In Ireland, a man stole 36,000 pints of Guinness beer. But although that’s a lot of Guinness, it was apparently not the world record. Police later caught the man visiting the world’s largest urinal.
In Houston, four police officers are suing because they were demoted for having beards. The officers claim to have a skin condition that makes them unable to shave. Yeah, I have that problem too -- it’s called not hitting puberty yet.
Priests in Cyprus are praying for divine intervention to stop a drought. But isn’t the drought divine intervention? God seems to be intervening to kill you off. What do you think is going to change that?
Pakistan’s President Musharraf has now given up his army uniform. This was considered a crucial moment in Pakistani politics, since the president had not taken off his clothes in five years. The uniform has been officially classified by the United Nations as a chemical weapon, and Pakistan risked sanctions if Musharraf didn’t send it to the laundry.
Hugo Chavez urged Venezuelans to strike a blow against dictatorship and corruption by… voting to let him be president for life.
The new Australian prime minister was kicked out of a New York City strip club a few months ago for unruly behavior (true). Now he’s chosen a former rock star to be part of his cabinet. I hear the next cabinet position is going to Charlie Sheen.
McDonald’s is going into the business of gourmet coffee drinks. So now when you spill hot coffee and sue the company, you’ll also be trying to get back the twenty bucks you spent on it. McDonald’s coffee was found to be better than Starbucks in Consumer Reports magazine. Consumer Reports also lets you know which carburetor to buy. Maybe they confused the coffee with motor oil.
More riots in Paris yesterday, continuing France’s policy of “Anything America Can Do, We Can Do Better!” Yeah, we’ll show you Yankees how to have an inner city riot!
Norman Mailer was recently awarded a prize for the worst description of sex in a work of fiction, narrowly beating out “The Collected Love Letters of Dick Cheney”. Cheney’s work won a special prize, however, for the most disturbing.
Murders in New York City are on track to be the lowest-ever since they started keeping track. Either that, or people are getting way better at hiding the bodies.
A lot of people are blaming mathematicians at financial firms for the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Apparently, the mathematicians were unable to understand that if Freddy has zero apple trees, and you loan him 100,000 apples, he probably can’t pay you back.
Friday, November 30, 2007
11/30
1. Hugo Chavez urged Venezuelans to strike a blow against dictatorship and corruption by… voting to let him be president for life.
2. President Bush wants to double the aid for AIDS. He said, “We need to double AIDS over the next five years. I mean, we need to double the aid for AIDS, you know, instead of just having… parades.”
3. Two Muslim politicians from Britain are going to Sudan to try to free the woman convicted of letting her students name a teddy bear after Muhammad. One of them is the Conservative shadow minister. That sounds pretty creepy, doesn’t it? It sounds like she’s going to appear one night in the Sudanese president’s bedroom with a troll and a dwarf.
4. Evel Knievel died today, and in his honor, I’d like to do something I’ve never done before. (@@@ walks over to desk, climbs on top.) Staff member: “No! Don’t do it!” @@@: “I will, damn it! No one can tell me what my limits are!” (Then, @@@ jumps from desk onto couch, and then to floor, raising his hands in triumph.)
5. A senior Mafia leader in Italy was arrested while watching the last episode of a TV series about a former Mafia boss. It reminds me of the time I admitted that I cheated on my wife while watching an episode of “Survivor”.
2. President Bush wants to double the aid for AIDS. He said, “We need to double AIDS over the next five years. I mean, we need to double the aid for AIDS, you know, instead of just having… parades.”
3. Two Muslim politicians from Britain are going to Sudan to try to free the woman convicted of letting her students name a teddy bear after Muhammad. One of them is the Conservative shadow minister. That sounds pretty creepy, doesn’t it? It sounds like she’s going to appear one night in the Sudanese president’s bedroom with a troll and a dwarf.
4. Evel Knievel died today, and in his honor, I’d like to do something I’ve never done before. (@@@ walks over to desk, climbs on top.) Staff member: “No! Don’t do it!” @@@: “I will, damn it! No one can tell me what my limits are!” (Then, @@@ jumps from desk onto couch, and then to floor, raising his hands in triumph.)
5. A senior Mafia leader in Italy was arrested while watching the last episode of a TV series about a former Mafia boss. It reminds me of the time I admitted that I cheated on my wife while watching an episode of “Survivor”.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
11/29
1. In Ireland, a man stole 36,000 pints of Guinness beer. But although that’s a lot of Guinness, it was apparently not the world record. Police later caught the man visiting the world’s largest urinal.
2. In Houston, four police officers are suing because they were demoted for having beards. The officers claim to have a skin condition that makes them unable to shave. Yeah, I have that problem too -- it’s called not hitting puberty yet.
3. In Sudan, a teacher has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for allowing her students to name a teddy bear Muhammed. When an enemy like Sudan does this, the White House officially calls it an “outrage”. However, when Saudi Arabia, a friend, sentenced a gang-rape victim to 200 lashes and six months in prison, the White House called it “astounding”. For most people, “astounding” comes before “outrage”, but not for the Bush Administration.
4. Scientists have discovered a species of antelope in Africa in which the females pursue the males with aggression, while the males are more choosy with their mates. Fox Television has already negotiated with the antelopes to produce a reality show on their lives.
5. A riot broke out in Tibet when two monks were arrested for robbing a motorcycle shop. Fellow monks and their supporters then went on a rampage. Eventually, the monks went home, because this was the most work they’d done in years.
2. In Houston, four police officers are suing because they were demoted for having beards. The officers claim to have a skin condition that makes them unable to shave. Yeah, I have that problem too -- it’s called not hitting puberty yet.
3. In Sudan, a teacher has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for allowing her students to name a teddy bear Muhammed. When an enemy like Sudan does this, the White House officially calls it an “outrage”. However, when Saudi Arabia, a friend, sentenced a gang-rape victim to 200 lashes and six months in prison, the White House called it “astounding”. For most people, “astounding” comes before “outrage”, but not for the Bush Administration.
4. Scientists have discovered a species of antelope in Africa in which the females pursue the males with aggression, while the males are more choosy with their mates. Fox Television has already negotiated with the antelopes to produce a reality show on their lives.
5. A riot broke out in Tibet when two monks were arrested for robbing a motorcycle shop. Fellow monks and their supporters then went on a rampage. Eventually, the monks went home, because this was the most work they’d done in years.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
11/28
1. The new Australian prime minister was kicked out of a New York City strip club a few months ago for unruly behavior (true). Now he’s chosen a former rock star to be part of his cabinet. I hear the next cabinet position is going to Charlie Sheen.
2. McDonald’s is going into the business of gourmet coffee drinks. So now when you spill hot coffee and sue the company, you’ll also be trying to get back the twenty bucks you spent on it. McDonald’s coffee was found to be better than Starbucks in Consumer Reports magazine. Consumer Reports also lets you know which carburetor to buy. Maybe they confused the coffee with motor oil.
3. The Republican candidates held a debate with questions from YouTube last night. First up was Edna Ferger from Duluth, Minnesota, who asked why the hell kids were spending all their time on the internet.
4. The stagehand union on Broadway has ended its strike. So for all you people who had to miss Legally Blonde and sadly compensated by coming to my show instead -- sorry. A day late and a dollar short.
5. China refused to allow US Navy ships to dock in Hong Kong for Thanksgiving. I think they might be taking a lesson from Native Americans. Sure, you’re having a big friendly meal with us now, but just wait a few years.
2. McDonald’s is going into the business of gourmet coffee drinks. So now when you spill hot coffee and sue the company, you’ll also be trying to get back the twenty bucks you spent on it. McDonald’s coffee was found to be better than Starbucks in Consumer Reports magazine. Consumer Reports also lets you know which carburetor to buy. Maybe they confused the coffee with motor oil.
3. The Republican candidates held a debate with questions from YouTube last night. First up was Edna Ferger from Duluth, Minnesota, who asked why the hell kids were spending all their time on the internet.
4. The stagehand union on Broadway has ended its strike. So for all you people who had to miss Legally Blonde and sadly compensated by coming to my show instead -- sorry. A day late and a dollar short.
5. China refused to allow US Navy ships to dock in Hong Kong for Thanksgiving. I think they might be taking a lesson from Native Americans. Sure, you’re having a big friendly meal with us now, but just wait a few years.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
11/27
1. Priests in Cyprus are praying for divine intervention to stop a drought. But isn’t the drought divine intervention? God seems to be intervening to kill you off. What do you think is going to change that?
2. Pakistan’s President Musharraf has now given up his army uniform. This was considered a crucial moment in Pakistani politics, since the president had not taken off his clothes in five years. The uniform has been officially classified by the United Nations as a chemical weapon, and Pakistan risked sanctions if Musharraf didn’t send it to the laundry.
3. More riots in Paris yesterday, continuing France’s policy of “Anything America Can Do, We Can Do Better!” Yeah, we’ll show you Yankees how to have an inner city riot!
4. Norman Mailer was recently awarded a prize for the worst description of sex in a work of fiction, narrowly beating out “The Collected Love Letters of Dick Cheney”. Cheney’s work won a special prize, however, for the most disturbing.
5. A judge in Niagara Falls was fined because he jailed an entire courtroom audience when no one would admit owning a ringing cell phone. However, the fine was balanced by a huge prize from the National Association of People Who Just Want Some Goddamn Quiet.
2. Pakistan’s President Musharraf has now given up his army uniform. This was considered a crucial moment in Pakistani politics, since the president had not taken off his clothes in five years. The uniform has been officially classified by the United Nations as a chemical weapon, and Pakistan risked sanctions if Musharraf didn’t send it to the laundry.
3. More riots in Paris yesterday, continuing France’s policy of “Anything America Can Do, We Can Do Better!” Yeah, we’ll show you Yankees how to have an inner city riot!
4. Norman Mailer was recently awarded a prize for the worst description of sex in a work of fiction, narrowly beating out “The Collected Love Letters of Dick Cheney”. Cheney’s work won a special prize, however, for the most disturbing.
5. A judge in Niagara Falls was fined because he jailed an entire courtroom audience when no one would admit owning a ringing cell phone. However, the fine was balanced by a huge prize from the National Association of People Who Just Want Some Goddamn Quiet.
Monday, November 26, 2007
11/26
1. Murders in New York City are on track to be the lowest-ever since they started keeping track. Either that, or people are getting way better at hiding the bodies.
2. A lot of people are blaming mathematicians at financial firms for the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Apparently, the mathematicians were unable to understand that if Freddy has zero apple trees, and you loan him 100,000 apples, he probably can’t pay you back.
3. An ancient Roman road map is now on display. The rest stops on the map are only for food and lodging, because back then, gas was pretty much the same as food.
4. A beauty pageant contestant in Puerto Rico had her clothes covered with pepper spray. Then police discovered the pepper spray was to keep fetishists from stealing her clothes.
5. A court in Saudi Arabia sentenced a woman to 200 lashes and six months in prison, after she was gang-raped. The White House officially said the sentence was “astounding”. I’m not sure why, since you got tutored by one of Saudi Arabia’s princes.
2. A lot of people are blaming mathematicians at financial firms for the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Apparently, the mathematicians were unable to understand that if Freddy has zero apple trees, and you loan him 100,000 apples, he probably can’t pay you back.
3. An ancient Roman road map is now on display. The rest stops on the map are only for food and lodging, because back then, gas was pretty much the same as food.
4. A beauty pageant contestant in Puerto Rico had her clothes covered with pepper spray. Then police discovered the pepper spray was to keep fetishists from stealing her clothes.
5. A court in Saudi Arabia sentenced a woman to 200 lashes and six months in prison, after she was gang-raped. The White House officially said the sentence was “astounding”. I’m not sure why, since you got tutored by one of Saudi Arabia’s princes.
Monday, November 5, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
China has approved new rules to improve food standards in the country. From now on, Chinese factories that sell food must actually put food in their products.
A hunter in Iowa was shot in the leg after a dog stepped on his gun. The shot also hit one of the roughly 500,000 presidential candidates currently in the state, who was busy campaigning to some gophers. Local farmers were glad, because most of the candidates haven’t raised any money, so they’rve been devouring crops.
A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.
King Tut’s face has now been revealed publicly. Egypt’s antiquities chief reportedly said: “The golden boy has magic and mystery and therefore every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the golden boy, and all of them I am sure will come to see the golden boy.” There is supposedly a curse on people involved with Tut, which forces people to keep referring to him as ’the golden boy’.
The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
Eating compounds known as flavonoids cuts the risk of heart disease. I love the name “flavonoid”. It sounds like a flavor-loving nerd from New Jersey -- “flavonoid”.
Couples in conservative Muslim societies are using cell phones for secret romance. Popular text messages include: “You make me burn hotter than an American flag.” and “You have nice eyes”, because that’s all they can see.
The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.
Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”
Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
A hunter in Iowa was shot in the leg after a dog stepped on his gun. The shot also hit one of the roughly 500,000 presidential candidates currently in the state, who was busy campaigning to some gophers. Local farmers were glad, because most of the candidates haven’t raised any money, so they’rve been devouring crops.
A museum in England will display a 116-year-old orange found in a lunchbox. It is the only known record of an Englishman willingly choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable.
King Tut’s face has now been revealed publicly. Egypt’s antiquities chief reportedly said: “The golden boy has magic and mystery and therefore every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the golden boy, and all of them I am sure will come to see the golden boy.” There is supposedly a curse on people involved with Tut, which forces people to keep referring to him as ’the golden boy’.
The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
Eating compounds known as flavonoids cuts the risk of heart disease. I love the name “flavonoid”. It sounds like a flavor-loving nerd from New Jersey -- “flavonoid”.
Couples in conservative Muslim societies are using cell phones for secret romance. Popular text messages include: “You make me burn hotter than an American flag.” and “You have nice eyes”, because that’s all they can see.
The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
According to Forbes magazine, Elvis continues to be the top-earning dead celebrity. That is, among those dead celebrities whose followers do not claim them to be divine. Well, okay, scratch that. How about “not held responsible for miracles”. No, wait, scratch that too. I guess they’re going to have to take Elvis off the list. Number Two is Burt Reynolds. Not technically dead, but might as well be after “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”.
Police in South Africa say cattle rustlers are using small passenger cars to steal cattle. The police also said they give cows a “trauma debriefing”. Yes, the trauma of being returned to death row. “We were free! They were taking us to freedom!”
Ben Affleck was looking very young and refreshed last night. A reporter asked if he’d had botox treatment, and he said no, he’d had BoSox treatment.
The British embassy in Japan announced that it will help hundreds of British citizens suddenly thrown out of work there. Good for them! Then, this is true, the embassy clarified that it would not provide any financial assistance, but would help people “contact family and friends”. You mean, like… e-mail? Is this the 17th century? “If you have no hands and are allergic to electricity, we can help.” Are there people asking: “I need to find my third cousin twice removed. I think he might be in Colombia.” Why is this such an amazing favor? “We will also provide assistance to people who need to use a toilet. If they would like to sit down in our lobby to rest a few moments, we are open to that.”
Landless people are marching into the Indian city of Delhi, because, well… they have NO LAND! They have to keep walking around.
Someone has tried to blackmail a member of the British royal family with a story of sex and drugs. That’s it? Considering what makes it into the tabloids, I would have thought to blackmail the British royal family, you’d have to find something like eating babies.
The government is warning people near the wildfires in Southern California not to do much outdoor activity, because the air quality is bad. I never would have guessed that. Wait, hold on a minute, I have to go do some work in the garage with the car running.
11/5
1. King Tut’s face has now been revealed publicly. Egypt’s antiquities chief reportedly said: “The golden boy has magic and mystery and therefore every person all over the world will see what Egypt is doing to preserve the golden boy, and all of them I am sure will come to see the golden boy.” There is supposedly a curse on people involved with Tut, which forces people to keep referring to him as ’the golden boy’.
2. The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
3. A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
4. Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
5. As many as half a million homes have been damaged or destroyed by floods in Mexico, but fortunately, the floods aren’t in Cancun, so your vacation plans are still okay!
2. The sheriff of Fargo rounded up people with warrants by holding a party where he said Ozzy Osbourne would show up. Osbourne was upset by the unauthorized use of his name, but mostly because most of the arrested were him and his road crew.
3. A new international poll shows that most people say they are ready to make personal sacrifices to stop global warming. The same percentage said they were going to lose a few pounds before summer. And they also believe in faeries.
4. Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas are being recalled because the pepperoni may have E. coli. The recall was slowed down when people had to be informed that ‘E. coli’ was not the name of an Italian chef.
5. As many as half a million homes have been damaged or destroyed by floods in Mexico, but fortunately, the floods aren’t in Cancun, so your vacation plans are still okay!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
11/1
1. China has approved new rules to improve food standards in the country. From now on, Chinese factories that sell food must actually put food in their products.
2. The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
3. Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
4. A prisoner in Belgium has been caught after escaping with a helicopter on the roof of the prison. He was caught in a motorcycle showroom, probably inquiring about any steep closed bridges to fully complete the action movie motif.
5. Google is now offering social-networking tools can be used across several different websites, making it even easier to stay locked in your room all day.
2. The World Toilet Summit has begun in the Indian capital of Delhi. It will examine the need to provide clean hygienic toilets to the 2.6 billion people around the world who lack them. Many groups were represented, including the ANYSC -- the Association of New York Starbucks Customers.
3. Writers and producers broke off talks on Wednesday night, meaning that a writer’s strike is now very cl...
4. A prisoner in Belgium has been caught after escaping with a helicopter on the roof of the prison. He was caught in a motorcycle showroom, probably inquiring about any steep closed bridges to fully complete the action movie motif.
5. Google is now offering social-networking tools can be used across several different websites, making it even easier to stay locked in your room all day.
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