The following is all true: A top candidate for prime minister of Australia came to New York recently and went to a strip club. He was then asked to leave the strip club for bad behavior. And his excuse is that he had so much to drink that he can’t remember what he did. To put this is perspective, this is like Hillary Clinton speaking at a college graduation, going to a frat party and doing topless body shots, having college security kick her out for streaking, and when confronted by the press, saying, “Look, I was so wasted, I could have made out with Monica Lewinsky.” However, it gets better. This might give the guy a BETTER chance of becoming prime minister. Especially since a previous prime minister was the world record-holder for fastest beer chugger. Visa applications for moving to Australia are available…
Film fans have voted Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen the ‘least plausible’ on-screen couple. The result was invalid, though, because voters never got to see campaign videos of Mitt Romney and his wife.
YouTube is going to start putting ads on videos. I hear the ads while videos are uploaded will be for the headache medicine Bufferin.
The astronaut who drove 1,000 miles to attack the girlfriend of her former lover has asked to remove her monitoring ankle bracelet, because it’s “uncomfortable, bulky, and causes abrasions on her leg.” Well, diapers do that too, but those didn‘t seem to stop you from getting around.
A new study says people in their 70s are having sex regularly. Around the country, teenage boys are thinking: ‘I have to wait until I’m 70 to get sex regularly?!’
The government has found British Airways guilty of price fixing on fuel surcharges. Now, I don’t understand the fuel surcharge. Why isn’t it just part of the ticket price? Soon, they’re going to be saying: “Free flights! However, you will have to pay some surcharges for fuel, food, flight attendants, seat belts, wings, engines, and airports. But if you just want the ticket and stay in your living room -- absolutely free!”
French newspapers airbrushed president Nicholas Sarkozy’s love handles. So this is why Michael Moore wants to move there so much.
Chinese officials recently accused American soy bean growers of shipping them soy beans contaminated with weeds and dirt. They’re upset, because the weeds and dirt make it very difficult to put lead paint on the soy beans.
Nepal is reducing the fee to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, in order to attract more climbers. But if you want to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, are you really the saving-for-the-future type?
During a plane hijacking in Turkey, when the hijackers opened the door to let out women and children, all the men ran out too. So that’s a tip if an airline has you stuck on the runway for seven hours. Just get them to open the door…
An arm-wrestling arcade game in Japan is being recalled after breaking players’ arms. A spokesman for the game said “even women should be able to beat it.” Wow. “Did I say it broke my arm? Actually, I just rebroke it, since it was still healing from shark wrestling.”
Friday, August 24, 2007
8/24
1. The astronaut who drove 1,000 miles to attack the girlfriend of her former lover has asked to remove her monitoring ankle bracelet, because it’s “uncomfortable, bulky, and causes abrasions on her leg.” Well, diapers do that too, but those didn‘t seem to stop you from getting around.
2. In the African nation of Kenya, villagers are claiming that monkeys are sexually harassing their women, pointing at their breasts and then at their own genitals. Man, I was wondering what happened to the guys at the singles bar in my neighborhood. They moved to Kenya!
3. Wheat prices are now at record highs. Good thing Twinkies have a shelf life of a hundred years, so my stockpile will not be affected. Who needs bread? You all scoffed at my Twinkies, but who’s laughing now?
4. A handgun owned by Elvis Presley has been found in a portable toilet. The man who found it didn’t report it to police for a couple days, because he apparently thought it was just “a hunk of burning love”.
5. Scientists in Switzerland have now recreated an out-of-body experience. My girlfriend wasn’t impressed. She said: “Just give them some of your chocolate.”
2. In the African nation of Kenya, villagers are claiming that monkeys are sexually harassing their women, pointing at their breasts and then at their own genitals. Man, I was wondering what happened to the guys at the singles bar in my neighborhood. They moved to Kenya!
3. Wheat prices are now at record highs. Good thing Twinkies have a shelf life of a hundred years, so my stockpile will not be affected. Who needs bread? You all scoffed at my Twinkies, but who’s laughing now?
4. A handgun owned by Elvis Presley has been found in a portable toilet. The man who found it didn’t report it to police for a couple days, because he apparently thought it was just “a hunk of burning love”.
5. Scientists in Switzerland have now recreated an out-of-body experience. My girlfriend wasn’t impressed. She said: “Just give them some of your chocolate.”
Thursday, August 23, 2007
8/23
1. A new study says people in their 70s are having sex regularly. Around the country, teenage boys are thinking: ‘I have to wait until I’m 70 to get sex regularly?!’
2. The government has found British Airways guilty of price fixing on fuel surcharges. Now, I don’t understand the fuel surcharge. Why isn’t it just part of the ticket price? Soon, they’re going to be saying: “Free flights! However, you will have to pay some surcharges for fuel, food, flight attendants, seat belts, wings, engines, and airports. But if you just want the ticket and stay in your living room -- absolutely free!”
3. French newspapers airbrushed president Nicholas Sarkozy’s love handles. So this is why Michael Moore wants to move there so much.
4. Yesterday, President Bush compared Iraq to Vietnam. He was speaking at the convention of music and movie executives. “Hey, you’re going to make millions from this thing.”
5. In Britain, a new dog lifeguard is patrolling the beaches, giving new meaning to the title “Baywatch”.
2. The government has found British Airways guilty of price fixing on fuel surcharges. Now, I don’t understand the fuel surcharge. Why isn’t it just part of the ticket price? Soon, they’re going to be saying: “Free flights! However, you will have to pay some surcharges for fuel, food, flight attendants, seat belts, wings, engines, and airports. But if you just want the ticket and stay in your living room -- absolutely free!”
3. French newspapers airbrushed president Nicholas Sarkozy’s love handles. So this is why Michael Moore wants to move there so much.
4. Yesterday, President Bush compared Iraq to Vietnam. He was speaking at the convention of music and movie executives. “Hey, you’re going to make millions from this thing.”
5. In Britain, a new dog lifeguard is patrolling the beaches, giving new meaning to the title “Baywatch”.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
8/22
1. YouTube is going to put ads in videos. For example, a video of a dog might have an ad for pet products. Or a video of two drunk girls singing might have an ad for their father the President.
2. I hear that the advertising while videos are being uploaded will be for the headache medicine Bufferin.
3. Chinese officials recently accused American soy bean growers of shipping them soy beans contaminated with weeds and dirt. They’re upset, because the weeds and dirt make it very difficult to put lead paint on the soy beans.
4. Nepal is reducing the fee to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, in order to attract more climbers. But if you want to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, are you really the saving-for-the-future type?
5. A China Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing when it ran out of fuel, soon after another exploded on a runway. I’m beginning to think China Airlines is owned by NASA.
2. I hear that the advertising while videos are being uploaded will be for the headache medicine Bufferin.
3. Chinese officials recently accused American soy bean growers of shipping them soy beans contaminated with weeds and dirt. They’re upset, because the weeds and dirt make it very difficult to put lead paint on the soy beans.
4. Nepal is reducing the fee to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, in order to attract more climbers. But if you want to climb Mt. Everest in the winter, are you really the saving-for-the-future type?
5. A China Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing when it ran out of fuel, soon after another exploded on a runway. I’m beginning to think China Airlines is owned by NASA.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
8/21
1. An arm-wrestling arcade game in Japan is being recalled after breaking players’ arms. A spokesman for the game said “even women should be able to beat it.” Wow. “Did I say it broke my arm? Actually, I just rebroke it, since it was still healing from shark wrestling.’
2. It was later learned that the arm-wrestling game was actually developed as a discipline machine by Chinese toy companies. “You will add the lead paint, or you will face the arm wrestling machine!”
3. Iran released a woman accused of spying for the U.S. when it realized there was no way the Bush Administration would waste time actually using spies. They already know what they’re going to do.
4. An organized crime group has invaded the Monster.com website, but it turned out to just be a recruitment drive. They hired over 100 Nigerians.
5. Astronomers have found a dead star orbiting near Earth, but they have no idea how Anna Nicole Smith got out there. They discovered her from the reflections off her breasts.
2. It was later learned that the arm-wrestling game was actually developed as a discipline machine by Chinese toy companies. “You will add the lead paint, or you will face the arm wrestling machine!”
3. Iran released a woman accused of spying for the U.S. when it realized there was no way the Bush Administration would waste time actually using spies. They already know what they’re going to do.
4. An organized crime group has invaded the Monster.com website, but it turned out to just be a recruitment drive. They hired over 100 Nigerians.
5. Astronomers have found a dead star orbiting near Earth, but they have no idea how Anna Nicole Smith got out there. They discovered her from the reflections off her breasts.
Monday, August 20, 2007
8/20
1. The sequel to the TV movie “High School Musical” just broke ratings records, so Disney now plans a full line of movies with extremely literal titles, such as “Big Football Game”, “Moving to Arizona”, and “The Priest Touched Me”.
2. Snow is going to leave the White House. Not Tony Snow, the spokesman, but just snow in general. Dick Cheney has cancelled Christmas.
3. A 5,000-year-old piece of chewing gum has been discovered by archaeology students. It’s apparently slightly softer and tastier than the gum used by baseball card companies.
4. Archaeologists said the gum was used for chewing and glue. Around America, little kids getting punished for eating paste are saying: “See! It’s genetic! I’m only human!”
5. Real-estate tycoon Leona Helmsley died yesterday. She famously said “only the little people pay taxes.” Looks like God finally collected.
2. Snow is going to leave the White House. Not Tony Snow, the spokesman, but just snow in general. Dick Cheney has cancelled Christmas.
3. A 5,000-year-old piece of chewing gum has been discovered by archaeology students. It’s apparently slightly softer and tastier than the gum used by baseball card companies.
4. Archaeologists said the gum was used for chewing and glue. Around America, little kids getting punished for eating paste are saying: “See! It’s genetic! I’m only human!”
5. Real-estate tycoon Leona Helmsley died yesterday. She famously said “only the little people pay taxes.” Looks like God finally collected.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
8/19
1. The following is all true: A top candidate for prime minister of Australia came to New York recently and went to a strip club. He was then asked to leave the strip club for bad behavior. And his excuse is that he had so much to drink that he can’t remember what he did. To put this is perspective, this is like Hillary Clinton speaking at a college graduation, going to a frat party and doing topless body shots, having college security kick her out for streaking, and when confronted by the press, saying, “Look, I was so wasted, I could have made out with Monica Lewinsky.”
2. However, it gets better. This might give the guy a BETTER chance of becoming prime minister. Especially since a previous prime minister was the world record-holder for fastest beer chugger. Visa applications for moving to Australia are available…
3. Film fans have voted Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen the ‘least plausible’ on-screen couple. The result was invalid, though, because voters never got to see campaign videos of Mitt Romney and his wife.
4. Yesterday in Orlando, police were giving sneakers or $50, no questions asked, in exchange for guns. And someone turned in a rocket launcher. When asked where he got it, he said he found it in a shed. And this is true, the police basically said, “Yeah, that sounds good. Here are your sneakers.”
5. Tropical Storm Erin will hit Florida tomorrow, causing many flights to be delayed. However, I think flights should be delayed because people ARE FINDING ROCKET LAUNCHERS IN SHEDS!
2. However, it gets better. This might give the guy a BETTER chance of becoming prime minister. Especially since a previous prime minister was the world record-holder for fastest beer chugger. Visa applications for moving to Australia are available…
3. Film fans have voted Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen the ‘least plausible’ on-screen couple. The result was invalid, though, because voters never got to see campaign videos of Mitt Romney and his wife.
4. Yesterday in Orlando, police were giving sneakers or $50, no questions asked, in exchange for guns. And someone turned in a rocket launcher. When asked where he got it, he said he found it in a shed. And this is true, the police basically said, “Yeah, that sounds good. Here are your sneakers.”
5. Tropical Storm Erin will hit Florida tomorrow, causing many flights to be delayed. However, I think flights should be delayed because people ARE FINDING ROCKET LAUNCHERS IN SHEDS!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
8/18
1. During a plane hijacking in Turkey, when the hijackers opened the door to let out women and children, all the men ran out too. So that’s a tip if an airline has you stuck on the runway for seven hours. Just get them to open the door…
2. 600 people have posed naked on a melting glacier for an artistic photo. Unfortunately, since he used some hot supermodels, the glacier is now melting even faster.
3. White House spokesman Tony Snow is resigning for “financial reasons”. Apparently inventing fake news pays less than reporting it.
4. And “financial reasons”? Isn’t that a breath of honesty? Isn’t that why EVERYONE leaves politics? To cash in?
5. Two friends of Michael Vick who were charged with dog fighting have pleaded guilty. So they find dogs and dog fighting gear on his property, and everyone around him is pleading guilty, but he had nothing to do with it. Is Michael Vick working for the White House?
2. 600 people have posed naked on a melting glacier for an artistic photo. Unfortunately, since he used some hot supermodels, the glacier is now melting even faster.
3. White House spokesman Tony Snow is resigning for “financial reasons”. Apparently inventing fake news pays less than reporting it.
4. And “financial reasons”? Isn’t that a breath of honesty? Isn’t that why EVERYONE leaves politics? To cash in?
5. Two friends of Michael Vick who were charged with dog fighting have pleaded guilty. So they find dogs and dog fighting gear on his property, and everyone around him is pleading guilty, but he had nothing to do with it. Is Michael Vick working for the White House?
Friday, August 17, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
In honor of Elvis Presley, they’re coming out with a banana-flavored Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, because Elvis loved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Also in honor of Elvis, they’re urging people to eat about a hundred a day, and every fifth one is going to be laced with speed.
In Germany, there was great shock over a fatal shootout between Italian organized crime groups. Imagine! Italian organized criminals outside of Italy! Good thing we Americans never have to worry about that!
Researchers wanted to remind people that their recommendation of 30 minutes of gentle exercise every day was not as gentle as people might think. For example, chewing doesn’t count.
In India, a six-year-old boy amazed the world by running marathons. But his coach has been arrested and charged with mistreating him. I don’t know about the rest of the evidence, but I think the main tip-off should have been that HE WAS MAKING A SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY RUN MARATHONS!
Karl Rove resigned today. Later, President Bush was heard wandering through the Oval Office singing “If I Only Had a Brain”.
A kidnapped Australian man was released in the African country of Mali. He went there to marry a woman who promised him $86,000. He now says that his main regret was choosing that woman over the one from Nigeria promising him $5,000,000.
The World Health Organization is warning that people who attend the Olympics next year in China may suffer health problems from pollution. Just from attending. Bet the athletes were thrilled to hear about that.
The international aid group CARE has rejected food from the U.S. government, because it says we should buy and produce local food. This may finally put an end to the 30-year-old Snickers Bar subsidy.
John Lennon’s solo songs will now be available through iTunes. Now if we can just get Ringo’s solo work on there, my life will be complete.
News reports say that “angst” has returned to the global markets. They always use emotional words to describe the stock markets -- “angst”, “jitters”, “joy”. But a more physical description seems fitting, like “bulimia”. Binge and purge!
Cell phone maker Nokia is recalling 46 million batteries because they overheat. The only place they won’t be recalling them is China, where Nokia dealers were heard saying: “Overheating? Pussies! Call us when the batteries destroy your liver and make you sterile for life.”
In Karl Rove’s resignation speech, he said that he was honored to be a witness to history, because he was there when Bush invented the new version.
Chief of Staff Josh Bolten told White House aides that if they didn’t resign before Labor Day, they would have to stay until the end of Bush’s term, because Labor Day is traditionally the day when the Bush staff gets together and does some actual work.
Karl Rove said today that he will resign from the White House in order to spend more time with his family. Specifically, the Gambinos.
In Egypt, a man attempted to smuggle 250 baby crocodiles in his luggage. Surprised Egyptian officials said: “Usually crocodiles ARE the luggage.” Why couldn’t he just stick a Filipino maid in there like most Saudis?
In Germany, there was great shock over a fatal shootout between Italian organized crime groups. Imagine! Italian organized criminals outside of Italy! Good thing we Americans never have to worry about that!
Researchers wanted to remind people that their recommendation of 30 minutes of gentle exercise every day was not as gentle as people might think. For example, chewing doesn’t count.
In India, a six-year-old boy amazed the world by running marathons. But his coach has been arrested and charged with mistreating him. I don’t know about the rest of the evidence, but I think the main tip-off should have been that HE WAS MAKING A SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY RUN MARATHONS!
Karl Rove resigned today. Later, President Bush was heard wandering through the Oval Office singing “If I Only Had a Brain”.
A kidnapped Australian man was released in the African country of Mali. He went there to marry a woman who promised him $86,000. He now says that his main regret was choosing that woman over the one from Nigeria promising him $5,000,000.
The World Health Organization is warning that people who attend the Olympics next year in China may suffer health problems from pollution. Just from attending. Bet the athletes were thrilled to hear about that.
The international aid group CARE has rejected food from the U.S. government, because it says we should buy and produce local food. This may finally put an end to the 30-year-old Snickers Bar subsidy.
John Lennon’s solo songs will now be available through iTunes. Now if we can just get Ringo’s solo work on there, my life will be complete.
News reports say that “angst” has returned to the global markets. They always use emotional words to describe the stock markets -- “angst”, “jitters”, “joy”. But a more physical description seems fitting, like “bulimia”. Binge and purge!
Cell phone maker Nokia is recalling 46 million batteries because they overheat. The only place they won’t be recalling them is China, where Nokia dealers were heard saying: “Overheating? Pussies! Call us when the batteries destroy your liver and make you sterile for life.”
In Karl Rove’s resignation speech, he said that he was honored to be a witness to history, because he was there when Bush invented the new version.
Chief of Staff Josh Bolten told White House aides that if they didn’t resign before Labor Day, they would have to stay until the end of Bush’s term, because Labor Day is traditionally the day when the Bush staff gets together and does some actual work.
Karl Rove said today that he will resign from the White House in order to spend more time with his family. Specifically, the Gambinos.
In Egypt, a man attempted to smuggle 250 baby crocodiles in his luggage. Surprised Egyptian officials said: “Usually crocodiles ARE the luggage.” Why couldn’t he just stick a Filipino maid in there like most Saudis?
8/17
1. Researchers wanted to remind people that their recommendation of 30 minutes of gentle exercise every day was not as gentle as people might think. For example, chewing doesn’t count.
2. The World Health Organization is warning that people who attend the Olympics next year in China may suffer health problems from pollution. Just from attending. Bet the athletes were thrilled to hear about that.
3. The international aid group CARE has rejected food from the U.S. government, because it says we should buy and produce local food. This may finally put an end to the 30-year-old Snickers Bar subsidy.
4. A health spa in Ukraine is now offering “wine therapy”, in which patients drink wine cocktails to improve their health. And here in New York, people are flocking to the Lower East Side for “heroin therapy”.
5. Russia is now resuming long-range bomber flights after fifteen years. Analysts say it’s part of a more assertive foreign policy brought by higher oil and gas profits. Exxon has already sponsored a fleet of bombers.
2. The World Health Organization is warning that people who attend the Olympics next year in China may suffer health problems from pollution. Just from attending. Bet the athletes were thrilled to hear about that.
3. The international aid group CARE has rejected food from the U.S. government, because it says we should buy and produce local food. This may finally put an end to the 30-year-old Snickers Bar subsidy.
4. A health spa in Ukraine is now offering “wine therapy”, in which patients drink wine cocktails to improve their health. And here in New York, people are flocking to the Lower East Side for “heroin therapy”.
5. Russia is now resuming long-range bomber flights after fifteen years. Analysts say it’s part of a more assertive foreign policy brought by higher oil and gas profits. Exxon has already sponsored a fleet of bombers.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
8/16
1. You know the super-powerful satellites that the government made to spy on other countries? Now they’re going to use them to spy in the United States. A government official said, though, that “this is not a system for tracking Americans”. Is he aware that the United States has a lot of these so-called “Americans”? He then clarified that instead of tracking people, the satellites would be used for things like finding a nice parking space. Or seeing what the special is at the diner across the street.
2. Supercomputers have now determined that a Rubik’s Cube can be solved in as few as 26 moves, which sadly beats my record of 5,349,000.
3. First of all, I’d like to apologize to America for continually altering Wikipedia to say that I am the sexiest man alive.
4. Staff from the CIA apparently made changes to entries on the Wikipedia. Specifically, the ones about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
5. Author Stephen King was almost arrested as a vandal when bookstore staff in Australia saw him autographing his books. Apparently, after his last few movies, an autograph by him would cut the books’ value in half.
2. Supercomputers have now determined that a Rubik’s Cube can be solved in as few as 26 moves, which sadly beats my record of 5,349,000.
3. First of all, I’d like to apologize to America for continually altering Wikipedia to say that I am the sexiest man alive.
4. Staff from the CIA apparently made changes to entries on the Wikipedia. Specifically, the ones about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
5. Author Stephen King was almost arrested as a vandal when bookstore staff in Australia saw him autographing his books. Apparently, after his last few movies, an autograph by him would cut the books’ value in half.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
8/15
1. In Germany, there was great shock over a fatal shootout between Italian organized crime groups. Imagine! Italian organized criminals outside of Italy! Good thing we Americans never have to worry about that!
2. John Lennon’s solo songs will now be available through iTunes. Now if we can just get Ringo’s solo work on there, my life will be complete.
3. News reports say that “angst” has returned to the global markets. They always use emotional words to describe the stock markets -- “angst”, “jitters”, “joy”. But a more physical description seems fitting, like “bulimia”. Binge and purge!
4. NASA officials are debating whether to repair damage to the space shuttle caused by foam that hit it during launch. Apparently someone left a frappuccino on the wing.
5. In India, people took a day off to celebrate the anniversary of India’s independence, and in the U.S., we all had independence from any telephone customer service for the day.
2. John Lennon’s solo songs will now be available through iTunes. Now if we can just get Ringo’s solo work on there, my life will be complete.
3. News reports say that “angst” has returned to the global markets. They always use emotional words to describe the stock markets -- “angst”, “jitters”, “joy”. But a more physical description seems fitting, like “bulimia”. Binge and purge!
4. NASA officials are debating whether to repair damage to the space shuttle caused by foam that hit it during launch. Apparently someone left a frappuccino on the wing.
5. In India, people took a day off to celebrate the anniversary of India’s independence, and in the U.S., we all had independence from any telephone customer service for the day.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
8/14
1. Cell phone maker Nokia is recalling 46 million batteries because they overheat. The only place they won’t be recalling them is China, where Nokia dealers were heard saying: “Overheating? Pussies! Call us when the batteries destroy your liver and make you sterile for life.”
2. In Karl Rove’s resignation speech, he said that he was honored to be a witness to history, because he was there when Bush invented the new version.
3. President Bush said “I would call Karl Rove a dear friend. Well, I would call him that if I didn’t love calling him Turd Blossom so much.”
4. A mayor in Italy is offering to pay people in his town to lose weight, but to change habits like that, you have to go deeper. For example, he probably shouldn’t be paying them in McDonald’s gift certificates.
5. Toymaker Mattel is once again recalling millions of toys made in China. That means they’re just remembering that they made them. “Oh yeah, all those dangerous toys. I recall them, that’s when we had those huge profits by outsourcing to sketchy Chinese companies.”
2. In Karl Rove’s resignation speech, he said that he was honored to be a witness to history, because he was there when Bush invented the new version.
3. President Bush said “I would call Karl Rove a dear friend. Well, I would call him that if I didn’t love calling him Turd Blossom so much.”
4. A mayor in Italy is offering to pay people in his town to lose weight, but to change habits like that, you have to go deeper. For example, he probably shouldn’t be paying them in McDonald’s gift certificates.
5. Toymaker Mattel is once again recalling millions of toys made in China. That means they’re just remembering that they made them. “Oh yeah, all those dangerous toys. I recall them, that’s when we had those huge profits by outsourcing to sketchy Chinese companies.”
Monday, August 13, 2007
8/13
1. In India, a six-year-old boy amazed the world by running marathons. But his coach has been arrested and charged with mistreating him. I don’t know about the rest of the evidence, but I think the main tip-off should have been that HE WAS MAKING A SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY RUN MARATHONS!
2. Karl Rove resigned today. Later, President Bush was heard wandering through the Oval Office singing “If I Only Had a Brain”.
3. A kidnapped Australian man was released in the African country of Mali. He went there to marry a woman who promised him $86,000. He now says that his main regret was choosing that woman over the one from Nigeria promising him $5,000,000.
4. Chief of Staff Josh Bolten told White House aides that if they didn’t resign before Labor Day, they would have to stay until the end of Bush’s term, because Labor Day is traditionally the day when the Bush staff gets together and does some actual work.
5. Karl Rove said today that he will resign from the White House in order to spend more time with his family. Specifically, the Gambinos.
2. Karl Rove resigned today. Later, President Bush was heard wandering through the Oval Office singing “If I Only Had a Brain”.
3. A kidnapped Australian man was released in the African country of Mali. He went there to marry a woman who promised him $86,000. He now says that his main regret was choosing that woman over the one from Nigeria promising him $5,000,000.
4. Chief of Staff Josh Bolten told White House aides that if they didn’t resign before Labor Day, they would have to stay until the end of Bush’s term, because Labor Day is traditionally the day when the Bush staff gets together and does some actual work.
5. Karl Rove said today that he will resign from the White House in order to spend more time with his family. Specifically, the Gambinos.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
8/12
1. In Egypt, a man attempted to smuggle 250 baby crocodiles in his luggage. Surprised Egyptian officials said: “Usually crocodiles ARE the luggage.”
2. The smuggler was from Saudi Arabia, and apparently in May, another Saudi tried to bring home 700 live snakes in his luggage. And we all thought “Snakes on a Plane” was unrealistic.
3. What is with Saudis trying to smuggle reptiles? Have they gotten tired of smuggling people? Why can’t they just stick a Filipino maid in their luggage like the rest of us?
4. President Bush and French President Sarkozy had an informal picnic lunch yesterday, but things turned a little ugly when Sarkozy annexed a bottle of French’s Mustard. “It says it’s ours right on the label!”
5. Protestors are gathering in front of Heathrow Airport in London to protest climate change. Apparently they think the temperature on airplanes is way too cold, and they want to raise it a bit.
2. The smuggler was from Saudi Arabia, and apparently in May, another Saudi tried to bring home 700 live snakes in his luggage. And we all thought “Snakes on a Plane” was unrealistic.
3. What is with Saudis trying to smuggle reptiles? Have they gotten tired of smuggling people? Why can’t they just stick a Filipino maid in their luggage like the rest of us?
4. President Bush and French President Sarkozy had an informal picnic lunch yesterday, but things turned a little ugly when Sarkozy annexed a bottle of French’s Mustard. “It says it’s ours right on the label!”
5. Protestors are gathering in front of Heathrow Airport in London to protest climate change. Apparently they think the temperature on airplanes is way too cold, and they want to raise it a bit.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
8/11
1. In honor of Elvis Presley, they’re coming out with a banana-flavored Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, because Elvis loved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Also in honor of Elvis, they’re urging people to eat about a hundred a day, and every fifth one is going to be laced with speed.
2. Rapper 50 Cent has threatened to quit if Kanye West sells more albums than him next week. However, this is almost guaranteed, because Kanye West’s fans know how to use computers.
3. French president Nicolas Sarkozy says the U.S. is a close friend of France. However, this says less about U.S.-France relations and more about whether Sarkozy has any close friends. “He stole my wife, killed my goat, and violated my wine bottles, but eh, what is that between close friends?”
4. President Bush said that the good thing about Sarkozy is that you know where he stands, as opposed to Vladimir Putin. “That guy is into judo, always jumping around.”
5. Russia says it has sent a probe to the North Pole and put a flag on the ocean floor. This week, Oliver Stone has announced a new movie exposing it all as a hoax.
2. Rapper 50 Cent has threatened to quit if Kanye West sells more albums than him next week. However, this is almost guaranteed, because Kanye West’s fans know how to use computers.
3. French president Nicolas Sarkozy says the U.S. is a close friend of France. However, this says less about U.S.-France relations and more about whether Sarkozy has any close friends. “He stole my wife, killed my goat, and violated my wine bottles, but eh, what is that between close friends?”
4. President Bush said that the good thing about Sarkozy is that you know where he stands, as opposed to Vladimir Putin. “That guy is into judo, always jumping around.”
5. Russia says it has sent a probe to the North Pole and put a flag on the ocean floor. This week, Oliver Stone has announced a new movie exposing it all as a hoax.
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