5/31

1. Yesterday, the great speed-eating champions Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut tried to eat the most pizzas in six minutes. The recession is taking a toll on them, though, because their next competition will be over ketchup packets.

2. The last survivor of the Titanic passed away yesterday. We are now preparing for the next major Titanic event in 2093, when the last survivor of the movie “Titanic” is expected to pass away.

3. General Motors will announce its bankruptcy tomorrow. There was a last minute push to allow the carmaker to use some credit cards, but because of the new credit card laws, GM is now too risky.

4. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is visiting the Chinese to reassure them that we are going to control our deficits. How nice to see us go the Chinese like a guy behind in his rent. Hey, we’ll be good, really. Trust us.

5. Scientists have now recreated a musical instrument that was used for nearly two thousand years, then abandoned about three centuries ago. Yeah, I wonder why people stopped playing that? That would be so easy to bring to school.

5/30

1. Two years ago, a man in Britain was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so like most people, he went to a bookie. Every year he survives, he gets a payout. Maybe this is the answer to the health insurance crisis -- let Vegas run it. This reminds me of when I was 18 and bet on whether I would lose my virginity that year. And it’s been paying off ever since! Suckers!

2. Journalist Roxana Saberi has returned to Fargo, North Dakota after being released from prison in Iran. On a sad note, however, she now has to live in North Dakota.

3. The president and first lady were in New York last night, because the president promised he would take her to a Broadway show after the campaign. But isn’t Obama’s whole presidency like a Broadway show so far? I half expect Congress to break out into songs from West Side Story. “When you’re a Dem, you’re a Dem all the way.”

4. A jewel thief in Paris stole $8 million worth of gems. And the most amazing thing is they were all cubic zirconia. He apparently had to steal a dump truck too.

5. Did you hear about these British politicians who got caught taking bribes in an undercover police sting? One politician actually said he knew it was a police sting, so he made bigger and bigger demands to “flush out the truth”. Yeah, like I knew my girlfriend was trying to trick me into having an affair, so I went all the way and had sex with that woman.