9/29

1. Director Francis Ford Coppola’s new movie script was recently stolen. However, it could have been a far greater tragedy for cinema -- it could have been stolen 30 years ago, when he was still making good movies.

2. China is being asked to talk to Burma about treating protesters better. That’s like having your local convenience store raise the price of its coffee and asking Starbucks to talk to them.

3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are helping the Clinton Global Initiative, or CGI, to rebuild New Orleans. That’s because the movie stars already have a ton of experience with CGI. They want to help build an enormous blue screen behind the city, maybe throw in some dinosaurs.

4. Scientists have acquired an almost perfect piece of DNA from the extinct Woolly Mammoth, though they later apologized to relatives for digging up the grave of Andre the Giant.

5. Testicular and cervical cancer increase the chance of divorce. Yes, and I hear breast cancer lowers the chance that you can breast-feed your kids.

9/28

1. In New Zealand, people are being asked to help write laws through a website similar to Wikipedia. So far, the new suggestions have included non-aggressive policing methods and a 524-page description of Star Trek.

2. Some controversial vaccines have been found to not cause brain damage. Unless they’re injected directly into the skull.

3. Burma. Well, there’s nothing funny about what’s going on there.

4. Heavy exercise may cause miscarriages in pregnant women. One suggested way to make sure pregnant women can’t exercise hard is to have them smoke three packs a day.

5. A medical student at Harvard will be given more time during her exams in order to pump breast milk. Yeah, that excuse worked for me too.

BEST OF THE WEEK

The city of Amsterdam is going to buy several brothels and turn them into houses. Those might be tough to sell. “This house is perfect for a growing family. It not only has a kitchen and living room, but also 18 bedrooms.”

California apparently gave away 50,000 lunch boxes to promote nutrition, but now say they may be contaminated with lead. Yes, the California Department of Health -- outsourcing your child’s health to China since 1994. When governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was told, he said that children should listen to a variety of music. His aides then clarified that it wasn’t that type of ‘heavy metal’.

Fidel Castro made his first TV appearance in three months in order to stop rumors that he’s dying. However, the rumors continue, because at one point in the interview he yelled: “Brains! Must eat brains!!!”

In New Zealand, people are being asked to help write laws through a website similar to Wikipedia. So far, the new suggestions have included non-aggressive policing methods and a 524-page description of Star Trek.

The Olympic torch will not pass through Taiwan, because Taiwan and China couldn’t resolve some basic differences. You see, Taiwan wanted the torch to go along a route that highlighted the culture of the island, whereas China wanted the torch to be rammed directly up Taiwan’s ass.

Heavy exercise may cause miscarriages in pregnant women. One suggested way to make sure pregnant women can’t exercise hard is to have them smoke three packs a day.

The movie “Resident Evil” debuted at number one this weekend. It’s the third installment of the series about sinister college-dorm leaders.

A resort hotel in England was banned from using a logo showing a topless nun. It wasn’t so much that the logo was religiously offensive, but that the nun was 87 years old.

Rwanda has earned a prize for “most-improved nation” in Africa and Mauritius has earned the prize for “best governed”. However, it’s not so surprising considering the first is recovering from genocide and the second isn’t even in Africa.

A former missile base in Washington state is for sale. The owner says that it would make an ideal summer camp. Yes, if you have any discipline problems, just remind the kids that Russian missiles are still aimed at their beds.

The Starbucks in China’s Forbidden City has been replaced with a café selling more traditional Chinese drinks. So instead of a shot of espresso, your coffee now comes with a shot to the back of the head.

A company has developed software that tracks people’s conversations over internet phones and then sends ads based on key words. The Bush administration is thrilled that wiretapping can actually earn money.

Catholicism is becoming increasingly popular in China, because the country’s one-child-per-family laws have made it difficult for pedophiles to find children through traditional means.

China has issued new rules for local reality shows. The most difficult one is that all contestants must be ‘mature’, since this immediately disqualifies anyone even applying to be on a reality show.

9/27

1. The movie “Resident Evil” debuted at number one this weekend. It’s the third installment of the series about sinister college-dorm leaders.

2. Nike has unveiled the first shoe designed specifically for Native Americans. After Native Americans learn how to use the shoes, the company plans to take them all back and give them away to other people. The shoes are specially designed for use on the carpets in casinos.

3. Sales of durable goods have fallen recently. Durable goods are defined as manufactured goods expected to last for several years. For example Twinkies or Donald Trump’s hair.

4. Leaders of the Episcopal Church have agreed to stop ordaining gay clergy, in order to prevent a split in the Anglican Church. This makes sense, because I’ve known some gay dancers and they can do some amazing splits.

5. The Getty Museum in Los Angeles is going to give back art works that were stolen from Italy. They should have known when the Italian curator was named Vinny the Sculptor.

9/26

1. A resort hotel in England was banned from using a logo showing a topless nun. It wasn’t so much that the logo was religiously offensive, but that the nun was 87 years old.

2. Rwanda has earned a prize for “most-improved nation” in Africa and Mauritius has earned the prize for “best governed”. However, it’s not so surprising considering the first is recovering from genocide and the second isn’t even in Africa.

3. A former missile base in Washington state is for sale. The owner says that it would make an ideal summer camp. Yes, if you have any discipline problems, just remind the kids that Russian missiles are still aimed at their beds.

4. A copy of the Magna Carta, which most historians see as the first time that a ruler was forced to recognize individual liberty and the rule of law, is going on sale. Democratic Congressmen are thinking of buying it, then tracking down President Bush to get him to sign it too.

5. Apple says it wants to “continuously delight” users with new iPhone features, such as a virtual reality feature that allows users to virtually kiss Steve Jobs’ ass.

9/25

1. The Starbucks in China’s Forbidden City has been replaced with a café selling more traditional Chinese drinks. So instead of a shot of espresso, your coffee now comes with a shot to the back of the head.

2. In the new federal budget, the departments of Energy and Water have weapons programs. Are they developing nuclear water balloons?

3. A company has developed software that tracks people’s conversations over internet phones and then sends ads based on key words. The Bush administration is thrilled that wiretapping can actually earn money.

4. Florida has now decided to move up its Democratic primary even earlier. The primary for 2012 will take place in Florida on November 5th… 2008. Proto-Senator Al Franken is leading the polls.

5. The fire department in the Swiss city of Geneva has released a rap video to remind people about their new hotline number. The video also features firefighters in hot pants and urges people to write the number in their underwear.

9/24

1. Catholicism is becoming increasingly popular in China, because the country’s one-child-per-family laws have made it difficult for pedophiles to find children through traditional means.

2. China has issued new rules for reality shows. The most difficult one is that all contestants must be ‘mature’, since this immediately disqualifies anyone even applying to be on a reality show.

3. Tasmania is gripped by fear over a fox invasion, but Rupert Murdoch says he won’t change anything.

4. British officials were very worried after discovering a cow with “bluetongue” disease. However, it was later learned that the cow had just been eating a lot of Slurpees.

5. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will speak at Columbia University today. He was also going to speak at the State University of New York, but cancelled when he learned that it’s known by its acronym -- SUNY.

9/22

1. Amsterdam is going to buy several brothels and turn them into houses. Those might be tough to sell. “This house is perfect for a growing family. It not only has a kitchen and living room, but also 18 bedrooms.”

2. California apparently gave out over 50,000 free lunch boxes to promote nutrition, but have now learned that they may be contaminated with lead. The California Department of Health -- outsourcing your child’s health to China since 1994. When governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was told, he said that children should listen to a variety of music. His aides then told him that it wasn’t that type of ‘heavy metal’.

3. Fidel Castro made his first TV appearance in three months in order to stop rumors that he’s dying. However, the rumors continue, because at one point in the interview he yelled: “Brains! Must eat brains!!!”

4. The Olympic torch will not pass through Taiwan, because Taiwan and China couldn’t resolve some basic differences. You see, Taiwan wanted the torch to go along a route that highlighted the history and culture of the island, whereas China wanted the torch to be rammed directly up Taiwan’s ass.

5. Canada has vowed to build new military facilities in the Arctic to counter Russia. I think Canada is letting the strong Canadian dollar go to their heads. “We’ll take over the world!” This gives the Cold War a whole new meaning.

BEST OF THE WEEK

The government has 132 million flu shots available this year, and there is also a nasal-spray vaccine called FluMist. Now why would anyone choose the shot? “Well, we could jab you with this huge needle… or you could just breath this refreshing aroma.” And for the real masochists, there’s the “John Kerry”, where they give you the vaccine with a cattle prod.

The American high-tech stock exchange Nasdaq is going to buy the Scandinavian stock exchange. Not for any good economic reason, but the owners thought that “Nasdaq” would make a great Viking battle cry. “Nasdaq!!!!”

Japan’s top sumo wrestler fled to his native Mongolia after becoming depressed over a suspension. I think you’d be more depressed if you weren’t a top sumo wrestler. Because if you’re top, you’re a god, but if you’re not, you’re just a reeeeeally fat guy.

Police in Florida used a stun gun on someone asking a question of former presidential candidate John Kerry. Later, though, it was learned that the guy just went comatose from Kerry’s answer.

The military in Burma used tear gas to break up a protest by Buddhist monks. Why were the monks protesting? To get an apology for the violent break-up of a previous protest. So I guess the answer is… no.

Britney Spears’ former bodyguard told a courtroom that she took drugs, flaunted herself naked, and put her two children in danger. Then he started telling things we didn’t even know.

The governor of Massachusetts has proposed three new resort casinos for the state. You know, the state’s slogan used to be: “Massachusetts -- You’re more likely to live here.” Oh yeah, what kind of odds will you give me?

An investigation of the sale of helicopters to Saudi Arabia was dropped by a British agency known as the Serious Fraud Office. However, investigations by the Not-So-Serious Fraud Office are still underway, looking into charges that the Saudis didn’t get exact change for some Doritos.

Yale University has agreed to give back artifacts one of their researchers took from Peru a century ago. Apparently they heard Peru had hired O.J. to get the artifacts back.

The U.S. government has fined the Chiquita banana company $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. However, it all balances out, because last year the U.S. government awarded Chiquita $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. It’s all very confusing down there.

A list of the ten most polluted places in the world was just released. Number one on the list -- Sumgayit in Azerbaijan. Number two on the list -- the 14th St. Starbucks bathroom in New York City.

O.J Simpson is being charged with armed robbery for trying to retrieve items he says were stolen from him. He says that he didn’t go to the police because every time he does, “it just becomes a story about O.J.” Yes, as opposed to being charged with armed robbery.

There’s controversy in Romania about whether a castle where Count Dracula stayed one night should be sold to an American. I tell you, foreigners are just sucking the blood out of that country.

The Russian space agency is sending ten gerbils into outer space for tests. They say that gerbils are ideally suited for space flight, because they perform very well in dark, tight… warm… sensual places.

Google announced that internet privacy laws should be stronger, saying: “People’s privacy needs to be protected from groups like Google.” Google then announced the launch of Snoogle, a website where you can watch your neighbors having sex with hidden cameras.

A company has developed a no-stick gum and tested it on the hair of the CEO’s daughter (true). No word on whether it was shot into her hair from a straw.

9/21

1. The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has requested to visit Ground Zero, but the request was turned down. An Iranian spokesman said Ahmadinejad hoped he could find another way to honor 9/11 victims. How about not trying to build a nuclear bomb? I think that would cover it.

2. The government has 132 million flu shots available this year, and there is also a nasal-spray vaccine called FluMist. Now why would anyone choose the shot? “Well, we could jab you with this huge needle… or you could just breath this refreshing aroma.” And for the real masochists, there’s the “John Kerry”, where they give you the vaccine with a cattle prod.

3. There’s a controversy in Romania about whether a castle where Count Dracula stayed one night should be sold to an American. I tell you, foreigners are just sucking the blood out of that country.

4. The American high-tech stock exchange Nasdaq is going to buy the Scandinavian stock exchange. Not for any good economic reason, but the owners thought that “Nasdaq” would make a great Viking battle cry. “Nasdaq!!!!”

5. For the first time in 31 years, a Canadian dollar is worth the same as an American dollar. The Loonies are running the asylum.

9/20

1. Japan’s top sumo wrestler fled to his native Mongolia after becoming depressed over a suspension. I think you’d be more depressed if you weren’t a top sumo wrestler. Because if you’re top, you’re a god, but if you’re not, you’re just a reeeeeally fat guy.

2. O.J. Simpson has been released on bail. However he’s thinking about fleeing, because he heard that the judge might be John Kerry.

3. Premade bagged salad is being recalled over fears that it might have E. Coli bacteria. But you know, there’s always a risk of bacteria when you toss a salad.

4. The Pope refused to see Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. When you meet with the Pope, it’s said that you receive an audience with him, and the Bush Administration likes to control the audience.

5. A family in New York is trying to live for a year without having any impact on the environment. No fridge, no washing machine, no subway, and no guns.

9/19

1. Police in Florida were said to have used a stun gun on someone asking a question of former presidential candidate John Kerry. Later, though, it was learned that the guy just went comatose from Kerry’s answer.

2. The military in Burma used tear gas to break up a protest by Buddhist monks. Why were the monks protesting? To get an apology for the violent break-up of a previous protest. So I guess the answer is… no.

3. Britney Spears’ former bodyguard told a courtroom that she took drugs, flaunted herself naked, and put her two children in danger. Then he started telling things we didn’t even know.

4. In Saudi Arabia, women will finally be asking for the right to drive. Conservatives are worried that if women drive, they will be in danger of immorality. As opposed to the current situation, which forces them to hitchhike.

5. The governor of Massachusetts has proposed three new resort casinos for the state. You know, the state’s slogan used to be: “Massachusetts -- You’re more likely to live here.” Oh yeah, what kind of odds will you give me?

9/18

1. The Minneapolis airport bathroom where Larry Craig was arrested is now attracting tourists. Officials say people keep blowing through.

2. The Italian city of Venice has been trying to introduce contraceptives to pigeons, but they keep slipping off.

3. An investigation of the sale of helicopters to Saudi Arabia was dropped by a British agency known as the Serious Fraud Office. However, investigations by the Not-So-Serious Fraud Office are still underway, looking into charges that the Saudis didn’t get exact change for some Doritos.

4. Yale University has agreed to give back artifacts one of their researchers took from Peru a century ago. Apparently they heard Peru had hired O.J. to get the artifacts back.

5. The U.S. government has fined the Chiquita banana company $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. Fortunately, this will balance out, because last year the US government awarded Chiquita $25 million for paying right-wing militias in Colombia. It’s all very confusing down there.

9/16

1. A list of the ten most polluted places in the world was just released. Number one on the list -- Sumgayit in Azerbaijan. Number two on the list -- the 14th St. Starbucks bathroom in New York City.

2. O.J Simpson is being charged with armed robbery for trying to retrieve items that he says were stolen from him. He says that he didn’t go to the police because every time he does, “it just becomes a story about O.J.” Yes, as opposed to him being charged with armed robbery.

3. France’s foreign minister says the world needs to prepare for possible war with Iran. Well, I guess this is the end of Republicans being anti-French. “What? I love France! Freedom Fries? What are those?” The French President is Sarkozy by name, soooo cozy by reputation.

4. The Russian space agency is sending ten gerbils into outer space for tests. They say that gerbils are ideally suited for space flight, because they perform well in dark, tight… warm… sensual places.

5. The head of Al Qaeda in Iraq has increased his bounty on a Swedish cartoonist if he was “slaughtered like a lamb”. In other words, with mint sauce.

9/15

1. Google has announced that governments need to establish internet privacy laws. Said a Google spokesperson: “People need to be protected from having their privacy violated on the internet by groups like us at Google.” Later that day, Google announced the launch of Snoogle, a website where you can watch your neighbors having sex with hidden cameras.

2. Presidential candidate Joe Biden called Bush’s speech about troop withdrawals in Iraq “shameful and bizarre”. Bizarre? Has he been paying any attention at all over the last four years? ‘Bush is for the war? I thought he was going to announce free gumdrops for everyone!’

3. The mayor of Miami says that a certain criminal is “an extremely violent individual that we don’t need out there in our community.” Yes, as opposed to extremely violent individuals that we DO need out there in our community. Like Russell Crowe. Or Michael Vick. Or me.

4. A company has developed a no-stick gum and tested it on the hair of the CEO’s daughter (true). No word on whether it was shot into the hair from a straw.

5. Google is offering $20 million dollars to the first non-government group to send a robot to the moon and have it do a series of tasks, such as photograph it for Moonview.

BEST OF THE WEEK

Police in Israel have arrested a gang of Israeli neo-Nazis. Yeah, the members are male, between the ages of 16-21, and ALL APPARENTLY FAILED MATH! There are eight of them. Israel has 5.4 million Jews. I think they’re just a tad outnumbered. And I bet they’re going to get a realllly nice reception in Israeli prison. “Could you bend over and pick up my yarmulke?”

In Great Britain, immigrants will soon have to prove that they can speak English. Soccer players, however, will be exempt, because of fears that David Beckham wouldn’t pass the test.

In the first-ever soccer match between humans and robots yesterday, the U.S. women’s team tied North Korea.

Scientists say that birth-control pills will decrease your chances of developing a malignant tumor. That’s a mean thing to call a fetus.

A new study says that having an older sibling can make you shorter. The main reasons were lower blood sugar in mothers and constant noogie attacks. I can imagine sibling arguments now: “Mom always had more blood sugar for you!”

The leaders at the Asian Pacific Economic Conference have reached a deal on climate change that, lucky for them, doesn’t contain any actual commitments. The Australian prime minister John Howard said that it was an important milestone towards imaginary environmental protection.

Researchers claim that rabies could be wiped out within a decade. Immediate protests came from the makers of cartoon shaving cream. “How else will cartoon dogs be able to frighten their owners in a matter of seconds?”

An official in China has been accused of corruption by eleven former mistresses. Eleven! The People’s Daily newspaper said: “Pang did not expect that he would be brought down by his own 11 mistresses.” Well, who expects that? Even in mistresses we’re falling behind the world.

A new list of endangered species came out recently, and the only animal doing better is the echo parakeet. Forget lowland gorillas and river dolphins. We’re saving a bird that imitates car alarms.

Oil prices are at record highs, with a barrel of sweet crude going above $80 for the first time. The previous record for sweet crude was $50 for a Sarah Silverman ticket.

A new study shows that psychology students are more likely to yawn than engineering students when they see someone else yawning. At first they thought this was because psychology students are more empathetic, but actually the university’s psychology department was just really boring.

In preparation for the Olympics, China has developed computers that can understand a variety of languages over the phone. Efforts are being made to install the computers in the United States at Chinese takeout restaurants.

Scientists have found a Viking ship under the parking lot of a bar. They are now working hard to find out exactly where it came from, because the owners will owe about five million in parking fees.

At the MTV Video Music Awards, Kid Rock and Tommy Lee had a fight in the audience. They were apparently arguing over who was the most washed-up ex-husband of Pamela Anderson.

The Washington Post says that 14 percent of Americans are Latino, but only 9 percent of the voting electorate, partially because of lower citizenship rates. But if they’re not citizens, wouldn’t that make them not Americans?

In Jerusalem, a drainage tunnel was found that ancient Jews used to escape from Roman conquerors. The tunnel was found because modern Israelis still use it to hide from Italian tourists.

The honey crop this year has been extremely bad. When asked for his opinion, Donald Trump disagreed. “No, I think this year has a fine crop of honeys, many of whom will be at my Miss USA pageant.”

9/14

1. A new study says that having an older sibling can make you shorter. The main reasons were lower blood sugar in mothers and constant noogie attacks. I can imagine sibling arguments now: “Mom always had more blood sugar for you!”

2. A new list of endangered species came out recently, and the only animal doing better is the echo parakeet. Forget lowland gorillas and river dolphins. We’re saving a bird that imitates car alarms.

3. Oil prices are at record highs, with a barrel of sweet crude going above $80 for the first time. The previous record for sweet crude was $50 for a Sarah Silverman ticket.

4. Italians are being urged to go on a pasta strike to protest rising costs. However, what really worries pasta makers is a strike by college students.

5. Scientists say that eating tangerine peels can kill cancer cells. Next we’re going to hear: “When you have a Snickers bar, eat the wrapper.”

9/13

1. Scientists say that birth-control pills will decrease your chances of developing a malignant tumor. That’s a mean thing to call a fetus.

2. Indonesia has banned unauthorized people from managing traffic. They’ve got people managing traffic for free? Can they come to my neighborhood?

3. Many people say the next attorney general will be Theodore Olson, but this may be difficult with mounting speculation that he is the long-lost Olson triplet. It was a very long delivery for their mother. About thirty years.

4. The latest tape of Osama Bin Laden was hacked and distributed a day before al-Qaeda was able to release it. Al-Qaeda is now saying that capitalism maybe isn’t so bad and want help enforcing copyright laws. They’ve also launched a jihad against computer pirates.

5. The prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, is going to resign. His party lost a major midterm election, the opposition is trying to get him to bring troops home from the Middle East, and his officials keep resigning in clouds of scandal. Yes, we are still talking about Japan.

9/12

1. In the first-ever soccer match between humans and robots yesterday, the U.S. women’s team tied North Korea.

2. A new study shows that psychology students are more likely to yawn than engineering students when they see someone else yawning. At first they thought this was because psychology students are more empathetic, but actually the university’s psychology department was just really boring.

3. In preparation for the Olympics, China has developed computers that can understand a variety of languages over the phone. Efforts are being made to also install the computers in the United States at Chinese takeout restaurants.

4. Scientists have found a Viking ship under the parking lot of a bar. They are now working hard to find out exactly where it came from, because the owners will owe about five million in parking fees.

5. Researchers discovered that birds called godwits fly as much as 7,150 miles to lay eggs, without eating or drinking. And humans riot if they don’t get a meal flying from New York to Chicago. The name ‘godwit’ comes from the fact that when God created these birds, he definitely had a sense of humor. “Sure, they’re from New Zealand, but let’s have them fly across an entire ocean to lay their eggs. Ha ha ha!”

9/11

1. At the MTV Video Music Awards, Kid Rock and Tommy Lee had a fight in the audience. They were apparently arguing over who was the most washed-up ex-husband of Pamela Anderson.

2. The Washington Post says that Latinos are 14 percent of Americans, but only 9 percent of the voting electorate, partially because of lower citizenship rates. But if they’re not citizens, wouldn’t that make them not Americans?

3. In Jerusalem, a drainage tunnel has been found that ancient Jews used to escape from Roman conquerors. Ironically, they also found modern Israelis still using the tunnel to hide from Italian tourists.

4. The honey crop this year has been extremely bad. When asked for his opinion, Donald Trump disagreed. “No, I think this year has a fine crop of honeys, many of whom will be at my Miss USA pageant.”

5. The Democratic presidential candidates held the first ever debate held in Spanish. Most of the candidates were successful at showing their sensitivity to Latinos, except for Hillary Clinton, who kept trying to translate her own answers by adding “o” to every English word.

9/8

1. Police in Israel have arrested a gang of Israeli neo-Nazis. Yeah, the members are male, between the ages of 16-21, and ALL APPARENTLY FAILED MATH! There are eight of them. Israel has 5.4 million Jews. I think they’re just a tad outnumbered. And I bet they’re going to get a realllly nice reception in Israeli prison. “Could you bend over and pick up my yarmulke?”

2. In Great Britain, immigrants will soon have to prove that they can speak English. Soccer players, however, will be exempt, because otherwise David Beckham wouldn’t pass the test.

3. The leaders at the Asian Pacific Economic Conference have reached a deal on climate change that, lucky for them, doesn’t contain any actual commitments. The Australian prime minister John Howard said that it was a very important milestone towards imaginary environmental protection.

4. Researchers claim that rabies could be wiped out within a decade. Immediate protests came from the makers of cartoon shaving cream. “How else will cartoon dogs be able to frighten their owners in a matter of seconds?”

5. An official in China has been accused of corruption by eleven former mistresses. Eleven! The People’s Daily newspaper said: “Pang did not expect that he would be brought down by his own 11 mistresses.” Well, who expects that? Even in mistresses we’re falling behind the world.

BEST OF THE WEEK

NATO has discovered that the Taliban is using Chinese-made weapons. How easy is it to get Chinese-made weapons? Well, I went to Chinatown here in New York and was easily able to buy these illegal surface-to-air missiles.

Fred Thompson has announced that he’s running for president. Wasn’t he already in the race? How long does it take for someone to be in the race? Soon we’ll hear an announcement from George W. Bush that he is definitely absolutely A-100% in the running for 2000.

In China, a new gallery will display government officials involved in scandals. A similar gallery has gone up in the United States on the internet. Just go to this web address: www.whitehouse.gov.

Apple announced a $200 price cut for the iPhone only two weeks after it went on sale. Some of the people who lined up for days to pay the original cost were very upset, until Steve Jobs activated the microchips in their brains, and they all re-pledged to immediately buy whatever Apple makes in the future.

Parents of the children in the reality TV show “Kid Nation” had to waive their right to sue the network even if their kids died! Apparently though, parents have to do the same thing at the Little League World Series. Have you seen the size of some of those ‘12-year-olds’?

Mattel is now recalling 675,000 Barbie accessories. Well, you know how women have that ‘no lead paint on the third date’ rule.

The journal “Nature Medicine” recently announced a new schizophrenia drug. Out of 200 patients tested, they got positive results from 346.

Central America is currently dealing with the onslaught of Felix the Cat… egory Five hurricane.

In South Africa, Archbishop Desmond Tutu has become the official patron of Barbecue Day. He said barbecue is uniquely South African. Really? From the picture here, it looks like he’s eating hot dogs. He also said that eating can bring people together -- “short people, tall people, fat people, lean people”. Well, especially the fat people, but still.

9/7

1. An exchange between President Bush and President Roh of South Korea was described as “light but testy”. Sounds like they’re describing a dish at the Olive Garden. At one point, Roh asked Bush if he “could be a little bit clearer”. Is he aware of who he’s talking to? Asking Bush to be clearer is like taunting the school’s star wrestler for being dyslexic. Bush immediately launched a full-scale noogie-attack on South Korea.

2. Yesterday, an Australian comedy show made it all the way to Bush’s hotel by just putting Canadian flags on their cars. They only turned back when they got nervous over how deep into the security zone they were getting. Wow, I guess no one takes Canada seriously.

3. Yesterday, the pope paid silent tribute to victims of the Holocaust, which was pretty appropriate considering how silent the Vatican was during the Holocaust.

4. During a speech at the Sydney Opera House, President Bush was asked whether he was really serious about climate change, Bush replied: “Nooooooooooooooo. Noooooooooooooo.”

5. Researchers are claiming that people with back problems should return to work even if they are not 100% well yet, since the self-esteem of work can help them get better faster. We here at @@@ firmly believe in this, which is why Jeff Thorne, one of our set assistants has returned to work today. Can we get a shot of him? (Show a person with his body completely encased in metal or cast, almost like the Tin Man, with a clipboard and walkie-talkie stuck to his chest.)

9/6

1. Fred Thompson has announced that he’s running for president. Wasn’t he already in the race? How long does it take for someone to be in the race? Soon we’ll hear an announcement from George W. Bush that he is definitely absolutely A-100% in the running for 2000.

2. When Apple announced a $200 price cut for the iPhone only two weeks after it went on sale, some of the people who lined up for days to pay the original cost were very upset. Until Steve Jobs activated the microchips he has implanted in their brains, and they all re-pledged to immediately buy whatever Apple makes in the future.

3. I love the literal names of places where President Bush is meeting other leaders in Australia. For example, a lot of talks are taking place in Government House. That’s like calling Mount Rushmore, ‘Four Faces Carved in Stolen Land’.

4. Democrat fundraiser and fugitive, Norman Hsu, has again failed to appear in court. Police are setting traps by having Barack Obama lookalikes wander aimlessly around cities with signs asking for campaign contributions.

5. [photo] In South Africa, Archbishop Desmond Tutu has become the official patron of Barbecue Day. He said barbecue is uniquely South African. Really? From the picture here, it looks like he’s eating hot dogs. He also said that eating can bring people together -- “short people, tall people, fat people, lean people”. Well, especially the fat people, but still.

9/5

1. Parents of the children in the reality TV show “Kid Nation” had to waive their right to sue the network even if their kid died! Apparently though, parents have to do the same thing at the Little League World Series. Have you seen the size of some of those ‘12-year-olds’?

2. Yahoo bought a behavioral ad website called Blue Lithium yesterday. Behavioral ads track what web surfers are looking at, then target ads at them. So if someone is looking at, say, suitcases and swimsuits, they might get ads for Florida hotels. Or if they’re looking for information on Republican politicians, they might get a listing of all the local public bathrooms.

3. Mattel is now recalling 675,000 Barbie accessories. Well, you know women have that ‘no lead paint on the third date’ rule.

4. In Nepal, the national airline sacrificed two goats to appease a Hindu god after technical problems with one of its planes. Fortunately, they were able to make a profit by selling the meat to United Airlines, which used it for chicken.

5. Scientists report that male bears communicate with each other by rubbing trees, in order to avoid fights. Well, humans do that too. That’s why I rub my body on other blogs.

9/4

1. The journal “Nature Medicine” recently announced a new schizophrenia drug. Out of 200 patients tested, they got positive results from 346.

2. Central America is currently dealing with the onslaught of Felix the Cat… egory Five hurricane.

3. [photo] NATO forces in Afghanistan have discovered that the Taliban is using Chinese-made weapons. How easy is it to get Chinese-made weapons? Well, I went to Chinatown here in New York and was easily able to buy these illegal surface-to-air missiles. (Show bottle rockets.)

4. In China, a new gallery has opened that displays government officials involved in scandals. A similar gallery has gone up in the United States on the internet. Just go to this web address: www.whitehouse.gov.

5. Brad Pitt was hugged by a crazed fan yesterday at the Venice Film Festival. However, it was later discovered that the fan was actually a 33-year-old Moroccan woman hoping to get a green card by being adopted by him.

9/3

1. Larry Craig, the senator from Idaho who was arrested for making lewd overtures in a public restroom, is going to resign. The governor of Idaho will appoint another senator, and as for the new senator‘s sexual orientation, I think we should look at the governor’s nickname, which is, I’m not making this up: “Butch”.

2. The mayor of a city in Russia has banned officials from using certain phrases, such as “We’re having lunch,” “I think I was off sick at the time,” and “I’m not dealing with this.” Other phrases that might be banned soon are “President Putin threatened to kill my family,” “I drank shoe polish instead of vodka,” and “If you make me change the vending machine chips, I’ll kidnap your daughter.”

3. To deal with the wild cat problem in Australia, some people are suggesting eating the cats. And in completely unrelated news, Taco Bell is planning its first branch there.

4. There are new guidelines for treating asthma in children, and I have to say, the news left me breathless.

5. A new study says that women are more into kissing than men. Unless you’re Italian.