BEST OF THE WEEK

In honor of Elvis Presley, they’re coming out with a banana-flavored Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, because Elvis loved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Also in honor of Elvis, they’re urging people to eat about a hundred a day, and every fifth one is going to be laced with speed.

In Germany, there was great shock over a fatal shootout between Italian organized crime groups. Imagine! Italian organized criminals outside of Italy! Good thing we Americans never have to worry about that!

Researchers wanted to remind people that their recommendation of 30 minutes of gentle exercise every day was not as gentle as people might think. For example, chewing doesn’t count.

In India, a six-year-old boy amazed the world by running marathons. But his coach has been arrested and charged with mistreating him. I don’t know about the rest of the evidence, but I think the main tip-off should have been that HE WAS MAKING A SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY RUN MARATHONS!

Karl Rove resigned today. Later, President Bush was heard wandering through the Oval Office singing “If I Only Had a Brain”.

A kidnapped Australian man was released in the African country of Mali. He went there to marry a woman who promised him $86,000. He now says that his main regret was choosing that woman over the one from Nigeria promising him $5,000,000.

The World Health Organization is warning that people who attend the Olympics next year in China may suffer health problems from pollution. Just from attending. Bet the athletes were thrilled to hear about that.

The international aid group CARE has rejected food from the U.S. government, because it says we should buy and produce local food. This may finally put an end to the 30-year-old Snickers Bar subsidy.

John Lennon’s solo songs will now be available through iTunes. Now if we can just get Ringo’s solo work on there, my life will be complete.

News reports say that “angst” has returned to the global markets. They always use emotional words to describe the stock markets -- “angst”, “jitters”, “joy”. But a more physical description seems fitting, like “bulimia”. Binge and purge!

Cell phone maker Nokia is recalling 46 million batteries because they overheat. The only place they won’t be recalling them is China, where Nokia dealers were heard saying: “Overheating? Pussies! Call us when the batteries destroy your liver and make you sterile for life.”

In Karl Rove’s resignation speech, he said that he was honored to be a witness to history, because he was there when Bush invented the new version.

Chief of Staff Josh Bolten told White House aides that if they didn’t resign before Labor Day, they would have to stay until the end of Bush’s term, because Labor Day is traditionally the day when the Bush staff gets together and does some actual work.

Karl Rove said today that he will resign from the White House in order to spend more time with his family. Specifically, the Gambinos.

In Egypt, a man attempted to smuggle 250 baby crocodiles in his luggage. Surprised Egyptian officials said: “Usually crocodiles ARE the luggage.” Why couldn’t he just stick a Filipino maid in there like most Saudis?