1. Yesterday, a modern art auction set a new price record. Andy Warhol’s “Unframed Empty Space”, seen in this photo [show photo of nothing] sold for $20 million. Unfortunately, it was later discovered to be a forgery.
2. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger helped a little boy who passed out during a speech about improving public education. It was further proof of Schwarzenegger’s belief that “These children are WEAK!!!”
3. Conservative writer William F. Buckley died last night. President Bush said that he had influenced a lot of people, including himself. He then added, “I often feel like I won’t really be understood until the 25th Century either. Wait, we’re talking about Buck Rogers, right?”
4. In Brazil, a search for termites in a monastery uncovered two 200-year-old mummies. It was later determined that one of the ancient women was John McCain’s grandmother.
5. A new government report says that many food distribution and construction firms are controlled by the Mafia. Which might explain why the ‘homemade’ potato salad at my supermarket can also be used as spackle.
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