1. Roger Clemens testified before Congress that he had never taken Human Growth Hormone. The proceedings were slightly delayed, however, because Clemens couldn’t fit through the door.
2. Royal officials in Japan have held a press conference to complain that the Crown Prince doesn’t visit his parents enough. In related news, most of the elderly population of Florida has announced plans to move to Japan. “You can hold a press conference for that there? We’re going!”
3. In Great Britain, the head of the Anglican church says Muslims should be allowed to have some legal issues decided by religious courts. In related news (true), a court in Saudi Arabia has tried and convicted a woman for witchcraft. Yeah, those religious courts are really doing a bang-up job.
4. Animal rights activists in Australia are upset that a zoo had a nine-year-old elephant get pregnant. The activists say that the elephant is too young, and now its parents are thinking of kicking her out of the exhibit.
5. The U.S. military will shoot down a broken spy satellite in a few weeks. Ahh, let the conspiracy theories begin! The satellite, named the “Huckabee 3000”, had been doing fine until about a month ago on a fuel of faith and comedy, but reality is just proving too powerful.
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