1. A new prehistoric ocean reptile has been discovered that scientists say could pick up a small car and tear it in half. But hell, if it was a ‘93 Hyundai, even I could do that.
2. Starbucks around the country closed their stores last night to retrain their clerks. And in possibly related news, the number of sleep-related car accidents hit a ten-year high.
3. An FBI photograph of one its most-wanted fugitives has turned out to be an innocent German couple on vacation. Well, let me tell you, I’ve been to Thailand. There’s no such thing as an “innocent” German on vacation.
4. If Michael Jackson doesn’t pay what he owes on his Neverland ranch soon, it’s going on auction. The Catholic Church is thinking of buying it, but lawyers say that wouldn’t be good for the reputation of either it or Jackson.
5. The Los Angeles Times had a poll for how its readers buy their music. The options were “CD”, “Digital download”, “I get them free from file-sharing”, or “8-track”. 8-track? Maybe Hollywood actors aren’t looking younger because of Botox - they’re using time machines.
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