a bad year. The government should help bail out the psychopathic robot industry.

5/22

1. Did you see this photo of a soldier in Afghanistan who got woken up by gunfire, and he was so ready to help his comrades, that he rushed to his position in flip-flops and pink boxer shorts? Now, honestly, that is a dedicated soldier. But this reminds me of the time I did a USO trip to Afghanistan and got woken up by gunfire. [Show picture of @@@ superimposed in Afghanistan wearing leather S&M gear.]

2. A new study says that fathers-to-be gain about 14 pounds during the mothers’ pregnancy. And 25% of the men said they gained the weight to make their partners feel better about getting heavier. Yeah, right. “Oh honey, I’m eating this entire pizza for you.”

3. A court has now ruled that cigarette companies lied by claiming that some cigarettes were healthier than others. But the cigarette companies say that when they called some cigarettes “light”, they didn’t mean the cigarettes were healthier. They just didn’t weigh as much, so that people wouldn’t have to lug around those heavy packs all the time.

4. The movie “Terminator Salvation” opened last night. I don’t want to give away anything from the plot, but I hear that Christian Bale plays an ‘intense’ character. Also, the final battle is won because the factories building the Terminators goes bankrupt. They’re apparently just not fuel-efficient enough.

5. Did you hear about this three-year-old in New Zealand who bought a giant earth-digger from an online auction site? Even I can’t do that successfully.

5/21

1. The video-sharing website YouTube said that one day this week people put hundreds of pornographic videos on the site. That was good news, though, because it was the lowest number ever. Usually people put thousands.

2. After a long silence, the police finally released information on a group of American terrorists who wanted to bomb synagogues, saying that they are “extremely violent” and “eager to bring death to Jews”. Really? I never would have guessed that. I thought they had a thing against six-pointed stars. Maybe they were fundamentalist geometry teachers. “Stars should only have five points!”

3. The Somali pirate captured by the U.S. Navy last month says that he’s innocent. Yeah, he was just out for a swim. A hundred miles from shore. He’s tired of the Kenyans winning all those marathons, so he decided to become a triathlete.

4. A new study says that vitamin D is vital for a healthy brain. But the best way to get vitamin D is from sunlight. So that means you’ll be fully sharp and aware through all the chemotherapy for your skin cancer.

5. A t-shirt with three wolves baying at the moon has become one of the biggest-selling items on the website Amazon. The reason? The reviews. This is an actual review on Amazon: “After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.” Another review says: “I do have one complaint, and that's that I must stay indoors on windy days. Last fall we had a windy day and I received notice that hundreds of women were suddenly pregnant, carrying my offspring, up to 12 miles away.” We wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so we ordered one of the shirts. I’m going to try it on right now. [Put on shirt. Screen goes black. Return with shirt off again.] Sorry folks, we apparently had a pheromone blackout. The excessive manliness of the shirt blew the electricity. That’s also why I have to shave my chest before work.

5/20

1. The great yoga master Pattabhi Jois died this week. Luckily they’ll save money on the coffin, because they can just roll him up in a ball.

2. Barack Obama and Dick Cheney will both give speeches on anti-terrorism policy today. Do you think they’ll have different things to say? As part of Obama’s anti-terrorism policy, though, he’s planning on stopping Cheney’s speech.

3. Yesterday, a doctor in Australia used a common household drill to do brain surgery. And last year, Australian doctors kept a man alive with an IV of pure vodka. I that hear next year, Australian doctors are planning to use a leaf blower, but they’re just not sure how yet.

4. New laws say that credit card companies have to be more truthful about their policies. In fact, American Express just started mailing out envelopes reading: “You’ve already been pre-approved to buy useless junk and make us rich!”

5. Michael Vick is moving from prison to home confinement today. There are hopes that he will one day be able to re-enter society just like his dogs -- with lots of love, plenty of walks, and a good tummy rub.

5/19

1. A new study shows that chemicals in cancerous tumors can cause depression. Really? I always thought those people got depressed because they HAD CANCER!

2. A new study says that drinking too much cola can cause fatigue and tiredness. But wouldn’t that be balanced by all the caffeine?

3. The massive Komodo dragon, the world’s largest lizard, apparently uses venom when it kills its prey. The same is true of Donald Trump.

4. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that stronger ties between China and Brazil are troubling. Because if the Chinese ever started doing Carnival too, it would completely wipe out the world’s supply of rum and naked dancers.

5. An amazing new fossil has been discovered that is so good, you can see its last meal. I never want to become a fossil, because that would be kind of embarrassing. Cheerios, M&Ms…

BEST OF THE WEEK

As a protest against his record label, the musician Danger Mouse is going to release a blank CD. Yeah, Jessica Simpson tried that too, but it backfired, because critics called it her best ever. But you know, Danger Mouse got the idea from my old band. You may have heard of us. We were called “Sony”. The album was called “CD-ROM five-pack”. I have to admit, I didn’t want to release a quintuple album, but it’s become the biggest selling album of all time.

President Obama has chosen the governor of Utah to be ambassador to China, because the governor has the best understanding of what it’s like to run a repressive cultish government.

A Catholic priest in Poland has just published a sex guide for couples. Isn’t that like Nancy Pelosi putting out a guide for improving your memory? The book’s first chapter is: “Bring the excitement back to driving your lover to grade school.”

A new study says that not retiring can keep people from developing dementia. Of course, at my job, not retiring would be seen AS a sign of dementia.

An American couple in Egypt has been arrested for attempting to adopt twins there. Man, don’t go all the way to Egypt. Just do what I do -- go to the local playground and grab one. It’s not hard if you have a car. And twins? How many spare kidneys do you need?

A new study shows that only 38% of northwest Pakistan is under government control. 38%! We’ve reached a point where the Taliban is more successful than General Motors.

Today, the classified ad website Craig’s List decided to stop its “erotic services” section. I know, I’m disappointed too. Instead, this is true, they’re going to change it to “adult services”. Wow, that’ll show ‘em! They’re also going to manually review each ad to see if it’s for prostitution, even if it means going and meeting these people face-to-face, at their apartments, for up to an hour. They are willing to do what it takes!

Did you hear about these prison guards in Florida who shocked kids with stun guns on Take Your Kid to Work Day? Yeah, this is going to make kids want to join the work force. Still, it’s better than temping.

Nancy Pelosi says the CIA did not tell her that it was using waterboarding. It only told her that waterboarding had been approved. That’s like going to your wife and saying: “Hey honey, I‘ve picked out my next mistress and got a hotel room, but trust me, we're not going to actually do anything.”

5/18

1. A new study says that continuing to work can keep people from developing dementia. Of course, at my job, not retiring would be seen AS a sign of dementia.

2. Scientists have found the gene that decides when a girl begins to menstruate. Fathers around the world besieged the scientists to get it knocked out.

3. Apparently, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld used to put Bible quotes on his reports about the Iraq War for President Bush. But Bush put a stop to it, because it was freaking him out. You know, things like “Always remember to turn the other cheek”.

4. After prostate surgery, it is now possible to have a pain-free recovery. Yeah, but you still have to get the follow-up.

5. Sri Lanka has declared victory in its war against the Tamil Tigers. Wow, this knee injury has really been bad for Tiger Woods.

5/16

1. As a protest against his record label, the musician Danger Mouse is going to release a blank CD. Yeah, Jessica Simpson tried that too, but it backfired, because critics called it her best ever. But you know, Danger Mouse got the idea from my old band. You may have heard of us. We were called “Sony”. The album was called “CD-ROM five-pack”. I have to admit, I didn’t think it was a good idea to release a quintuple album, but it’s become the biggest selling album of all time.

2. China is opening up its first sex theme park, because it certainly isn’t happening in their bedrooms. The authorities thought, “Hey, maybe if we made sex into a roller coaster!”

3. Two people who work at Yellowstone National Park were fired after someone filmed them peeing into Old Faithful. Maybe they were jealous. Aren’t geysers just Mother Nature’s way to urinate?

4. Did you hear about this pitcher for the Los Angeles Angels who was thrown out of a game after only two pitches? Can we see the two pitches? [Show clip from game, but have ball go into stands and knock out a child wearing a shirt of the opposing team.] Now that might have been coincidence, but check out the second pitch. [Clip of second pitch, but this time it hits the paramedic carrying the boy out.] Nasty. I think he deserved it.

5. The filly Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness Stakes horse race today. Yes, it was a great day for feminism -- an end to the macho reputation of horse racing [see picture below]! Hmm. Personally, thinking of naked women and sweaty horses just gives me bad memories.

5/15

1. President Obama has chosen the governor of Utah to be ambassador to China, because the governor has the best understanding of what it’s like to run a repressive cultish government.

2. Did you hear about these prison guards in Florida who shocked kids with stun guns on Take Your Kid to Work Day? Yeah, this is going to make kids want to join the work force. Still, it’s better than temping.

3. Now the federal government is giving bailout money to life insurance companies. Let the irony landslide begin. Life insurers getting life insurance payments. But doesn’t this mean that they’re dead?

4. So the Congress party is ahead in the elections in India. That’s good, because Congress isn’t doing so well here. Maybe Nancy Pelosi can get a job there.

5. The Venezuelan government has now seized an American pasta factory. Yes, because for far too long, spaghetti has been a meal that only the wealthy can eat. I hear next he’s going to socialize a generic corn flakes factory.

5/14

1. A Catholic priest in Poland has just published a sex guide for couples. Isn’t that like Nancy Pelosi putting out a guide for improving your memory? The book’s first chapter is: “Bring the excitement back to driving your lover to grade school.”

2. A new study says that if the West Antarctic Ice Sheet collapses, the oceans won’t rise 18 feet, but only 10. Whew! So that means only one story of downtown New York will be flooded. Because I’m on the second floor. Everything is going to be okay.

3. An American couple in Egypt has been arrested for attempting to adopt twins there. Man, just do what I do -- go to the local playground and grab one. It’s not hard if you have a car. And twins? How many spare kidneys do you need?

4. A new study says that ginger relieves nausea during chemotherapy. However, unfortunately, nausea increased with MaryAnn or Gilligan.

5. Nancy Pelosi says the CIA did not tell her that it was using waterboarding. It only told her that waterboarding had been approved. That’s like going to your wife and saying: “Hey honey, I‘ve picked out my next mistress and got a hotel room, but trust me, we‘re not going to actually do anything.”

5/13

1. Today, the classified ad website Craig’s List decided to stop its “erotic services” section. I know, I’m disappointed too. Instead, this is true, they’re going to change it to “adult services”. Wow, that’ll show ‘em! They’re also going to manually review each ad to see if it’s for prostitution, even if it means going and meeting these people face-to-face, at their apartments, for up to an hour. They are willing to do what it takes!

2. A new study shows that only 38% of northwest Pakistan is under government control. 38%! We’ve reached a point where the Taliban is more successful than General Motors.

3. A new study shows that women have better immune systems than men. Yeah, this is a big surprise to wives.

4. The computer chip maker Intel just got a $1.45 billion fine for anti-competitive practices. Or as it’s known in financial circles: the European speed trap. “Economy’s down? Get out the anti-competitive regulations!”

5. The Pope yesterday called for a Palestinian state. So did George Clooney, though the Pope doesn’t have quite the influence of Clooney.

5/12

1. So DNA testing is finding more and more people who got switched at birth. But it doesn’t just happen at birth. I got switched at 25. I went to the wrong house at Thanksgiving. At first, I was like: “You people are not my parents!” And they said: “Por qué lo dices?” Eventually, I decided that I must just be paranoid. So I became a Rodriguez, learned Spanish, went to parades for La Raza, and the whole time, my real parents had taken in this 25-year-old Guatemalan. I didn’t find out until about a year ago, when we got our DNA tested.

2. Do you know there are now full frontal topless photos of Miss California online? I just lost about half of my online audience...

3. Some guy put a fake quote on Wikipedia for a French composer who had just died, and major newspapers used the quote in their obituaries. He fooled tons of major newspapers! Here’s the quote: “Doodz! Eminem rulz!!” Spelled with z’s, by the way. To be fair, though, the French use a lot more z’s.

4. A new study says that hyenas only use giggles in times of conflict. Well, that’s when I laugh too. “Hey man, don’t hit me.”

5. Did you hear about this mailman who stole stamps and sold them to pay off his mortgage? Why can’t he do that the old-fashioned mailman way? Just go into work with a gun, surrender to police, then get money from your TV and book deals.

BEST OF THE WEEK

On Saturday, mailmen across the country picked up food donations for the hungry in addition to mail. Now, if you left potato chips, would that count as “junk mail”?

This week, the Pope warned against the misuse of religion for political ends. Yes, that’s very meaningful, coming from Europe’s only surviving THEOCRACY. You are the political leader of a country based entirely on religion! That’s like Fox warning other networks about making too many reality shows.

Wanda Sykes gave the annual comic speech at the White House Correspondents dinner, and compared Rush Limbaugh to a terrorist. Osama bin Laden immediately released a statement: “Hey, we’re not as bad as Limbaugh! That‘s very offensive.”

A new study says snails that use less energy are more likely to live. The quote I liked best from the scientists was: “We could recover the dead because… they didn’t move more than a couple meters each year.” Wow, they could do a study of my uncle Jimmy too.

The prime minister of Pakistan has ordered his military to “eliminate militants and terrorists”. So you mean that wasn’t their job before? Kind of late to the game, aren’t you? Next you’ll be urging the military to “use guns”.

Amy Winehouse had to stop a concert yesterday due to “technical” difficulties. Yes, because she is “technically” a drug addict.

Actress Mia Farrow has now ended her hunger strike in support of Darfur. I know, you were all very worried. The reaction from Darfur was: “You mean, you’re going hungry on purpose!? So the people trying to kill us are crazy AND the people trying to help us are crazy? This is not good.”

Two Americans who chipped off a piece of the Roman Coliseum 25 years ago have now returned the piece with an apology. And apparently they weren’t the only ones. Look at this picture. Almost half of it is gone! They even took the floor! That happened during a party at my house once too.

5/11

1. A new study says snails that use less energy are more likely to live. The quote I liked best from the scientists was: “We could recover the dead because… they didn’t move more than a couple meters each year.” Wow, they could do a study of my uncle Jimmy too.

2. Did you hear about this high school in Ohio that suspended a student for going to prom at another school? It’s because his school forbids dancing, rock music, and holding hands. Wow, a school that makes sure guys don’t dance or hold hands? A lot of guys are trying to get into that school. Until they learn that you can’t have sex either. The couple is now thinking of taking a vacation in a far more hedonistic place, like Utah or Iran.

3. The new American commander in Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal, is part of Osama’s “push away from conventional military planning, and towards modern asymmetric fighting”. Hmm, haven’t we heard that from someone else? Last name of Bumsfeld, or Rumsgeld, or something like that?

4. Did you hear about this kid in England who painted a 60-foot penis on the roof of his parents’ house? And they didn’t realize it for a year! I didn’t realize about my 60-foot penis for a year too. Of course, mine was real.

5. Wanda Sykes gave the annual comic speech at the White House Correspondents dinner, and compared Rush Limbaugh to a terrorist. Osama bin Laden immediately released a statement: “Hey, we’re not as bad as Limbaugh! We’re very offended.”

5/9

1. The guy at the White House who decided to fly an airliner around New York with a fighter jet has resigned. He was disappointed, because it was right before his giant wave simulator off the coast of Indonesia. You see, the rule is that you don’t re-enact disasters until the technology is outdated and the only people who want to do it are geeks, like with Civil War re-enactments or Renaissance Fairs. If you have a bunch of guys in Confederate uniforms charging Washington DC these days, it’s not a big deal.

2. Actress Mia Farrow has now ended her hunger strike in support of Darfur. I know, you were all very worried. The reaction from Darfur was: “You mean, you’re going hungry on purpose!? So the people trying to kill us are crazy AND the people trying to help us are crazy? This is not good.”

3. On Saturday, mailmen across the country picked up food donations for the hungry in addition to mail. Now, if you left potato chips, would that count as “junk mail”?

4. This week, the Pope warned against the misuse of religion for political ends. Yes, that’s very meaningful, coming from Europe’s only surviving THEOCRACY. You are the political leader of a country based entirely on religion! That’s like Fox warning other networks about making too many reality shows.

5. Amy Winehouse had to stop a concert yesterday due to “technical” difficulties. Yes, because she is “technically” a drug addict.

5/8

1. The crown of the Statue of Liberty is going to reopen on the 4th of July. Finally, I’m going to be able to get inside the head of a woman!

2. A new study says that female gorillas clap to communicate. Which means the only difference between them and humans is that we have standing ovations.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to appear in the new Terminator movie, but as a computer special effect. But hasn’t he always been a special effect? Maybe they can use computers to improve his pronunciation.

4. Sikh policemen in Britain, with the turbans on their heads, want to develop bulletproof turbans. Yeah, like right-wing conspiracy theorists don’t have enough to get crazy about.

5. Kentucky Fried Chicken has had to give people rain checks after they had too many people using coupons for free meals. The chickens of America were grateful.

5/7

1. Two Americans who chipped off a piece of the Roman Coliseum 25 years ago have now returned the piece with an apology. And apparently they weren’t the only ones. Look at this picture. Almost half of it is gone! They even took the floor! That happened during a party at my house once too.

2. The prime minister of Pakistan has ordered his military to “eliminate militants and terrorists”. So, you mean that wasn’t their job before? You’re kind of late to the game, aren’t you? Next you’ll be urging the military to “use guns”.

3. In Europe, Muslims were found to identify with their home country even more than the general population. For example, 77% of British Muslims identified with Britain, but for the rest of the population, it was only 50%. Now, I’m not sure what this says about Muslims, but it does say something about the rest of the British population. The British government needs to show that it cares about British people, or else the British are going to take over and turn Britain into a British country.

4. The U.S. government says that none of the banks that it tested are at risk of going out of business. That’s comforting coming from a government that’s almost out of money.

5. The only pig in Afghanistan is now being quarantined. It was an unexpected way to announce the surprise visit by Rush Limbaugh.

5/6

1. Bank stress tests have now been released, and Bank of America is in a lot of trouble. But then the government revealed that they actually meant it in the plural: Banks of America.

2. A new study says that the United States has more zombie computers than any other country in the world. And thanks to Apple, we also have the most computer users who are zombies.

3. McDonald’s is launching a $100 million campaign to promote its coffee drinks, in order to compete with Starbucks. And in response, Starbucks has begun offering their version of Quarter Pounders, which they call “Quarti Poundezzas”.

4. Russia has expelled two Canadian diplomats because NATO expelled two Russian diplomats for spying. Look, isn’t there already enough unemployment in the world?

5. Coca Cola says that just two people know the secret formula to its soda. That means we only have to kill two...

5/5

1. A new study says that the painter Vincent Van Gogh did not cut off his own ear. Instead, another painter, Paul Gauguin, cut it off with a sword during a fight. They agreed to not tell the police, so that Gauguin would not get in trouble. Excuse me? HE CUT OFF YOUR EAR! “Oh, hey man, sorry. You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?” I have to say -- I have some good friends. But if they cut off my ear -- with a sword -- ON PURPOSE -- all bets are off. What kind of dirt did Gauguin have on Van Gogh that he would agree to this? He makes Dick Cheney look like an amateur.

2. A new male contraceptive has been developed, where the men get a shot that limits the production of sperm. Yeah, I got a shot like that on the playground in the fifth grade. Well, maybe it was more like a kick.

3. The U.S. is continuing to push Israel about the "two-state solution", in which Israel agrees to stop oppressing the Palestinians, and in exchange, we give them the two states of Idaho and Vermont.

4. Scientists in Britain have built a Formula 3 racing car made from vegetables. The whole thing is made from vegetables! Tall about playing with your food. And it’s fueled with chocolate. What a waste of perfectly good chocolate.

5. Washington DC has now said it will recognize same-sex marriages from other states. Former mayor Marion Barry voted against the law. He said that he resents being called a bigot for opposing the law. Yes, I’m sure most bigots do.

BEST OF THE WEEK

The prime minister of Italy is getting a divorce, because his wife says he flirts with younger women. She says she didn’t realize this when they married, back when he was 53 and she was 34!

A tsunami apparently hit New York City about 2,300 years ago, completely flooding what is now Wall Street. Yeah, thanks, God! About 2,300 years too late.

Somali pirates have now seized a Greek ship. I hear they entered the ship from behind.

Doctors are now warning that if you have flu symptoms and have recently visited areas of Mexico, you should get medical advice. Well, I’ve got flu-like symptoms, and I recently went inside a restaurant kitchen in Manhattan. Does that count?

The favorite horse to win the Kentucky Derby this year is named “I Want Revenge”. It’s jointly owned by everyone with a savings account at Citibank.

The website Amazon is going to introduce a large-screen version of its electronic book Kindle. Yeah, I bought one of those, but it broke when I tried to dog-ear it.

A new study says that children might be affected if their fathers have mental disorders. Really? That’s a surprise. I would have thought kids wouldn’t mind their fathers being crazy.

In Venezuela, the wait for a new car is so long that used cars now cost more than new ones. Oddly enough, that’s how it also works for Kleenex used by Brad Pitt.

On President Obama's 100th day in office, Republican Senator Arlen Specter said that he would become a Democrat, giving the Democrats 59 votes in the Senate. Here’s a picture of Specter announcing the switch.

5/4

1. The website Amazon is going to introduce a large-screen of its electronic book called Kindle. Yeah, I bought one of those, but it broke when I tried to dog-ear it.

2. A new study says that children are affected if their fathers have mental disorders. Really? Now that’s a surprise. I would have thought kids wouldn’t mind their fathers being crazy.

3. In Venezuela, the wait for a new car is so long that a used car now costs more than a new one. Oddly enough, that’s how it also works for Kleenex used by Brad Pitt.

4. People are saying that Obama will pick a woman to be the new Supreme Court justice. And even if Obama picks a guy, one of the conditions will be that he change his gender.

5. Ron Howard says that his new movie has been hampered by the Vatican. Yes, how surprising that an autocratic theocracy would take steps to hamper the shooting of a movie.

5/3

1. The prime minister of Italy is getting a divorce, because his wife says he flirts with younger women. She says she didn’t realize this when they married, back when he was 53 and she was 34!

2. A tsunami apparently hit New York City about 2,300 years ago, completely flooding what is now Wall Street. Yeah, thanks, God! About 2,300 years too late.

3. Because of swine flu, China just put a bunch of Mexican travelers in quarantine. That reverses the usual trend. Usually it’s Mexico putting Chinese in quarantine.

4. President Obama said yesterday that it’s not such a bad thing for more college grads to go into fields besides finance. Like special effects. And magic. Those are all pretty much the same thing.

5. Two Alaskans have tied in the annual contest to guess what time the ice will break up on a particular river. This is what they do for fun in Alaska. Is it any wonder this is the same state that produced Sarah Palin?

5/2

1. Did you hear about this plane in Washington that safely crash-landed onto a bunch of port-o-potties? Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go. The crash was also softened when the toilets turned out to be full of Charmin.

2. Somali pirates have now seized a Greek ship. I hear they entered the ship from behind.

3. Doctors are now warning that if you have flu symptoms and have recently visited areas of Mexico, you should get medical advice. Well, I’ve got flu-like symptoms, and I recently went into a restaurant kitchen in Manhattan. Does that count?

4. So Obama is now going to get to pick a new Supreme Court justice. There are suggestions that he may pick someone from Chicago. Well, judges in Chicago certainly have experience with big cases.

5. Reports say that billionaire investor Warren Buffet is going to face tough questions at his annual shareholders’ meeting. Apparently he lost money this past year. Shocking! What a hack! You don’t see anyone else losing money this year.