1. Did you hear about this guy who went to join the police, and when the police got a look at him, they realized that two months ago, he’d robbed a store! Maybe he thought he could impress them by how much he knew about his own robbery. “Those guys will need more cops to deal with guys like me.” And then he asked whether he could still join! Forget the police! This guy should be working on Wall Street!
2. A team of explorers is going to measure the thickness of the arctic ice to see how fast it’s melting. One sign of what they might find - they’re bringing swimsuits.
3. Hugo Chavez is sending troops to take over plants that produce rice in his country. Literally, he’s sending them to take over the plants. Really really small troops. It’s his legendary Flea Brigade -- kind of like a flea circus, but deadlier. He also took over the nation’s strawberry, banana, and orange plants, because the juice that they supposedly work together to sell in stores is actually mostly apple juice. Have you ever seen the ingredients on those juice cartons? This is, um, guava and elderberry and chicken. Then you check the fine print, and it’s like 95% apple juice. Liars!
4. The earliest ever human footprints have been found in Kenya. Even more impressive were the first ever broom marks sweeping away the mud the guy tracked in.
5. In China, a new food safety law has been passed, requiring food companies to have their products monitored. All additives must be natural, although the law does ban the addition of Tibetans.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
2/27
1. So Will Ferrell has a show on Broadway now. As if New York City hadn’t gone through enough already.
2. Airlines are now considering charging people for using toilets on airplanes. So if you don’t have the cash, you’re really going to start appreciating those vomit bags.
3. The Simpsons is going to become the longest-running TV series of all time. The previous record was Gunsmoke, which is fitting, because that’s about what it’s going to take to stop the Simpsons. And they’re going to keep going until they find a cure for all the characters’ jaundice.
4. It looks like Obama is going to stop federal officials from raiding medical marijuana stores in California. If only there was marijuana for the economy, so that its appetite would come back.
5. President Obama has outlined his plans to have most of our troops out of Iraq by August 2010. He says that he’s trying to take the middle way, since that worked so well for Bush. 50,000 troops would remain behind in an advisory capacity. That’s what our troops in Vietnam were doing too, weren’t they?
2. Airlines are now considering charging people for using toilets on airplanes. So if you don’t have the cash, you’re really going to start appreciating those vomit bags.
3. The Simpsons is going to become the longest-running TV series of all time. The previous record was Gunsmoke, which is fitting, because that’s about what it’s going to take to stop the Simpsons. And they’re going to keep going until they find a cure for all the characters’ jaundice.
4. It looks like Obama is going to stop federal officials from raiding medical marijuana stores in California. If only there was marijuana for the economy, so that its appetite would come back.
5. President Obama has outlined his plans to have most of our troops out of Iraq by August 2010. He says that he’s trying to take the middle way, since that worked so well for Bush. 50,000 troops would remain behind in an advisory capacity. That’s what our troops in Vietnam were doing too, weren’t they?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
2/26
1. Have you heard these people who say that the return of Tiger Woods will help solve the recession? I think we should nationalize him. He could play tournaments around the world to raise money for the States.
2. The Jonas Brothers have released a 3D concert film. That’s a nifty trick, considering that in real life, they’re only 2D.
3. The Rocky Mountain News in Denver is going to shut down, meaning the end of those legendary meetings in the ink room -- the Rocky Mountain Highs.
4. A new study says that knitting helps keep people from going senile. Unfortunately, TV makes people more likely to go senile. But when else are you going to knit? Maybe if you watch TV and knit at the same time, they balance each other out, like drinking and smoking.
5. A new study says that brain training games don’t actually help you stay sharp any more than talking with friends or doing crossword puzzles. Yeah, but what you don’t understand is that Americans don’t go out and they don’t read anymore, so this is all we’ve got!
2. The Jonas Brothers have released a 3D concert film. That’s a nifty trick, considering that in real life, they’re only 2D.
3. The Rocky Mountain News in Denver is going to shut down, meaning the end of those legendary meetings in the ink room -- the Rocky Mountain Highs.
4. A new study says that knitting helps keep people from going senile. Unfortunately, TV makes people more likely to go senile. But when else are you going to knit? Maybe if you watch TV and knit at the same time, they balance each other out, like drinking and smoking.
5. A new study says that brain training games don’t actually help you stay sharp any more than talking with friends or doing crossword puzzles. Yeah, but what you don’t understand is that Americans don’t go out and they don’t read anymore, so this is all we’ve got!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
2/25
1. Two child actors from the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” are going to be moved to better housing, after it was discovered that they’re still living in the slums. You mean they didn’t get paid enough to move into an apartment? Is this the future of movies? We’re going to start outsourcing them to India? The Indian government said that “since the children have made the nation proud, they must be given houses.” Which is the opposite of the way American bailouts work.
2. The government made 750 arrests across the country connected to Mexican drug cartels, including a lot of people in Minnesota. Really? I always thought they were sniffling from the cold.
3. After two failed attempts to nominate a Commerce Secretary, Obama’s latest nominee is named Gary Locke. Locke. I think there was some subconscious decision-making on that one. The back of his mind was thinking: “We have to pick someone who will be a lock. Lock. Gary Locke!”
4. The government has released rules for its test to see if banks are stressed. For example, if instead of ATMs, they’re offering Ambiens.
5. Did you hear about that big plane crash in the Netherlands? It was all over the news. Most of the passengers were revealed to be Turkish instead of European, so then the media could focus on other things.
2. The government made 750 arrests across the country connected to Mexican drug cartels, including a lot of people in Minnesota. Really? I always thought they were sniffling from the cold.
3. After two failed attempts to nominate a Commerce Secretary, Obama’s latest nominee is named Gary Locke. Locke. I think there was some subconscious decision-making on that one. The back of his mind was thinking: “We have to pick someone who will be a lock. Lock. Gary Locke!”
4. The government has released rules for its test to see if banks are stressed. For example, if instead of ATMs, they’re offering Ambiens.
5. Did you hear about that big plane crash in the Netherlands? It was all over the news. Most of the passengers were revealed to be Turkish instead of European, so then the media could focus on other things.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
2/24
1. Have you heard of these internet addiction centers for kids? They take them out to the woods, have them live and play together. Really? Is this how they’re selling summer camp now? I hear they also have a great program for overcoming fear of abandonment. It’s called ‘hide and go seek’.
2. A new study says that smoking makes people look older. But isn’t that why most people start smoking? Be careful what you wish for.
3. More and more kids are moving back in with their parents because of the recession. And a third of retirees now have to help their kids pay for bills. Like Bush.
4. Spain agreed “in principle” to take some Muslim inmates from Guantanamo. This is a change from four hundred years ago. Maybe they’re trying to make amends for that whole Inquisition thing.
5. The head of the federal reserve said that the recession might last into 2010. And immediately, the stock markets bounced back, because Wall Street thought it would last way longer than that.
2. A new study says that smoking makes people look older. But isn’t that why most people start smoking? Be careful what you wish for.
3. More and more kids are moving back in with their parents because of the recession. And a third of retirees now have to help their kids pay for bills. Like Bush.
4. Spain agreed “in principle” to take some Muslim inmates from Guantanamo. This is a change from four hundred years ago. Maybe they’re trying to make amends for that whole Inquisition thing.
5. The head of the federal reserve said that the recession might last into 2010. And immediately, the stock markets bounced back, because Wall Street thought it would last way longer than that.
Monday, February 23, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
I love these news reports saying that Alex Rodriguez has to win back the trust of his teammates. Yeah, you know why they don’t trust him anymore? Because he wouldn’t hook them up with his dealer.
Argentina has deported a British bishop who denies the Holocaust. Now that’s a turn of events. Historically, Argentina was more into importing Holocaust-doers.
In Sweden, the government is going to sue an art student who filmed himself spraying graffiti in a train. The student said the wanted to take graffiti into “new environments”. And he chose a train car? Man, Sweden is way different than the United States. Where do they usually do graffiti there? Restaurants?
Also in Sweden, charges have been dropped against a file-sharing website called Pirate Bay. The website says it wasn’t guilty of copyright piracy, but it might have had a tough time proving that, considering it’s named Pirate Bay!
And what is going on with Sweden? Graffiti. Internet piracy. What happened to Swedes just supplying the world with good old-fashioned porn?
Did you see when “Slumdog Millionaire” won Best Picture at the Oscars? There were more people on stage than in the audience. And folks wonder if India has a problem with overpopulation. The people who escort winners off the stage had no idea what to do. “We haven’t been trained in crowd control.”
Obama’s new nominee for Director of Urban Affairs is Adolfo Carrion. His last name is Carrion. Man, they’re not even trying anymore. They know he’s dead meat.
California passed an emergency budget to make up billions in deficits. The budget includes spending cuts, some borrowing, and Governor Schwarzenegger has agreed to do ten more Terminator movies.
Argentina has deported a British bishop who denies the Holocaust. Now that’s a turn of events. Historically, Argentina was more into importing Holocaust-doers.
In Sweden, the government is going to sue an art student who filmed himself spraying graffiti in a train. The student said the wanted to take graffiti into “new environments”. And he chose a train car? Man, Sweden is way different than the United States. Where do they usually do graffiti there? Restaurants?
Also in Sweden, charges have been dropped against a file-sharing website called Pirate Bay. The website says it wasn’t guilty of copyright piracy, but it might have had a tough time proving that, considering it’s named Pirate Bay!
And what is going on with Sweden? Graffiti. Internet piracy. What happened to Swedes just supplying the world with good old-fashioned porn?
Did you see when “Slumdog Millionaire” won Best Picture at the Oscars? There were more people on stage than in the audience. And folks wonder if India has a problem with overpopulation. The people who escort winners off the stage had no idea what to do. “We haven’t been trained in crowd control.”
Obama’s new nominee for Director of Urban Affairs is Adolfo Carrion. His last name is Carrion. Man, they’re not even trying anymore. They know he’s dead meat.
California passed an emergency budget to make up billions in deficits. The budget includes spending cuts, some borrowing, and Governor Schwarzenegger has agreed to do ten more Terminator movies.
2/23
1. Did you see when “Slumdog Millionaire” won Best Picture last night at the Oscars? There were more people on stage than in the audience. And folks wonder if India has a problem with overpopulation. The people who escort winners off the stage had no idea what to do. “We haven’t been trained in crowd control. We need megaphones or horses.”
2. Bianca Jagger is being sued by a man who found her lost ring and wants a reward. However, Jagger says that the guy took too long to return the ring. I think she might just have a lingering thing about guys returning rings. Plus, the guy’s name is actually Ringler. I think his family has been doing this for a long time.
3. Coca Cola has agreed to sponsor the city of Venice in Italy. Coca Cola will now fill the city’s famous canals, though people are worried that replacing all that polluted seawater with Coca Cola might be more damaging to the buildings. Plus, the gondolas on the canals will be renamed Gondo-colas.
4. Last week, stocks plummeted because investors were worried that the government might nationalize banks. Today, bank shares were up on news that the government… might nationalize the banks. Brokers explained that by “nationalization”, they thought at first that everyone at the bank would have to change their name to Nash.
5. How did you think Hugh Jackman did as host of the Oscars? I guess they were tired of us comedians trying to keep order. We are total losers. Better to go with Wolverine. That’ll keep people in line.
2. Bianca Jagger is being sued by a man who found her lost ring and wants a reward. However, Jagger says that the guy took too long to return the ring. I think she might just have a lingering thing about guys returning rings. Plus, the guy’s name is actually Ringler. I think his family has been doing this for a long time.
3. Coca Cola has agreed to sponsor the city of Venice in Italy. Coca Cola will now fill the city’s famous canals, though people are worried that replacing all that polluted seawater with Coca Cola might be more damaging to the buildings. Plus, the gondolas on the canals will be renamed Gondo-colas.
4. Last week, stocks plummeted because investors were worried that the government might nationalize banks. Today, bank shares were up on news that the government… might nationalize the banks. Brokers explained that by “nationalization”, they thought at first that everyone at the bank would have to change their name to Nash.
5. How did you think Hugh Jackman did as host of the Oscars? I guess they were tired of us comedians trying to keep order. We are total losers. Better to go with Wolverine. That’ll keep people in line.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
2/21
1. Some people are claiming they’ve found the lost city of Atlantis through Google Earth. Yeah, who would have known it would be that easy. The people said they could see lines that were the grid of an urban area. However, it was soon figured out that the underwater lines were actually just the remnants of a giant alien crossword puzzle. So sorry, conspiracy freaks! Not your day! Can we show a shot of that? [Show grid superimposed on the ocean, with various words inserted. A highlights one reads “Rod Blagojevich’s hair”]. Yeah, that highlighted one is the clue for: “Our greatest spy”. He’s a master of disguise!
2. In a speech today, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton urged China to keep buying our treasury bonds. Because a dealer needs its addicts. Now let’s play a game - which of these lines are from Clinton’s speech to the Chinese, and which are from “The Godfather”? (use goomba accent):
“We have to take drastic measures.” Clinton!
“I want to congratulate you on your new business” Godfather!
“We are truly going to rise or fall together.” Clinton!
“Bill, never tell anyone outside the family what you’re thinking again!” A-ha! Tricked you! That was the Godfather!
3. A Bulgarian chess master is playing 360 simultaneous matches, which will establish a new world’s record. In fact, this is the most simultaneous matches since a 1997 Mormon speed-dating night.
4. Under the new tax cuts, an average family might save as much as $65 a month in tax cuts. Wow. That might almost pay for the cable bill. Actually, maybe the government could give people free cable. Then they’ll see ads for products all the time and build up stronger urges to go out and buy things.
5. A list of Oscar winners that was leaked onto the internet has been called fake. The error was discovered when someone noticed that “Wanted” won for Best Sound Mixing, and everyone knows that “The Dark Knight” will get that! C’mon!
2. In a speech today, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton urged China to keep buying our treasury bonds. Because a dealer needs its addicts. Now let’s play a game - which of these lines are from Clinton’s speech to the Chinese, and which are from “The Godfather”? (use goomba accent):
“We have to take drastic measures.” Clinton!
“I want to congratulate you on your new business” Godfather!
“We are truly going to rise or fall together.” Clinton!
“Bill, never tell anyone outside the family what you’re thinking again!” A-ha! Tricked you! That was the Godfather!
3. A Bulgarian chess master is playing 360 simultaneous matches, which will establish a new world’s record. In fact, this is the most simultaneous matches since a 1997 Mormon speed-dating night.
4. Under the new tax cuts, an average family might save as much as $65 a month in tax cuts. Wow. That might almost pay for the cable bill. Actually, maybe the government could give people free cable. Then they’ll see ads for products all the time and build up stronger urges to go out and buy things.
5. A list of Oscar winners that was leaked onto the internet has been called fake. The error was discovered when someone noticed that “Wanted” won for Best Sound Mixing, and everyone knows that “The Dark Knight” will get that! C’mon!
Friday, February 20, 2009
2/20
1. A new prison is being opened at the infamous Abu Ghraib in Iraq. In an attempt to reform its image, the place is now going to be called Baghdad Central Prison. Unfortunately, in Arabic, that’s pronounced “Abu Ghraib”. Gotta work more with those translators.
2. And now even the current governor of Illinois wants Senator Roland Burris to resign. Man, if the governor of Illinois thinks you’re too corrupt, that is a sign.
3. The stock market dropped to its lowest level in six years today, on the news that Tiger Woods will rejoin the PGA. Oh my god, if we thought bankers were doing a bad job now, how well are they going to do if they’re watching golf all the time?
4. There was a lot of speculation today that the U.S. government might have to nationalize some banks. Specifically Tyra Banks. She is just too valuable to leave to the free market.
5. Obama said today that if mayors waste the stimulus money, he will “call them out”. The mayors all said that they welcomed that accountability. Of course they do. What are they going to say. “Hey, up yours, Obama. I’ll waste that money if I want to.”
2. And now even the current governor of Illinois wants Senator Roland Burris to resign. Man, if the governor of Illinois thinks you’re too corrupt, that is a sign.
3. The stock market dropped to its lowest level in six years today, on the news that Tiger Woods will rejoin the PGA. Oh my god, if we thought bankers were doing a bad job now, how well are they going to do if they’re watching golf all the time?
4. There was a lot of speculation today that the U.S. government might have to nationalize some banks. Specifically Tyra Banks. She is just too valuable to leave to the free market.
5. Obama said today that if mayors waste the stimulus money, he will “call them out”. The mayors all said that they welcomed that accountability. Of course they do. What are they going to say. “Hey, up yours, Obama. I’ll waste that money if I want to.”
Thursday, February 19, 2009
2/19
1. This week, Obama is taking his first foreign trip as president, and it’s to Canada. Canadians were extremely impressed that he even know how to get there. On Bush’s first trip to Canada, he ended up in Grenada.
2. Obama’s new Director of Urban Affairs is Adolfo Carrion. His last name is Carrion. Man, they’re not even trying anymore. They know he’s dead meat. The vultures are circling overhead.
3. In California, an emergency budget was finally passed today, and the state had to find some way to make up billions in deficits. So the budget includes spending cuts, some borrowing, and Governor Schwarzenegger has agreed to do ten more Terminator movies, then donate his salary to the state.
4. During Hillary Clinton’s current trip to Asia, her aides said that her energy was amazing - that late at night, while they were exhausted, constant laughter came from her dinner table. Constant loud braying laughter from Clinton, huh? Yeah, that’s a surprise.
5. Argentina has ordered a British bishop who denies the Holocaust to leave the country. Argentina expelling Holocaust-deniers. Now that’s a turn of events. Usually, Argentina is more into importing Holocaust-doers.
2. Obama’s new Director of Urban Affairs is Adolfo Carrion. His last name is Carrion. Man, they’re not even trying anymore. They know he’s dead meat. The vultures are circling overhead.
3. In California, an emergency budget was finally passed today, and the state had to find some way to make up billions in deficits. So the budget includes spending cuts, some borrowing, and Governor Schwarzenegger has agreed to do ten more Terminator movies, then donate his salary to the state.
4. During Hillary Clinton’s current trip to Asia, her aides said that her energy was amazing - that late at night, while they were exhausted, constant laughter came from her dinner table. Constant loud braying laughter from Clinton, huh? Yeah, that’s a surprise.
5. Argentina has ordered a British bishop who denies the Holocaust to leave the country. Argentina expelling Holocaust-deniers. Now that’s a turn of events. Usually, Argentina is more into importing Holocaust-doers.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
2/18
1. NASA and Europe are going to send their next space probe to Jupiter. They were going to go to Saturn, but they say that Jupiter had a better “flight opportunity”. Because you see, Saturn was overbooked, so if they go to Jupiter instead, they fly first class, get nicer freeze-dried food, even three days and two nights on a moon. And that’s a pretty good deal, since a day on that moon lasts five Earth years. Kids, don’t quote me on that. I’ve just helped thousands of children fail science.
2. President Obama has signed a sweeping new housing bill. It is huge. It will help you refinance your home even if it’s made by Frigidaire.
3. A new analysis says that President Obama is going to offer carrots to mortgage firms, because the government is all out of money. Giving away vegetables from the South Lawn is all they have left. Everyone in the White House is already selling their blood, and there are already nearly a million women who have bought Obama’s sperm.
4. Starbucks is now planning to offer value meals and $1 coffee. You know, I think during the next economic boom, some company is going to rise up by calling itself the “upmarket version” of Starbucks.
5. A new report from the Vatican reveals that the men and women “sin in different ways”. Really? Your average James Bond movie could have told you that. The report was based on a study of confessions by Father Roberto Busa, a 95-year-old Jesuit scholar. Man, who needs porn or crime novels when you’ve been reading decades of Catholic confessions? The Pope’s personal theologian said he supported the study. The Pope has a personal theologian? Is that like a personal trainer? And isn’t the Pope supposed to be his own personal theologian? What, is he too busy for all that God stuff? That’s like Emeril having a personal chef. The report comes as fewer and fewer Catholics are going to confession. Which is why even fewer straight men are becoming priests. Confession was always one of the perks! Why do you think those booths are closed?
2. President Obama has signed a sweeping new housing bill. It is huge. It will help you refinance your home even if it’s made by Frigidaire.
3. A new analysis says that President Obama is going to offer carrots to mortgage firms, because the government is all out of money. Giving away vegetables from the South Lawn is all they have left. Everyone in the White House is already selling their blood, and there are already nearly a million women who have bought Obama’s sperm.
4. Starbucks is now planning to offer value meals and $1 coffee. You know, I think during the next economic boom, some company is going to rise up by calling itself the “upmarket version” of Starbucks.
5. A new report from the Vatican reveals that the men and women “sin in different ways”. Really? Your average James Bond movie could have told you that. The report was based on a study of confessions by Father Roberto Busa, a 95-year-old Jesuit scholar. Man, who needs porn or crime novels when you’ve been reading decades of Catholic confessions? The Pope’s personal theologian said he supported the study. The Pope has a personal theologian? Is that like a personal trainer? And isn’t the Pope supposed to be his own personal theologian? What, is he too busy for all that God stuff? That’s like Emeril having a personal chef. The report comes as fewer and fewer Catholics are going to confession. Which is why even fewer straight men are becoming priests. Confession was always one of the perks! Why do you think those booths are closed?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
2/17
1. In Sweden, the government is going to sue an art student who filmed himself spraying graffiti in a train. The student said the wanted to take graffiti into “new environments”. And he chose a train car? Man, Sweden is way different from the United States. Where do they do graffiti there? Restaurants?
2. Also in Sweden, charges have been dropped against a file-sharing website called Pirate Bay. The website always said that it wasn’t guilty of copyright piracy, but it might have had a tough time proving that, considering it’s named Pirate Bay!
3. And what is going on with Sweden? Graffiti. Internet piracy. What happened to Swedes just supplying the world with good old-fashioned porn?
4. The Finance Minister of Japan has stepped down after allegations that he was drunk during the G7 conference in Europe. Well, that didn’t stop us from bringing in Russia.
5. I love how all the news reports say that Alex Rodriguez has to win back the trust of his teammates. Yeah, you know why they don’t trust him anymore? Because he wouldn’t hook them up with his dealer.
2. Also in Sweden, charges have been dropped against a file-sharing website called Pirate Bay. The website always said that it wasn’t guilty of copyright piracy, but it might have had a tough time proving that, considering it’s named Pirate Bay!
3. And what is going on with Sweden? Graffiti. Internet piracy. What happened to Swedes just supplying the world with good old-fashioned porn?
4. The Finance Minister of Japan has stepped down after allegations that he was drunk during the G7 conference in Europe. Well, that didn’t stop us from bringing in Russia.
5. I love how all the news reports say that Alex Rodriguez has to win back the trust of his teammates. Yeah, you know why they don’t trust him anymore? Because he wouldn’t hook them up with his dealer.
Monday, February 16, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Scientists say there might be alien life already on Earth, thriving in environments that are poisonous to carbon-based life. A team was quickly dispatched to Starbucks bathrooms.
Three brothers will try to break the world record for the longest time spent on Mount Everest. Of course, they’ll have no chance of breaking the record for the longest time with so little oxygen to the brain, which is 28 years by Jessica Simpson.
President Obama said that the new stimulus bill would be a major milestone on the road to recovery, because at a thousand pages, it can actually be used to pave roads.
Today, the woman with the Guinness record for longest fingernails lost them in a car crash. Apparently, she had her hand out the window and they punctured the tires. Guinness said her nails were damaged beyond repair. What, are you going to have fingernail surgery? You know what that is? Superglue.
Barry Bonds’s mistress is going to testify about the effects of his steroid use, including bloating, acne, hair loss, and testicle shrinkage. You know, if I was Bonds, after that, I would just say I did it. Because I don’t want the next question to be: “So, you’re just naturally that way?”
Apparently, when French President Nicolas Sarkozy met his second wife, cover model Carla Bruni, he told her that she would be Marilyn to his JFK. Really? Then he should have stayed married to his first wife.
A new study says that Neanderthals never interbred with humans. Unless you count the couples on most sitcoms.
The cover model for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year is going to be an Israeli. And because of Israel’s mandatory military training, she’ll be only the second cover model to know how to use an Uzi submachine gun. The first was, of course, Tyra Banks.
At the Berlin Film Festival, the grand prize went to the movie “The Milk of Sorrow”. Yes, how strange that Germans picked that. Very different from last year’s grand prize winner: “This Film Will Make You Want to Kill Yourself”.
Microsoft has announced that it will open its own stores, because I guess it feels the word just isn’t getting out there enough. People aren’t using enough Microsoft products. They need to push them more.
Today, the heads of several major U.S. banks went before Congress to explain why their spending of bailout money on corporate jets and bonuses was completely justified. However, it was hard to hear them over the constant yells from the audience of: “Burn them!”
Israel had a big national election yesterday. Voting was tight between the two main parties: the “We Need to Bomb Gaza Even More Than Now” Party and its rival, the “We Need to Wipe Gaza From the Face of the Planet” Party. Try and guess which is the liberal one.
Three brothers will try to break the world record for the longest time spent on Mount Everest. Of course, they’ll have no chance of breaking the record for the longest time with so little oxygen to the brain, which is 28 years by Jessica Simpson.
President Obama said that the new stimulus bill would be a major milestone on the road to recovery, because at a thousand pages, it can actually be used to pave roads.
Today, the woman with the Guinness record for longest fingernails lost them in a car crash. Apparently, she had her hand out the window and they punctured the tires. Guinness said her nails were damaged beyond repair. What, are you going to have fingernail surgery? You know what that is? Superglue.
Barry Bonds’s mistress is going to testify about the effects of his steroid use, including bloating, acne, hair loss, and testicle shrinkage. You know, if I was Bonds, after that, I would just say I did it. Because I don’t want the next question to be: “So, you’re just naturally that way?”
Apparently, when French President Nicolas Sarkozy met his second wife, cover model Carla Bruni, he told her that she would be Marilyn to his JFK. Really? Then he should have stayed married to his first wife.
A new study says that Neanderthals never interbred with humans. Unless you count the couples on most sitcoms.
The cover model for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year is going to be an Israeli. And because of Israel’s mandatory military training, she’ll be only the second cover model to know how to use an Uzi submachine gun. The first was, of course, Tyra Banks.
At the Berlin Film Festival, the grand prize went to the movie “The Milk of Sorrow”. Yes, how strange that Germans picked that. Very different from last year’s grand prize winner: “This Film Will Make You Want to Kill Yourself”.
Microsoft has announced that it will open its own stores, because I guess it feels the word just isn’t getting out there enough. People aren’t using enough Microsoft products. They need to push them more.
Today, the heads of several major U.S. banks went before Congress to explain why their spending of bailout money on corporate jets and bonuses was completely justified. However, it was hard to hear them over the constant yells from the audience of: “Burn them!”
Israel had a big national election yesterday. Voting was tight between the two main parties: the “We Need to Bomb Gaza Even More Than Now” Party and its rival, the “We Need to Wipe Gaza From the Face of the Planet” Party. Try and guess which is the liberal one.
2/16
1. A new study has found a pill that might erase negative emotions from particular memories. Man, there are a lot of potential uses for something like that. For example, I could give it to people after they read this blog.
2. Three brothers will try to break the world record for the longest time spent on Mount Everest. Of course, they’ll have no chance of breaking the record for the longest time with so little oxygen to the brain, which is 28 years by Jessica Simpson.
3. Michael Phelps is not going to be charged in the horrific, truly horrific, scandal in which he tried some marijuana. The sheriff said that if Phelps had ever actually admitted to smoking marijuana, then they could charge him, but so far, all they have is the giant photo of him… smoking marijuana. I don’t think Phelps is the only one here on drugs. When was the last time they checked this sheriff? We already knew we weren’t dealing with a genius here, but now…
4. Scientists say there might be alien life already on Earth, thriving in environments that are poisonous to carbon-based life. A team was quickly dispatched to Starbucks bathrooms.
5. A new study says that some breast-fed babies may become dehydrated because they’re not getting enough milk. But then they found that most of the babies were being breast-fed by their fathers.
2. Three brothers will try to break the world record for the longest time spent on Mount Everest. Of course, they’ll have no chance of breaking the record for the longest time with so little oxygen to the brain, which is 28 years by Jessica Simpson.
3. Michael Phelps is not going to be charged in the horrific, truly horrific, scandal in which he tried some marijuana. The sheriff said that if Phelps had ever actually admitted to smoking marijuana, then they could charge him, but so far, all they have is the giant photo of him… smoking marijuana. I don’t think Phelps is the only one here on drugs. When was the last time they checked this sheriff? We already knew we weren’t dealing with a genius here, but now…
4. Scientists say there might be alien life already on Earth, thriving in environments that are poisonous to carbon-based life. A team was quickly dispatched to Starbucks bathrooms.
5. A new study says that some breast-fed babies may become dehydrated because they’re not getting enough milk. But then they found that most of the babies were being breast-fed by their fathers.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
2/14
1. At the Berlin Film Festival, the grand prize went to the movie “The Milk of Sorrow”. Yes, how strange that Germans picked that. Very different from last year’s grand prize winner: “This Film Will Make You Want to Kill Yourself”.
2. Obama said that the new stimulus bill would be a major milestone on the road to recovery, because at a thousand pages, it can actually be used to pave roads.
3. The king of Saudi Arabia fired the country’s top judge, because the judge said that owners of cable companies could be put to death. Now I know what you’re thinking: “If only they could do that here.”
4. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will be heading to China this week. In honor of her visit, the Chinese government is going to create a welcoming rug made out of five thousand Tibetans. The latest agreement with China is that China keeps buying our Treasury Bonds, and we keep buying that they‘re improving their human rights.
5. After the big salmonella scandal, the Peanut Corporation of America plans to liquidate. Yeah, I once had some peanut butter that did that.
2. Obama said that the new stimulus bill would be a major milestone on the road to recovery, because at a thousand pages, it can actually be used to pave roads.
3. The king of Saudi Arabia fired the country’s top judge, because the judge said that owners of cable companies could be put to death. Now I know what you’re thinking: “If only they could do that here.”
4. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will be heading to China this week. In honor of her visit, the Chinese government is going to create a welcoming rug made out of five thousand Tibetans. The latest agreement with China is that China keeps buying our Treasury Bonds, and we keep buying that they‘re improving their human rights.
5. After the big salmonella scandal, the Peanut Corporation of America plans to liquidate. Yeah, I once had some peanut butter that did that.
Friday, February 13, 2009
2/13
1. Today, the woman with the Guinness record for longest fingernails lost them in a car crash. Apparently, she had her hand out the window and they punctured the tires. Guinness said her nails were damaged beyond repair. What, are you going to have fingernail surgery? You know what that is? Superglue.
2. Congress passed the stimulus bill today. It runs about 1,000 pages, so that means it’s already created jobs for paper companies.
3. Barry Bonds’s mistress is going to testify about the effects of his steroid use, including bloating, acne, hair loss, and testicle shrinkage. You know, if I was Bonds, after that, I would just say I did it. Because I don’t want the next question to be: “So, you’re just naturally that way?”
4. Microsoft has announced that it will open its own stores, because I guess it feels the word just isn’t getting out there enough. People aren’t using enough Microsoft products. They need to push them more.
5. The website Twitter just raised $35 million of investment. They actually weren’t even looking for more investors, but some people desperately came to them. I assume they said: “You’re the only thing that looks hopeful in the entire economy. Please! Let us put money in you!”
2. Congress passed the stimulus bill today. It runs about 1,000 pages, so that means it’s already created jobs for paper companies.
3. Barry Bonds’s mistress is going to testify about the effects of his steroid use, including bloating, acne, hair loss, and testicle shrinkage. You know, if I was Bonds, after that, I would just say I did it. Because I don’t want the next question to be: “So, you’re just naturally that way?”
4. Microsoft has announced that it will open its own stores, because I guess it feels the word just isn’t getting out there enough. People aren’t using enough Microsoft products. They need to push them more.
5. The website Twitter just raised $35 million of investment. They actually weren’t even looking for more investors, but some people desperately came to them. I assume they said: “You’re the only thing that looks hopeful in the entire economy. Please! Let us put money in you!”
Thursday, February 12, 2009
2/12
1. A new study says that smokers are more likely to quit if you bribe them with cash. I think this is a bad idea in a recession, because you’re going to see a lot of people taking up smoking. Just to quit. You know who I saw buying a pack of Camels today? Richard Simmons.
2. Israel is going to allow 25,000 flowers grown in Gaza to be sent to Europe for Valentine’s Day. (sweet voice) Because Gaza just loves Europe so much. And you know, dating in Gaza is getting rough - I’m not going to say much, but this is true, most of their flowers this Valentine’s Day are going to be given to sheep. They say it’s just for food, but when you look into those eyes…
3. Apparently, when French President Nicolas Sarkozy met his second wife, cover model Carla Bruni, he told her that she would be Marilyn to his JFK. Really? Then he should have stayed married to his first wife.
4. A new study says that Neanderthals never interbred with humans. Unless you count the couples on most sitcoms.
5. A new study says that it’s healthy to eat as many eggs as you want. Unless the eggs are cooked Dick Cheney style, which means covered in chocolate and bacon.
2. Israel is going to allow 25,000 flowers grown in Gaza to be sent to Europe for Valentine’s Day. (sweet voice) Because Gaza just loves Europe so much. And you know, dating in Gaza is getting rough - I’m not going to say much, but this is true, most of their flowers this Valentine’s Day are going to be given to sheep. They say it’s just for food, but when you look into those eyes…
3. Apparently, when French President Nicolas Sarkozy met his second wife, cover model Carla Bruni, he told her that she would be Marilyn to his JFK. Really? Then he should have stayed married to his first wife.
4. A new study says that Neanderthals never interbred with humans. Unless you count the couples on most sitcoms.
5. A new study says that it’s healthy to eat as many eggs as you want. Unless the eggs are cooked Dick Cheney style, which means covered in chocolate and bacon.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
2/11
1. The cover model for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year is going to be an Israeli. And because of Israel’s mandatory military training, she’ll be only the second cover model to know how to use an Uzi submachine gun. The first was, of course, Tyra Banks.
2. Today, the heads of several major U.S. banks went before Congress to explain why their spending of bailout money on corporate jets and bonuses was completely justified. However, it was hard to hear them over the constant yells from the audience of: “Burn them!”
3. Eight of the people who smoked marijuana with Michael Phelps have been arrested for drug possession. By the way, this is was the University of South Carolina, which is going to see a lot of youngsters wanting to go there now! “Well, I was thinking of joining the military, but I wanted more invasion of privacy.”
4. Michelle Obama is going to be on the cover of Vogue magazine. Good, now Barack Obama will have something else to talk with French President Nicolas Sarkozy about. They’re both got cover models for wives. Wow, I’ve got to get into this whole “president” thing. Screw being a rock star!
5. A new study says that taking big financial risks might be genetic. Yeah, so with things going the way they are now, the grandkids of Wall Street bankers will be taking huge risks at the off-track betting parlor with the change they get in their Dunkin Donuts coffee cup.
2. Today, the heads of several major U.S. banks went before Congress to explain why their spending of bailout money on corporate jets and bonuses was completely justified. However, it was hard to hear them over the constant yells from the audience of: “Burn them!”
3. Eight of the people who smoked marijuana with Michael Phelps have been arrested for drug possession. By the way, this is was the University of South Carolina, which is going to see a lot of youngsters wanting to go there now! “Well, I was thinking of joining the military, but I wanted more invasion of privacy.”
4. Michelle Obama is going to be on the cover of Vogue magazine. Good, now Barack Obama will have something else to talk with French President Nicolas Sarkozy about. They’re both got cover models for wives. Wow, I’ve got to get into this whole “president” thing. Screw being a rock star!
5. A new study says that taking big financial risks might be genetic. Yeah, so with things going the way they are now, the grandkids of Wall Street bankers will be taking huge risks at the off-track betting parlor with the change they get in their Dunkin Donuts coffee cup.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
2/10
1. The Boeing 747, the world’s first jumbo jet, is 40 years old today. It was so big that it had an upstairs cocktail bar right next to the cockpit, because in the sixties it was okay for pilots to be completely drunk. You have to be careful with a cocktail bar next to the cockpit, because you might get a cockfight. And other jokes that we can’t say on network television. The cocktail bar was up a spiral staircase, known as Internal Upstairs Diversions or “IUD”. And I won’t even get into the wider tail fins.
2. A new study says that most non-prescription medicine for arthritis doesn’t work. Like antler velvet powder, vitamin C, and especially Arthrimax’s “Giant Steel Hammer” (show fake ad) / Ginsu‘s “Arthri-choppers” (show fake ad with someone cutting off their fingers). Although their slogan is technically true: “You won’t be thinking about your arthritis anymore!”
3. Israel had a big national election yesterday. Voting was tight between the two main parties: the “We Need to Bomb Gaza Even More Than Now” Party and its rival, the “We Need to Wipe Gaza From the Face of the Planet” Party. Try and guess which is the liberal one.
4. The government is now giving away $1.5 trillion for banks. Plus the $350 billion we’ve already given to them and automakers. Plus the $838 billion stimulus package. Plus the right to name our grandchildren after episodes in Chinese history. “Yes, we’re very proud of little Mao Tse-Tung! And did you hear who made the football team? The Smiths’ kid - Western Pigs Must Die!” You know, the program to bail out Wall Street is called TARP, and if you spell that backwards, you get PRAT. Which is what Wall Street seems to be playing us for.
5. When Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner began describing the stimulus, the stock market started falling almost as soon as he opened his mouth. Before he even really described it. So maybe it’s actually just his voice. Maybe Obama should give these speeches.
2. A new study says that most non-prescription medicine for arthritis doesn’t work. Like antler velvet powder, vitamin C, and especially Arthrimax’s “Giant Steel Hammer” (show fake ad) / Ginsu‘s “Arthri-choppers” (show fake ad with someone cutting off their fingers). Although their slogan is technically true: “You won’t be thinking about your arthritis anymore!”
3. Israel had a big national election yesterday. Voting was tight between the two main parties: the “We Need to Bomb Gaza Even More Than Now” Party and its rival, the “We Need to Wipe Gaza From the Face of the Planet” Party. Try and guess which is the liberal one.
4. The government is now giving away $1.5 trillion for banks. Plus the $350 billion we’ve already given to them and automakers. Plus the $838 billion stimulus package. Plus the right to name our grandchildren after episodes in Chinese history. “Yes, we’re very proud of little Mao Tse-Tung! And did you hear who made the football team? The Smiths’ kid - Western Pigs Must Die!” You know, the program to bail out Wall Street is called TARP, and if you spell that backwards, you get PRAT. Which is what Wall Street seems to be playing us for.
5. When Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner began describing the stimulus, the stock market started falling almost as soon as he opened his mouth. Before he even really described it. So maybe it’s actually just his voice. Maybe Obama should give these speeches.
Monday, February 9, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
In Switzerland, it’s now illegal to go hiking naked. Yeah, I know, cancel your reservations. But apparently if people get caught, they have to pay the fine on the spot. But how can they pay… if they’re naked? And if they do have the money on them, do you really want to take it?
So Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been caught smoking marijuana while visiting a university. I know, a goofy 23-year-old hanging out in a college… and he was smoking marijuana?! Shocking! You know how people last summer were amazed at how he ate 12,000 calories a day? Maybe this is why. I would never want Phelps to have the munchies at my house. “Didn’t we just buy groceries?”
A nine-year-old kid has now developed a program for fingerpainting on an iPhone. Actually, my kid created fingerpainting for my iPhone too -- and I could have murdered him.
The Senate is so committed to passing a stimulus bill that senators even met on Saturday! Saturday! They’re willing to put in just as much time as a barista at Starbucks!
A guy in Australia was arrested for smuggling two live pigeons in his pants. It took awhile to catch him, because at first, people thought the stains on his pants were just from being a messy eater. Why would anyone want to smuggle pigeons? Is there anyplace in the world with a pigeon shortage? That’s like smuggling Botox into Malibu.
Jennifer Figge has become the first woman to ever swim across the Atlantic Ocean. Incredible, huh? However, she ran into problems when it was revealed that she had smoked marijuana. As we know from Michael Phelps, if you’re a swimmer and you smoke marijuana, all of your achievements are suddenly worth nothing. And she’s 56 years old! Most people her age complain if they have to walk from the far side of a parking lot. There was also a slight incident when someone asked her if she knew you can fly across the Atlantic now. “Oh my god!” said Figge. “You can fly?”
In Italy, more and more people are becoming angry at immigrants, because they say the immigrants are criminals. Italians. Angry at immigrants. For being criminals. We truly live in amazing times. Does Italian have a word for “irony”? That’s like the Chinese being upset at immigrants for growing rice. Maybe Italians are upset because immigrants are taking away criminal jobs from Italians. “This is one of our major exports!” Guys in dark suits and sunglasses are in the streets chanting “Italian crime for Italians! Support your local loan shark!” People in casts with stickers: “My kneecaps were broken by an Italian.”
So Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been caught smoking marijuana while visiting a university. I know, a goofy 23-year-old hanging out in a college… and he was smoking marijuana?! Shocking! You know how people last summer were amazed at how he ate 12,000 calories a day? Maybe this is why. I would never want Phelps to have the munchies at my house. “Didn’t we just buy groceries?”
A nine-year-old kid has now developed a program for fingerpainting on an iPhone. Actually, my kid created fingerpainting for my iPhone too -- and I could have murdered him.
The Senate is so committed to passing a stimulus bill that senators even met on Saturday! Saturday! They’re willing to put in just as much time as a barista at Starbucks!
A guy in Australia was arrested for smuggling two live pigeons in his pants. It took awhile to catch him, because at first, people thought the stains on his pants were just from being a messy eater. Why would anyone want to smuggle pigeons? Is there anyplace in the world with a pigeon shortage? That’s like smuggling Botox into Malibu.
Jennifer Figge has become the first woman to ever swim across the Atlantic Ocean. Incredible, huh? However, she ran into problems when it was revealed that she had smoked marijuana. As we know from Michael Phelps, if you’re a swimmer and you smoke marijuana, all of your achievements are suddenly worth nothing. And she’s 56 years old! Most people her age complain if they have to walk from the far side of a parking lot. There was also a slight incident when someone asked her if she knew you can fly across the Atlantic now. “Oh my god!” said Figge. “You can fly?”
In Italy, more and more people are becoming angry at immigrants, because they say the immigrants are criminals. Italians. Angry at immigrants. For being criminals. We truly live in amazing times. Does Italian have a word for “irony”? That’s like the Chinese being upset at immigrants for growing rice. Maybe Italians are upset because immigrants are taking away criminal jobs from Italians. “This is one of our major exports!” Guys in dark suits and sunglasses are in the streets chanting “Italian crime for Italians! Support your local loan shark!” People in casts with stickers: “My kneecaps were broken by an Italian.”
2/9
1. In Switzerland, it’s now illegal to go hiking naked. Yeah, I know, cancel your reservations. But apparently if people get caught, they have to pay the fine on the spot. But how can they pay… if they’re naked? And if they do have the money on them, do you really want to take it?
2. The mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, gave the key to the city to the captain of that plane that landed in the Hudson. Now that he has the key, Bloomberg‘s hoping the guy can land the city, after it got hit by that flock of Wall Street bankers on a wild goose chase.
3. Meg Whitman, the former head of eBay, is going to run for governor of California. She’s already raising money by selling cabinet positions on eBay.
4. Marijuana has now been linked to aggressive testicular cancer. That’s surprising. I would have thought it would be linked to very mellow testicular cancer. And great, Michael Phelps’s testicles are already shriveled from being in the water all day - now he’s going to lose them altogether.
5. Airports in Paris have closed, because of fears about strong fast winds throwing off the planes. But then President Sarkozy agreed to give his speech somewhere else. Without his mouth being open, the danger was over.
2. The mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, gave the key to the city to the captain of that plane that landed in the Hudson. Now that he has the key, Bloomberg‘s hoping the guy can land the city, after it got hit by that flock of Wall Street bankers on a wild goose chase.
3. Meg Whitman, the former head of eBay, is going to run for governor of California. She’s already raising money by selling cabinet positions on eBay.
4. Marijuana has now been linked to aggressive testicular cancer. That’s surprising. I would have thought it would be linked to very mellow testicular cancer. And great, Michael Phelps’s testicles are already shriveled from being in the water all day - now he’s going to lose them altogether.
5. Airports in Paris have closed, because of fears about strong fast winds throwing off the planes. But then President Sarkozy agreed to give his speech somewhere else. Without his mouth being open, the danger was over.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
2/7
1. Jennifer Figge has become the first woman to ever swim across the Atlantic Ocean. Incredible, huh? However, she ran into problems when it was revealed that she had smoked marijuana. As we know from Michael Phelps, if you’re a swimmer and you smoke marijuana, all of your achievements are suddenly worth nothing. And she’s 56 years old! Most people her age complain if they have to walk from the far side of a parking lot. There was also a slight incident when someone asked her if she knew you can fly across the Atlantic now. “Oh my god!” said Figge. “You can fly?”
2. The Senate is so committed to passing a stimulus bill that senators even met on Saturday! Saturday! They’re willing to put in just as much time as a barista at Starbucks!
3. Baseball player Alex Rodriguez has apparently tested positive for steroid use. Wow, a baseball player taking steroids. Breaking news, huh? Maybe he gets them from Madonna. She is huge now!
4. Ecuador has expelled a U.S. Customs Agent over America’s anti-drug policies. The president of Ecuador said that he would not let the U.S. treat his country like a colony! Yeah! Except, do you know what the currency in Ecuador is? The U.S. dollar! They literally use our money! That’s like a guy throwing his mom out of his apartment in her basement.
5. Prosecutors say that the company that shipped salmonella-tainted peanuts around the country knew the peanuts were tainted. But in their defense, they didn’t think it was salmonella - they thought it was salmon jelly.
2. The Senate is so committed to passing a stimulus bill that senators even met on Saturday! Saturday! They’re willing to put in just as much time as a barista at Starbucks!
3. Baseball player Alex Rodriguez has apparently tested positive for steroid use. Wow, a baseball player taking steroids. Breaking news, huh? Maybe he gets them from Madonna. She is huge now!
4. Ecuador has expelled a U.S. Customs Agent over America’s anti-drug policies. The president of Ecuador said that he would not let the U.S. treat his country like a colony! Yeah! Except, do you know what the currency in Ecuador is? The U.S. dollar! They literally use our money! That’s like a guy throwing his mom out of his apartment in her basement.
5. Prosecutors say that the company that shipped salmonella-tainted peanuts around the country knew the peanuts were tainted. But in their defense, they didn’t think it was salmonella - they thought it was salmon jelly.
Friday, February 6, 2009
2/6
1. Christian Bale has now apologized for his crazy on-set rant a few months ago. Funny how apologies like this only happen after they hit the press. He claimed that he had mixed up his own personality with his character. Because if he had been completely in his own personality, he wouldn’t have yelled at the guy -- he would have beaten him up.
2. Well, after Israel’s attacks on the Gaza Strip, the democratically elected government of Gaza, Hamas, has been enjoying unprecedented international support. So how have they decided to use their newfound goodwill? By seizing emergency food from the United Nations. Good job! Now we know they’ve really become politicians.
3. Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin has now officially denied that he danced to ABBA songs at a private concert. Our presidents openly dance with pop stars. A Japanese prime minister sings Elvis during a press conference. But Putin “denies allegations that he danced to ABBA songs”. But is it really a surprise that someone who enjoys going topless so much [show famous picture of Putin fishing topless] is an ABBA fan? [innocent Russian voice] “I want to be a Dancing Queen too.”
4. A nine-year-old kid has now developed a program for fingerpainting on an iPhone. Actually, my kid created fingerpainting for my iPhone too -- and I could have murdered him.
5. In Australia, another airline pilot has made an emergency landing in water. Is this just the hot new way to land planes now? I’m going to pay more attention when they talk about my seat cushion being a flotation device.
2. Well, after Israel’s attacks on the Gaza Strip, the democratically elected government of Gaza, Hamas, has been enjoying unprecedented international support. So how have they decided to use their newfound goodwill? By seizing emergency food from the United Nations. Good job! Now we know they’ve really become politicians.
3. Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin has now officially denied that he danced to ABBA songs at a private concert. Our presidents openly dance with pop stars. A Japanese prime minister sings Elvis during a press conference. But Putin “denies allegations that he danced to ABBA songs”. But is it really a surprise that someone who enjoys going topless so much [show famous picture of Putin fishing topless] is an ABBA fan? [innocent Russian voice] “I want to be a Dancing Queen too.”
4. A nine-year-old kid has now developed a program for fingerpainting on an iPhone. Actually, my kid created fingerpainting for my iPhone too -- and I could have murdered him.
5. In Australia, another airline pilot has made an emergency landing in water. Is this just the hot new way to land planes now? I’m going to pay more attention when they talk about my seat cushion being a flotation device.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
2/5
1. Did you hear about this married Indian couple who were arrested for kissing in public? Married! And Indian men throughout the United States are thinking: “Yeah, as if dating wasn’t tough enough. Gee, thanks for the great reputation!”
2. Today, Michael Phelps was suspended from competition for three months because he was caught smoking marijuana. Excuse me, we are on our third consecutive pot-smoking president! And yeah, make Phelps even more paranoid. As if the weed didn’t do that enough.
3. A new study says there may be tens of thousands of intelligent alien civilizations in our galaxy. Well, I hope the others don’t communicate with us during this financial crisis, because we won’t be counted.
4. Some computer hackers are now getting into people’s computers by leaving fake parking tickets on cars. So now when you get hauled in for not paying parking tickets, you can just say you were protecting your computer! If you’re a freelance writer, maybe you can deduct the fines from your taxes.
5. The Senate released the key points of the stimulus bill, and almost every part starts with the phrase “job-creating investments”. “Job-creating investments in infrastructure”, “job-creating investments in health”, “job-creating investments in congressional massages”. As opposed to the usual investments, which just create jobs for lobbyists.
2. Today, Michael Phelps was suspended from competition for three months because he was caught smoking marijuana. Excuse me, we are on our third consecutive pot-smoking president! And yeah, make Phelps even more paranoid. As if the weed didn’t do that enough.
3. A new study says there may be tens of thousands of intelligent alien civilizations in our galaxy. Well, I hope the others don’t communicate with us during this financial crisis, because we won’t be counted.
4. Some computer hackers are now getting into people’s computers by leaving fake parking tickets on cars. So now when you get hauled in for not paying parking tickets, you can just say you were protecting your computer! If you’re a freelance writer, maybe you can deduct the fines from your taxes.
5. The Senate released the key points of the stimulus bill, and almost every part starts with the phrase “job-creating investments”. “Job-creating investments in infrastructure”, “job-creating investments in health”, “job-creating investments in congressional massages”. As opposed to the usual investments, which just create jobs for lobbyists.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
2/4
1. A guy in Australia was arrested for smuggling two live pigeons in his pants. It took awhile to catch him, because at first, people thought the stains on his pants were just from being a messy eater. Why would anyone want to smuggle pigeons? Is there anyplace in the world with a pigeon shortage? That’s like smuggling Botox into Malibu.
2. In Italy, more and more people are becoming angry at immigrants, because they say the immigrants are criminals. Italians. Angry at immigrants. For being criminals. We truly live in amazing times. Does Italian have a word for “irony”? That’s like the Chinese being upset at immigrants for growing rice. Maybe Italians are upset because immigrants are taking away criminal jobs from Italians. “This is one of our major exports!” Guys in dark suits and sunglasses are in the streets chanting “Italian crime for Italians! Support your local loan shark!” People in casts with stickers: “My kneecaps were broken by an Italian.”
3. There are a lot of unhappy people on Wall Street today, because President Obama is going to limit executive pay at bailed-out banks to just $500,000. I know, pretty tough, huh? And you thought you were having trouble with your Lexus payments.
4. The bones of the largest snake ever have been found in Colombia. It was as long as a bus, and so wide that it could come up to most people’s hips. Or approximately the knees of an elderly person’s pants. The previous record for the longest snake was set down on Wall Street. They said that the snake got so big because the earth was warmer back then. You mean global warming is going to make us even fatter?! At least we’ll float better when the oceans cover everything.
5. The Vatican has demanded that one of its bishops take back his statement that the Holocaust didn’t happen. Some people say that isn’t enough, because it’s not like he’s going to stop believing it. But to become a Catholic bishop, you have to go along with an enormous steaming pile of falsehoods anyway. One more isn’t going to make a difference.
2. In Italy, more and more people are becoming angry at immigrants, because they say the immigrants are criminals. Italians. Angry at immigrants. For being criminals. We truly live in amazing times. Does Italian have a word for “irony”? That’s like the Chinese being upset at immigrants for growing rice. Maybe Italians are upset because immigrants are taking away criminal jobs from Italians. “This is one of our major exports!” Guys in dark suits and sunglasses are in the streets chanting “Italian crime for Italians! Support your local loan shark!” People in casts with stickers: “My kneecaps were broken by an Italian.”
3. There are a lot of unhappy people on Wall Street today, because President Obama is going to limit executive pay at bailed-out banks to just $500,000. I know, pretty tough, huh? And you thought you were having trouble with your Lexus payments.
4. The bones of the largest snake ever have been found in Colombia. It was as long as a bus, and so wide that it could come up to most people’s hips. Or approximately the knees of an elderly person’s pants. The previous record for the longest snake was set down on Wall Street. They said that the snake got so big because the earth was warmer back then. You mean global warming is going to make us even fatter?! At least we’ll float better when the oceans cover everything.
5. The Vatican has demanded that one of its bishops take back his statement that the Holocaust didn’t happen. Some people say that isn’t enough, because it’s not like he’s going to stop believing it. But to become a Catholic bishop, you have to go along with an enormous steaming pile of falsehoods anyway. One more isn’t going to make a difference.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
2/3
1. So Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been caught smoking marijuana while visiting a university. I know, a goofy 23-year-old hanging out in a college… and he was smoking marijuana?! Shocking! You know how people last summer were amazed at how he ate 12,000 calories a day? Maybe this is why. I would never want Phelps to have the munchies at my house. “Didn’t we just buy groceries?”
2. And Tom Daschle, another Obama cabinet nominee, has withdrawn because he failed to pay $120,000 in taxes. Why were Democrat politicians so against the Bush tax cuts? It’s not like they were going to pay taxes anyway.
3. Did you hear about these doctors who just removed a woman’s kidney through her vagina? And lo, a new fetish was born. Wow, she’s never going to be able to tell her husband she’s not in the mood again. “Excuse me, you let people pull a kidney through your vagina. And you’re not in the mood with me?”
4. A few bright spots among carmakers - Subaru and Hyundai both saw sales rise. Yeah, so have bicycle makers. If this recession gets any deeper, we’re going to start seeing unicycles. People are going to be going to clown college to learn how to ride them. “Do you want to be a clown?” “No, I just can’t afford gas.”
5. A married couple in India has been found not guilty of obscenity for, get this, kissing in public. They were arrested for kissing in public. Good thing Al Gore isn’t Indian. I think if Britney Spears even entered India, she’d just spontaneously combust into flames.
2. And Tom Daschle, another Obama cabinet nominee, has withdrawn because he failed to pay $120,000 in taxes. Why were Democrat politicians so against the Bush tax cuts? It’s not like they were going to pay taxes anyway.
3. Did you hear about these doctors who just removed a woman’s kidney through her vagina? And lo, a new fetish was born. Wow, she’s never going to be able to tell her husband she’s not in the mood again. “Excuse me, you let people pull a kidney through your vagina. And you’re not in the mood with me?”
4. A few bright spots among carmakers - Subaru and Hyundai both saw sales rise. Yeah, so have bicycle makers. If this recession gets any deeper, we’re going to start seeing unicycles. People are going to be going to clown college to learn how to ride them. “Do you want to be a clown?” “No, I just can’t afford gas.”
5. A married couple in India has been found not guilty of obscenity for, get this, kissing in public. They were arrested for kissing in public. Good thing Al Gore isn’t Indian. I think if Britney Spears even entered India, she’d just spontaneously combust into flames.
Monday, February 2, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Did you hear about this first-time skydiver whose instructor died while they were both falling? The guy probably thought: ‘Isn’t this supposed to happen when you hit the ground?’ Apparently, the instructor got hit by a goose. No, actually he had a heart attack. Doctors still don’t know why he had a heart attack, but I’ve got an idea: MAYBE BECAUSE HE WAS FALLING OUT OF A PLANE!
And Britney Spears is going to take her sons on tour. Apparently, they’re finally old enough to be shot from cannons. But she’s going to be strict with them -- after nine o’clock, no vodka or groupies. Unless the groupies are babysitting. And in order to babysit, groupies cannot be visibly drunk. The tour is going to be called the “Circus Tour”, so her sons don’t have to run away to join one.
Some people say we need a United States that can accept failure. But that United States already exists. It’s called England.
I think “rear projection TVs” are called that because they’re a future projection of how large your rear is going to get if you keep watching so much TV.
You know that woman who just had octuplets? Turns out she already has six kids. Man, those six kids thought they were getting a little brother to push around. Now they’re outnumbered! This is the dream of every youngest child.
Some people are angry at Bruce Springsteen for releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart, since Wal-Mart has been bad to its workers. But you know, there’s a reason he’s called “The Boss”.
To save Wall Street, the government wants to create a “bad bank” to buy toxic loans. But why can’t we use one of the many many bad banks we already have?
Some say that President Obama needs to say more about gay rights. But his support for gay rights is apparent on the White House website -- not so much in words, but in color scheme.
Google keeps finding more and more ways for people to save their e-mails. I find the best way to do that is to read them to my niece and tell her that they’re breakfast cereal jingles. Then she never forgets them.
And Britney Spears is going to take her sons on tour. Apparently, they’re finally old enough to be shot from cannons. But she’s going to be strict with them -- after nine o’clock, no vodka or groupies. Unless the groupies are babysitting. And in order to babysit, groupies cannot be visibly drunk. The tour is going to be called the “Circus Tour”, so her sons don’t have to run away to join one.
Some people say we need a United States that can accept failure. But that United States already exists. It’s called England.
I think “rear projection TVs” are called that because they’re a future projection of how large your rear is going to get if you keep watching so much TV.
You know that woman who just had octuplets? Turns out she already has six kids. Man, those six kids thought they were getting a little brother to push around. Now they’re outnumbered! This is the dream of every youngest child.
Some people are angry at Bruce Springsteen for releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart, since Wal-Mart has been bad to its workers. But you know, there’s a reason he’s called “The Boss”.
To save Wall Street, the government wants to create a “bad bank” to buy toxic loans. But why can’t we use one of the many many bad banks we already have?
Some say that President Obama needs to say more about gay rights. But his support for gay rights is apparent on the White House website -- not so much in words, but in color scheme.
Google keeps finding more and more ways for people to save their e-mails. I find the best way to do that is to read them to my niece and tell her that they’re breakfast cereal jingles. Then she never forgets them.
2/2
1. Did you hear about this first-time skydiver whose instructor died while they were both falling? The guy probably thought: ‘Isn’t this supposed to happen when you hit the ground?’ Apparently, the instructor got hit by a goose. No, actually he had a heart attack. Doctors still don’t know why he had a heart attack, but I’ve got an idea: MAYBE BECAUSE HE WAS FALLING OUT OF A PLANE!
2. And Britney Spears is going to take her sons on tour. Apparently, they’re finally old enough to be shot from cannons. But she’s going to be strict with them - after nine o’clock, no vodka or groupies. Unless the groupies are babysitting. And in order to babysit, groupies cannot be visibly drunk. The tour is going to be called the “Circus Tour”, so her sons don’t even have to run away to join one.
3. Did you hear how several people watching the Super Bowl in Arizona called their station to complain, because some footage of a blowjob showed up on their screens. But actually, it was just a close-up shot of the celebrations on the Pittsburgh side.
4. Scientists say that thinking too much can ruin your golf putt. That’s why, just before I putt, I like to have someone kick me in the groin. Then I’m not thinking about the putt at all.
5. Did you hear that someone threw a shoe at the prime minister of China yesterday? Is this becoming an epidemic? We already have people take their shoes off at security checkpoints. Now we’re going to ban shoes, period. We’re going to become like the Japanese.
2. And Britney Spears is going to take her sons on tour. Apparently, they’re finally old enough to be shot from cannons. But she’s going to be strict with them - after nine o’clock, no vodka or groupies. Unless the groupies are babysitting. And in order to babysit, groupies cannot be visibly drunk. The tour is going to be called the “Circus Tour”, so her sons don’t even have to run away to join one.
3. Did you hear how several people watching the Super Bowl in Arizona called their station to complain, because some footage of a blowjob showed up on their screens. But actually, it was just a close-up shot of the celebrations on the Pittsburgh side.
4. Scientists say that thinking too much can ruin your golf putt. That’s why, just before I putt, I like to have someone kick me in the groin. Then I’m not thinking about the putt at all.
5. Did you hear that someone threw a shoe at the prime minister of China yesterday? Is this becoming an epidemic? We already have people take their shoes off at security checkpoints. Now we’re going to ban shoes, period. We’re going to become like the Japanese.
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