1. You know that woman who just had octuplets? Turns out she already has six kids. Man, those six kids thought they were getting a little brother to push around. Now they’re outnumbered! This is the dream of every youngest child.
2. A woman in Thailand has set a new world record by living for 33 days in a room with 5,000 poisonous scorpions. That’s nothing! I lived on Wall Street for two years surrounded by thousands of soulless sharks. And I survived!
3. President Obama’s half-brother in Kenya has been arrested for marijuana possession. Yeah, half the people at the inauguration could have been arrested for that. Starting with this guy. [Show tape of the preacher rhyming: “Where the red man / can get ahead man.”]
4. Some people have criticized Bruce Springsteen for releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart, since Wal-Mart has been accused of being bad to its workers. But hey, you know, there’s a reason he’s called “The Boss”.
5. The website Google accidentally told its users on Saturday that every other site on the internet was dangerous. Now, they say that it was an accident, but I think it’s just part of their plan. They don’t want people using any other sites but Google, and this was just a test run.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
1/30
1. They’re starting a new parliament in Somalia. At the last parliament, they were supposed to have just 350 officials, but 1,500 showed up, and it cost $11 million. Sounds like my cousin’s wedding. Somalia is like the movie “Mad Max”, but if the real Mel Gibson were in charge.
2. To save Wall Street, the government wants to create a “bad bank” to buy toxic loans. But why do we need to create a new “bad bank”? Can’t we use one of the many many bad banks we already have?
3. Fox has a show now called “Your Questions, Your Money”. Which sounds like it should be Wall Street CEOs answering questions from taxpayers.
4. Some say that President Obama needs to say more about gay rights. But his support for gay rights is apparent on the White House website - not so much in words, but in color scheme.
5. I think Pope Benedict wants to hold Vatican III. Though if we’re going to make roman numeral comparisons, while Vatican II was like a Super Bowl, Vatican III will be more like a Wrestlemania.
2. To save Wall Street, the government wants to create a “bad bank” to buy toxic loans. But why do we need to create a new “bad bank”? Can’t we use one of the many many bad banks we already have?
3. Fox has a show now called “Your Questions, Your Money”. Which sounds like it should be Wall Street CEOs answering questions from taxpayers.
4. Some say that President Obama needs to say more about gay rights. But his support for gay rights is apparent on the White House website - not so much in words, but in color scheme.
5. I think Pope Benedict wants to hold Vatican III. Though if we’re going to make roman numeral comparisons, while Vatican II was like a Super Bowl, Vatican III will be more like a Wrestlemania.
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