12/4

1. November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.

2. The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.

3. The Senate voted yesterday that health insurers had to cover mammograms for middle-aged women. Senators also passed a similar bill requiring the Senate to cover breast exams for hot young women.

4. Two brothers living in a cave in Hungary are going to inherit $6.6 billion. Now that may seem amazing, but remember that Batman lived in a cave too.

5. Google is now offering an online dictionary. That might have helped when they were coming up with their name.

12/3

1. The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, covered in red and yellow lights . Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.

2. The White House held a major job forum today focused on job creation. First up, scheduling more job forums, which will employ thousands.

3. Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.

4. The cable company Comcast, regularly voted as having the nation's worst customer service, is going to buy NBC, which offers the nation's worst selection of shows. I hear next Comcast plans to buy Mountain Dew and the Detroit Lions.

5. Vladimir Putin announced he's considering running for president of Russia in 2012. It was the most surprising news since Donald Trump’s announcement that he’s considering using hair spray tomorrow. Or since woman #47 came forward to say she had a quickie with Tiger Woods under a table at Spago’s.