1. The astronaut who drove 1,000 miles to attack the girlfriend of her former lover has asked to remove her monitoring ankle bracelet, because it’s “uncomfortable, bulky, and causes abrasions on her leg.” Well, diapers do that too, but those didn‘t seem to stop you from getting around.
2. In the African nation of Kenya, villagers are claiming that monkeys are sexually harassing their women, pointing at their breasts and then at their own genitals. Man, I was wondering what happened to the guys at the singles bar in my neighborhood. They moved to Kenya!
3. Wheat prices are now at record highs. Good thing Twinkies have a shelf life of a hundred years, so my stockpile will not be affected. Who needs bread? You all scoffed at my Twinkies, but who’s laughing now?
4. A handgun owned by Elvis Presley has been found in a portable toilet. The man who found it didn’t report it to police for a couple days, because he apparently thought it was just “a hunk of burning love”.
5. Scientists in Switzerland have now recreated an out-of-body experience. My girlfriend wasn’t impressed. She said: “Just give them some of your chocolate.”
No comments:
Post a Comment