1. Former French President Jacques Chirac is giving up his dog because it’s become too violent. Chirac’s spokesman said (true) that the dog is now enjoying life on a farm in the French countryside. Yeah, I heard that one when I was a kid too. Next, Chirac is going to tell us the farm is owned by his Canadian girlfriend.
2. David Letterman has become embroiled in a sex scandal, continuing his quest to provide hard dilemmas for aspiring late-night joke writers.
3. Tiger Woods has become the first athlete to earn $1 billion. So now during the PGA’s pro/am tournaments, where pro golfers play a round with wealthy contributors, Woods just plays by himself.
4. The “Wizard of Oz” is being released in a digitally remastered version that was long demanded by LSD users around the world. Actually, it would have come out sooner, but after denying J.K. Rowling the Medal of Freedom, the Bush administration tried to stop the “Wizard of Oz” for also promoting witchcraft.
5. Europe’s Herschel telescope has used two telescopic cameras to take the most detailed photos ever of our galaxy. It’s supposed to have three cameras, but the third one, run by the Dutch (true), is currently down. Because in a country where both pot and hookers are legal, it’s not surprising that people aren’t focusing so much on their telescopes.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
10/1
1. There is growing anger in Egypt about special devices that let women fake virginity on their wedding night. The devices apparently make women appear to be one of the Jonas Brothers. Islamic scholars are mixed about whether continuing to have sex would make the husband gay.
2. Pre-orders of Sarah Palin’s new memoir have been enormous. Publishers are ecstatic, because it could open a whole new market among people who have never bought a book before. Palin’s book is called “Going Rogue”, which caused confusion for some buyers who thought it was the upcoming memoir of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, “Going Brogue”.
3. A new study says that children who eat candy every day are more likely to become violent adults. However, not letting kids have candy is more likely to make them violent right now.
4. Last night, the Empire State Building was lit red and yellow to celebrate the anniversary of communist rule in China. Very surprisingly, this caused some controversy. But critics forgot that the name of the building is the EMPIRE State Building. It’s like you shouldn’t be surprised if North Korea has a party at Central Park’s Stalinist Dictatorship Skating Rink.
5. Yesterday, Madonna said that she would rather get hit by a train than get married again. Well, why can’t you do both?
2. Pre-orders of Sarah Palin’s new memoir have been enormous. Publishers are ecstatic, because it could open a whole new market among people who have never bought a book before. Palin’s book is called “Going Rogue”, which caused confusion for some buyers who thought it was the upcoming memoir of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, “Going Brogue”.
3. A new study says that children who eat candy every day are more likely to become violent adults. However, not letting kids have candy is more likely to make them violent right now.
4. Last night, the Empire State Building was lit red and yellow to celebrate the anniversary of communist rule in China. Very surprisingly, this caused some controversy. But critics forgot that the name of the building is the EMPIRE State Building. It’s like you shouldn’t be surprised if North Korea has a party at Central Park’s Stalinist Dictatorship Skating Rink.
5. Yesterday, Madonna said that she would rather get hit by a train than get married again. Well, why can’t you do both?
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