12/05

1. A man in Malaysia was stabbed to death because he wouldn’t give up the microphone at a karaoke bar. The police ruled it a justifiable homicide. Afterwards, the attacker sang his selection -- “Feelings”.

2. A new study says that men with high intelligence tend to have better sperm, which is good, because they don’t get to use it very often.

3. OJ Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. So now we know the priorities in America. Kill your ex-wife, go free. Try to steal a man’s souvenir football, and you go to prison, buddy! Thank god he didn’t try to take the guy’s PlayStation. He would have gotten life.

4. The new breed of electric cars use batteries made from lithium. That’s because most cars are manic depressive, and without lithium, the cars shift from extremely high speeds to slow plodding motion for no particular reason.

5. Last month, the economy had the biggest rise in job losses for 34 years. Many of the losses were, ironically, for people who write about job losses. So even if hiring goes up again, those people won’t get their jobs back.

12/04

1. In Australia, politicians now have to take alcohol breath tests before voting on laws. This will mean the end of such controversial laws such as G4-7, the “We All Love You Guys Act” or a recent bill approving late-night calls to ex-girlfriends.

2. The Bushes have now purchased a home in a wealthy neighborhood in Dallas. They need to use their money now, because he’s not going to make much from the speech circuit or any memoirs. Maybe a puppet show or finger-painting.

3. Well, we got another reminder that Canada is only 99% democracy yesterday, when the prime minister asked the appointed representative of the Queen of England to shut down Parliament, and the representative agreed. This is the first time this has ever happened in Canada in response to an almost certain vote of no confidence. Wait, isn’t Canada a democracy? This is why I’m not moving there. And we thought the electoral college was screwy. Any time a Canadian gives you flak about the electoral college, here’s your ammo.

4. The price of oil has fallen to its lowest level in four years. Aw, isn’t that too bad. I guess the oil companies will just have to live on all the money they grabbed from us in the summer. If they ask for a bailout, I’m getting my torch and pitchfork. Whew, that was close! We Americans almost had to learn our lesson! Good thing that didn’t last.

5. A congresswoman in Florida hung up on Barack Obama, because she thought it was a prank. A lot of Republicans having been hoping the same thing since the election. “Hey, we got you good, Republicans! Yeah, John McCain is really going to be the president. Ohhh, got you again! The president is really going to be Sarah Palin!”