1. In honor of Elvis Presley, they’re coming out with a banana-flavored Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, because Elvis loved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Also in honor of Elvis, they’re urging people to eat about a hundred a day, and every fifth one is going to be laced with speed.
2. Rapper 50 Cent has threatened to quit if Kanye West sells more albums than him next week. However, this is almost guaranteed, because Kanye West’s fans know how to use computers.
3. French president Nicolas Sarkozy says the U.S. is a close friend of France. However, this says less about U.S.-France relations and more about whether Sarkozy has any close friends. “He stole my wife, killed my goat, and violated my wine bottles, but eh, what is that between close friends?”
4. President Bush said that the good thing about Sarkozy is that you know where he stands, as opposed to Vladimir Putin. “That guy is into judo, always jumping around.”
5. Russia says it has sent a probe to the North Pole and put a flag on the ocean floor. This week, Oliver Stone has announced a new movie exposing it all as a hoax.
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