For reasons which don't make much sense anymore, I mostly stopped writing jokes during the writer's strike. But here are the best of what I did write:
Roger Clemens testified before Congress that he had never taken Human Growth Hormone. The proceedings were slightly delayed, however, because Clemens couldn’t fit through the door.
The ball dropping in Times Square on New Year’s Eve is now eco-friendly. Apparently it uses the same energy as 10 toasters. And another light display in Manhattan uses the same energy as three toasters. Which makes me wonder, when did toasters become the slackers of the appliance world? Maybe that’s why my toast always comes out burned. The poor little guy’s just trying to prove himself to me.
Japan has decided to postpone its hunt of humpbacks. Notre Dame is very happy.
Some of Fortune Magazine’s “101 dumbest business decisions of 2007” were Prozac for dogs and Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog. But actually, the $12 million makes sense, considering how much Prozac costs.
Royal officials in Japan have held a press conference to complain that the Crown Prince doesn’t visit his parents enough. In related news, most of the elderly population of Florida has announced plans to move to Japan. “You can hold a press conference for that there? We’re going!”
An essay used by a six-year-old girl to win Hannah Montana tickets has been exposed as fake. The essay apparently began: “I am a single mother of four.”
In New Hampshire, Senator John McCain has swept the voting -- of newspaper editors. Of course, newspapers want to sell copies more than anything else, so if they got to decide the president, they’d probably go with Michael Jackson.
A mysterious giant container washed up in a bay in England, causing rampant speculation until it was then discovered to be a beer tank. They figured it out when the schools of fish in the bay began forming fraternities.
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