1. In Naples, Italy, hundreds of women have joined a protest against illegal fireworks by refusing to have sex with their men. Now, what makes me think some women are doing this for reasons other than illegal fireworks? “I don’t have to sleep with my disgusting husband? Sign me up.” If they didn’t have to sleep with their husbands, some women would join a protest against chocolate.
2. Well, it’s New Year’s Eve, which means thousands of people will be gathering in Times Square to watch the stock market drop.
3. In India, a long proud tradition of extravagant facial hair is dying out, even among the women
4. The Bush Administration has recently been trying to negotiate peace between Israel and Palestine. You know, this reminds me of a kid trying to make up for bad grades with extra credit. I’m sure Bush had a lot of experience with that. “Hey, what if I do something in Kazakhstan? Will I get better polls then?”
5. Scientists have now flown a passenger airplane partially with fuel made from vegetable oil. Now, if they could just get them to fly on honey-roasted peanuts.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
President Bush has now made it easier for insurance companies to not pay for medical procedures for ethical reasons. I was shocked -- insurance companies have ethics? Maybe this is to balance all the procedures they deny for unethical reasons. “You know, we are just morally opposed to heart surgery.”
So this $50 billion pyramid scheme run by Wall Street banker Bernie Madoff, the owner of the New York Mets had money invested in it. And that’s only his second-worst investment from back then, because of course, he also bought the Mets.
An Iraqi cameraman threw his shoes at President Bush and called him a dog. Now, I don’t know how Iraqis treat their politicians, but I know I don’t want to be a dog there. That’s not a nice way to treat a dog. Luckily, Bush was able to duck out of the way, showing his skill at dodging anything thrown at him by reporters.
The brother of the guy who threw his shoes at President Bush said it was spontaneous, and not pre-planned. Really? He was going to ask: “Um, Mr. Bush, what are your thoughts on Kirkuk?” But instead, he went: “Um, ah, arrrgghhh! This is the farewell kiss, you dog!” Sometimes I feel Chris Matthews is about to do that. However, a co-worker of the shoe guy said that he’d been thinking of doing “something” for a year. And this is the best he came up with after a year? It’s much better than throwing bombs, but not quite roses, so the Bush administration is calling it a tie.
There is apparently still advertising available during the Super Bowl. And it’s only $3 million for 30 seconds! I know, rush to your phones! Some of the ads are being bought by the Detroit Lions, because that’s as close as they’re getting to the Super Bowl.
Burger King is going to market a men’s fragrance with the smell of meat for only $3.99. For less than that, can’t you just stuff a Whopper in your pants?
The CEO of Playboy, Christie Hefner, has decided to quit and go into pubic service. Wait, I mean, public service. And isn’t that what she’s been doing already? Helping women make their services public?
In South Florida, someone tried to rob a Pizza Hut deliveryman, and he defended himself by throwing the pizza at the guy. Now, what does he know about these pizzas that we don’t? I knew they were unhealthy, but I didn’t know they were lethal. Are the pizzas made in China?
Someone broke into Paris Hilton’s home and stole $2 million of jewelry. Her housekeepers were home, but said they were not responsible for any valuables left in rooms. She should have kept them in the safe in the lobby.
Good news for some California state employees -- Governor Schwarzenegger is giving them extra time off for Christmas. The bad news -- it’s whether they want it or not.
Today’s headline: Deep Throat Deep Sixed.
This year’s flu is apparently resistant to the flu vaccine people have been getting. Finally, I can feel superior to people who get flu shots.
A Chinese passenger plane took off for Taiwan for the first time since 1949. Here’s a photo. Those are bits of the plane after China shot it down.
So this $50 billion pyramid scheme run by Wall Street banker Bernie Madoff, the owner of the New York Mets had money invested in it. And that’s only his second-worst investment from back then, because of course, he also bought the Mets.
An Iraqi cameraman threw his shoes at President Bush and called him a dog. Now, I don’t know how Iraqis treat their politicians, but I know I don’t want to be a dog there. That’s not a nice way to treat a dog. Luckily, Bush was able to duck out of the way, showing his skill at dodging anything thrown at him by reporters.
The brother of the guy who threw his shoes at President Bush said it was spontaneous, and not pre-planned. Really? He was going to ask: “Um, Mr. Bush, what are your thoughts on Kirkuk?” But instead, he went: “Um, ah, arrrgghhh! This is the farewell kiss, you dog!” Sometimes I feel Chris Matthews is about to do that. However, a co-worker of the shoe guy said that he’d been thinking of doing “something” for a year. And this is the best he came up with after a year? It’s much better than throwing bombs, but not quite roses, so the Bush administration is calling it a tie.
There is apparently still advertising available during the Super Bowl. And it’s only $3 million for 30 seconds! I know, rush to your phones! Some of the ads are being bought by the Detroit Lions, because that’s as close as they’re getting to the Super Bowl.
Burger King is going to market a men’s fragrance with the smell of meat for only $3.99. For less than that, can’t you just stuff a Whopper in your pants?
The CEO of Playboy, Christie Hefner, has decided to quit and go into pubic service. Wait, I mean, public service. And isn’t that what she’s been doing already? Helping women make their services public?
In South Florida, someone tried to rob a Pizza Hut deliveryman, and he defended himself by throwing the pizza at the guy. Now, what does he know about these pizzas that we don’t? I knew they were unhealthy, but I didn’t know they were lethal. Are the pizzas made in China?
Someone broke into Paris Hilton’s home and stole $2 million of jewelry. Her housekeepers were home, but said they were not responsible for any valuables left in rooms. She should have kept them in the safe in the lobby.
Good news for some California state employees -- Governor Schwarzenegger is giving them extra time off for Christmas. The bad news -- it’s whether they want it or not.
Today’s headline: Deep Throat Deep Sixed.
This year’s flu is apparently resistant to the flu vaccine people have been getting. Finally, I can feel superior to people who get flu shots.
A Chinese passenger plane took off for Taiwan for the first time since 1949. Here’s a photo. Those are bits of the plane after China shot it down.
12/20
1. President Bush has now made it easier for insurance companies to not pay for medical procedures for ethical reasons. I was shocked -- insurance companies have ethics? Maybe this is to balance all the procedures they deny for unethical reasons. “You know, we are just morally opposed to heart surgery.”
2. General Motors and Chrysler are now going to get a $4 billion bailout from Canada. What, are they like panhandlers now? “Hey, Mexico, can you spare some change? We need to make a phone call. And greener cars.” Which is about as believable as the phone call part. They’ve hired a new consultant. Can we get a shot of him? [Show picture of panhandler on the street.] He’s going to advise them on proper sign wording. There’s the honest approach. [Show panhandler with sign reading “Why lie? I want a corporate retreat in the Bahamas.”] There’s the pity approach. [“Suffering from terminal stupidity. No one wants to buy my huge expensive trucks. Please help.”]
3. Someone broke into Paris Hilton’s home and stole $2 million of jewelry. Her housekeepers were home, but said they were not responsible for any valuables left in rooms. She should have kept them in the safe in the lobby.
4. Good news for some California state employees - Governor Schwarzenegger is giving them extra time off for Christmas. The bad news - it’s whether they want it or not.
5. Today's headline: Deep Throat Deep Sixed.
2. General Motors and Chrysler are now going to get a $4 billion bailout from Canada. What, are they like panhandlers now? “Hey, Mexico, can you spare some change? We need to make a phone call. And greener cars.” Which is about as believable as the phone call part. They’ve hired a new consultant. Can we get a shot of him? [Show picture of panhandler on the street.] He’s going to advise them on proper sign wording. There’s the honest approach. [Show panhandler with sign reading “Why lie? I want a corporate retreat in the Bahamas.”] There’s the pity approach. [“Suffering from terminal stupidity. No one wants to buy my huge expensive trucks. Please help.”]
3. Someone broke into Paris Hilton’s home and stole $2 million of jewelry. Her housekeepers were home, but said they were not responsible for any valuables left in rooms. She should have kept them in the safe in the lobby.
4. Good news for some California state employees - Governor Schwarzenegger is giving them extra time off for Christmas. The bad news - it’s whether they want it or not.
5. Today's headline: Deep Throat Deep Sixed.
Friday, December 19, 2008
12/19
1. Yesterday, the internet connection between the Middle East and Europe got disconnected, which means Saudi Arabians will have to start having sex with their wives. Or at least their maids.
2. General Motors and Chrysler are going to get $17.4 billion in “short-term” loans. Short-term, because they’ll run through that in about [look at watch] a few hours.
3. A new study says that sneezing can be a sign of sexual attraction. That explains why I like furry women.
4. This year’s flu is apparently resistant to the flu vaccine people have been getting. Finally, I can feel superior to people who get flu shots.
5. Barack Obama has picked conservative pastor Rick Warren to give his inauguration prayer. There has been some controversy, though, because Warren opposes same-sex marriage and abortion. Well, if you’re going to have a Republican, that’s a compromise you have to make. So did Mother Teresa.
2. General Motors and Chrysler are going to get $17.4 billion in “short-term” loans. Short-term, because they’ll run through that in about [look at watch] a few hours.
3. A new study says that sneezing can be a sign of sexual attraction. That explains why I like furry women.
4. This year’s flu is apparently resistant to the flu vaccine people have been getting. Finally, I can feel superior to people who get flu shots.
5. Barack Obama has picked conservative pastor Rick Warren to give his inauguration prayer. There has been some controversy, though, because Warren opposes same-sex marriage and abortion. Well, if you’re going to have a Republican, that’s a compromise you have to make. So did Mother Teresa.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
12/18
1. Burger King is going to market a men’s fragrance with the smell of meat for only $3.99. For less than that, can’t you just stuff a Whopper in your pants?
2. The last South Korean troops in Iraq were brought home yesterday. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “There were South Korean troops in Iraq?” It’s because everyone in South Korea has to serve in the military, so they run out of things for them to do. There are South Korean troops under my desk. Which explains all the holes in my socks.
3. Japan is forecasting zero growth for next year. Zero. Things are especially bad because they’re moving all their factories to the U.S. to hire our cheap workers.
4. Scientists now say that Mars is more hospitable to life than previously thought, which inspired Obama to announce that people with foreclosed homes can be sent there.
5. Israeli riot police injured 50 people yesterday, but this is true, they were other Israeli riot police in a training exercise. If this is what they do to each other, imagine what they do to the Palestinians. It got worse when the injured riot police declared their own homeland in the hospital.
2. The last South Korean troops in Iraq were brought home yesterday. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “There were South Korean troops in Iraq?” It’s because everyone in South Korea has to serve in the military, so they run out of things for them to do. There are South Korean troops under my desk. Which explains all the holes in my socks.
3. Japan is forecasting zero growth for next year. Zero. Things are especially bad because they’re moving all their factories to the U.S. to hire our cheap workers.
4. Scientists now say that Mars is more hospitable to life than previously thought, which inspired Obama to announce that people with foreclosed homes can be sent there.
5. Israeli riot police injured 50 people yesterday, but this is true, they were other Israeli riot police in a training exercise. If this is what they do to each other, imagine what they do to the Palestinians. It got worse when the injured riot police declared their own homeland in the hospital.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
12/17
1. There is apparently still advertising available during the Super Bowl. And it’s only $3 million for 30 seconds! I know, rush to your phones! Some of the ads are being bought by the Detroit Lions, because that’s as close as they’re getting to the Super Bowl.
2. The CEO of Playboy, Christie Hefner, has decided to quit and go into pubic service. Wait, I mean, public service. And isn’t that what she’s been doing already? Helping women make their services public?
3. The Mexican government has now decided that going undercover is legal. Which means Italian restaurants across America can finally reveal their Mexican cooks to the world.
4. Yesterday, on the 60th anniversary of the Declaration of Human Rights, the Chinese government arrested dozens of peaceful protestors. They later explained they thought if was like how people don’t work on Labor Day.
5. And unlike here in America, consumers in China are apparently still buying plenty of stuff. Apparently, they’ve discovered a way to eat plastic, because most of their food is poisoned.
2. The CEO of Playboy, Christie Hefner, has decided to quit and go into pubic service. Wait, I mean, public service. And isn’t that what she’s been doing already? Helping women make their services public?
3. The Mexican government has now decided that going undercover is legal. Which means Italian restaurants across America can finally reveal their Mexican cooks to the world.
4. Yesterday, on the 60th anniversary of the Declaration of Human Rights, the Chinese government arrested dozens of peaceful protestors. They later explained they thought if was like how people don’t work on Labor Day.
5. And unlike here in America, consumers in China are apparently still buying plenty of stuff. Apparently, they’ve discovered a way to eat plastic, because most of their food is poisoned.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
12/16
1. The brother of the guy who threw his shoes at President Bush said it was spontaneous, and not pre-planned. Really? He was going to ask: “Um, Mr. Bush, what are your thoughts on Kirkuk?” But instead, he went: “Um, ah, arrrgghhh! This is the farewell kiss, you dog!” Sometimes I feel Chris Matthews is about to do that. However, a co-worker of the shoe guy said that he’d been thinking of doing “something” for a year. And this is the best he came up with after a year? It’s much better than throwing bombs, but not quite roses, so the Bush administration is calling it a tie.
2. When I read articles on Iraq, there will be some long explanation of legal issues, and then suddenly at the end, oh by the way, eight police officers were killed in a bomb attack. Where did that come from? That’s like some big article on endangered mountain lion, and then at the end, oh by the way, on the corner of Smith and Main Street, firefighters rescued a kitten from a tree.
3. So oil prices continue to fall. You really have to feel for the oil companies. Yeah, awww. In fact, oil prices have fallen to their lowest since 2005! Oh my god! That was a time before iPhones!
4. The new prime minister of Thailand says that his favorite book is “The Myth of Sisyphus”, which means he’s really going to love being prime minister of Thailand.
5. A Chinese passenger plane took off for Taiwan for the first time since 1949. Here’s a photo. Those are bits of the plane after China shot it down.
2. When I read articles on Iraq, there will be some long explanation of legal issues, and then suddenly at the end, oh by the way, eight police officers were killed in a bomb attack. Where did that come from? That’s like some big article on endangered mountain lion, and then at the end, oh by the way, on the corner of Smith and Main Street, firefighters rescued a kitten from a tree.
3. So oil prices continue to fall. You really have to feel for the oil companies. Yeah, awww. In fact, oil prices have fallen to their lowest since 2005! Oh my god! That was a time before iPhones!
4. The new prime minister of Thailand says that his favorite book is “The Myth of Sisyphus”, which means he’s really going to love being prime minister of Thailand.
5. A Chinese passenger plane took off for Taiwan for the first time since 1949. Here’s a photo. Those are bits of the plane after China shot it down.
Monday, December 15, 2008
12/15
1. An Iraqi cameraman threw his shoes at President Bush and called him a dog. Now, I don’t know how Iraqis treat their politicians, but I know I don’t want to be a dog there. That’s not a nice way to treat a dog. Luckily, Bush was able to duck out of the way, showing his skill at dodging anything thrown at him by reporters.
2. Some of the biggest banks in the world have lost money in this $50 billion fraud run by Bernie Madoff. This follows on their huge losses in the fraud known as “intelligent home buyers”. After subprime loans, are we surprised they gave so much money to someone who couldn’t pay them back? Next, we’re going to find that the banks were lending money to my uncle Joey.
3. Casinos have been losing a lot of money in the current recession, and some people say that the gambling age should be lowered to 18. Yeah, teach kids to throw their money away early. That’s an important lesson. And you know, they should be getting more money from the young and healthy, instead of from buses of senior citizens.
4. A new study says that obesity may be partially due to having a different brain than thinner people. Which has increased the demand for brain removal surgery. Luckily, the only people who want it have already had it done.
5. Madonna gave Guy Ritchie $90 million. Considering his budgets, he’ll be able to make about 20 movies with that.
2. Some of the biggest banks in the world have lost money in this $50 billion fraud run by Bernie Madoff. This follows on their huge losses in the fraud known as “intelligent home buyers”. After subprime loans, are we surprised they gave so much money to someone who couldn’t pay them back? Next, we’re going to find that the banks were lending money to my uncle Joey.
3. Casinos have been losing a lot of money in the current recession, and some people say that the gambling age should be lowered to 18. Yeah, teach kids to throw their money away early. That’s an important lesson. And you know, they should be getting more money from the young and healthy, instead of from buses of senior citizens.
4. A new study says that obesity may be partially due to having a different brain than thinner people. Which has increased the demand for brain removal surgery. Luckily, the only people who want it have already had it done.
5. Madonna gave Guy Ritchie $90 million. Considering his budgets, he’ll be able to make about 20 movies with that.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
12/13
1. In South Florida, someone tried to rob a Pizza Hut deliveryman, and he defended himself by throwing the pizza at the guy. Now, what does he know about these pizzas that we don’t? I knew they were unhealthy, but I didn’t know they were lethal. Are the pizzas made in China?
2. So this $50 billion pyramid scheme run by Wall Street banker Bernie Madoff, the owner of the New York Mets had money invested in it. And that’s only his second-worst investment from back then, because of course, he also bought the Mets.
3. The Indian Navy has captured 23 pirates. What is going on? First India goes to the moon, then it captures pirates. Pretty soon it’s going to be arresting politicians in Illinois.
4. The head of the U.S. military in Iraq says that we are in the endgame there. Good, I’ll be glad when we’re done with the games. This has all been a game?
5. A Russian woman has been named Miss World after a two-hour ceremony in South Africa. This is all part of Putin’s plan. First the oil, then the beauty pageants, then the oil to put on the beauty contestants.
2. So this $50 billion pyramid scheme run by Wall Street banker Bernie Madoff, the owner of the New York Mets had money invested in it. And that’s only his second-worst investment from back then, because of course, he also bought the Mets.
3. The Indian Navy has captured 23 pirates. What is going on? First India goes to the moon, then it captures pirates. Pretty soon it’s going to be arresting politicians in Illinois.
4. The head of the U.S. military in Iraq says that we are in the endgame there. Good, I’ll be glad when we’re done with the games. This has all been a game?
5. A Russian woman has been named Miss World after a two-hour ceremony in South Africa. This is all part of Putin’s plan. First the oil, then the beauty pageants, then the oil to put on the beauty contestants.
Friday, December 12, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Yesterday, Barack Obama gave a speech, and there’s good news and bad news. The good news is he said “we will find smarter ways to invest your tax money”. The bad news -- he was giving the speech in China.
A new study says the moods of total strangers can cheer you up. Maybe that’s why the Clintons stay together.
A major discovery has come from Chile’s VLT, which stands for Very Large Telescope. There are LTs, which are Large Telescopes, and VLTs, which are Very Large Telescopes. But the VLT is not as big as Colorado’s HJTIFLT, which stands for Holy Jesus This Is a Fucking Large Telescope.
This year, more people searched Google for information on Sarah Palin than any other topic. Most of the searches came from John McCain’s staff.
In Honolulu, groups of tourists are starting to visit places where Barack Obama grew up. Whew! Good to see Honolulu finally getting a little tourism money, huh? Before Obama, it was nothing but a wasteland of beautiful beaches and warm weather.
In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.
The person in charge of the bailout of the Big Three car companies is going to be known as the “car czar”. As in: “These car czar not selling.”
Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next there’ll be a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.
Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”
A doctor in France is claiming that if you take a certain drug, you will lose all your craving for alcohol. And that drug’s name is heroin.
The governor of Illinois, Ron Blagojevich, has been arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat, calling it “fucking golden”. However, that’s just because Obama had his seat in the Senate coated in solid gold. Hey, they were running out of things to spend all that campaign money on!
Scientists have now developed temporary bone that can be injected into the body. It was created to help heal broken bones, but there were some problems when it got in the hands of Hugh Hefner. Apparently he was developing an immunity to Viagra.
A new study says the moods of total strangers can cheer you up. Maybe that’s why the Clintons stay together.
A major discovery has come from Chile’s VLT, which stands for Very Large Telescope. There are LTs, which are Large Telescopes, and VLTs, which are Very Large Telescopes. But the VLT is not as big as Colorado’s HJTIFLT, which stands for Holy Jesus This Is a Fucking Large Telescope.
This year, more people searched Google for information on Sarah Palin than any other topic. Most of the searches came from John McCain’s staff.
In Honolulu, groups of tourists are starting to visit places where Barack Obama grew up. Whew! Good to see Honolulu finally getting a little tourism money, huh? Before Obama, it was nothing but a wasteland of beautiful beaches and warm weather.
In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.
The person in charge of the bailout of the Big Three car companies is going to be known as the “car czar”. As in: “These car czar not selling.”
Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next there’ll be a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.
Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”
A doctor in France is claiming that if you take a certain drug, you will lose all your craving for alcohol. And that drug’s name is heroin.
The governor of Illinois, Ron Blagojevich, has been arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat, calling it “fucking golden”. However, that’s just because Obama had his seat in the Senate coated in solid gold. Hey, they were running out of things to spend all that campaign money on!
Scientists have now developed temporary bone that can be injected into the body. It was created to help heal broken bones, but there were some problems when it got in the hands of Hugh Hefner. Apparently he was developing an immunity to Viagra.
12/12
1. A new survey shows that nearly half of all men lie about what they read in order to impress women. Shouldn’t that just be: “lie about reading, period”?
2. Traffic fatalities are at their lowest level on record. Yeah, because in the summer, no one could afford to drive, and now that they can, they have nowhere to go since they lost their jobs.
3. California has a budget shortfall of $42 billion. And the Big Three automakers are getting $4 billion. Maybe you could just give the $4 billion to California and they’ll buy the cars.
4. A new study says that sugar might be as addictive as cocaine. Which means it’s even worse, because at least with cocaine, you might lose some weight.
5. The attorney-general of Illinois has said that Governor Blagojevich should resign, or she’ll press charges. Well, no, as we’ve learned from Larry Craig - just keep going to work.
2. Traffic fatalities are at their lowest level on record. Yeah, because in the summer, no one could afford to drive, and now that they can, they have nowhere to go since they lost their jobs.
3. California has a budget shortfall of $42 billion. And the Big Three automakers are getting $4 billion. Maybe you could just give the $4 billion to California and they’ll buy the cars.
4. A new study says that sugar might be as addictive as cocaine. Which means it’s even worse, because at least with cocaine, you might lose some weight.
5. The attorney-general of Illinois has said that Governor Blagojevich should resign, or she’ll press charges. Well, no, as we’ve learned from Larry Craig - just keep going to work.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
12/10
1. There might be a special election in Illinois to fill Obama’s Senate seat, and extra care will be taken to see that no bribes are given out. In Illinois, that is a very special election.
2. The person in charge of the bailout of the Big Three car companies is going to be known as the “car czar”. As in: “These car czar not selling.”
3. A major discovery has come from Chile’s VLT, which stands for Very Large Telescope. There are LTs, which are Large Telescopes, and VLTs, which are Very Large Telescopes. But the VLT is not as big as Colorado’s HJTIFLT, which stands for Holy Jesus This Is a Fucking Large Telescope.
4. This year, more people searched Google for information on Sarah Palin than any other topic. Most of the searches came from John McCain’s staff.
5. The British prime minister Gordon Brown mistakenly said in a speech yesterday that his government had “saved the world”. No, actually, Barack Obama is going to save the world. Just a correction.
2. The person in charge of the bailout of the Big Three car companies is going to be known as the “car czar”. As in: “These car czar not selling.”
3. A major discovery has come from Chile’s VLT, which stands for Very Large Telescope. There are LTs, which are Large Telescopes, and VLTs, which are Very Large Telescopes. But the VLT is not as big as Colorado’s HJTIFLT, which stands for Holy Jesus This Is a Fucking Large Telescope.
4. This year, more people searched Google for information on Sarah Palin than any other topic. Most of the searches came from John McCain’s staff.
5. The British prime minister Gordon Brown mistakenly said in a speech yesterday that his government had “saved the world”. No, actually, Barack Obama is going to save the world. Just a correction.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
12/09
1. The governor of Illinois, Ron Blagojevich, has been arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat, calling it “fucking golden”. However, that’s just because Obama had his seat in the Senate coated in solid gold. Hey, they were running out of things to spend all that campaign money on!
2. Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next we’ll hear about a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.
3. A woman in China actually lost part of her hearing after a passionate kiss from her boyfriend. The doctor said that the loss of air pressure in her mouth ruptured her eardrum. What was he using, a vacuum cleaner? Maybe the Chinese can make a hat for guys when they kiss, so if there’s a loss in mouth pressure, an oxygen mask will pop out of the brim like on airplanes.
4. Detroit auto executives are still having a hard time convincing Congress to give them bailout money. You know, maybe they shouldn’t have started the hearings by saying: [cheesy voice] “Hey, tell you what I’m gonna do, just for today, and just for you because I like your face.”
5. A new study says that eating nuts every day can help people control obesity. But a major health group warned: “You can’t just sit on the sofa this Christmas and eat nuts”. Well, of course - you have to eat cookies and cake and drink eggnog too.
2. Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose sliced his arm while cutting food in bed. He’s cutting food in bed? How big is his bed? Does it have a kitchen? Next we’ll hear about a player spraining his ankle by mowing the lawn in bed.
3. A woman in China actually lost part of her hearing after a passionate kiss from her boyfriend. The doctor said that the loss of air pressure in her mouth ruptured her eardrum. What was he using, a vacuum cleaner? Maybe the Chinese can make a hat for guys when they kiss, so if there’s a loss in mouth pressure, an oxygen mask will pop out of the brim like on airplanes.
4. Detroit auto executives are still having a hard time convincing Congress to give them bailout money. You know, maybe they shouldn’t have started the hearings by saying: [cheesy voice] “Hey, tell you what I’m gonna do, just for today, and just for you because I like your face.”
5. A new study says that eating nuts every day can help people control obesity. But a major health group warned: “You can’t just sit on the sofa this Christmas and eat nuts”. Well, of course - you have to eat cookies and cake and drink eggnog too.
Monday, December 8, 2008
12/08
1. A new study says that cold sores may be one of the causes of Alzheimer’s Disease, which means kissing causes Alzheimer’s. At least you won’t kiss and tell, because you won’t even remember being kissed.
2. The CEO of Merrill Lynch is asking for a $10 million bonus, because the company only got taken over in desperation, rather than actually going bankrupt. That’s like a security guard saying “Hey, sure I let people loot your store. But I didn’t let it burn to the ground! Give me a bonus!”
3. Scientists have now shown that dogs have a basic understanding of fairness. Then why do they put up with eating out of a bowl and rolling over? Don’t we love our dogs because they have no concept of fairness?
4. Some laid-off factory workers in Illinois are camped inside their old factory until they get severance and vacation pay. The union wants Bank of America to help, because the bank cut off financing. I guess when you bail out a bank, the water just goes into another boat.
5. The Supreme Court has thrown out a lawsuit claiming that Obama is too British to be president. Well, Bush acts like a soccer hooligan, but it didn’t stop him.
2. The CEO of Merrill Lynch is asking for a $10 million bonus, because the company only got taken over in desperation, rather than actually going bankrupt. That’s like a security guard saying “Hey, sure I let people loot your store. But I didn’t let it burn to the ground! Give me a bonus!”
3. Scientists have now shown that dogs have a basic understanding of fairness. Then why do they put up with eating out of a bowl and rolling over? Don’t we love our dogs because they have no concept of fairness?
4. Some laid-off factory workers in Illinois are camped inside their old factory until they get severance and vacation pay. The union wants Bank of America to help, because the bank cut off financing. I guess when you bail out a bank, the water just goes into another boat.
5. The Supreme Court has thrown out a lawsuit claiming that Obama is too British to be president. Well, Bush acts like a soccer hooligan, but it didn’t stop him.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
12/07
1. In Honolulu, groups of tourists are starting to visit places where Barack Obama grew up. Whew! Good to see Honolulu finally getting a little tourism money, huh? Before Obama, it was nothing but a wasteland of beautiful beaches and warm weather.
2. In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.
3. Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”
4. A record number of Americans are now riding trains and buses instead of driving. Yeah, I’ve noticed a lot of people who aren’t used to the subway - when it’s crowded, they keep honking. They’re also the ones listening to books on tape, instead of actually reading books in their hands.
5. A new survey says that Angelina Jolie is the highest-paid actress in Hollywood. She makes $15 million per movie. To put it in perspective, the $25 billion auto bailout will be worth 1.67 MegaJolies.
2. In the city of Compton, a record number of people are trading guns to the police in exchange for groceries. However, I find that if I have a gun, groceries are pretty easy to get.
3. Senator Christopher Dodd says the head of General Motors should quit as a condition for a bailout. Oh my god, what if China does the same thing to us? “Hey, if you want to keep getting our money, this Obama guy has got to go.”
4. A record number of Americans are now riding trains and buses instead of driving. Yeah, I’ve noticed a lot of people who aren’t used to the subway - when it’s crowded, they keep honking. They’re also the ones listening to books on tape, instead of actually reading books in their hands.
5. A new survey says that Angelina Jolie is the highest-paid actress in Hollywood. She makes $15 million per movie. To put it in perspective, the $25 billion auto bailout will be worth 1.67 MegaJolies.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
12/06
1. Yesterday, Barack Obama gave a speech, and there’s good news and bad news. The good news is he said “we will find smarter ways to invest your tax money”. The bad news -- he was giving the speech in China.
2. A new study says the moods of total strangers can cheer you up. Maybe that’s why the Clintons stay together.
3. A doctor in France is claiming that if you take a certain drug, you will lose all your craving for alcohol. And that drug’s name is heroin.
4. Scientists have now developed temporary bone that can be injected into the body. It was created to help heal broken bones, but there were some problems when it got in the hands of Hugh Hefner. Apparently he was developing an immunity to Viagra.
5. A Russian ship has passed through the Panama Canal for the first time since World War II. A spokesperson for Panama said that the canal is open to “all the world’s ships”. Well, except for “I Hate Panama Cruise Lines”.
2. A new study says the moods of total strangers can cheer you up. Maybe that’s why the Clintons stay together.
3. A doctor in France is claiming that if you take a certain drug, you will lose all your craving for alcohol. And that drug’s name is heroin.
4. Scientists have now developed temporary bone that can be injected into the body. It was created to help heal broken bones, but there were some problems when it got in the hands of Hugh Hefner. Apparently he was developing an immunity to Viagra.
5. A Russian ship has passed through the Panama Canal for the first time since World War II. A spokesperson for Panama said that the canal is open to “all the world’s ships”. Well, except for “I Hate Panama Cruise Lines”.
Friday, December 5, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
A driver in Texas slammed into another car at 100 mph because he said God told him to. This is why God should never be your co-pilot. And don’t let Jesus drive when it’s raining. The brakes won’t work, because you’ll just keep gliding over the puddles.
A survey in Britain found that the most popular free activity there is sex, while in Washington DC, it’s the most popular paid activity. The next most-popular free activity in the survey was window shopping. A similar survey was done in Amsterdam, but they don’t have separate categories for sex and window shopping.
Many schools in Maryland are going to give kids the day off to go to Barack Obama’s inauguration, because that‘s the only way 95% of his staff could attend.
A man in Malaysia was stabbed to death because he wouldn’t give up the microphone at a karaoke bar. The police ruled it a justifiable homicide. Afterwards, the attacker sang his selection -- “Feelings”.
OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.
In Australia, politicians now have to take alcohol breath tests before voting on laws. This will mean the end of such controversial laws such as G4-7, the “We All Love You Guys Act” or a recent bill approving late-night calls to ex-girlfriends.
Yesterday, a doctor in the Congo performed an amputation with instructions sent through cell-phone text messages. Here are some of the texts: “Cut just below the humerus bone :)” “There’s a lot of blood.” “LOL”
The Austrian city of Salzburg has decided to NOT make a hotel out of the former home of The Sound of Music’s Von Trapp family. The hotel would have been called the Tourist Trapp.
This year, exports by China’s dairy farmers have fallen 92%. However, because of new rules, they’re exporting more actual milk than ever before.
Today is Britney Spears’ 27th birthday. 27? Doesn’t it feel like she should be at least 40? What the hell are the next few years going to bring? She’s already calling her new album “Circus”. Is she going to buy a chimpanzee? If she starts building a ranch in California…
Plaxico Burress, a receiver with the New York Giants, is being sought by police after shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Well, they always said he was good enough to catch bullets.
Detroit car executives are coming to Congress to beg for cash again, and this time, instead of private jets, some are going to drive cars made by their own companies, which means they’ll still end up using the same amount of fuel.
American tourists in Bangkok are still stranded because protesters have taken over two airports. Yes, how horrible for all those people to be stuck in a warm country with delicious food during the winter. I’d write more about how bad I feel for them, but I have to move forward in this unemployment line.
A survey in Britain found that the most popular free activity there is sex, while in Washington DC, it’s the most popular paid activity. The next most-popular free activity in the survey was window shopping. A similar survey was done in Amsterdam, but they don’t have separate categories for sex and window shopping.
Many schools in Maryland are going to give kids the day off to go to Barack Obama’s inauguration, because that‘s the only way 95% of his staff could attend.
A man in Malaysia was stabbed to death because he wouldn’t give up the microphone at a karaoke bar. The police ruled it a justifiable homicide. Afterwards, the attacker sang his selection -- “Feelings”.
OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.
In Australia, politicians now have to take alcohol breath tests before voting on laws. This will mean the end of such controversial laws such as G4-7, the “We All Love You Guys Act” or a recent bill approving late-night calls to ex-girlfriends.
Yesterday, a doctor in the Congo performed an amputation with instructions sent through cell-phone text messages. Here are some of the texts: “Cut just below the humerus bone :)” “There’s a lot of blood.” “LOL”
The Austrian city of Salzburg has decided to NOT make a hotel out of the former home of The Sound of Music’s Von Trapp family. The hotel would have been called the Tourist Trapp.
This year, exports by China’s dairy farmers have fallen 92%. However, because of new rules, they’re exporting more actual milk than ever before.
Today is Britney Spears’ 27th birthday. 27? Doesn’t it feel like she should be at least 40? What the hell are the next few years going to bring? She’s already calling her new album “Circus”. Is she going to buy a chimpanzee? If she starts building a ranch in California…
Plaxico Burress, a receiver with the New York Giants, is being sought by police after shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Well, they always said he was good enough to catch bullets.
Detroit car executives are coming to Congress to beg for cash again, and this time, instead of private jets, some are going to drive cars made by their own companies, which means they’ll still end up using the same amount of fuel.
American tourists in Bangkok are still stranded because protesters have taken over two airports. Yes, how horrible for all those people to be stuck in a warm country with delicious food during the winter. I’d write more about how bad I feel for them, but I have to move forward in this unemployment line.
12/05
1. A man in Malaysia was stabbed to death because he wouldn’t give up the microphone at a karaoke bar. The police ruled it a justifiable homicide. Afterwards, the attacker sang his selection -- “Feelings”.
2. A new study says that men with high intelligence tend to have better sperm, which is good, because they don’t get to use it very often.
3. OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.
4. The new breed of electric cars use batteries made from lithium. That’s because most cars are manic depressive, and without lithium, the cars shift from extremely high speeds to slow plodding motion for no particular reason.
5. Last month, the economy had the biggest rise in job losses for 34 years. Many of the losses were, ironically, for people who write about job losses. So even if hiring goes up again, those people won’t get their jobs back.
2. A new study says that men with high intelligence tend to have better sperm, which is good, because they don’t get to use it very often.
3. OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.
4. The new breed of electric cars use batteries made from lithium. That’s because most cars are manic depressive, and without lithium, the cars shift from extremely high speeds to slow plodding motion for no particular reason.
5. Last month, the economy had the biggest rise in job losses for 34 years. Many of the losses were, ironically, for people who write about job losses. So even if hiring goes up again, those people won’t get their jobs back.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
12/04
1. In Australia, politicians now have to take alcohol breath tests before voting on laws. This will mean the end of such controversial laws such as G4-7, the “We All Love You Guys Act” or a recent bill approving late-night calls to ex-girlfriends.
2. The Bushes have now purchased a home in a wealthy neighborhood in Dallas. They need to use their money now, because he’s not going to make much from the speech circuit or any memoirs. Maybe a puppet show or finger-painting.
3. Well, we got another reminder that Canada is only 99% democracy yesterday, when the prime minister asked the appointed representative of the Queen of England to shut down Parliament, and the representative agreed. This is the first time this has ever happened in Canada in response to an almost certain vote of no confidence. Wait, isn’t Canada a democracy? This is why I’m not moving there. And we thought the electoral college was screwy. Any time a Canadian gives you flak about the electoral college, here’s your ammo.
4. The price of oil has fallen to its lowest level in four years. Aw, isn’t that too bad. I guess the oil companies will just have to live on all the money they grabbed from us in the summer. If they ask for a bailout, I’m getting my torch and pitchfork. Whew, that was close! We Americans almost had to learn our lesson! Good thing that didn’t last.
5. A congresswoman in Florida hung up on Barack Obama, because she thought it was a prank. A lot of Republicans having been hoping the same thing since the election. “Hey, we got you good, Republicans! Yeah, John McCain is really going to be the president. Ohhh, got you again! The president is really going to be Sarah Palin!”
2. The Bushes have now purchased a home in a wealthy neighborhood in Dallas. They need to use their money now, because he’s not going to make much from the speech circuit or any memoirs. Maybe a puppet show or finger-painting.
3. Well, we got another reminder that Canada is only 99% democracy yesterday, when the prime minister asked the appointed representative of the Queen of England to shut down Parliament, and the representative agreed. This is the first time this has ever happened in Canada in response to an almost certain vote of no confidence. Wait, isn’t Canada a democracy? This is why I’m not moving there. And we thought the electoral college was screwy. Any time a Canadian gives you flak about the electoral college, here’s your ammo.
4. The price of oil has fallen to its lowest level in four years. Aw, isn’t that too bad. I guess the oil companies will just have to live on all the money they grabbed from us in the summer. If they ask for a bailout, I’m getting my torch and pitchfork. Whew, that was close! We Americans almost had to learn our lesson! Good thing that didn’t last.
5. A congresswoman in Florida hung up on Barack Obama, because she thought it was a prank. A lot of Republicans having been hoping the same thing since the election. “Hey, we got you good, Republicans! Yeah, John McCain is really going to be the president. Ohhh, got you again! The president is really going to be Sarah Palin!”
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
12/03
1. An ancient stash of marijuana was recently found in China’s Gobi Desert. Scientists believe it belonged to the Chinese emperor, who was then 16 years old. “Mom will never find it in the desert!”
2. Yesterday, a doctor in the Congo performed an amputation with instructions sent through cell-phone text messages. Here are some of the texts: “Cut just below the humerus bone :)” “There’s a lot of blood.” “LOL”
3. The artist with the most nominations at the Grammys this year is rapper Lil Wayne, as the Grammys try to continue their streak of winners with multiple drug offences. They can’t have Amy Winehouse every year.
4. The Austrian city of Salzburg has decided to NOT make a hotel out of the former home of The Sound of Music’s Von Trapp family. The hotel would have been called the Tourist Trapp.
5. The Federal Reserve is going to cut interest rates again, this time t o -2%, which means that banks will actually have to pay you to loan money to you. Which is kind of what taxpayers have already been doing with the bank bailout.
2. Yesterday, a doctor in the Congo performed an amputation with instructions sent through cell-phone text messages. Here are some of the texts: “Cut just below the humerus bone :)” “There’s a lot of blood.” “LOL”
3. The artist with the most nominations at the Grammys this year is rapper Lil Wayne, as the Grammys try to continue their streak of winners with multiple drug offences. They can’t have Amy Winehouse every year.
4. The Austrian city of Salzburg has decided to NOT make a hotel out of the former home of The Sound of Music’s Von Trapp family. The hotel would have been called the Tourist Trapp.
5. The Federal Reserve is going to cut interest rates again, this time t o -2%, which means that banks will actually have to pay you to loan money to you. Which is kind of what taxpayers have already been doing with the bank bailout.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
12/02
1. A driver in Texas slammed into another car at 100 mph because he said God told him to. This is why God should never be your co-pilot. And don’t let Jesus drive when it’s raining. The brakes won’t work, because you’ll just keep gliding over the puddles.
2. This year, exports by China’s dairy farmers have fallen 92%. However, because of new rules, they’re exporting more actual milk than ever before.
3. Today is Britney Spears’ 27th birthday. 27? Doesn’t it feel like she should be at least 40? What the hell are the next few years going to bring? She’s already calling her new album “Circus”. Is she going to buy a chimpanzee? If she starts building a ranch in California…
4. Plaxico Burress, a receiver with the New York Giants, is being sought by police after shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Well, they always said he was good enough to catch bullets.
5. Detroit car executives are coming to Congress to beg for cash again, and this time, instead of private jets, some are going to drive cars made by their own companies, which means they’ll still end up using the same amount of fuel.
2. This year, exports by China’s dairy farmers have fallen 92%. However, because of new rules, they’re exporting more actual milk than ever before.
3. Today is Britney Spears’ 27th birthday. 27? Doesn’t it feel like she should be at least 40? What the hell are the next few years going to bring? She’s already calling her new album “Circus”. Is she going to buy a chimpanzee? If she starts building a ranch in California…
4. Plaxico Burress, a receiver with the New York Giants, is being sought by police after shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub. Well, they always said he was good enough to catch bullets.
5. Detroit car executives are coming to Congress to beg for cash again, and this time, instead of private jets, some are going to drive cars made by their own companies, which means they’ll still end up using the same amount of fuel.
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