1. The classic internet browser Netscape Navigator is disappearing for good. I think one of its big problems is that it’s owned by AOL. That’s like a pager company being run by an 8-track company. Or like Hillary Clinton taking over Barack Obama’s campaign.
2. A new scientific study claims that depression is good for you. But I just can’t get excited about it.
3. A new study says that more than one in every hundred adult Americans is in prison - an all-time high. Many Congressmen were upset by the news, because it means they’re going to have to work even harder to keep up.
4. The new prime minister of Kenya has said that he will heal the ethnic hatred in his country by refocusing his peoples’ energy - on hating the United States.
5. An official in Russia has admitted that the media there has not been equal in its coverage of the elections. I don’t know, was it this actual photo of him fishing? [Show photo of Putin fishing with his shirt off and muscles rippling.] Whereas photos of his opponent have tended to look like this? [Show doctored photo of Medvedev in bed with President Bush.]
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Yesterday, a modern art auction set a new price record. Andy Warhol’s “Unframed Empty Space”, (seen above) sold for $20 million. Unfortunately, it was later discovered to be a forgery.
Conservative writer William F. Buckley died last night. President Bush said he had been a great influence, adding, “I often feel I won’t really be understood until the 25th Century either. Wait, we’re talking about Buck Rogers, right?”
A prehistoric ocean reptile has been discovered that could pick up a small car and tear it in half. But if it was a ‘93 Hyundai, even I could do that.
An alleged FBI photograph of fugitives turned out to be an innocent German couple on vacation. But I’ve been to Thailand. There’s no such thing as an “innocent” German on vacation.
The Catholic Church is thinking of buying Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, but lawyers say that wouldn’t be good for the reputation of either the Church or Jackson.
A new study says that Prozac and other anti-depressants only help people who are “severely depressed”. A group which now includes all the people who paid god-knows how much money for useless Prozac over the years. Which means that the Prozac will probably work for them.
Three thousand villagers in India have attended a wedding for two monkeys. It was the first wedding where the “groom” took his name quite so literally.
Lindsay Lohan is going to pose for photos that replicate moments in Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. After Marilyn Monroe, Lohan says she likes recreating the dead.
The price of high-protein spring wheat rose by almost 25% on Monday. Fortunately for fans of Twinkies, prices are still low for no-protein twenty-year-old zombie wheat.
The New York Philharmonic is playing in North Korea, in the largest US visit to North Korea since the 85th Platoon. North Korean leader Kim Jon Il feels a kinship with classical composers, since so many of them were also batshit crazy with strange hair.
The government is going to build a “virtual fence” along the border, using 100-foot-tall surveillance towers and radar. The system is similar to one used by the Clintons to keep reporters away from Chelsea.
On Thursday, the US embassy in Serbia was attacked and partially burned to the ground by protesters. The Bush administration then decided to evacuate some of the staff -- on Friday! Later in the day, the White House released a warning to Hawaiians about some Japanese planes.
The defense secretary said that the U.S. is prepared to share some of missile defense technology with China. Especially since the parts are made there anyway.
A 16-year-old girl in Argentina has given birth to triplets for the second time. The girl’s mother says she will seek help from the government. Maybe they can buy her some condoms.
Most people in the world’s industrialized countries have a negative view of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Do you think it has anything to do with pictures like this? Is that Putin, or is my local station showing “The Godfather” again?
2/28
1. Yesterday, a modern art auction set a new price record. Andy Warhol’s “Unframed Empty Space”, seen in this photo [show photo of nothing] sold for $20 million. Unfortunately, it was later discovered to be a forgery.
2. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger helped a little boy who passed out during a speech about improving public education. It was further proof of Schwarzenegger’s belief that “These children are WEAK!!!”
3. Conservative writer William F. Buckley died last night. President Bush said that he had influenced a lot of people, including himself. He then added, “I often feel like I won’t really be understood until the 25th Century either. Wait, we’re talking about Buck Rogers, right?”
4. In Brazil, a search for termites in a monastery uncovered two 200-year-old mummies. It was later determined that one of the ancient women was John McCain’s grandmother.
5. A new government report says that many food distribution and construction firms are controlled by the Mafia. Which might explain why the ‘homemade’ potato salad at my supermarket can also be used as spackle.
2. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger helped a little boy who passed out during a speech about improving public education. It was further proof of Schwarzenegger’s belief that “These children are WEAK!!!”
3. Conservative writer William F. Buckley died last night. President Bush said that he had influenced a lot of people, including himself. He then added, “I often feel like I won’t really be understood until the 25th Century either. Wait, we’re talking about Buck Rogers, right?”
4. In Brazil, a search for termites in a monastery uncovered two 200-year-old mummies. It was later determined that one of the ancient women was John McCain’s grandmother.
5. A new government report says that many food distribution and construction firms are controlled by the Mafia. Which might explain why the ‘homemade’ potato salad at my supermarket can also be used as spackle.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
2/27
1. A new prehistoric ocean reptile has been discovered that scientists say could pick up a small car and tear it in half. But hell, if it was a ‘93 Hyundai, even I could do that.
2. Starbucks around the country closed their stores last night to retrain their clerks. And in possibly related news, the number of sleep-related car accidents hit a ten-year high.
3. An FBI photograph of one its most-wanted fugitives has turned out to be an innocent German couple on vacation. Well, let me tell you, I’ve been to Thailand. There’s no such thing as an “innocent” German on vacation.
4. If Michael Jackson doesn’t pay what he owes on his Neverland ranch soon, it’s going on auction. The Catholic Church is thinking of buying it, but lawyers say that wouldn’t be good for the reputation of either it or Jackson.
5. The Los Angeles Times had a poll for how its readers buy their music. The options were “CD”, “Digital download”, “I get them free from file-sharing”, or “8-track”. 8-track? Maybe Hollywood actors aren’t looking younger because of Botox - they’re using time machines.
2. Starbucks around the country closed their stores last night to retrain their clerks. And in possibly related news, the number of sleep-related car accidents hit a ten-year high.
3. An FBI photograph of one its most-wanted fugitives has turned out to be an innocent German couple on vacation. Well, let me tell you, I’ve been to Thailand. There’s no such thing as an “innocent” German on vacation.
4. If Michael Jackson doesn’t pay what he owes on his Neverland ranch soon, it’s going on auction. The Catholic Church is thinking of buying it, but lawyers say that wouldn’t be good for the reputation of either it or Jackson.
5. The Los Angeles Times had a poll for how its readers buy their music. The options were “CD”, “Digital download”, “I get them free from file-sharing”, or “8-track”. 8-track? Maybe Hollywood actors aren’t looking younger because of Botox - they’re using time machines.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
2/26
1. A new study says that Prozac and other anti-depressants only help people who are “severely depressed”. A group which now includes all the people who paid god-knows how much money for useless Prozac over the years. Which means that the Prozac will probably work for them.
2. Three thousand villagers in India have attended a wedding for two monkeys. It was the first wedding where the “groom” took his name quite so literally.
3. Senator Obama is accusing the Clinton campaign of spreading pictures of him wearing African clothes during a visit there. In response, the Obama campaign released photos of Clinton during her visit to the Pacific island of Papua New Guinea. (Show doctored photo of Clinton wearing one of the island’s penis gourds.) It’s just what they wear.
4. The credit card company Visa will offer shares for the first time. Millions of potential stockholders have already received letters saying they have been pre-approved.
5. The price of high-protein spring wheat rose by almost 25% on Monday. Fortunately for fans of Twinkies, prices are still low for no-protein twenty-year-old zombie wheat.
2. Three thousand villagers in India have attended a wedding for two monkeys. It was the first wedding where the “groom” took his name quite so literally.
3. Senator Obama is accusing the Clinton campaign of spreading pictures of him wearing African clothes during a visit there. In response, the Obama campaign released photos of Clinton during her visit to the Pacific island of Papua New Guinea. (Show doctored photo of Clinton wearing one of the island’s penis gourds.) It’s just what they wear.
4. The credit card company Visa will offer shares for the first time. Millions of potential stockholders have already received letters saying they have been pre-approved.
5. The price of high-protein spring wheat rose by almost 25% on Monday. Fortunately for fans of Twinkies, prices are still low for no-protein twenty-year-old zombie wheat.
Monday, February 25, 2008
2/25
1. Most people in the world’s industrialized countries have a negative view of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Do you think it has anything to do with pictures like this? [Show widespread AP shot of Putin at a firing range with a pistol in his hand.] Is that Putin, or is my local station showing “The Godfather” again?
2. French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been caught on film swearing at someone in a crowd, giving yet another reason for his warm bond with President Bush.
3. The New York Philharmonic is playing in North Korea, in the largest US visit to North Korea since the 85th Platoon. North Korean leader Kim Jon Il feels a kinship with classical composers, since so many of them were also batshit crazy with strange hair.
4. Antarctic glaciers are heading to the ocean very fast, hoping that they might also become part of a major documentary.
5. Yes, Ralph Nader is running for president. This whole 9/11 conspiracy theory is gaining traction and he’s realized that his base is calling to him.
2. French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been caught on film swearing at someone in a crowd, giving yet another reason for his warm bond with President Bush.
3. The New York Philharmonic is playing in North Korea, in the largest US visit to North Korea since the 85th Platoon. North Korean leader Kim Jon Il feels a kinship with classical composers, since so many of them were also batshit crazy with strange hair.
4. Antarctic glaciers are heading to the ocean very fast, hoping that they might also become part of a major documentary.
5. Yes, Ralph Nader is running for president. This whole 9/11 conspiracy theory is gaining traction and he’s realized that his base is calling to him.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
2/23
1. The government is going to build a “virtual fence” along the border, using 100-foot-tall surveillance towers and radar. The system is similar to the one used by the Clintons to keep reporters away from Chelsea.
2. Lindsay Lohan is going to pose for photos that replicate moments in Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. After Marilyn Monroe, Lohan says she likes recreating the dead.
3. Vendors who have provided services to the Clinton campaign are starting to worry that they won’t get paid. Hotels, delis, escort services, massage parlors, tear-proof mascara makers. They’re all feeling the bite.
4. A B-2 stealth bomber has just crashed in Guam. Quick recap - these things coast $1.2 billion dollars apiece. Apparently, this particular bomber was code-named the “Clinton”.
5. Computer experts have discovered that secret information can be taken from computer chips by simply freezing them. Sort of like all the beer bottles you left out for recycling in a snowstorm.
2. Lindsay Lohan is going to pose for photos that replicate moments in Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. After Marilyn Monroe, Lohan says she likes recreating the dead.
3. Vendors who have provided services to the Clinton campaign are starting to worry that they won’t get paid. Hotels, delis, escort services, massage parlors, tear-proof mascara makers. They’re all feeling the bite.
4. A B-2 stealth bomber has just crashed in Guam. Quick recap - these things coast $1.2 billion dollars apiece. Apparently, this particular bomber was code-named the “Clinton”.
5. Computer experts have discovered that secret information can be taken from computer chips by simply freezing them. Sort of like all the beer bottles you left out for recycling in a snowstorm.
Friday, February 22, 2008
2/22
1. On Thursday, the US embassy in Serbia was attacked and partially burned to the ground by protesters. The Bush administration then decided to evacuate some of the staff -- on Friday! Later in the day, the White House released a warning to Hawaiians about some Japanese planes.
2. A 16-year-old girl in Argentina has given birth to triplets for the second time. The girl’s mother says she will seek help from the government. Maybe they can buy her some condoms.
3. Barack Obama won the Democrats Abroad primary, whose numbers have soared since President Bush took office. We’re looking forward to those refugees coming home.
4. The government has officially declared that the grey wolf of the northern Rockies is no longer endangered. Others disagree, saying that Larry Craig is still very much endangered.
5. The defense secretary said that the U.S. is prepared to share some of missile defense technology with China. Especially since the parts are made there anyway.
2. A 16-year-old girl in Argentina has given birth to triplets for the second time. The girl’s mother says she will seek help from the government. Maybe they can buy her some condoms.
3. Barack Obama won the Democrats Abroad primary, whose numbers have soared since President Bush took office. We’re looking forward to those refugees coming home.
4. The government has officially declared that the grey wolf of the northern Rockies is no longer endangered. Others disagree, saying that Larry Craig is still very much endangered.
5. The defense secretary said that the U.S. is prepared to share some of missile defense technology with China. Especially since the parts are made there anyway.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Scientists have now found hard evidence (sorry) that the G spot exists. They found an area of thicker tissue in the vaginas of women reporting G spot orgasms. However, this might just be a callus from having so much more sex. One news article said (true) that “the thicker tissue might actually be part of the clitoris - another extremely sensitive area”. Really? The clitoris is extremely sensitive? I’m sure your wife will be glad that you’ve discovered that. Slate magazine actually headlined their article: “Fire in the Hole”.
In Tennessee, lawmakers are trying to ban discussion of homosexuality in schools. Its ancient art program was immediately cancelled. In related news, they’ve also fired all their drama teachers.
Women in Ghana are taking vitamin B12 to increase the size of their asses. However, Dr. Victoria Drake, a professor at Oregon State University, says the only problem that vitamin B12 is known to treat… is a deficiency in vitamin B12. Ghanaian sellers brag that their bottles read: “Made in China”. You know a country has dodgy health standards when “Made in China” is a sign of safety.
A 70-year-old woman in England attempted to hold up a post office with a knife. Later, it was revealed that when she first got in line to rob it, she was only 42.
A new video game controller gives an on-screen character the same facial expressions as the person with the controller. It’s apparently already being used by Hillary Clinton’s handlers.
In honor of Barack Obama’s father being from Kenya, a brand of beer there has been named after Obama. It’s served in jugs, which they emphasize is not because of the shape of his ears. You know, a bar near my house renamed the “kamikaze” the “Bill Clinton” after the way he’s been flying his reputation into his wife’s campaign.
A new commercial for an underwater car shows a couple in formal evening wear driving right into the water. Kind of like a really unaware James Bond. The car can reach a top speed of 77 mph on land, but only 1.8 mph underwater. Which is still faster than commuting during rush hour.
In Tennessee, lawmakers are trying to ban discussion of homosexuality in schools. Its ancient art program was immediately cancelled. In related news, they’ve also fired all their drama teachers.
Women in Ghana are taking vitamin B12 to increase the size of their asses. However, Dr. Victoria Drake, a professor at Oregon State University, says the only problem that vitamin B12 is known to treat… is a deficiency in vitamin B12. Ghanaian sellers brag that their bottles read: “Made in China”. You know a country has dodgy health standards when “Made in China” is a sign of safety.
A 70-year-old woman in England attempted to hold up a post office with a knife. Later, it was revealed that when she first got in line to rob it, she was only 42.
A new video game controller gives an on-screen character the same facial expressions as the person with the controller. It’s apparently already being used by Hillary Clinton’s handlers.
In honor of Barack Obama’s father being from Kenya, a brand of beer there has been named after Obama. It’s served in jugs, which they emphasize is not because of the shape of his ears. You know, a bar near my house renamed the “kamikaze” the “Bill Clinton” after the way he’s been flying his reputation into his wife’s campaign.
A new commercial for an underwater car shows a couple in formal evening wear driving right into the water. Kind of like a really unaware James Bond. The car can reach a top speed of 77 mph on land, but only 1.8 mph underwater. Which is still faster than commuting during rush hour.
2/21
1. Scientists have now found hard evidence (sorry) that the G spot exists. They found an area of thicker tissue in the vaginas of women reporting G spot orgasms. However, this might just be a callus from having so much more sex. One news article said (true) that “the thicker tissue might actually be part of the clitoris - another extremely sensitive area”. Really? The clitoris is extremely sensitive? I’m sure your wife will be glad that you’ve discovered that. Slate magazine actually headlined their article: “Fire in the Hole”.
2. A new video game controller gives an on-screen character the same facial expressions as the person with the controller. It’s apparently already being used by Hillary Clinton’s handlers.
3. In honor of Barack Obama’s father being from Kenya, a brand of beer there has been named after Obama. It’s served in jugs, which they emphasize is not because of the shape of his ears. You know, a bar near my house renamed the “kamikaze” the “Bill Clinton” after the way he’s been flying his reputation into his wife’s campaign.
4. Obama and Clinton are going to debate tonight, in the oldest high school election ever - the Overachiever vs. the Cool Guy. Obama is the Democrat’s version of George W. Bush.
5. In Tennessee, lawmakers are trying to ban discussion of homosexuality in schools. Its ancient art program was immediately cancelled. In related news, they’ve also fired all their drama teachers.
2. A new video game controller gives an on-screen character the same facial expressions as the person with the controller. It’s apparently already being used by Hillary Clinton’s handlers.
3. In honor of Barack Obama’s father being from Kenya, a brand of beer there has been named after Obama. It’s served in jugs, which they emphasize is not because of the shape of his ears. You know, a bar near my house renamed the “kamikaze” the “Bill Clinton” after the way he’s been flying his reputation into his wife’s campaign.
4. Obama and Clinton are going to debate tonight, in the oldest high school election ever - the Overachiever vs. the Cool Guy. Obama is the Democrat’s version of George W. Bush.
5. In Tennessee, lawmakers are trying to ban discussion of homosexuality in schools. Its ancient art program was immediately cancelled. In related news, they’ve also fired all their drama teachers.
Monday, February 18, 2008
2/18
1. Women in Ghana are taking vitamin B12 to increase the size of their asses. However, Dr. Victoria Drake, a professor at Oregon State University, says the only problem that vitamin B12 is known to treat… is a deficiency in vitamin B12. Ghanaian sellers brag that their bottles read: “Made in China”. You know a country has dodgy health standards when “Made in China” is a sign of safety.
2. The European Union made it clear that recognition of Kosovo was not a precedent for separatists elsewhere. Really? Have you looked up the definition of “precedent”?
3. In Italy, police have arrested the leader of one of the world’s biggest organized crime groups. He’s been on the run since the 1980s. 1980s! How do you lead one of the biggest organized crime groups in the world for 20 years, and the police don’t know where you are? It’s like an old Batman TV show.
4. Scientists in Madagascar have found a fossil of a frog that they have named the “frog from hell”. Which is also the name that my aunt called our French neighbor.
5. Officials in Dallas have discovered what might be a transcript of a conversation between Lee Harvey Oswald and his killer, Jack Ruby. Or it might just be a movie script.
2. The European Union made it clear that recognition of Kosovo was not a precedent for separatists elsewhere. Really? Have you looked up the definition of “precedent”?
3. In Italy, police have arrested the leader of one of the world’s biggest organized crime groups. He’s been on the run since the 1980s. 1980s! How do you lead one of the biggest organized crime groups in the world for 20 years, and the police don’t know where you are? It’s like an old Batman TV show.
4. Scientists in Madagascar have found a fossil of a frog that they have named the “frog from hell”. Which is also the name that my aunt called our French neighbor.
5. Officials in Dallas have discovered what might be a transcript of a conversation between Lee Harvey Oswald and his killer, Jack Ruby. Or it might just be a movie script.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
2/16
1. A 70-year-old woman in England attempted to hold up a post office with a knife. Later, it was revealed that when she first got in line to rob it, she was only 42.
2. President Bush is urging a power-sharing deal in Kenya. “But not too much,” he said. “We saw what that led to in the United States.” Surrounded by the smoking ruins of ethnic violence, Bush said, “I have some experience with one-party rule, and it’s not the way to go.”
3. In India, Maoists have bombed one of the state capitals. Maoists? What century is this again? And in Athens, there was reportedly an attack by Spartans.
4. Iranians are urging the Dutch to ban a film about the Koran. I don’t think they get this whole thing about freedom of speech.
5. Athletes at the Beijing Olympics will be allowed to blog. They will not be allowed to post any video of the games themselves, though. Orgies are optional.
2. President Bush is urging a power-sharing deal in Kenya. “But not too much,” he said. “We saw what that led to in the United States.” Surrounded by the smoking ruins of ethnic violence, Bush said, “I have some experience with one-party rule, and it’s not the way to go.”
3. In India, Maoists have bombed one of the state capitals. Maoists? What century is this again? And in Athens, there was reportedly an attack by Spartans.
4. Iranians are urging the Dutch to ban a film about the Koran. I don’t think they get this whole thing about freedom of speech.
5. Athletes at the Beijing Olympics will be allowed to blog. They will not be allowed to post any video of the games themselves, though. Orgies are optional.
Friday, February 15, 2008
2/15
1. A new commercial for an underwater car shows a couple in formal evening wear driving right into the water. Kind of like a really unaware James Bond. The car can reach a top speed of 77 mph on land, but only 1.8 mph underwater. Which is still faster than commuting during rush hour.
2. In Nigeria, 18 men are on trial for dressing like women. Human Rights Watch has written a letter in defense of the men, but one prosecutor said that Human Rights Watch was “grossly misinformed” about the case, and invited a representative to attend. Really? Oh yeah, Human Rights Watch will be fine if they can just see how you’re brutally condemning people for fashion violations.
3. Exxon is suing Venezuela for nationalizing its oil facilities. Wow, an oil company vs. a semi-dictator -- it’s hard to know who to root for here. It’s sort of like trying to root for lions or hyenas -- the gazelle’s still dead.
4. British Airways and Virgin Airlines will pay refunds to former passengers for price fixing fuel surcharges. Oh man, I knew they were overcharging me! So how much do I get back?! Um, anywhere from $4 all the way to $20. This may be the solution to the sub-prime mortgage crisis. They’ll be paid in no time.
5. President Bush is getting ready for his second African tour. It’s in support of his comeback album: “Hey, I’m Still the President, Please Look Over Here, Hey”.
2. In Nigeria, 18 men are on trial for dressing like women. Human Rights Watch has written a letter in defense of the men, but one prosecutor said that Human Rights Watch was “grossly misinformed” about the case, and invited a representative to attend. Really? Oh yeah, Human Rights Watch will be fine if they can just see how you’re brutally condemning people for fashion violations.
3. Exxon is suing Venezuela for nationalizing its oil facilities. Wow, an oil company vs. a semi-dictator -- it’s hard to know who to root for here. It’s sort of like trying to root for lions or hyenas -- the gazelle’s still dead.
4. British Airways and Virgin Airlines will pay refunds to former passengers for price fixing fuel surcharges. Oh man, I knew they were overcharging me! So how much do I get back?! Um, anywhere from $4 all the way to $20. This may be the solution to the sub-prime mortgage crisis. They’ll be paid in no time.
5. President Bush is getting ready for his second African tour. It’s in support of his comeback album: “Hey, I’m Still the President, Please Look Over Here, Hey”.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
BEST OF THE WRITER'S STRIKE
For reasons which don't make much sense anymore, I mostly stopped writing jokes during the writer's strike. But here are the best of what I did write:
Roger Clemens testified before Congress that he had never taken Human Growth Hormone. The proceedings were slightly delayed, however, because Clemens couldn’t fit through the door.
The ball dropping in Times Square on New Year’s Eve is now eco-friendly. Apparently it uses the same energy as 10 toasters. And another light display in Manhattan uses the same energy as three toasters. Which makes me wonder, when did toasters become the slackers of the appliance world? Maybe that’s why my toast always comes out burned. The poor little guy’s just trying to prove himself to me.
Japan has decided to postpone its hunt of humpbacks. Notre Dame is very happy.
Some of Fortune Magazine’s “101 dumbest business decisions of 2007” were Prozac for dogs and Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog. But actually, the $12 million makes sense, considering how much Prozac costs.
Royal officials in Japan have held a press conference to complain that the Crown Prince doesn’t visit his parents enough. In related news, most of the elderly population of Florida has announced plans to move to Japan. “You can hold a press conference for that there? We’re going!”
An essay used by a six-year-old girl to win Hannah Montana tickets has been exposed as fake. The essay apparently began: “I am a single mother of four.”
In New Hampshire, Senator John McCain has swept the voting -- of newspaper editors. Of course, newspapers want to sell copies more than anything else, so if they got to decide the president, they’d probably go with Michael Jackson.
A mysterious giant container washed up in a bay in England, causing rampant speculation until it was then discovered to be a beer tank. They figured it out when the schools of fish in the bay began forming fraternities.
Roger Clemens testified before Congress that he had never taken Human Growth Hormone. The proceedings were slightly delayed, however, because Clemens couldn’t fit through the door.
The ball dropping in Times Square on New Year’s Eve is now eco-friendly. Apparently it uses the same energy as 10 toasters. And another light display in Manhattan uses the same energy as three toasters. Which makes me wonder, when did toasters become the slackers of the appliance world? Maybe that’s why my toast always comes out burned. The poor little guy’s just trying to prove himself to me.
Japan has decided to postpone its hunt of humpbacks. Notre Dame is very happy.
Some of Fortune Magazine’s “101 dumbest business decisions of 2007” were Prozac for dogs and Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog. But actually, the $12 million makes sense, considering how much Prozac costs.
Royal officials in Japan have held a press conference to complain that the Crown Prince doesn’t visit his parents enough. In related news, most of the elderly population of Florida has announced plans to move to Japan. “You can hold a press conference for that there? We’re going!”
An essay used by a six-year-old girl to win Hannah Montana tickets has been exposed as fake. The essay apparently began: “I am a single mother of four.”
In New Hampshire, Senator John McCain has swept the voting -- of newspaper editors. Of course, newspapers want to sell copies more than anything else, so if they got to decide the president, they’d probably go with Michael Jackson.
A mysterious giant container washed up in a bay in England, causing rampant speculation until it was then discovered to be a beer tank. They figured it out when the schools of fish in the bay began forming fraternities.
2/14
1. Roger Clemens testified before Congress that he had never taken Human Growth Hormone. The proceedings were slightly delayed, however, because Clemens couldn’t fit through the door.
2. Royal officials in Japan have held a press conference to complain that the Crown Prince doesn’t visit his parents enough. In related news, most of the elderly population of Florida has announced plans to move to Japan. “You can hold a press conference for that there? We’re going!”
3. In Great Britain, the head of the Anglican church says Muslims should be allowed to have some legal issues decided by religious courts. In related news (true), a court in Saudi Arabia has tried and convicted a woman for witchcraft. Yeah, those religious courts are really doing a bang-up job.
4. Animal rights activists in Australia are upset that a zoo had a nine-year-old elephant get pregnant. The activists say that the elephant is too young, and now its parents are thinking of kicking her out of the exhibit.
5. The U.S. military will shoot down a broken spy satellite in a few weeks. Ahh, let the conspiracy theories begin! The satellite, named the “Huckabee 3000”, had been doing fine until about a month ago on a fuel of faith and comedy, but reality is just proving too powerful.
2. Royal officials in Japan have held a press conference to complain that the Crown Prince doesn’t visit his parents enough. In related news, most of the elderly population of Florida has announced plans to move to Japan. “You can hold a press conference for that there? We’re going!”
3. In Great Britain, the head of the Anglican church says Muslims should be allowed to have some legal issues decided by religious courts. In related news (true), a court in Saudi Arabia has tried and convicted a woman for witchcraft. Yeah, those religious courts are really doing a bang-up job.
4. Animal rights activists in Australia are upset that a zoo had a nine-year-old elephant get pregnant. The activists say that the elephant is too young, and now its parents are thinking of kicking her out of the exhibit.
5. The U.S. military will shoot down a broken spy satellite in a few weeks. Ahh, let the conspiracy theories begin! The satellite, named the “Huckabee 3000”, had been doing fine until about a month ago on a fuel of faith and comedy, but reality is just proving too powerful.
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