1. The ball dropping in Times Square on New Year’s Eve is now eco-friendly. Apparently it uses the same energy as 10 toasters. And another light display in Manhattan uses the same energy as three toasters. Which makes me wonder, when did toasters become the slackers of the appliance world? Maybe that’s why my toast always comes out burned. The poor little guy’s just trying to prove himself to me.
2. An essay used by a six-year-old girl to win Hannah Montana tickets has been exposed as fake. The essay apparently began: “I am a single mother of four.”
3. In New Hampshire, Senator John McCain has swept the voting -- of newspaper editors. Of course, newspapers want to sell copies more than anything else, so if they got to decide the president, they’d probably go with Michael Jackson.
4. A mysterious giant container washed up in a bay in England, causing rampant speculation until it was then discovered to be a beer tank. They figured it out when the schools of fish in the bay began forming fraternities.
5. Russia was worried that if it sent some paintings to Britain, the descendents of the original owners might try to claim them. Then it remembered: “Oh yeah, these guys invented stolen artwork at the British Museum! They’re not going to do anything.”
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
12/19
1. An active glacier has now been found on Mars, which might finally inspire a manned mission to Mars, because now the cruise ship industry is going to be behind it.
2. Russian President Vladimir Putin has been named the Person of the Year by Time Magazine. The competition would have been closer, but all of Putin’s opponents for the award were recently found dead.
3. Some of Fortune Magazine’s “101 dumbest business decisions of 2007” were Prozac for dogs and Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog. But actually, the $12 million makes sense, considering how much Prozac costs.
4. Rapper 50 Cent has just performed a sold-out show in Kosovo, saying: “I know exactly what happens when the guns come out.” The Kosovars then shot him.
5. A new study says training is more important for racehorses than genes. The study was funded by all the male horses that don’t get to have sex with thousands of fillies a year.
2. Russian President Vladimir Putin has been named the Person of the Year by Time Magazine. The competition would have been closer, but all of Putin’s opponents for the award were recently found dead.
3. Some of Fortune Magazine’s “101 dumbest business decisions of 2007” were Prozac for dogs and Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog. But actually, the $12 million makes sense, considering how much Prozac costs.
4. Rapper 50 Cent has just performed a sold-out show in Kosovo, saying: “I know exactly what happens when the guns come out.” The Kosovars then shot him.
5. A new study says training is more important for racehorses than genes. The study was funded by all the male horses that don’t get to have sex with thousands of fillies a year.
Friday, December 7, 2007
BEST OF THE WEEK
The video game maker Activision is merging with the online game giant Blizzard, to form the largest conglomeration of middle-aged virgins the world has ever seen. The new company will be known as Actizard.
The founder of Wikipedia has, surprisingly, come out in favor of students being able to cite Wikipedia. Teachers who don’t allow it are “dumbass educators”. Wait, actually the correct quote was “bad educators”. I got “dumbass educators” off of Wikipedia.
A man in India was arrested for letting his cell phone network circulate a joke about the Sikh religious community. Here’s the English version: “Why did the Sikh cross the road? Because he was a godless heathen who will burn in hell.” The punchline sort of gets lost in the translation, but it’s hilarious in the original.
As people get older, they lose brain material called “white matter”. Some people are thinking of renovating the brain stem to bring white matter back, but for now, it’s still kind of scary, even though the location is great and the rent is cheap.
Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
People speaking neither French nor English as their native language now make up 20% of Canada’s population, giving them even more ways to say the word “boring”.
The actress who played Laura on the soap opera “General Hospital” has just apologized to fans for quitting the show suddenly. It unexpectedly hurled the completely forgotten actress to #37 on the list of most self-centered apologies of all time, right after New Kids on the Block’s Apology Reunion Tour.
The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
The founder of Wikipedia has, surprisingly, come out in favor of students being able to cite Wikipedia. Teachers who don’t allow it are “dumbass educators”. Wait, actually the correct quote was “bad educators”. I got “dumbass educators” off of Wikipedia.
A man in India was arrested for letting his cell phone network circulate a joke about the Sikh religious community. Here’s the English version: “Why did the Sikh cross the road? Because he was a godless heathen who will burn in hell.” The punchline sort of gets lost in the translation, but it’s hilarious in the original.
As people get older, they lose brain material called “white matter”. Some people are thinking of renovating the brain stem to bring white matter back, but for now, it’s still kind of scary, even though the location is great and the rent is cheap.
Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
People speaking neither French nor English as their native language now make up 20% of Canada’s population, giving them even more ways to say the word “boring”.
The actress who played Laura on the soap opera “General Hospital” has just apologized to fans for quitting the show suddenly. It unexpectedly hurled the completely forgotten actress to #37 on the list of most self-centered apologies of all time, right after New Kids on the Block’s Apology Reunion Tour.
The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
12/7
1. The actress who played Laura on the soap opera “General Hospital” has just apologized to fans for quitting the show suddenly. It unexpectedly hurled the completely forgotten actress to #37 on the list of most self-centered apologies of all time, right after New Kids on the Block’s Apology Reunion Tour.
2. Venezuela has created its own time zone, permanently turning back the clock half an hour. This will soon be followed by Hugo Chavez permanently turning back the calendar to 1954, when Fidel Castro came to power.
2. Venezuela has created its own time zone, permanently turning back the clock half an hour. This will soon be followed by Hugo Chavez permanently turning back the calendar to 1954, when Fidel Castro came to power.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
12/6
1. The founder of Wikipedia has, surprisingly, come out in favor of students being able to cite Wikipedia. Teachers who don’t allow it are “dumbass educators”. Wait, actually the correct quote was “bad educators”. I got “dumbass educators” off of Wikipedia.
2. The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
3. Cancer tests around the world have been delayed, because a Canadian nuclear reactor that helps make them has been shut down. Great, they can shut down Canadian reactors, but not North Korean ones.
4. The president of France is going to help mediate between the Colombian government and rebels, after Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez quit and suspended ties with Colombia. Are we going to see another Freedom Fries event?
5. Anthropologists in Italy have unearthed a skeleton that is believed to show evidence of tuberculosis 500,000 years ago. It is the third fastest correct diagnosis of TB in history.
2. The CIA revealed that it destroyed two videos of the interrogation of al-Qaeda suspects. At first, foul play was suspected, but actually, they just accidentally used the tapes for the annual Christmas party. They also taped over the end of the Redskins/Patriots game, which means heads are going to roll. No, not literally roll, since the CIA doesn’t do that sort of thing. Anymore.
3. Cancer tests around the world have been delayed, because a Canadian nuclear reactor that helps make them has been shut down. Great, they can shut down Canadian reactors, but not North Korean ones.
4. The president of France is going to help mediate between the Colombian government and rebels, after Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez quit and suspended ties with Colombia. Are we going to see another Freedom Fries event?
5. Anthropologists in Italy have unearthed a skeleton that is believed to show evidence of tuberculosis 500,000 years ago. It is the third fastest correct diagnosis of TB in history.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
12/5
1. As people get older, they lose brain material called “white matter”. Some people are thinking of renovating the brain stem to bring white matter back, but for now, it’s still kind of scary, even though the location is great and the rent is cheap.
2. Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
3. An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
2. Kiefer Sutherland has begun a 48-day sentence for drunk driving. He was convicted when his only defense was: “You’re just going to have to trust me, Your Honor.”
3. An NYPD officer who failed a drug test has sued to get his job back, after his wife said that she spiked his meatballs with marijuana. She hoped that he would fail the drug test so that he would then have to retire. Yeah, that’s the sign of a healthy marriage. I want my husband to spend more time at home, so I’m going to have him dishonorably discharged -- giving him far more free time to dwell on his disgrace.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
12/4
1. People speaking neither French nor English as their native language now make up 20% of Canada’s population, giving them even more ways to say the word “boring”.
2. In Thailand, the king is celebrating his 80th birthday. His health has often been questioned, but since his family is clearly related to the Munsters, death will not be an obstacle.
3. Despite a UN report that says Iran is not making nuclear weapons right now, President Bush maintains that they are a threat, simply because they maintain a large supply of radioactive material and have threatened to wipe Israel off the face of the planet. Pshaw!
2. In Thailand, the king is celebrating his 80th birthday. His health has often been questioned, but since his family is clearly related to the Munsters, death will not be an obstacle.
3. Despite a UN report that says Iran is not making nuclear weapons right now, President Bush maintains that they are a threat, simply because they maintain a large supply of radioactive material and have threatened to wipe Israel off the face of the planet. Pshaw!
Monday, December 3, 2007
12/3
1. A man in India was arrested for letting his cell phone network circulate a joke about the Sikh religious community. Here’s the English version: “Why did the Sikh cross the road? Because he was a godless heathen who will burn in hell.” The punchline sort of gets lost in the translation, but it’s hilarious in the original.
2. A new study says that chimpanzees have been shown to have far better photographic memories than humans. More proof that if you’re going to get robbed, have a chimp there.
3. A new UN intelligence report about Iran says that the country stopped developing nuclear weapons in 2003. Are these the same people that told us Pakistan, India, and North Korea weren’t developing nuclear weapons?
4. Mitt Romney is going to give a speech addressing his Mormonism. He may have trouble reading the teleprompter, though, because he recently lost his magic spectacles.
2. A new study says that chimpanzees have been shown to have far better photographic memories than humans. More proof that if you’re going to get robbed, have a chimp there.
3. A new UN intelligence report about Iran says that the country stopped developing nuclear weapons in 2003. Are these the same people that told us Pakistan, India, and North Korea weren’t developing nuclear weapons?
4. Mitt Romney is going to give a speech addressing his Mormonism. He may have trouble reading the teleprompter, though, because he recently lost his magic spectacles.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
12/2
1. The video game maker Activision is merging with the online game giant Blizzard, to form the largest conglomeration of middle-aged virgins the world has ever seen. The new company will be known as Actizard.
2. In a surprising turn in the Russian elections, the party of Vladimir Putin, which controls all the major television networks, radio stations, and newspapers, has… won. Was anyone else even running? Apparently people voting for Putin’s party in St. Petersburg were entered in a lottery to win prizes. We’ve seen how that worked for MTV.
3. In Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has lost an attempt to reform the Constitution by a narrow 2% margin. In a surprise turn of events, he didn’t blame George Bush.
2. In a surprising turn in the Russian elections, the party of Vladimir Putin, which controls all the major television networks, radio stations, and newspapers, has… won. Was anyone else even running? Apparently people voting for Putin’s party in St. Petersburg were entered in a lottery to win prizes. We’ve seen how that worked for MTV.
3. In Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has lost an attempt to reform the Constitution by a narrow 2% margin. In a surprise turn of events, he didn’t blame George Bush.
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