BEST OF THE WEEK

The following is all true: A top candidate for prime minister of Australia came to New York recently and went to a strip club. He was then asked to leave the strip club for bad behavior. And his excuse is that he had so much to drink that he can’t remember what he did. To put this is perspective, this is like Hillary Clinton speaking at a college graduation, going to a frat party and doing topless body shots, having college security kick her out for streaking, and when confronted by the press, saying, “Look, I was so wasted, I could have made out with Monica Lewinsky.” However, it gets better. This might give the guy a BETTER chance of becoming prime minister. Especially since a previous prime minister was the world record-holder for fastest beer chugger. Visa applications for moving to Australia are available…

Film fans have voted Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen the ‘least plausible’ on-screen couple. The result was invalid, though, because voters never got to see campaign videos of Mitt Romney and his wife.

YouTube is going to start putting ads on videos. I hear the ads while videos are uploaded will be for the headache medicine Bufferin.

The astronaut who drove 1,000 miles to attack the girlfriend of her former lover has asked to remove her monitoring ankle bracelet, because it’s “uncomfortable, bulky, and causes abrasions on her leg.” Well, diapers do that too, but those didn‘t seem to stop you from getting around.

A new study says people in their 70s are having sex regularly. Around the country, teenage boys are thinking: ‘I have to wait until I’m 70 to get sex regularly?!’

The government has found British Airways guilty of price fixing on fuel surcharges. Now, I don’t understand the fuel surcharge. Why isn’t it just part of the ticket price? Soon, they’re going to be saying: “Free flights! However, you will have to pay some surcharges for fuel, food, flight attendants, seat belts, wings, engines, and airports. But if you just want the ticket and stay in your living room -- absolutely free!”

French newspapers airbrushed president Nicholas Sarkozy’s love handles. So this is why Michael Moore wants to move there so much.

Chinese officials recently accused American soy bean growers of shipping them soy beans contaminated with weeds and dirt. They’re upset, because the weeds and dirt make it very difficult to put lead paint on the soy beans.

Nepal is reducing the fee to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, in order to attract more climbers. But if you want to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, are you really the saving-for-the-future type?

During a plane hijacking in Turkey, when the hijackers opened the door to let out women and children, all the men ran out too. So that’s a tip if an airline has you stuck on the runway for seven hours. Just get them to open the door…

An arm-wrestling arcade game in Japan is being recalled after breaking players’ arms. A spokesman for the game said “even women should be able to beat it.” Wow. “Did I say it broke my arm? Actually, I just rebroke it, since it was still healing from shark wrestling.”