Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods, since he's been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. The Woods scandal will probably increase Nike sales, since he's finally doing something teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me those sneakers."
President Obama said making houses more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey baby, let’s get naked and put up storm windows.”
A new study says baby-faced people live longer, but only if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.
A new study says people drink more than they think. For example, the average person has 1.8 drinks per hour, but only 1.4 thoughts.
Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. In order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill (true) dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because (true) a new tax was added for tanning salons.
Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold Illinois’s ex-politicians.
A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing – holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – lots of masturbation and internet porn.
Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she made him turn off his cell phone. Other passengers were also upset, because it meant Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. And most of the families were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
Eritrea’s government will cut spending by not buying any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sarah Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that‘s how starving people eat.
President Obama said making houses more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey baby, let’s get naked and put up storm windows.”
A new study says baby-faced people live longer, but only if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.
A new study says people drink more than they think. For example, the average person has 1.8 drinks per hour, but only 1.4 thoughts.
Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. In order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill (true) dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because (true) a new tax was added for tanning salons.
Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold Illinois’s ex-politicians.
A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing – holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – lots of masturbation and internet porn.
Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she made him turn off his cell phone. Other passengers were also upset, because it meant Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. And most of the families were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
Eritrea’s government will cut spending by not buying any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sarah Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that‘s how starving people eat.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
12/19
1. Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform from Senator Ben Nelson, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. Nelson demanded on principle that no federal money be used for abortions. He also demanded extra money for his state. In the Nelson Amendment, it’s known as the Blagojevich Clause. Also, in order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because a new tax was added for tanning salons.
2. A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
3. A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
4. 3D movies will soon be available in people’s homes. As opposed to the people watching them, who are steadily becoming more two-dimensional.
5. The U.N. called the Copenhagen climate control deal a good “first step”. Philosophers were thrilled, because after Bali, Kyoto, Rio, etc., etc., it’s yet another example for Zeno’s Paradoxes.
2. A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
3. A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
4. 3D movies will soon be available in people’s homes. As opposed to the people watching them, who are steadily becoming more two-dimensional.
5. The U.N. called the Copenhagen climate control deal a good “first step”. Philosophers were thrilled, because after Bali, Kyoto, Rio, etc., etc., it’s yet another example for Zeno’s Paradoxes.
Friday, December 18, 2009
12/18
1. After the Tiger Woods affairs, there have been lots of advice articles about “Could your marriage handle an affair?” And countless wives are thinking: “If I had millions of dollars coming to me, hell yes!” Swiss watch maker Tag Heuer said it will drop Tiger Woods as a sponsor. But wouldn’t he be the perfect spokesman for needing good timekeeping on a tight schedule? Also, Woods’s caddy said he will never caddy for anyone else. Which is kind of ironic, considering.
2. A new study shows the average person drinks more than he thinks. For example, the average person consumes 1.8 drinks per hour but has only 1.4 thoughts.
3. Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sara Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that’s what starving people do.
4. The Chinese government wants to meter all internet traffic that crosses its borders, and some people think it has a “hidden agenda”. No, I think it’s just an “agenda”. There’s nothing very hidden about it.
5. Pepsi has decided to not buy ads during the Super Bowl, because its new campaign focuses on community service. Because there’s nothing that says community service like nutritionless sugar water. And Pepsi could still do that in a Super Bowl commercial. Every time people swear, it could pay to have a little Pepsi can over their mouths.
2. A new study shows the average person drinks more than he thinks. For example, the average person consumes 1.8 drinks per hour but has only 1.4 thoughts.
3. Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sara Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that’s what starving people do.
4. The Chinese government wants to meter all internet traffic that crosses its borders, and some people think it has a “hidden agenda”. No, I think it’s just an “agenda”. There’s nothing very hidden about it.
5. Pepsi has decided to not buy ads during the Super Bowl, because its new campaign focuses on community service. Because there’s nothing that says community service like nutritionless sugar water. And Pepsi could still do that in a Super Bowl commercial. Every time people swear, it could pay to have a little Pepsi can over their mouths.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
12/17
1. Japan’s central bank said it won’t tolerate lower prices for consumers. Now there’s a government working for the people. And with that, Subway Japan was banned from selling 500-yen footlongs.
2. Beijing now has 4 million vehicles and 6 million drivers. So what are the extra 2 million drivers doing? Probably looking for parking.
3. Iraqi insurgents have hacked into unmanned American drones, because the military didn’t encrypt their signals! So basically, it would have been harder to hack Starbucks wifi. Although I think unmanned drones are the next step in Starbucks cost-cutting.
4. Cabin crews from British Airways have planned a strike during Christmas. Well, if they need anyone to take over for a couple flights…
5. An undersea formation shaped like a fried egg might be the crater of a meteor. Scientists say a volcanic origin is unlikely, since the egg would have then been boiled.
2. Beijing now has 4 million vehicles and 6 million drivers. So what are the extra 2 million drivers doing? Probably looking for parking.
3. Iraqi insurgents have hacked into unmanned American drones, because the military didn’t encrypt their signals! So basically, it would have been harder to hack Starbucks wifi. Although I think unmanned drones are the next step in Starbucks cost-cutting.
4. Cabin crews from British Airways have planned a strike during Christmas. Well, if they need anyone to take over for a couple flights…
5. An undersea formation shaped like a fried egg might be the crater of a meteor. Scientists say a volcanic origin is unlikely, since the egg would have then been boiled.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
12/16
1. A female weightlifter gave birth during training, because she didn’t know she was pregnant. However, she was thrilled, because it immediately dropped her to a lower weight class. She was having nausea in the morning, but assumed it was just a side effect of steroids.
2. Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing: Holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – masturbation and internet porn.
3. Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she asked him to turn off his cell phone. Surrounding passengers were also upset, because it meant that Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
4. Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. Time called the Fed the most “powerful, secret, least understood” force in the economy. Well, except for Cash4Gold.
5. The government is suing Intel over unfair business practices. The computer-maker Gateway said that Intel beat them “into guacamole”. However, Intel said that was only to make Gateway tastier for its chips.
2. Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing: Holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – masturbation and internet porn.
3. Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she asked him to turn off his cell phone. Surrounding passengers were also upset, because it meant that Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
4. Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. Time called the Fed the most “powerful, secret, least understood” force in the economy. Well, except for Cash4Gold.
5. The government is suing Intel over unfair business practices. The computer-maker Gateway said that Intel beat them “into guacamole”. However, Intel said that was only to make Gateway tastier for its chips.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
12/15
1. President Obama said retrofitting houses to make them more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey, honey, let’s spend a romantic evening putting in storm windows.”
2. Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold many of Illinois’s ex-politicians.
3. Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. Most of the families said they were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
4. After being attacked, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told his supporters that “love always triumphs over hate”. Which is maybe why he soothes the pain of a bad marriage by flirting with teenage girls.
5. Eritrea’s government announced a plan to cut spending, by not bothering to buy any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
2. Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold many of Illinois’s ex-politicians.
3. Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. Most of the families said they were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
4. After being attacked, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told his supporters that “love always triumphs over hate”. Which is maybe why he soothes the pain of a bad marriage by flirting with teenage girls.
5. Eritrea’s government announced a plan to cut spending, by not bothering to buy any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
Monday, December 14, 2009
12/14
1. A new study says baby-faced people live longer. That is, if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists also emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.
2. Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi got a bloody nose from a man throwing a model of a cathedral. Good thing he didn’t also throw holy water, or Berlusconi would have gotten burns too.
3. Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods. Especially since Woods has been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. This is probably actually going to increase Nike sales, since Woods is finally doing something that urban teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me some of those sneakers."
4. Senator Joe Lieberman opposed lowering the minimum age for Medicare to 55. He doesn’t want anything to interfere with his own insurance plan, which is to serve on the board of Hartford insurance companies when he retires.
5. Developing countries are threatening to walk out of the Copenhagen climate talks, saying that richer countries aren’t doing enough. To which Denmark’s representative said: “Go ahead and walk out. It’s December. You’ll see we Danish wouldn’t actually mind a little global warming.”
2. Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi got a bloody nose from a man throwing a model of a cathedral. Good thing he didn’t also throw holy water, or Berlusconi would have gotten burns too.
3. Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods. Especially since Woods has been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. This is probably actually going to increase Nike sales, since Woods is finally doing something that urban teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me some of those sneakers."
4. Senator Joe Lieberman opposed lowering the minimum age for Medicare to 55. He doesn’t want anything to interfere with his own insurance plan, which is to serve on the board of Hartford insurance companies when he retires.
5. Developing countries are threatening to walk out of the Copenhagen climate talks, saying that richer countries aren’t doing enough. To which Denmark’s representative said: “Go ahead and walk out. It’s December. You’ll see we Danish wouldn’t actually mind a little global warming.”
Sunday, December 13, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.
The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.
A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. That’s why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
There have been fears that Zhu Zhu Pet toys can cause vomiting, but this didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.”
Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
Information leaked yesterday says the family of the mayor of Washington DC doesn’t get screened at airports. Excuse me? Have you seen some of the mayors of Washington DC? They should be screened before going into a 7-11.
AT&T is complaining that iPhone customers use too much bandwidth. So AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones. Like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
Gillette razors is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”
A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went across the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American side, and finally ended in California garment factories.
The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.
A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. That’s why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
There have been fears that Zhu Zhu Pet toys can cause vomiting, but this didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.”
Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
Information leaked yesterday says the family of the mayor of Washington DC doesn’t get screened at airports. Excuse me? Have you seen some of the mayors of Washington DC? They should be screened before going into a 7-11.
AT&T is complaining that iPhone customers use too much bandwidth. So AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones. Like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
Gillette razors is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”
A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went across the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American side, and finally ended in California garment factories.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
12/12
1. The razor company Gillette is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”
2. A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went along the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American coast, and finally ended in California sweatshops.
3. In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. Which is why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
4. Google has announced that its designers are using a special Google phone that makes it even easier for them to violate people’s privacy on the go.
5. There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
2. A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went along the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American coast, and finally ended in California sweatshops.
3. In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. Which is why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
4. Google has announced that its designers are using a special Google phone that makes it even easier for them to violate people’s privacy on the go.
5. There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
Friday, December 11, 2009
12/11
1. The NBC show Dateline is going to have a “special report” called “The Secret Life of Tiger Woods”. I don’t know if they’ve been paying attention, but there’s not much secret anymore. What else do they have? Was he involved in the Kennedy Assassination? And now a Las Vegas madam says Woods paid for sex with her escorts, giving new meaning to the golf phrase “a hundred bucks a hole”.
2. A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
3. A woman in Florida has been charged with attacking her boyfriend with raw steak. That doesn’t sound bad, until you find out how raw it was – it was still in cow form. She’s been charged with starting a stampede.
4. A new book attempts to unify Spanish grammar for the entire world, but with allowances for different dialects, such as Mexico, Argentina, and most people north of Pittsburgh trying to pronounce “quesadilla”. The book also clarifies that, despite rumors, Bill Cosby is not speaking Spanish.
5. Miley Cyrus’s Grammy nomination for best song written for a movie was disqualified, because the song wasn’t actually written for the movie. Didn’t she know this? Maybe after Obama’s Nobel Prize, she figured it’s all about how you feel. “I changed the direction of the song to be inspired by the movie.”
2. A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
3. A woman in Florida has been charged with attacking her boyfriend with raw steak. That doesn’t sound bad, until you find out how raw it was – it was still in cow form. She’s been charged with starting a stampede.
4. A new book attempts to unify Spanish grammar for the entire world, but with allowances for different dialects, such as Mexico, Argentina, and most people north of Pittsburgh trying to pronounce “quesadilla”. The book also clarifies that, despite rumors, Bill Cosby is not speaking Spanish.
5. Miley Cyrus’s Grammy nomination for best song written for a movie was disqualified, because the song wasn’t actually written for the movie. Didn’t she know this? Maybe after Obama’s Nobel Prize, she figured it’s all about how you feel. “I changed the direction of the song to be inspired by the movie.”
Thursday, December 10, 2009
12/10
1. Information about airport security that was released on the internet shows that the immediate family of the mayor of Washington DC is exempt from screening. Excuse me? Have you see some of the mayors of Washington DC? They shouldn’t be exempt from screening to get into a late-night 7-11.
2. AT&T wants to limit iPhone customers, because they use their phones too much and AT&T can’t handle the volume. AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones, like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
3. Facebook is trying to push its users to make their information more public, because that’s “the way the world is moving”. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. Facebook also announced plans to generate massive amounts of CO2 to speed up global warming, since that’s also the way the world is moving.
4. Eli Roth, the director of torture porn movies like “Hostel”, has admitted working in the sex porn industry as a college student. His next logical step? Directing gourmet cooking shows featuring the most artery-clogging recipes ever imagined.
5. In the Philippines, a group of men have taken hostages to get police to drop charges of murder and robbery. But if you think local police are the type to drop murder charges if you kidnap people, what makes you think they’re the type to keep their word?
2. AT&T wants to limit iPhone customers, because they use their phones too much and AT&T can’t handle the volume. AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones, like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
3. Facebook is trying to push its users to make their information more public, because that’s “the way the world is moving”. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. Facebook also announced plans to generate massive amounts of CO2 to speed up global warming, since that’s also the way the world is moving.
4. Eli Roth, the director of torture porn movies like “Hostel”, has admitted working in the sex porn industry as a college student. His next logical step? Directing gourmet cooking shows featuring the most artery-clogging recipes ever imagined.
5. In the Philippines, a group of men have taken hostages to get police to drop charges of murder and robbery. But if you think local police are the type to drop murder charges if you kidnap people, what makes you think they’re the type to keep their word?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
12/9
1. Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he apparently gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.
2. The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
3. A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
4. The feds announced that fewer people are changing residence today than any time since World War II, and they would also like to deeply apologize again for putting Japanese Americans in internment camps.
5. Facebook is announcing new privacy options, allowing posts to be seen by “only friends”, “friends of friends”, or “friends with benefits”. So finally, you can accept that friend request from your grandma without fear.
2. The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
3. A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
4. The feds announced that fewer people are changing residence today than any time since World War II, and they would also like to deeply apologize again for putting Japanese Americans in internment camps.
5. Facebook is announcing new privacy options, allowing posts to be seen by “only friends”, “friends of friends”, or “friends with benefits”. So finally, you can accept that friend request from your grandma without fear.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
12/8
1. Zhu Zhu Pet toys were declared safe by the feds, in response to fears that Mr. Squiggles could cause vomiting. The bad news didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.” Federal agencies are notoriously slow to test toys. For example, only last month, it finally okayed “Injuns”.
2. Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
3. Brian Bonsall, a former actor on the ‘80s sitcom “Family Ties”, has been arrested for assault. Bonsall now regrets the fight, which he started when someone called his former co-star Meredith Baxter a lesbian.
4. The president of Serbia was fined for making a toast at a soccer match. Serbia bans alcohol at sports events in order to stop violence. Which is odd, because considering this is Serbia, sports events are one of the least violent places in the country.
5. A woman in Florida says that a McDonald’s refused to hire her because she used to be a man. She should have applied at Burger King, since their slogan is “Have It Your Way”.
2. Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
3. Brian Bonsall, a former actor on the ‘80s sitcom “Family Ties”, has been arrested for assault. Bonsall now regrets the fight, which he started when someone called his former co-star Meredith Baxter a lesbian.
4. The president of Serbia was fined for making a toast at a soccer match. Serbia bans alcohol at sports events in order to stop violence. Which is odd, because considering this is Serbia, sports events are one of the least violent places in the country.
5. A woman in Florida says that a McDonald’s refused to hire her because she used to be a man. She should have applied at Burger King, since their slogan is “Have It Your Way”.
Monday, December 7, 2009
12/7
1. Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism at a site in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.
2. Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
3. The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
4. A man in Florida charged with murder has covered up a swastika tattoo with makeup, because the judge thinks it might prejudice the jury. But I don’t think the makeup is going to help him with a Florida jury (sorry, very localized joke).
5. The White House admitted there have been no credible accounts of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts for years. Some believe he may have gone underground because of a continuing affair with Tiger Woods.
2. Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
3. The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
4. A man in Florida charged with murder has covered up a swastika tattoo with makeup, because the judge thinks it might prejudice the jury. But I don’t think the makeup is going to help him with a Florida jury (sorry, very localized joke).
5. The White House admitted there have been no credible accounts of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts for years. Some believe he may have gone underground because of a continuing affair with Tiger Woods.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A Swedish department store has stopped selling North Korean designer jeans. The jeans come in two models: relaxed fit (the “Kim Jong Il”) and slim fit (the “Everyone Else”).
The leader of a spam e-mail group has been fined $15 million. As part of the punishment, he received the news one dollar at a time via 15 million e-mails. Fortunately, he found a woman in Nigeria who will give him the money if he just sends a bank fee. He was described as the leader of a “spam gang”. Not to be confused with a recent sex scandal at Spam headquarters, which was a “Spam gang bang”. Spam gangs are probably the least scary gangs of all time. Like they say: “Don’t bring spam to a gun fight.”
A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
Stock markets plummeted after Dubai said it couldn’t make payments on its $60 billion debt. But I don’t think Dubai really gets it, since it also announced plans to build the world’s largest debt clock.
South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because it would be the first cow killed by humans since about three seconds earlier.
The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, which was covered in red and yellow lights. Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.
November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.
Somali pirates have taken a huge oil tanker headed for the U.S. Now we might really get some action on them, because you don’t mess with America’s oil. The wrath of Navy SEAL snipers is nothing compared to 200 million American commuters.
The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
The Vatican has condemned Switzerland’s new ban on Muslim minarets. You know, when even the Vatican says you’re being intolerant of Muslims, maybe it’s time to step back and think a bit. And the Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard. Now he’s going to have to hire a Swiss Guard Guard.
Scientists were excited about a man controlling an artificial hand with his thoughts for the first time. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....
The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.
Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a vibrating massage chair to earthquake survivors.
Banks say it’s been very hard to quickly arrange documents to modify loans for people facing foreclosure. I guess they lost all the amazing workers who sped through those piles of dodgy subprime mortgages a few years ago.
The leader of a spam e-mail group has been fined $15 million. As part of the punishment, he received the news one dollar at a time via 15 million e-mails. Fortunately, he found a woman in Nigeria who will give him the money if he just sends a bank fee. He was described as the leader of a “spam gang”. Not to be confused with a recent sex scandal at Spam headquarters, which was a “Spam gang bang”. Spam gangs are probably the least scary gangs of all time. Like they say: “Don’t bring spam to a gun fight.”
A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
Stock markets plummeted after Dubai said it couldn’t make payments on its $60 billion debt. But I don’t think Dubai really gets it, since it also announced plans to build the world’s largest debt clock.
South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because it would be the first cow killed by humans since about three seconds earlier.
The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, which was covered in red and yellow lights. Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.
November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.
Somali pirates have taken a huge oil tanker headed for the U.S. Now we might really get some action on them, because you don’t mess with America’s oil. The wrath of Navy SEAL snipers is nothing compared to 200 million American commuters.
The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
The Vatican has condemned Switzerland’s new ban on Muslim minarets. You know, when even the Vatican says you’re being intolerant of Muslims, maybe it’s time to step back and think a bit. And the Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard. Now he’s going to have to hire a Swiss Guard Guard.
Scientists were excited about a man controlling an artificial hand with his thoughts for the first time. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....
The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.
Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a vibrating massage chair to earthquake survivors.
Banks say it’s been very hard to quickly arrange documents to modify loans for people facing foreclosure. I guess they lost all the amazing workers who sped through those piles of dodgy subprime mortgages a few years ago.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
12/5
1. A Swedish department store has stopped selling North Korean jeans. The jeans come in two models: loose fit (the “Kim Jong Il”) and slim fit (the “Everyone Else”).
2. Scientists were excited that for the first time, a man controlled his artificial hand with just his thoughts. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
3. The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
4. A prisoner in Maine who was wrongly released has now turned himself in. There were apparently two prisoners named Ismail. What makes me think Maine isn’t used to guys named Ismail? And it’s the second time this prison has released the wrong person. So if you want to escape from prison, and your name is Smith -- do your crimes in Maine.
5. An official reprimand for a teacher in Britain said (true): “Mr. Rouse behaved inappropriately in threatening to throw a pupil out of the window.” Yes, I would agree. Now if he’d said “through the window”, that would have been okay.
2. Scientists were excited that for the first time, a man controlled his artificial hand with just his thoughts. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
3. The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
4. A prisoner in Maine who was wrongly released has now turned himself in. There were apparently two prisoners named Ismail. What makes me think Maine isn’t used to guys named Ismail? And it’s the second time this prison has released the wrong person. So if you want to escape from prison, and your name is Smith -- do your crimes in Maine.
5. An official reprimand for a teacher in Britain said (true): “Mr. Rouse behaved inappropriately in threatening to throw a pupil out of the window.” Yes, I would agree. Now if he’d said “through the window”, that would have been okay.
Friday, December 4, 2009
12/4
1. November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.
2. The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
3. The Senate voted yesterday that health insurers had to cover mammograms for middle-aged women. Senators also passed a similar bill requiring the Senate to cover breast exams for hot young women.
4. Two brothers living in a cave in Hungary are going to inherit $6.6 billion. Now that may seem amazing, but remember that Batman lived in a cave too.
5. Google is now offering an online dictionary. That might have helped when they were coming up with their name.
2. The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
3. The Senate voted yesterday that health insurers had to cover mammograms for middle-aged women. Senators also passed a similar bill requiring the Senate to cover breast exams for hot young women.
4. Two brothers living in a cave in Hungary are going to inherit $6.6 billion. Now that may seem amazing, but remember that Batman lived in a cave too.
5. Google is now offering an online dictionary. That might have helped when they were coming up with their name.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
12/3
1. The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, covered in red and yellow lights . Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.
2. The White House held a major job forum today focused on job creation. First up, scheduling more job forums, which will employ thousands.
3. Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
4. The cable company Comcast, regularly voted as having the nation's worst customer service, is going to buy NBC, which offers the nation's worst selection of shows. I hear next Comcast plans to buy Mountain Dew and the Detroit Lions.
5. Vladimir Putin announced he's considering running for president of Russia in 2012. It was the most surprising news since Donald Trump’s announcement that he’s considering using hair spray tomorrow. Or since woman #47 came forward to say she had a quickie with Tiger Woods under a table at Spago’s.
2. The White House held a major job forum today focused on job creation. First up, scheduling more job forums, which will employ thousands.
3. Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
4. The cable company Comcast, regularly voted as having the nation's worst customer service, is going to buy NBC, which offers the nation's worst selection of shows. I hear next Comcast plans to buy Mountain Dew and the Detroit Lions.
5. Vladimir Putin announced he's considering running for president of Russia in 2012. It was the most surprising news since Donald Trump’s announcement that he’s considering using hair spray tomorrow. Or since woman #47 came forward to say she had a quickie with Tiger Woods under a table at Spago’s.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
12/2
1. Meredith Baxter, 1980s sitcom mom and former Lifetime Channel star, has revealed that she is a lesbian. I think after 500 Lifetime movies about abusive husbands, Baxter just decided to spice things up with a new type of domestic partner.
2. The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....
3. A new House bill lets the feds take over any financial firm whose failure is a risk to the nation’s stability. Which means if Warren Buffet goes into a coma, no one will be pulling the plug.
4. The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.
5. A new study shows that men have a gene that lets them grow bigger bodies than women, but at the expense of shorter lifespans. But you know, I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I think it’s not just men getting this gene.
2. The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....
3. A new House bill lets the feds take over any financial firm whose failure is a risk to the nation’s stability. Which means if Warren Buffet goes into a coma, no one will be pulling the plug.
4. The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.
5. A new study shows that men have a gene that lets them grow bigger bodies than women, but at the expense of shorter lifespans. But you know, I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I think it’s not just men getting this gene.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
12/1
1. The leader of a spam e-mail group has been fined $15 million. As part of the punishment, he received the news one dollar at a time via 15 million separate e-mails. Fortunately, he found a woman in Nigeria who will give him the money if he just sends a bank transfer fee. He was described as the leader of a “spam gang”. Not to be confused with a recent sex scandal at Spam headquarters, which was a “Spam gang bang”. Spam gangs are probably the least scary gangs of all time. Like they say: “Don’t bring spam to a gun fight.”
2. A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
3. South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because this would be the first cow in the world killed by humans since about 3 seconds earlier.
4. Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show in California. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday sales. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a massage chair to earthquake survivors.
5. Bank of America is sending customers a one-page sheet with clear explanations of all its credit cards. BofA says it’s doing this to keep customers informed and improve financial literacy. Yes, and criminals plea bargain because they just feel so bad about what they did.
2. A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
3. South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because this would be the first cow in the world killed by humans since about 3 seconds earlier.
4. Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show in California. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday sales. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a massage chair to earthquake survivors.
5. Bank of America is sending customers a one-page sheet with clear explanations of all its credit cards. BofA says it’s doing this to keep customers informed and improve financial literacy. Yes, and criminals plea bargain because they just feel so bad about what they did.
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